Wearing ring on ring finger - dp asked me not to

[DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange]

Would this bother you/ would you find it a bit odd?

I’ve been with DP for about a year. I think it’s pretty serious - we’ve both met each other’s kids and friends. We’re making plans to do holidays etc. soonish so we both think we have a future although we wouldn’t be able to move in together for a few years due to DC’s and jobs. I’ve also made it clear that I would rather set myself on fire than get married again.

Anyway, I don’t really wear jewellery much. I used to wear my wedding and engagement ring when I was married but don’t anymore obviously. Recently a relative died and one of the things she left me was a ring that I’d coveted for years. This ring is only big enough to fit on my ring finger. I normally wear it on my right hand but I’m a fiddler and quite often end up with it on my left hand.

DP has asked me to please not wear the ring on my left hand as some of his friends have made assumptions (although they’ve never mentioned it when I’ve been there) and he thinks it’s awkward having to explain that I just like wearing a ring on that finger.

It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t want to marry him, pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to marry me. I don’t understand why he can’t just tell anyone that questions it that it’s not an engagement ring, it doesn’t look anything like a traditional one anyway. Would this annoy you?

It's incredible how indoctrinated that finger on your left hand is ... 🤣

@AddsVsGeorgs

Red flag

give us strength 🤣

why does he feel uncomfortable to have his friends think the relationship is going places?

This ^

Wear the ring wherever you like. It's your ring. If he feels uncomfortable that is his problem. How old is he? Sounds like such an immature thing to say.

Who are these men who even notice what jewellery their mates girlfriends are wearing ? I’ve never met any man, single or married, straight or gay, who would even notice let alone comment .

I guess it is the usual first spot to check if someone is “taken”.

They may have been asking and joking about that with him, which may be very irritating if you don’t see the relationship as a serious one.

@GrandmasCat

I guess it is the usual first spot to check if someone is “taken”.

They may have been asking and joking about that with him, which may be very irritating if you don’t see the relationship as a serious one.

But assuming these people are the OP's boyfriend's friends, she's 'taken', anyway, so it's not as if the presence or absence of a ring on her finger is posing a massive source of confusion?

I do agree, @C0RINNA -- I don't know anyone of any sex or sexual orientation who automatically checks other people for a wedding ring. I've worn the same ring on my ring finger for decades myself, regardless of whether I've been single, cohabiting or married. I've never worn an engagement or wedding ring or anything that looks like either, and I don't think anyone has ever queried that.

@Coffeepot72

why does he feel uncomfortable to have his friends think the relationship is going places?

This ^

@Coffeepot72 because it isn't. OP doesn't want to get married.

Assuming this is not the latest in a pattern of controlling behaviour, in the OP's position I would be willing to stop wearing the ring on my left ring finger. In any situation where one half of a couple asks the other half if they could stop doing something because it makes them uncomfortable, my assessment of whether the question is unreasonable is "what adverse impact on Person B's life would occur from acquiescing to Person A's request?" So if the OP's DP were asking her to stop seeing her friend Wilma because DP doesn't like Wilma: unreasonable, as it cuts OP off from a friend she likes spending time with.

Here though, there is no adverse impact. OP has another finger the ring fits. She's not being asked to stop wearing the ring at all. She can wear it on her right hand and still get pleasure from the way it looks. So there is nothing fundamentally unreasonable about the DP's request, so no reason not to make this tiny adjustment to avoid making someone OP presumably cares about uncomfortable.

BODILY AUTONOMY FOR ALL-Unless-you're wearing -a-ring-with-a-semi-precious-gemstone-on-the-third-finger-of-your-left-hand-when-you're-not-engaged-Because-society-might-make-a-false-assumption-about-you

Yay! BODILY AUTONOMY FOR ALL!!!

@CandyLeBonBon

BODILY AUTONOMY FOR ALL-Unless-you're wearing -a-ring-with-a-semi-precious-gemstone-on-the-third-finger-of-your-left-hand-when-you're-not-engaged-Because-society-might-make-a-false-assumption-about-you

Yay! BODILY AUTONOMY FOR ALL!!!

Well, it's really Dave and Robbie down the pub sniggering that the OP's boyfriend is apparently unable to deal with, isn't it? God help us all.

I always heard that pinkie rings= a man is gay fun.lovetoknow.com/trends-pop-culture/what-exactly-does-pinky-ring-symbolize#:~:text=Being%20Gay%20Is%20A-Okay

Thought I'd stumbled onto AIBU for a minute there.

This thread is bonkers.

@Wrotten

Thought I'd stumbled onto AIBU for a minute there.

