Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

I wouldn’t be with a man who wasn’t going to wear a wedding ring if he expected me to wear one.

But that’s not what’s happening here. The op is wearing a ring on the traditional engagement ring finger and the ring looks sufficiently engagement like for people to comment.

I would feel awkward in that situation if I was the partner too and eventually say something.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I have some sympathy with his request. Clearly it will also fit on your right hand.

Not all. My right hand is bigger than my left.

My mum still wears a right on her ring finger, even after her and my dad split (in a horrible way) I always think ots a bit strange.

But the op says she moved it from right to left because she fiddles so it clearly fits.

@speakout

some people will judge/make fun of you behind your back by wearing a ring on your finger that is traditionally considered for marriage.

That's so funny. Who are these people? You JustATypo?

@speakout um, maybe quote the right poster next time.

The lefthand ring finger has the same traditional meaning in many societies, not just in the UK. I wore a 50p wedding ring from Woolworths to travel in the Middle East, long before I was married, to ward off unwanted attention. I think it's odd but it's up to you.

It's not up to you to make sure that his friends make the right assumptions about things

If he was asking you to change anything else that you wore because his friends were making assumptions, what would you do? You know, like 'Could you stop wearing short skirts? My friends keep saying you look x y or z'

If it was me, I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Does he not understand the basic concept that everybody gets to wear what they like, and everybody else has to mind their own business?

You could tell him you'll alter your attire for him as long as he does the same for you - and then tell him you want him to wear a flower in his hair...

I can see both sides of this tbh.

In general, your fingers, your choice

However,

There is a woman I know of, whose long-term partner flatly refuses to marry her. She has got around this by recently changing her name by deed poll to be the same as his (and their DC, whom she unwisely gave his surname).

She is also full of the ‘my name, my choice’ defence, but she’s viewed in our circle as being a bit tragic. People say unkind things about it behind her back and I feel a bit sorry for her on many levels.

I expect he, and probably others are doing something similar here OP.

It’s not something I would do, but ultimately it’s your choice.

Wear your ring on whatever finger you like, it's your body. Surely it's no problem for him to just say that is the only finger the ring fits and feels comfortable on.

I am married but I never wear my wedding and engagement rings, I cant remember the last time I did. I really feel uncomfortable wearing any jewellery on my hands and DH understands and is fine with it. A few older relatives have commented to him and me but we just explain. We are no less married just because I don't wear a piece of metal on my hands!

God, that’s really pathetic. Like a teenage boy not wanting to hold hands in case his mates see him.

@LavenderAskew

How odd his friends are checking your fingers.

I find it uncomfortable that so many people see to think women must be policed in so many ways - even in such small ways as wearing a ring.

The OP is "playing a "game" just by wearing jewelery?

She can't wearing a ring on her ring finger her left hand because other cannot ascertain her status in society? What horror would that be!

What is the opinion of men who wear rings? Are they limited and must be controlled in their small choices to please others? What about married men who don't wear a ring on thier "wedding finger", how do we know if they belong to someone!!

Exactly. I’m not responsible for other people’s assumptions about my jewellery choices indicating my marital status. I’m married, but have never worn a wedding or engagement ring— I wear on the traditional ring fingers of each hands a heavy silver ring which long predates my marriage. DH wears no rings. If someone thought either of us were ‘misleading’ other people, I would laugh.

OP, I’d be deeply annoyed that someone who purported to care about me was actually policing my jewellery because of Dave and Nigel doing ‘ball and chain’ hilarious ‘banter’. He should grow up. I think I’d be considering whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him.

I think it's strange that men would notice and comment on this. But I've been married for nearly 20 years and I've never worn any rings so it's not something I would notice either. If I ever wanted to wear a ring I would wear it wherever I chose. I think it's bizzare in this day and age that woman wears an engagement ring as a sign but no man does!

It does give of mixed signals

@Howcanthisbe123

It does give of mixed signals

But not to any of OP's friends. Or if it does, she deals with that. She's not supposed to have to deal with issues from her partner's friends too; that's his responsibility. Especially since it's something they've never done in her presence.

So many people worried about a finger being left for visual display of ownership

And yet MN still has threads about engagement rings - too small, too flashy, too cheap, can I change it, do I have to give it back- so there are women around for whom it does matter.

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

Do you suspect that his friends have actually never mentioned it, and he has some other reason for wanting you to remove the ring?

Whilst he shouldn't dictate what finger you wear your ring on I can see his point. I've been with DP for 25+ years, with 2 DS in late teens, we don't intend to get married. I once did the same as you and fiddled with a ring and put it on my left hand, 3rd finger, my MIL saw it. OMG! the questions, the drama - I must want to get married but DP (her son) won't, why not, what's wrong, when will the wedding be. Actually I've never worn a ring in front of them again on any finger!

This would be a massive turn off for me. I know you don't want to get married again but the fear he is showing at the mere thought of people thinking he's engaged to you is not very flattering

I can see both sides of this.

In a long term relationship like yours, wearing a ring on that finger might make it look like an engagement ring.

I can understand people making comments BUT nowadays women do tend to wear rings on the 'ring finger' for all kinds of reasons not to do with a commitment to someone.

On the other hand, I don't quite understand your idea of 'fiddling' with a ring. You choose which hand to wear it on, it doesn't jump from one hand to the other.

If there is a reason not to wear it on your right hand, fair enough (like the fit.)

But if it makes no difference to you either way, I'd be mindful that it may send out signals to anyone, not just your boyfriend's friends.

I'd be interested in how old you both are because as you both have kids etc I'm assuming you must be late 30s or 40s and this seems quite odd behaviour from blokes (his friends) to be eyeing your hands and asking questions. Most blokes don't notice anything like that so maybe it's HIM who is upset (and he is making it up about his friends.)

tell him to tell his friends you are a ring fiddler

Blimey, they’ll all want to marry you, OP

@HappyMeal654

Genuine question, did your engagement and wedding rings sometimes end up on your right hand because you fiddled with them?

Very good question.

Why is he so bothered? Seems like an overreaction. I'd continue to wear the ring on whichever finger is most comfortable.

I had no idea people paid attention or noticed what finger anyone has a ring on.

I assume the ring in question is not a typical engagement rock?

Frankly if he has do little backbone to be able to simply say to his mates that it’s just the finger that fits the ring you like, he is a pathetic sap.

I mean really, what a fuss.

Ugh I hate all this labelling and signifying that you are married or not by attaching a ring or keeping a finger free.

It is no one else’s business.

And yet MN still has threads about engagement rings - too small, too flashy, too cheap, can I change it, do I have to give it back- so there are women around for whom it does matter

That’s fine for them.

It doesn’t mean the rest of us have to adjust our own jewellery wearing choices.

I can't be arsed to read all the stupid childish responses you're getting.

If your partner has asked you not to do something that makes him uncomfortable and you continue to do it then you're massively unreasonable. It's such a small adjustment for you to stop putting a ring on that finger but you continue because fuck him it's my finger and I'll do what I like.

I'm engaged but have been wearing a plain ring on my left hand with my engagement ring so it might look like a wedding ring. I'm only wearing it because I like wearing it and it fits. If my fiance said he was getting awkward questions and asked me to stop I would take it off - but then I love and respect him