What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

[AllBarSome]

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

I'd make sure it was her who didn't want kids. He's 43, you're a lot younger, he may be playing for time.

Something about this:

He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person

...isn't overly enthusiastic and is uncommittal in a way which sounds like quite a few of the timewaster men who run women's clocks down before leaving for someone younger.

He ticks all your boxes other than the fact he is older than you would like.

Frankly if you throw him over for this you are being far, far too fussy!

I don't recall having a list to tick off but that's just me I guess.

I married a man 10 years older than me. Initially I never noticed the age gap, until he approached his 50s. And honestly, he's changed enormously. He's got multiple health problems (all age related), and though people will tell you how energetic their older OH is, reality is that most are like my DH (according to friends and colleagues).

15 years is a big age gap. I think your gut is trying to tell you something.

I think age does matter. My DSIL married her boss, a man 22 years older than her. She was 32, he was a sporty, sophisticated, much-travelled 54-year-old. She's now an active, fit 63-year-old recent retiree ready to go travelling and have a fine old time and he's 85, deaf and has a heart condition and a gammy leg that severely impairs his mobility.

I could have written this myself 6 or 7 years ago. We are married now with a toddler and things are pretty wonderful. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

I'd make sure it was her who didn't want kids. He's 43, you're a lot younger, he may be playing for time.

How would the op achieve this, exactly?

I'm 23, my husband is 39. Our age gap has never bothered us, we love it. If it's a big deal to you now it will always be. There will be someone else who ticks every box.

@workshy44

I wouldn’t have gone out with someone 15 years older at 28- men get old v quickly once they hit 50. I personally think it is too great a gap and you are at totally different stages in life.

Agree. Don't go ahead until you imagine how things could be like in 10, 20, 30 years time. If you're happy to be his likely carer while still in your prime and will be understanding when he slows down considerably earlier than you, then great, go ahead and marry him.

They'd be no way I would be physically attracted to a guy his age who's old enough to be my dad, when I was aged just 28...plus most men start getting leathery and old looking from late 30s/early 40s and I wouldnt be attracted to a 53 yo when I was just 38 but obviously people are different so if that works for you, it works.

@Hoppinggreen

There are 15 years between my bestie and her Stbx. She thought they were happy and the age gap didn’t bother her until he turned 60 and started to wind down for retirement. He didn’t want to go anywhere that didn’t involve their caravan and a fun night out was a pint in their local pub. I’m not saying it’s like that in all cases but some men can get old quickly once they hit 60 or so - I’m not saying don’t have some fun and see where it goes but bear in mind there is almost a generation gap there

My grandad is 77 and still cycling across multiple continents so age isn't necessarily a slower downer

I used to think like you OP. Then met DH who is 14 years older than me and I got over it.

Is throwing away all that good stuff for the sake of a meaningless number going to be a positive in your life? Will you be glad you kept to your guns and your checklist?

Mixed bag, thanks!

I get both sides. Good men can be hard to find, especially someone you connect so well with so quickly. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce anyway I do sort of agree with grab happiness where you can, deal with 20 years time in 20 years time. It seems crazy to call things off with someone I'm really into now, because of fears about what could happen in 20/30 years? Am I being deluded?

I dont understand the logic of the posters basically saying 'don't take happiness now because you might not be happy in 20 years'. I mean yeah maybe not but you might not be happy with someone your own age in 20 years. If you've found someone you can be happy with just... be happy while you can surely.

It doesn't matter now.

It my when he's 70 and you're 55

@LunaNorth

I’m always surprised when people say ‘you’ll end up his carer.’

Isn’t that marriage? Someone usually ends up failing first. And I’d rather do it when I’m relatively fit and well than struggle along like my poor parents did, both frail in different ways and trying to help each other. It was awful.

It absolutely is what marriage is about but the problem is many of these younger women are quite naive and shortsighted in these sorts of relationships; they just think of the passion of the current moment and when the time comes down the line, start feeling resentful of being an early carer or decades later want divorce because "they want different things out of life" from their husband when he wants an understandably diffrrent lifestyle as he approaches older age...when essentially they signed up for all this by choosing a man old enough to be their dads.

