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Original poster

What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

167 replies

AllBarSome · 09/07/2021 19:33

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

OP posts:
coronaway · 09/07/2021 22:41

Stop worrying about the future OP and go for it. You could be dead in 20 years and he could be globe trotting. No-one knows what the future holds.

Original poster
AllBarSome · 09/07/2021 22:43

I can't see what will magically change when he's 50. My dads 72 and still doesn't seem old! I feel like no matter who I marry and what age they are, if it ever got to a point we were incompatible or unhappy I'd leave, so it doesn't have to be a death sentence. We could have 20 happy years and then it changes and we move on. I could marry someone my own age and go off them a lot quicker (speaking from experience!) but I am not a romantic and not necessarily always of the thought that we should spend our entire lives with one person, especially when it is no longer working. Do we ever regret something we enjoyed at the time?

OP posts:
TreeSmuggler · 09/07/2021 22:46

Sure OP, I am just saying my own experience. I have a 12 year age gap which seemed like nothing at 40, by 45 I regret it daily. We are at different life stages and he has changed seemingly overnight. But obviously for some it has worked out great.

ZenNudist · 09/07/2021 22:47

I know where you're coming from. I'm 42 and there's no way I'd date a 28 year old. From your perspective if has the potential to be really limiting. Particularly once you get to retirement age where you want to enjoy life and you have an elderly husband possibly additional health issues.

How energetic will he be at raising children? I have so much less energy and am knackered now in my 40s compared to my 30s.30s is so young.

O don't think you really get know someone we'll for the first few years. People change a lot overtime. The age factor does come into it.

Original poster
AllBarSome · 09/07/2021 22:49

@TreeSmuggler

Sure OP, I am just saying my own experience. I have a 12 year age gap which seemed like nothing at 40, by 45 I regret it daily. We are at different life stages and he has changed seemingly overnight. But obviously for some it has worked out great.
I appreciate that! I just feel like it can go wrong at any age, and you can leave. It doesn't need to be a death sentence, if you aren't happy anymore that's ok, you don't have to be stuck with anyone who doesn't make you happy. I hope you do what's best for you.
OP posts:
TreeSmuggler · 09/07/2021 22:53

Yes I could leave, you are right. We have toddler dc so it's not that easy, but of course, yes it's possible. I wish I'd tried to have my family with a person the same age.

I am not saying it's a horrible idea or anything but I'm just saying, I've found the issues are real. Of course every relationship has issues though.

MolG5276bvfg · 09/07/2021 22:54

17 years between me and my husband. I must admit when I met him he looked a good ten years younger so it was a bit of a surprise. I was mid thirties and he early fifties. He ticked all the boxes too and I never once thought twice about the age difference. My bestie did, and she told me, she’s no longer my bestie. My mum was hell bent on breaking us up but she gave up when she realised I wasn’t giving him up.
You’d be mad to give up on a fabulous man (having spent ten years meeting crap men, I tell everyone I had to do that to meet my Mr Right as he wasn’t available at that point).
We went on holiday last month. My 70 year old husband was climbing down a cliff to a cove he wanted to visit from his childhood whilst I dithered at the top!

If he’s that lovely then hang on to him! Good luck.

LunaNorth · 09/07/2021 22:57

@TreeSmuggler

Sure OP, I am just saying my own experience. I have a 12 year age gap which seemed like nothing at 40, by 45 I regret it daily. We are at different life stages and he has changed seemingly overnight. But obviously for some it has worked out great.
Are you sure you’re not putting your problems down to age when in fact it might be something else entirely?

My first husband was three years older than me, and that went tits up for a variety of reasons, none of which were anything to do with his birth certificate.

TreeSmuggler · 09/07/2021 23:01

If age is nothing mol, would your hubby be happy to have an 87 year old wife right now? I'm guessing he wouldn't even consider that as very very few men do. And would he be out climbing cliffs if he did?

And OP is your guy also looking at 58 year old women? Has he dated one recently? I mean age is nothing right? What's 15 years?

I mean this as nicely as possible. Just something to think about.

goldpendant · 09/07/2021 23:02

Ah this was me and now DH, except I don't question it! He's now 51 to my 36.

10 years on, still bliss!

