Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

@MayLeaveADentInYourSofa

I am sure his friends haven't said anything.

However, by wearing a wedding ring on your wedding finger you are giving an impression to people that you're married. I think it would be courteous to consider if your partner is comfortable with that.

Agree with this.

If you are making him feel uncomfortable, think about how this might affect your future.
You have every right to wear what ever you want, but he also has the right to walk away.

I think it would be odd to wear it on your ring finger all the time but if it's only when you're playing the violin it's not a big deal. I can see how it might be awkward for him if people are constantly assuming you're engaged.

I think if it was because the ring started off on that finger, because that's where you wanted to wear it, then it would be a matter of principle to get all arsey about.

But it's not, it starts off on the other finger and you "fiddle" it over. Maybe it's your fiddling that's annoying . Did your wedding ring used to end up on the other hand?

Such a small thing to get into a fight about either way.

I'd probably stick it back on the original finger if it's causing him embarrassment. Obviously if it escalates from there to other things, then this will have been a red flag for control.

Also it doesn't matter if his friends have or haven't said anything. Would you stop doing it if he simply said he was uncomfortable with it, never mind his friends?

It’s it his business.
But in your shoes I’d be trying to wear on my right hand (not because of him though)
Surely once he’s explained to his friends the situation once, that’s the end of the matter?

I really don’t my dh would remotely care what I wore on which finger.

I think it’s very unusual for a woman to wear a ring on her left ring finger (in the absence of lots of other rings) and it NOT be an engagement ring. In fact I can’t think of any times I’ve seen it and I go on the tube a lot.
Whilst I totally see it means nothing to you, I think you are being disingenuous to pretend it isn’t a real symbol that everyone else will take to mean a certain thing. If your gran has left you her wedding ring, presumably you wouldn’t have put it on your ring finger and been surprised when people thought you were married?
He doesn’t sound controlling at all. I think his request is very reasonable.

Technically it’s your ring and you can wear it where you like, but personally I would just wear it on the right hand if this bothers your partner.

Since both of you have no plans to marry, the left ring finger may just stir awkward questions from friends and family that he may have to answer . Of course, you don’t have to explian anything to anyone but the fact that somebody asks this question may be a bit annoying. Why bother ? Just wear this on the right hand if this makes to difference whatsoever for you

you say you are a fiddler and don't want to marry him but its AMAZING how gestures reveal more than words. If its giving your partner a problem and you care about him then why would you not stop doing it....if you don't care enough to stop then why would you stay with him?

Why don’t you get it resized to wear on a different finger ?

Interestingly, I've seen many threads on MN where a poster is annoyed that their DH takes his rings off when he goes out with the lads. And they are often told, "He's being disrespectful and giving the impression he's single. If he doesn't care about your feelings and leaving it on then he's a bastard."

OP's partner has told her that he is uncomfortable her wearing a ring on that hand. Not sure why everyone thinks it's because he's commitment-shy - my first thought was that it's embarrassing as his friends will think OP is still married, or still hung up on her ex.

OP, your bloke has expressed his feelings. You're entitled to ignore his feelings and continue wearing your ring on any finger you choose. He's equally entitled to decide that you don't give a shit about his feelings and walk away.

Who in 2021 even notices stuff like that???!
Loads of people don’t even wear wedding rings! And as other countries have the right ring finger as the one for wedding bands, it’s not a hard and fast rule or anything.

I don't think it shows his reluctance to commit - in fact, the opposite.

I think his friends may make assumptions that you two are engaged, but, after the first double take, they will recognize that the issue of being engaged or not, is not that much on your mind. You fiddle with your rings and that's it - and it isn't significant for you whether it looks like a message to the outside world that you are engaged - it isn't even on your radar. To me, if I were a friend of his, showing a friendly interest, that would look like you don't ever contemplate, with hopes, or the usual mixed feelings, getting married to him. It might be irritating your partner more because he actually has thought about a future with you, and would quite like one which was traditional and formal and involved marriage.

It’s a bit of a shame the vitriol this guy is getting from some posters. Yes OP’s fingers are her own to do what she likes with, but I don’t think he’s trying to claim them! The reality is in most cultures we use jewellery not only to decorate, but also to send signals to other people. It’s definitely widely recognised that wearing a ring on your “ring finger” is a sign of engagement or marriage. It’s like someone wearing a cross on a chain around their neck - I’m allowed to safely assume you’re a Christian, surely? It would be pretty weird for someone to indignantly say “I just like the shape, how dare you suggest otherwise.” If you don’t want to send out the suggestion you’re a Christian, find another shape. If you don’t want to send out the message you’re engaged or married, find another finger! Surely it’s no skin off your nose really?