If OP is ready to fully embrace this possibility and the likely sacrifices/compromises she'll need to make later in life, no reason why it can't work out.

I really don't think of him as old enough to be my dad! It's a 15 year age gap not a 20+ year gap, and I would say teen parents aren't exactly the norm. My parents are actually older than his parents! My parents are in their 70s and his are in their mid sixties. Is that what people would think if they knew the gap, that he's old enough to be my dad?

@AllBarSome in 20 years you'll be 48 and he'll be 63. As others have said, now you may not feel the difference but as the older partner gets older, the wider the gap becomes.

At 48 your libido will be going into overdrive -- his, statistically and hormonally will be in the gutter. I'm not saying don't do it, I would say, think long and hard without rose-tinted glasses before you leap. I know numerous large age gap couples: the challenges are not fun for either partner.

I see both sides, as you say, good men are hard to find.

My DH is 12 years older and tbh I do regret the age gap now. When we meet he was 40, the gap seemed like nothing. From 45 he seemed to age overnight. He is now 47 and he looks and acts like an old man. We are at different life stages.

As to this point - I had my own preconceptions about age gaps, but we don't feel like an age gap relationship, there's no sleaziness, no power imbalance. That's what I used to think, however it occurred to me, would my DH be with a women 12 years older? No, he wouldn't, if she was the last women on earth. Same with your guy I imagine, do you think he'd be open to dating a 58 yo women? No, so it is a typical age gap relationship. A man wanting a younger women for her youth.

It's tough though. I see my friends now with same age 35 year old husbands and I wish that was me, where as I am hanging around with a nearly 50 yo. It makes me feel like I'm 50. However I don't have a crystal ball, maybe I would have dumped him and never met anyone else and maybe I'd be very unhappy, who knows?

It could be that the reason he has the qualities you want is precisely because he is older and more mature. Men can take a long time to really grow up and develop fully. Go for it. A reliable man is a good bet at any time. Stops worrying about how you will feel in the distant future. From the look of it your love will grow deeper just because you share things including family.

He's kind, he cooks, he clean, you have fantastic chemistry. Something always have to give in a relationship. There will always be something, from all the pro's you have listed he sounds like a keeper. You'll get use to the age difference in no time, eventually you won't even give it a thought! I'd go with it and see how you feel in a few more months.

[quote PixelatedLunchbox]@AllBarSome in 20 years you'll be 48 and he'll be 63. As others have said, now you may not feel the difference but as the older partner gets older, the wider the gap becomes.

At 48 your libido will be going into overdrive -- his, statistically and hormonally will be in the gutter. I'm not saying don't do it, I would say, think long and hard without rose-tinted glasses before you leap. I know numerous large age gap couples: the challenges are not fun for either partner. [/quote]
I wouldn’t be too sure of that

@groundhoglet

I dont understand the logic of the posters basically saying 'don't take happiness now because you might not be happy in 20 years'. I mean yeah maybe not but you might not be happy with someone your own age in 20 years. If you've found someone you can be happy with just... be happy while you can surely.

Me too! Not getting the whole analysis of it. I have a 10 yr age gap, I never once thought when I'm 60 he'll be 70!! So what?

There’s some horrible ageism on this thread. I don’t know why I bothered to open it; they always go this way.

OP, he sounds lovely. Just enjoy the now - don’t worry about the future. If the last 18 months have taught us anything, it’s that we really don’t know what’s around the corner.

[quote PixelatedLunchbox]@AllBarSome in 20 years you'll be 48 and he'll be 63. As others have said, now you may not feel the difference but as the older partner gets older, the wider the gap becomes.

At 48 your libido will be going into overdrive -- his, statistically and hormonally will be in the gutter. I'm not saying don't do it, I would say, think long and hard without rose-tinted glasses before you leap. I know numerous large age gap couples: the challenges are not fun for either partner. [/quote]
I'm 48 and my libido is well and truly in the gutter!!

Stop worrying about how you will feel in the distant future.

Only thing is, it's not the distant future. No I wouldn't worry about in 30 years time either, who knows what will happening then. But in just five years he'll be approaching 50 and you'll be mid 30s. Five years isn't the distant future, you'd probably be just married or maybe have a 1 year old.