What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

[AllBarSome]

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

I also thought you were going to say bad in bed or micropenis...
Its not that big an age gap, and he sounds perfect.

I’m always surprised when people say ‘you’ll end up his carer.’

Isn’t that marriage? Someone usually ends up failing first. And I’d rather do it when I’m relatively fit and well than struggle along like my poor parents did, both frail in different ways and trying to help each other. It was awful.

I think what's important isn't necessarily age but being at the same stage in life.....he isn't married, he doesn't have kids, he wants to settle down with a life partner......sounds like you are both at a similar stage.

As for those saying he'll be 50 when you are 35 - so what - if (and obviously it is if) you have kids then they become a big focus in life and your life will revolve around them!! My best friends husband had his youngest at 44....I don't think of him as being a particularly old dad....I don't think I'm an old parent either....till I meet mums on the school playground that are young enough to be my daughters!! Lol.

I hope you are very happy together.

@Iknowtheanswer

Forget 10 years, the golden rule is half your age plus 7.

So, for a 43 year old, 28 and is fine! Just.

Gee. Can't wait 'til I am 90 and date a 52 year old.

The no marriage or kids thing could be purely circumstantial without it being a red flag. Or it could be. You'll only know that for yourself and judging what he's like with you. The age thing isn't a problem. You're almost 30, he's early 40s. I don't think it's much of a gap at those ages, unless you're very young at heart and he's old beyond his years. If you're well matched, it's obviously not a problem.

I was with a guy with a similar age gap, but he had disabilities etc from the start, which made it seem worse once the 'glow' had worn off.

I would still try and avoid it as they're likely to get ill, and die, more quickly.

If they get any illnesses then it adds to the higher risk of impotence; the impotence really put me off in the end.

You're likely to miss out on years of decent sex.

I’m closer to his age than you, so I will DM you my number and if you don’t want him would you mind passing it on?

I think it all depends on his attitude. My first husband was 9 years older than me and God did it feel it eventually. He lived in the past.

Second husband is 7 years younger and I never notice it, he is interested in the future.

Common values count for a lot in a long term relationship.

12 years between me and DH, but I’ve always fancied older men 🤷🏻‍♀️ We’re still together and happy after 15 or so years...

20 years between my Auntie and Uncle, after previous failed relationships by both. Honestly never seen a happier couple!

If you’re both at the same life stages kids/marriage etc wise then go for it!

I thought you were going to say he had a micro-penis. Marry him and have some babies.

He sounds great! I think at your respective ages a gap of 15 years is not a problem unless you are footloose and wanting to travel the world and party.

In my experience most 28 year old women are ready to marry and start a family, whereas 28 year old men want to do all that in 5 years, or better still 10 years... Hopefully he has got that out of his system.

Mind you I'm a couple of years older than him so to me he's a man in his prime. I would have blinked at his age too when I was 28.

Oh don’t be ridiculous

If age is a deal breaker why even go on that first date with him

I wouldn't. As pp have said it's fine now but give it 20 years and might not be as fine.

Also I'd be concerned about the wanting kids thing. You only have his side of the story re why he broke up with previous LTR. She most likely has a different story. At 43 there is simply no way that his friends have all recently had kids..

Keep him - you sound like a great match!

I can understand your concerns but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, especially not if he's as compatible with you in the other ways you've mentioned.

Check out his family. If they're all active and living their best life at 85 you're good. If his parents have become one with the couch at 70 then think more carefully...unless he strongly favours sprightly Uncle Matthew who is still doing triathlons at 78.

The only thing I'd be mindful of at 43 is his timeline - would you want marriage and kids as quickly as he might. Beyond that, enjoy.

I think you should take note of your check list, that is head talking not heart. The age difference is nothing now, 28 and 42, it’s fine, but fast forward ten years, then twenty, not so much.

When I was 28, I was with someone 14 years older than me and I didn’t think it was an issue. Well now I am 51 and I cannot imagine myself with someone of pension age, it is different life stages.

I also thought you were going to say he was a crap shag

Don't let this one out of your clutches. Seriously.

You are being so, so silly. Start having babies asap, that's my advice. He sounds absolutely amazing - just like my husband! 😄

I think at your ages the ten year difference might not look huge, my ex was 12 year older and when it hits us was around the time he started thinking of retirement.

He wanted to travel, spend half of the year abroad (had a very nice house already in Greece), he wanted skying, exotic holidays and romance.

Fine… but I was not going to retire for another 20 years and my kid was still in school so there was no way to spend so much time abroad unless my kid went to a boarding school, and it was at that point that I realised that although he really wanted to make the best of his retirement, mine wo didn’t look as bright: I would come out straight into retirement to take care of an 80 year old man who would be too tired to do with me all those thing he wanted to do with me when I was busy raising a child 🤷🏻‍♀️

But then, in these days when relationships are often short lived and finding a person you get along with so well is extremely difficult, I would say… enjoy the ride, if he can give you 3, 5 or ten years of happiness, that is more than good enough 🙂

43 is an excellent age. I should marry him asap if I were you.

An extra 5 years? Who cares, it’s irrelevant in the scheme of things. Was expecting a real dealbreaker here - lucky you, there’s no dilemma at all.

My dad was 19 years older than my mum, and my ex was 14 years older than me. It didn't matter to either of us

@MerryDecembermas

If age is a deal breaker why even go on that first date with him

I wouldn't. As pp have said it's fine now but give it 20 years and might not be as fine.

Also I'd be concerned about the wanting kids thing. You only have his side of the story re why he broke up with previous LTR. She most likely has a different story. At 43 there is simply no way that his friends have all recently had kids..

My partner is 43 and three couples he’s long term friends with have all just had babies. One it’s their second child, the other two it’s their first.