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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants a divorce and is leaving today

339 replies

GooodMythicalMorning · 12/07/2021 05:30

He came home last night and told me he doesn't want this any more. He's fallen foe someone else though nothings happened apparently as she too is married. We're telling the kids later after work and he's leaving. Im heartbroken. 14 years married, didn't see any problems. Thought it was forever. I don't know what to do/need. My brain has gone into panic mode about kids/dogs/house. Sad

OP posts:
MarianneUnfaithful · 16/07/2021 10:57

Great that you have a job offer. It will make you feel so much more independent and empowered. Well done!

Just check that you wouldn’t be better off on UC, if you would even be eligible.

Get through today as best you can, OP, take the easiest option on all childcare jobs.

staringstepan · 16/07/2021 12:02

Do you rent or co-own the house?

If you own it is there a mortgage?

Can you put his earnings into the CMS calculator to see what you would be entitled to from him?

Toffpops · 16/07/2021 12:51

Def take old job back and agree no need to tell knobhead

ShortBacknSides · 16/07/2021 13:25

@GooodMythicalMorning I hope you gradually find equilibrium.

One thing I'd recommend is that you don't let him revert to "normal" ie seeing the DC in what is now your home. You are now separated - however much that is so so painful for you. He's made a decision to leave the marriage. That means leaving the marital home, and not having anything left from his marriage. If the bed at his DB's is too small, that's his problem. And so on.

Make him realise from the start that these are the consequences of his decision.

My parents had a rocky time when I was about 15; my father had an affair bastard . My mother sent my father off to the OW. Straightaway. Within 2 hours he was back, begging to be allowed back into the family. While that didn't really happen, there was no halfway - he was made very aware of the consequences of his actions.

jenjen517 · 16/07/2021 14:07

I can the pain in my chest just reading this. You're doing so well, OP. They're right, he is not your friend.

You need to seek legal advice as soon as possible.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 16/07/2021 16:34

I will do, soonest I can I will be going to the solicitors

OP posts:
AbsolutelySure · 16/07/2021 16:42

[quote ShortBacknSides]@GooodMythicalMorning I hope you gradually find equilibrium.

One thing I'd recommend is that you don't let him revert to "normal" ie seeing the DC in what is now your home. You are now separated - however much that is so so painful for you. He's made a decision to leave the marriage. That means leaving the marital home, and not having anything left from his marriage. If the bed at his DB's is too small, that's his problem. And so on.

Make him realise from the start that these are the consequences of his decision.

My parents had a rocky time when I was about 15; my father had an affair bastard . My mother sent my father off to the OW. Straightaway. Within 2 hours he was back, begging to be allowed back into the family. While that didn't really happen, there was no halfway - he was made very aware of the consequences of his actions.[/quote]
Make him realise from the start that these are the consequences of his decision.

I totally agree with this.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 16/07/2021 16:43

Yep, Im not doing anything for him now

OP posts:
BlackAlys · 16/07/2021 17:05

I'm sorry OP.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned. Are your finances separate? Make sure he doesn't empty your bank accounts. Check that he hasn't taken any credit cards out in your name.

Eat little and often and keep your fluid intake up. You need your strength. Thanks

lindauk5 · 16/07/2021 22:27

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids. I echo everyone else, please don't trust what he says, you need to focus on your and your children. Make sure to take care of yourself 💖

SunSunSunshine · 17/07/2021 01:00

I really feel for you.
I can only imagine the thoughts going on in your head.
How can someone you love, trusted, had a future with act and betray you like this?
I'm glad you have family around you. Things will get better. This will be the worse part.

Herecomesthesun70 · 17/07/2021 08:53

Hope you're doing Ok
OP.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 17/07/2021 09:15

Im feeling a little better this morning, Im trying to think of the positives today.

OP posts:
blue1000 · 17/07/2021 09:28

You are doing so well. Keep your powder dry and your head held high and you will come out as the winner in all this. Life will be different but you will be stronger. And don't let the knob back into the house ever!

Amdone123 · 17/07/2021 11:16

@GooodMythicalMorning, you are doing really well. That's good, keep focusing on the positives. It will get easier.

WinterSunglasses · 17/07/2021 12:39

He is now officially in a relationship with her

The 'nothing's happened' stance lasted a matter on days, then. Not even a week. Pathetic. Everyone will see this for what it is.

Good that you have the option to take your old job back. You are coping really well. You'll come out of this better. I say this often on threads of this nature but the chump lady website is very good for providing stories of people whose partners behaved like yours but where they are now living a much better life without the loser ex. Give it a try if you want some inspiration for the future.

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 17/07/2021 12:54

Yeah, it didnt even last 4 days, he's coming to see the kids tomorrow so I will make myself absent as I'm feeling a little better I don't want to drag myself down when I'm doing a bit better. The panic is still there but not so overwhelming today.

OP posts:
ShortBacknSides · 17/07/2021 13:58

he's coming to see the kids tomorrow

Eventually - and preferably sooner rather than later - he should not be coming round to your house. It’s not his home any more, and he needs to take responsibility for seeing his children away from YOUR home.

He needs to understand that EVERYTHING to do with your marriage is no longer available. NOTHING.

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 14:01

@ShortBacknSides

he's coming to see the kids tomorrow

Eventually - and preferably sooner rather than later - he should not be coming round to your house. It’s not his home any more, and he needs to take responsibility for seeing his children away from YOUR home.

He needs to understand that EVERYTHING to do with your marriage is no longer available. NOTHING.

yes I agree 100% 🌸

ApolloandDaphne · 17/07/2021 14:07

He needs to make plans to see the children elsewhere. Would MIL allow him to take them there?

yahyahs22 · 17/07/2021 14:22

How are things today OP?

yahyahs22 · 17/07/2021 14:22

Sorry phone glitches and I couldn't see updates!

Redruby2020 · 17/07/2021 15:00

@GooodMythicalMorning

The kids are 11 and 15. Mum is here with me now as I called her as soon as it got to a sensible hour. She's going to stay with me today. mil is coming round in a bit too. She's absolutely gutted.
That's really good that you have a relationship with both, and especially her being his mother, yes I can imagine she would be shocked and gutted!
Newestname001 · 17/07/2021 16:57

@GooodMythicalMorning

Yeah, it didnt even last 4 days, he's coming to see the kids tomorrow so I will make myself absent as I'm feeling a little better I don't want to drag myself down when I'm doing a bit better. The panic is still there but not so overwhelming today.

Just ensure, if not already done, @GooodMythicalMorning, that you already have copies of all his important documents, including financial (eg details of his personal as well as joint bank accounts, Savings, pensions, salary and tax information/tax codes) already safely offsite with someone you trust, or in a digital file to which he has no access. Ensure your own important papers, passport, financials are also safe offsite. As others have said, this man is no longer your friend - he'll show you more clearly soon enough.

Good luck and strength to you, OP. 🌹

Original poster
GooodMythicalMorning · 17/07/2021 18:32

Mums said I can come round and use her copier and Im just going to do everything even if it doesnt seem relevant. Everything in our papers box and download and print the statements.

OP posts: