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Original poster

What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

167 replies

AllBarSome · 09/07/2021 19:33

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

OP posts:
Sosoflo · 10/07/2021 08:50

My ExH was 10 years older than me and started becoming a bit of an old man in his outlook as he got into his late 40s, and over time it wore me down (he became quite grumpy, tight with money, and never wanted to do ANYTHING!) It became quite exhausting to live with. When I first met him in my 20s I think I was quite impressed by his perceived sophistication and maturity, but as I got my life together myself the differences between us just became more apparent. However, my DH now is 15 years older than me and we're much better matched, age is definitely a state of mind. Do you want the same things? Have you got the same values? Does he make you laugh? And more practically does he look after himself? I find the difference quite stark once men start getting into the late 40s/early 50s between the ones that eat well, don't smoke, etc, etc. It might sound shallow, but if you don't want to end up as a carer you might want to think about these things.

I wouldn't have thought I'd have ended up in a relationship a man quite so much older than me either, but he makes he happy every day. I genuinely never think about the age gap... it only comes up when we realise how different our tastes in music are! It sounds like your relationship is lovely and there's no power imbalances, and you've sensibly thought these things through... so just enjoy it, he sounds lovely Grin

Northernparent68 · 10/07/2021 09:00

@Iknowtheanswer

Forget 10 years, the golden rule is half your age plus 7.

So, for a 43 year old, 28 and is fine! Just.

I agree the age between the op and her boyfriend is nothing, but why does everyone keep quoting this half your age and 7 ?

Who says is this a rule ? What’s it based on

chemicalworld · 10/07/2021 09:01

my partner is 17 years older than me. I used to have a list, and wouldn't have considered him at all but after dating a bucket load of idiots and psychos I decided to ignore my head and go with my heart. I do worry about the future but I am the happiest I've ever been with someone and I've just turned 40. Go with it, life is precious and so is happiness!

Original poster
AllBarSome · 10/07/2021 09:04

To be fair I didn't know his age the first few times we hung out, I assumed 30s. I only thought to ask for the first time over dinner and couldn't believe it! It was only casual so it didn't change anything, but I didn't realise what a catch he is and we got on so well we just haven't stopped hanging out and it's definitely progressing and I realised if I'm not all in now is the time to acknowledge that. It's like my head is saying this could make life difficult down the line but my heart is just saying enjoy the ride. I have close friends who are late thirties, my siblings span from 6 years younger than him to 2 years older than him, our parents are very similar ages, I have such varied ages in my life anyway it just doesn't seem that clear cut to me?

I have friends in their late twenties, early 30s.. two single mums who's same age partners were twats, one couple with a 5 year gap who do nothing but bicker, one dear friend just getting back together for the sixth time to a same age partner who leaves her every time she mentions marriage or kids.. there is just no guarantee

OP posts:
Nutellacoconut · 10/07/2021 09:37

If you feel embarrased when you're with your friends/peers your own age, then you know you have a problem with the age gap.

If he is the type of forty-something to only date girls in their twenties then what happens when you're older, does he still go for the women in their twenties? Hopefully not! Don't waste your late twenties on someone who doesn't tick all the boxes. The romantics will say ignore your head, but those folks usually site those things their head thought of as the red flags they should have listened to when the relationship later suffers. You're so right to have a good think about it and perhaps it'll affirm he's perfect for you; if he isn't quite right (doesn't have to be a Bad Guy for it not to feel right), that's okay too.

Original poster
AllBarSome · 10/07/2021 09:39

@Nutellacoconut

If you feel embarrased when you're with your friends/peers your own age, then you know you have a problem with the age gap.

If he is the type of forty-something to only date girls in their twenties then what happens when you're older, does he still go for the women in their twenties? Hopefully not! Don't waste your late twenties on someone who doesn't tick all the boxes. The romantics will say ignore your head, but those folks usually site those things their head thought of as the red flags they should have listened to when the relationship later suffers. You're so right to have a good think about it and perhaps it'll affirm he's perfect for you; if he isn't quite right (doesn't have to be a Bad Guy for it not to feel right), that's okay too.

His long term partner was a year older than him and they were split for two years before we got involved, as said I assumed he was 30s, and all my close friends from our work are mid to late thirties so we ran in similar circles and neither knew the others exact age. I really can't find anything creepy about it like that. We just get on Smile
OP posts:
Nutellacoconut · 10/07/2021 09:43

@AllBarSome That's another reassuring point in his favour! 👌😊

Bambam72 · 10/07/2021 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

waltzingparrot · 10/07/2021 09:58

Impossible to know how it's going to pan out due to age. Maybe he'll be forever young but.......a friend of mine met her 17yr age gap in her mid 20s. By her late 30s she was still up for her festival going, world wide travel sociable life but he'd really slowed down and was happier with nights in with a good box set. They split at that point.