I don’t see his issue with it as a sign of lack of commitment or trying to control OP - it’s more likely that it looks like she is attempting to say something about their relationship to the world isn’t correct, which he’s entitled to object to because it’s his relationship too. It probably also feels like she is putting pressure on him to propose - the equivalent of getting your DP to stop in front of shop windows to admire the rings with you and then claiming you obvs don’t care about getting engaged. What on earth gave him that impression…

Sorry OP but I’m not sure I buy that it innocently ends up on your left hand when you fiddle - not when it’s so regular that people have noticed and commented and when the association of that finger with engagement is so well known. If it were me, I’d actually be quite embarrassed at the thought that people might think I was desperately trying to send a signal to DP that I wanted to be engaged!

If you genuinely have innocently been doing this and the thought of what you might have been accidentally signalling to other people hadn’t even crossed your point, surely his request is a fair one now that he’s made you aware of the connotations?

OP should absolutely wear her ring on whichever finger she likes.

But there’s absolutely no merit in denying the semiotics in western culture of a precious metal band, set with one or more precious stones, worn on the fourth finger of the left hand.

Both things can be true but it doesn’t help the OP to argue the latter as a reason for the former. But of course this is Mumsnet, where folk will argue that black is white if it suits their purposes.

I can understand fiddling with rings but not to the point of taking them off one finger to put them on another.

I'd just wear it on my right hand (because I wouldn't want it on my wedding finger if I wasn't married/engaged) and stop fiddling with it but that's a bit too straightfoward isn't it?

Also do people look at rings that much-really?

It’s nothing to do with home or his friends. None of my friends would notice or comment about rings, it’s him being at tw@.

Would you be ok if he did the same. Perhaps you ask him not to as people who know you query if you're with a married man or not told them you're getting married, but then why haven't you got one too...
Because wearing a ring on the finger signals you are engaged or married. End of. People do look to see if they are married or not

However, he ignores your request and keeps on doing it anyway because he wants to. His body etc. I'm sure MNs here would be aghast he'd do that to you.

Up to you if you want to respect his request or not. It's your relationship, only you know how it's going and how much give and take you do.

I can’t believe how many people think that none of his mates would notice or care about a ring on that finger. I think plenty of people would notice. I have a friend who is separated and she has bought herself a special ring to wear on her ring finger. It’s so she doesn’t need to deal with people knowing she is separated, so clearly people do notice what is on that finger.

I agree with @Lowkeyloopy

And I think you are showing a lack of respect for his feelings.

You can argue how women can wear a ring on that finger if they choose too, but you can't also dismiss the fact that in our society (not Europe or some other cultures) the 3rd finger left hand has a significance. (There's even a song with those lines in it!)

In your head it might not but it clearly did before as you wore your wedding ring etc on that finger.

And people don't actually 'fiddle' with rings and switch hands. I've never ever come across anyone, ever, who does that. If you are being truthful, then it would be on your right hand one day and your left the next. From what you say, it's always on the left.

Wear your ring on whichever part of YOUR BODY you like.

I would not tolerate this for a second. It does not bode well.

@Radio4ordie

I think it’s very unusual for a woman to wear a ring on her left ring finger (in the absence of lots of other rings) and it NOT be an engagement ring. In fact I can’t think of any times I’ve seen it and I go on the tube a lot. Whilst I totally see it means nothing to you, I think you are being disingenuous to pretend it isn’t a real symbol that everyone else will take to mean a certain thing. If your gran has left you her wedding ring, presumably you wouldn’t have put it on your ring finger and been surprised when people thought you were married? He doesn’t sound controlling at all. I think his request is very reasonable.

This ^

Just get the ring resized and wear it on a different finger.

Personally I think the fact it’s a ring is slightly irrelevant, anyone can wear what they want, but the guy has said “you doing X makes me uncomfortable “, and OP is choosing to ignore that,
If I was the man, I wouldn’t let this particular issue worry me too much, but hopefully it won’t set a pattern in the relationship where the mans feelings are ignored, in that case I would be the one doing the leaving

Not really sure why you couldn’t just put it on your right hand instead, seems a bit weird to keep it on your wedding finger IMO

@Cupoftea53

I can’t believe how many people think that none of his mates would notice or care about a ring on that finger. I think plenty of people would notice. I have a friend who is separated and she has bought herself a special ring to wear on her ring finger. It’s so she doesn’t need to deal with people knowing she is separated, so clearly people do notice what is on that finger.

I can honestly say i could not tell you who wears what rings on what finger and don't actually look for them. I would think lots of people are the same-they don't care. DH chose not to have a wedding ring as he didn't want one. I don't think everyone immediately spots it and thinks he's available.