This thread is bonkers.

it is right 🤣😂

Wearing a ring on the left ring finger is normally
For a promise, engagement or wedding ring. I think his reaction has told you everything you
Need to know. He’s embarrassed that his family might think you’re engaged and i would
Think he doesn’t see your relationship as serious for the future.

@CharlotteRose90

Wearing a ring on the left ring finger is normally For a promise, engagement or wedding ring. I think his reaction has told you everything you Need to know. He’s embarrassed that his family might think you’re engaged and i would Think he doesn’t see your relationship as serious for the future.

thankfully OP never wants to marry again either.. so bonus all round.. 🎉

@CharlotteRose90

Wearing a ring on the left ring finger is normally For a promise, engagement or wedding ring. I think his reaction has told you everything you Need to know. He’s embarrassed that his family might think you’re engaged and i would Think he doesn’t see your relationship as serious for the future.

For the love of God, READ the OP's posts! it's her that doesn't want to marry! The number of people who post things like this is astounding... god save me

@CastawayQueen I clearly did read the original post thanks. My point was that he’s making it obvious that he doesn’t want to marry her even if she did want to marry again. He doesn’t see it as a serious relationship

For the love of God, READ the OP's posts! it's her that doesn't want to marry!
The number of people who post things like this is astounding... god save me

Agreed 🤣

I clearly did read the original post thanks. My point was that he’s making it obvious that he doesn’t want to marry her even if she did want to marry again. He doesn’t see it as a serious relationship What bollocks.

If anything, it could create the impression that the OP is happy to be engaged but never wants to marry. Plenty of posts on here from posters whose partners talk the talk about engagement but don’t actually go through with it. Yet the OP is symbolically showing that she is engaged (even though she’s not) and the man then has to tell his friends that she doesn’t want to get married?

If anything people could make the assumption of the OP that she’s wearing the ring on her engagement finger to put out a clear message that this relationship isn’t a serious one because there will be no place for an engagement/wedding ring on that finger.

charlotterose90 you clearly haven’t read any of my posts other than my OP. My dp said that he’d like us to be married before we moved in together and I told h I’m that was some I’d never consider. As I’ve said on about 50% of all my posts in response to people who have only read the OP!

@DefinitelyNotAHastyNameChange

castawayqueen I think he might be bit sensitive about my bluntness about not wanting to ever get married again. I know he wanted it to happen before we ever move in together (which won’t be for 3 years anyway). I’m financially in a much better place than he is, although he’s not in debt or anything, and I said I would never risk my finances again no matter how much I loved someone. And I do love him very much. I know that my honesty about it knocked him slightly but I’d much rather that than go through the hell I did for 3 years of my life where I very nearly lost everything that I’d worked so hard for.

Sorry OP for not responding - this for lost in the flurry of messages 😂 also I think I’ve caught up with most posts so sorry if I’ve missed any.

IMO this is why he’s so against it. Of course there’s nothing wrong with your wish to not marry (in fact if both parties have assets and no children it’s probably better not to). However there’s also nothing wrong with him attaching more significance to tradition than you as well. It may be fine for him to put up with not being married etc but seeing a reminder might be annoying.

You seem like a mature, capable woman and know him best. If he’s generally ok I’d cut him a bit of slack and not wear the ring on the left finger.

This is one of the things that’s very hard to comment on as an outsider. A controller will manifest in other ways so a single request in isolation can’t automatically be deemed controlling.

I usually wear two very important rings on my ring finger. It is not about a status it is because they are important. I will never marry. My bf has never mentioned them.

It is so old fashioned to fuss over this. I wouldn't be happy being told I could not.

@user1471538283

I usually wear two very important rings on my ring finger. It is not about a status it is because they are important. I will never marry. My bf has never mentioned them.

It is so old fashioned to fuss over this. I wouldn't be happy being told I could not.

good on you ... its about You.. nobody else 🌸

OP, I wanted to pick up on your previous post in answer to (I think?) mine where you and other posters seem to have taken a bit of offence to being termed 'single'.

I wanted to clarify that it's a legal definition only; you are single until you marry. It's not a value judgement or any kind of determination of your relationship's worth, it's merely a fact.

I don't think marriage is good for women. I think it would be far better for women to have their own houses, cars and careers, building up their pensions steadily, just as men do. Getting married because you have children becomes moot if as a woman you can make your own wealth. Having a marriage certificate doesn't prevent a man from become a pointless, feckless father who won't pay for his children either.

I think you're doing it perfectly. I adore my husband but wouldn't have married at all if I had my time again. Best wishes to you.