She's now mid 50s and is slowing down herself now, but had they stayed together, she'd be his part time carer as his health has really declined.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2021 10:09

@me4real

I'm in my 60s and my DH nearly 80

@Nanny0gg Wow, it sounds stark when you put it like that. How're you doing in yourself/how are things?

I ask because I know a little of what it's like, thouugh I can only imagine.

It's OK. He was always thought younger than his years but I do think (on the whole) that old age hits around 75.

So the gap has widened.

We are lucky though, that health is generally good.

Original poster
AllBarSome · 10/07/2021 10:16

@Nanny0gg Would you change anything, if you could now? Or is it worth it all, even if it is getting harder because it's still him? Genuinely curious!

OP posts:
LostThings · 10/07/2021 10:23

Honestly I would just take happiness where you can OP. If he's as wonderful as you say, just go for it. It's all very well people saying, 'but what about when he's 70?' etc but you might be run over by a bus tomorrow, or struck down by a horrible illness in 5 years time yourself (God forbid). You can't predict these things. Just be happy and enjoy your relationship.

ittakes2 · 10/07/2021 10:31

Honestly I thought your big red flag was going to be something hideous! I think in general if an older person marries a younger person they make an effort to keep up so keep themselves younger.
People are quite right in that there is a big difference between a 35 year old and a 50 year old...but it also works the other way and I can see 35 year olds who look and act older than 50 year olds I know.
I actually don't think you do want out of this relationship - I think you want us all to tell you its OK and to go for it. And I hope you do - men in their 40s know themselves and what they want much more than men in their 20s and 30s.

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 10:35

I passed up an early-40s wonderful man when I was 30 and have always deeply regretted it. He wanted to be married. I was worried about what my family and others would think as well as the practicality of the age gap.

He's nearly 70 now; I still get glimpses on former workmates' social media. He's tan, fit (more so than me!), wealthy, retired in Florida and married to a lovely woman about my age.

If you like him, live for the present, not the future. I wish I had.

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 10:36

@LunaNorth

60 seems to be the age that everyone freaks out at.

My DH is 62, runs 7k three times a week, is always up for a night out, knows more about popular culture than me, plays guitar in a band and is extremely hot.

Just go for it, OP.

Sounds great!

60 is not old at all.

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 10:39

@LostThings

Honestly I would just take happiness where you can OP. If he's as wonderful as you say, just go for it. It's all very well people saying, 'but what about when he's 70?' etc but you might be run over by a bus tomorrow, or struck down by a horrible illness in 5 years time yourself (God forbid). You can't predict these things. Just be happy and enjoy your relationship.
This x100.
66babe · 10/07/2021 10:39

@PerveenMistry

If you like him, live for the present, not the future. I wish I had.

That's probably the most sensible thing I've read here

RosesAndHellebores · 10/07/2021 10:41

If you love him enough nothing will stop you. If you are questioning it, is it true love?

PurBal · 10/07/2021 10:46

I don’t consider this a “big” one to be honest. I’ve always had age gap relationships though, biggest was 17 years. Seriously relationship before DH was 12 and DH is the youngest I’ve seriously dated at a mere 7.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2021 10:49

[quote AllBarSome]@Nanny0gg Would you change anything, if you could now? Or is it worth it all, even if it is getting harder because it's still him? Genuinely curious![/quote]
Possibly.

He's been a great husband and father (far more hands on than most) but I wish we were of the same generation now, and he really is 'older' than me

Original poster
AllBarSome · 10/07/2021 10:57

@Nanny0gg If he's been a great husband and hands on father you've been luckier than most, including lots of same age couples. I'm not doubting it's hard but surely it's about counting your blessings?

OP posts:
Tedsy2 · 10/07/2021 10:58

He ticks every other box which is SO rare - plus he looks & acts younger so if I were you I would go for it :)

AlwaysLatte · 10/07/2021 11:00

It doesn't matter! My husband is 20 years older and we've been very happily married 16 years this year, two children together :-)

colouringindoors · 10/07/2021 11:00

OP he sounds lovely and if you're both genuinely at the settling down stage then go for it. Yeah the age gap is not ideal but no-one knows what the future holds. I married the same age sensible nice boy and 20 years on am separated with ptsd as a result of his horrific bipolar which he's had for the last 10....

Be happy.

AlwaysLatte · 10/07/2021 11:05

Anyway, it's like buying houses. No matter your budget, there's ALWAYS a compromise to be made somewhere.