What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

[AllBarSome]

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

Age doesn't matter once you're a grown adult. My mum is 12 years older than my dad and they've been married more than 40 years. If you love each other then that's enough.

I think once your a fully mature adult then age is irrelevant. My husband is 8 years older then me but I have a wide range of friends from 20 years older to 10 years younger. It’s their personality I’m friends with not their age.

You are 2 consenting adults !
Have fun , get to know each other a bit more
Don't sweat the small stuff
There aren't too many great men around .. I'd be holding onto this one I think

Throw out the list... No good will come of it!

He’s 43, not 73. As a fully grown adult age ain’t nothing but a number.

Lol at that list.

Send him my way!

Real love is about connection and trust rather than a checklist of requirements. Only you can say if this a dealbreaker for you. But if you don’t want him I know about a zillion attractive single women in their 30s who would snap him up.

I think I’d he ticks the other, more important boxes, his age shouldn’t matter.

Forget 10 years, the golden rule is half your age plus 7.

So, for a 43 year old, 28 and is fine! Just.

10 years is usually my limit as I feel anything after that you are in different phases in your life BUT this guy sounds lovely and I would make an exception

I wouldn’t have gone out with someone 15 years older at 28- men get old v quickly once they hit 50. I personally think it is too great a gap and you are at totally different stages in life.

Mmm. There's always going to be some compromises. But I wouldn't say "age doesn't matter": it can. I am in my early 60s and am just starting to slow down, but still have a busy rewarding career. If dh was in his late 70s he might have very different needs from me.

Not remotely saying it wouldn't work, but it would be a material factor in your lives and your relationship.

If this is to work you both have to go into it open-eyed and both committed to making compromises and communicating honestly about this issue - mog pretending it "doesn't matter". Sometimes it will, and you need to be able to face those moments honestly .

As it turned out for me, my younger dh was severely ill in his 40s, and has been mildly disabled ever since. So just apparently being matched in age is no guarantee of an easy ride - something to bear in mind in 40 years' time if one of you is frustrated with the other!

If you don't want him there will be plenty that do

But you'd be mad to pass by the sounds of it

My husband is 15 years older. I couldn’t love him more.

Well you can either try this one out or wait around for someone perfect to arrive.

I've been waiting for Mr. Perfect for most of my adult life, I've got one foot in the grave now and he still hasn't turned up.

Honestly I know I sound gushy but he is just so lovely! It all feels so authentic like we can just totally be ourselves and we have this great chemistry.

I had my own preconceptions about age gaps, but we don't feel like an age gap relationship, there's no sleaziness, no power imbalance and I understand the point about different life stages but we don't seem to be in ones that are that different, I would happily have kids by the time I'm 30 and he wants kids if it happens before he gets too old, but has said past 50 he wouldn't consider it. We both want marriage. We both earn a decent amount. The only thing we really vary in is I rent and he owns his home.

Not that all age gap relationships are sleazy and have power imbalances. Just that there is that stereotype in some cases which made me feel like I'd never of considered one.

There are 15 years between my bestie and her Stbx.
She thought they were happy and the age gap didn’t bother her until he turned 60 and started to wind down for retirement. He didn’t want to go anywhere that didn’t involve their caravan and a fun night out was a pint in their local pub.
I’m not saying it’s like that in all cases but some men can get old quickly once they hit 60 or so - I’m not saying don’t have some fun and see where it goes but bear in mind there is almost a generation gap there

You are mad!

You might as well have 'must have a green front door' as a rule!

I don't actually a list of rules, I was just listing things he does that I really rate in a man and my one concern

@AllBarSome .. just go and enjoy it .. has he got an older brother ? 🤣

60 seems to be the age that everyone freaks out at.

My DH is 62, runs 7k three times a week, is always up for a night out, knows more about popular culture than me, plays guitar in a band and is extremely hot.

Just go for it, OP.

Gosh I thought you were going to say he was bad in bed!

I think it's fine but obviously I can see why you might be concerned. It's a bigger deal as you get older as you may end up being his carer in old age but that's if you both get to old age! There's no guarantees in life.

I’m a similar age to you and in all honest no, I don’t think I’d consider something with someone that much older.

He’d be 50 when you’re 35 - I’d still be classing myself as young at 35 and wouldn’t want to be married to a 50 year old. Equally he’ll be 80 when you’re 65 and more likely to be needing a higher level of care, whilst you’re likely to be wanting to start enjoying retirement.

FWIW I think your list is very normal by the way! I can’t think why anyone wouldn’t want a partner with those qualities?!

OMG! Lock it down! You would be crazy to let him go. He sounds like a keeper!