TreeSmuggler · 09/07/2021 23:04

Are you sure you’re not putting your problems down to age when in fact it might be something else entirely?

Fair call, I said above no relationship is perfect. But I do think people of similar ages often have things in common and life stages are a thing. That's why our friends are commonly around the same age. And the issues mentioned by pps are exactly the issues that have arisen for me. I presume that's why OP has this thought in the first place and was wondering. And why, like I said above, men certainly don't think "age is nothing", it's very very very very important to them.

PuffinDodger · 09/07/2021 23:08

I married a man born the same year as me and he died in his 40s, so I say don't overthink age gaps. You never know what'll happen in future.

Cowbells · 09/07/2021 23:10

I've never understood the idea that a big age gap is sleazy once you are well into adulthood. An 18 year old with a 35 year old would concern me, because of the power issues, but a 28 year old with a 45 year old wouldn't although it's the same age difference. Once you are fully mature you are as likely to be compatible with someone from another generation as your own generation. If you like him as much as you say, then go for it!

RubyFowler · 09/07/2021 23:14

I think you'll regret it if you pass this one up OP. Any relationship will have its challenges, I think you have the important stuff sorted.

Nannyamc · 09/07/2021 23:16

Maturity is a great asset
Comfortable financially is fantastic. If you truly love each other there are no barriers. If the pandemic had taught us anything it is to just go for it. Best of luck to you both.

16purplecolour16 · 09/07/2021 23:17

If the box was xxxxoholic.

Suzi888 · 09/07/2021 23:19

Have you only just found this info out? Confused

SummerSazz · 09/07/2021 23:23

I married someone 13yo than me, 20 years ago. I'm now 48 and he's 61. The 'life stages' thing has sadly come to us and we are now separated. I was 28 and him 41 when we met- we've had some fabulous times and 2 DC so do I regret it, no. If my daughter asked my advice I'd probably tell her not to do it....

bert3400 · 09/07/2021 23:24

Well my DH is 11 years younger than me. He is my one and only life long love . 23 amazing years together
You would be a fool if you let him get away. Age is only relevant if you are at different stages of your life, which you aren't. If he'd already had kids I would say ...don't go there but you want the same things. A great relationship doesn't come along that often, grab it, enjoy the journey and have a brilliant time Smile

Raaaaaaarr · 09/07/2021 23:29

You'd be crazy to walk away for that reason.

Mauhhq · 09/07/2021 23:29

My dad divorced my mum and married someone 30 years younger than him, he is 65 and she is 35, however he said he wouldn’t want me, his daughter to marry a guy with an age gap of more than 10 years, as then it wouldn’t be a good deal lol, men definitely prefer younger women

DivorcedAndDelighted · 09/07/2021 23:31

Bloody hell woman, what do you want, the moon on a stick?! You get on well and the chemistry is good. If you end it because of his age, you'll probably always wonder if you made the right call. Give the relationship a go and find out. You're human, not a robot.

MitzyMooo · 09/07/2021 23:33

He is 43 not a OAP lol

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/07/2021 23:35

I thought you were going to say that the one big problem was that he had a small cock!🤣 Go for it, he sounds great 👍

me4real · 09/07/2021 23:39

I married a man 10 years older than me. Initially I never noticed the age gap, until he approached his 50s. And honestly, he's changed enormously. He's got multiple health problems (all age related)

@spinningspaniels Would you mind sharing any changes in the sex? As from my experience it is part of why I would never advise someone to be in a long term relationship with an older guy.

Also @AllBarSome He will lose his looks, you will watch him grow old while you won'tt much for a fair while.

@LunaNorth Of course these are generalizations and averages, but is anything anyone has said inaccurate? (And these things are also subjective of course.) People are speaking based on their own lived experience.

I just feel like it can go wrong at any age, and you can leave

@AllBarSome It's not as easy to just leave if your partner becomes ill, as we almost all do with age.

Yes, decades seem like ages when you're in your twenties, but blink and you miss it really.

I'm 44 and I really wouldn't be comfortable seriously dating a 29 year old. I shagged a 24-year--old a couple of times a few years ago, but I was in a hypomanic episode at the time and he wasn't like other boys and girls.

I would feel like a pervert and it'd not be fair on the younger person when they could be enjoying someone their own age. And usually they'd end up dumping the older person, lets face it.