What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

[AllBarSome]

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

Whoever said I want to be told to go for it is exactly right I am trying to be sensible but the responses being this split make me think it's just luck of the draw. Some people are happy and some aren't, whether their partners are young, old, same age. I'm 28, I don't want to pass him up and regret it, my lovely sister is 36 and would love kids and it just hasn't happened for her, she's still single and hoping to find the one, and no, I'm not giving him to her

@AlwaysLatte

Anyway, it's like buying houses. No matter your budget, there's ALWAYS a compromise to be made somewhere.

Yep. And if there is no compromise to be made, it is too good to be true and probably doomed for some unknown factor.

You love who you love.

@AlwaysLatte

It doesn't matter! My husband is 20 years older and we've been very happily married 16 years this year, two children together :-)

I wish you many more happy years together. I'm wondering how you're planning for his retirement when you'll still have another 20 years to work? I mean, if you married when you were 24 and he was 44, he'll be heading for retirement in the next few years but you'll have to keep going if you want your state pension. My SIL married a man 22 years older than her and the last 20 years have been quite tricky. He wanted to spend his 60s and 70s going on holiday, hitting the road in a camper van etc, with her. But she was only in her 40s and not in a position to give up work to join him. And now she's retired, he's in his mid-80s and has a problem walking far. He's also getting increasingly deaf and has heart problems, so travelling or doing much at all is difficult. It's not the retirement my SIL would have desired and much as she loves him, I can see how difficult she's finding it.

At 28 I really fancied a 42 year old. I'm in my 50s now and have no symptoms of ageing yet but he looks like an old man. We are at completely different life stages. I don't believe in going more than 5 years either way or it will impact your life. I didn't think so when I was 28.

Really all depends on whether you love him or not. Otherwise it sounds like a list of requirements. As for him being 80 when you are 65 well I wouldn’t even think about it. It doesn’t follow that at 80 he will need care. Life is odd and unfair some awful things can happen health wise and they are not always associated with old age. Whereas someone else escapes into real old age.love is the deciding factor.

I think you might have made your mind up already.

It's not unreasonable to question an age gap like that. Do you want to be with a 75 year old when you're 60? It's good that he looks so young now at his age because I think it's quite likely he'll continue to be that way when he's older too. However, you still need to think about the age gap as it could mean you will also be aged before your time by being with someone who might have significant health problems by that age, problems that might curtail his movements and activities.

It's all very well now to say 'Oh I'll leave anyway if I'm not happy'.....but that what you're really going to do if the going gets tough because of your age gap??? Just discard him??

Sorry to throw some cold water over your excitement, but just prepare yourself for the fact that there might be more to his relationship break-up than his partner not wanting kids. That could very well be true, but there could also be many things you don't know about. Saying 'We split up because we wanted different things in life' is a very clean way to break up for all involved, and due to him working at the same workplace as you, he is unlikely to have divulged anything extra that would put off someone he already had his eye on - you.

Also, sometimes age gaps are purely circumstantial......but isn't it funny how it's so often the man who's much older? No one wants to think of a prospective partner in this way, but please be aware of the fact that some men are constantly looking for a younger woman. First they get 15 years....and then when she's too 'old' and mature and has seen through his charms (when she gets to around 40 years old).....he dumps her for someone 25 years younger. Those type of men are opportunistic and ambitious, always looking for younger and younger. Just be careful you don't end up being discarded too.

Again, I'm hoping that none of this will be relevant to you, and I wish you the best of luck OP.

I think the age difference is fine. He sounds great. Good luck.

@doesparentingsuck

Hmmm I'm not so sure OP, when you're 45 in your prime he would be 60 almost pension age.

It's not a dealbreaker but can see why you're cautious.

Even 35 and 50. I'm 35 and wouldn't like to be with a 50 year old.

God no. @doesparentingsuck Even though it's the same age gap, when people mention 35 & 50, and 65 & 80 , you really do see what a massive difference it could make to the younger person.

What a bunch of Misery Mabels on here.

No guarantees anyone makes it to 65 let alone 80. I'd seize happiness in the present instead of throwing it away based on what might happen 35 years from now.

I have a very positive life example in this @AllBarSome. My parents had a larger age gap than you and my mum didn't spend any time looking after / caring for / worrying about my dad. He was extremely fit and kept himself in very good mental and physical health. He was also an older father than most, but amazing - I feel really lucky to have had him as my dad. My friends all loved him too.

It's all a choice (and partly luck) how it works out. You could be the same ages and one of you gets ill unexpectedly. This sounds really positive, go for it.

My friend (52) lives with her amazing partner (35) and they really could not be happier ... the 17 year age gap is irrelevant if you care for someone and it works in other ways.

To those who say the age gap becomes more meaningful in later life .... well, I am 67, my DH is 74 - which would fall within your "age gap" limit OP, but I am fit and actively enjoying the retired life, whilst he is in poor physical shape due to a combination of illness and laziness (a whole other thread!!), and is pretty much house bound as a result. So, by my experience, your self imposed limit is pretty much meaningless.

This man sounds like a great partner. Go for it ....

Forget the age gap I don't think it matters! He sounds wonderful

i think he must be very happy he got a young girl like you.

The age difference would be too much for me but if he makes you happy then go for it x

The age difference is fine.. now. My parents have an 18 year age gap, which was fine, until one is an "old" and quite frail 75 year old who has falls and whatnot, and one is effectively a full time carer at 57. I'm not sure if the decision would have been the same if they knew what they know now back then.

the only issue with age gap relationships is power balance. So long as he's not the kind to treat you like a child, you'll be ok.

My ex was a fair bit older than me and i met him when i was young.. he turned out to be a controlling shithead who couldn't deal with me in my 30s not being the juvenile/child i was in my early 20s, and there being a lot of power struggles when i finally started making decisions for myself.

IF you are sure that kind of shit isn't going to happen, go for it.

You could be describing my soon to be DH who is 17 years older than me.

I had the same predicament as you but after a few weeks of being together it didn't feel important anymore. Relationships like these are hard to find. Go for it!