What to do when a man ticks every box, except one rather big one?

[AllBarSome]

What do you do?

We'd worked together for years for same company but different teams and I always thought he was attractive but he had a long term partner. They split up because she didn't want kids, and he'd realised he wasn't ok with writing that off completely according to the office gossip. A good while later we ended up getting on really well at a staff do, and we started hanging out and casually dating and it's turning, well, not so casual.

He is so handsome.
He is kind.
He works hard.
He takes care of himself.
He has shit together, owns his own home, good with money.
He cooks.
He cleans.
He's caring.
He's spontaneous and fun.
He makes me laugh.
We have the same taste in movies.
Great in the sack.
He's open to marriage, kids etc with the right person
He even has a great family who I get on well with (my ex had the in laws from hell)

Every box I could think of he ticks. Except one that definitely would of featured on my check list if I'm honest and that is 'up to 10 years older than me"

I don't know why, that's always been the rule in my head, no more than 10 years older. He is 15 years older. I'm 28 and he's 43 (though he looks early 30s! I was shell shocked at his age!)

I thought potentially a red flag that he wants marriage and kids but hasn't done that at 43, but his ex never wanted marriage or kids and he thought he could be ok with it, but he said when he turned late 30s and his friends all started having kids he realised how bad he wanted it.

So what do I do? I can see myself really, really falling. Will the extra 5 years on my comfortable age range make a huge difference? Why do I feel nervous about it?

I clicked into this thread thinking he was tight with money or something, that age gap is perfectly fine.

Enjoy your good catch

Stop sabotaging yourself for a spurious reason that has no real foundation. If you like him, enjoy it. It’s incredibly hard to find someone you really like that much

two V close friends are married to men 15yrs and 20yrs older than them, they were early thirties when they married, same time as I married my exH (same age as me). They are both still happily married, 30 +yrs later, while my exH left me for a younger woman 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Yes, their dhs are both slowing down, but one couple, pre-covid, just did a round the world trip, and the other couple are both still politically active in their area, canvassing in local elections etc.

him being older really doesn't tell you how he will be in 20, 30yrs time - but then you wouldn't know that if he was the same age as you.

You could be with someone your age but not have the same chemistry. Would that make everything ok?

My parents had a ten year age gap and it did show in later years. My mother was hugely vibrant and had the most amazing energy. By god I was so proud of everything she did as she really was so energetic and a huge part of her local community.

But here’s the rub. She died of cancer before my father. He holidayed without her, he formed friendships, he learnt to be on his own. Yes he needed help, but who can say. They enjoyed a very happy 52 year marriage.

@LunaNorth

There’s some horrible ageism on this thread. I don’t know why I bothered to open it; they always go this way.

OP, he sounds lovely. Just enjoy the now - don’t worry about the future. If the last 18 months have taught us anything, it’s that we really don’t know what’s around the corner.

Not really.

I'm in my 60s and my DH nearly 80

So I know what I'm talking about

I'm in my 60s and my DH nearly 80

@Nanny0gg Wow, it sounds stark when you put it like that. How're you doing in yourself/how are things?

I ask because I know a little of what it's like, thouugh I can only imagine.

At 28 I wouldn't have considered it, no. I wouldn't even have gone on a date with a man of that age. At 28 I had just met my DH who was also 28. It wasn't the only thing I liked about him, of course, but it felt like a connection at the time and we shared many similar life experiences. In fact I never dated anyone more than 3 years older, whereas quite a few of my friends married men around 5 years older. Personally I'd have been more likely to pick someone younger than me.

I don't think other people's experiences tell you anything to be honest, however. One of my friends married someone 11 years her senior. He retired early and was a SAHD while she went back to work. Now both retired they travel the world (or did, pre covid). In our 20s he seemed old and boring to me (he found us boring too), now the age gap isn't noticeable. Another friend married a man only a few years older and he has had health issues since his early 30s - unable to work and too tired to travel.

Listen to your gut, that's my advice. You do have qualms as you wouldn't have posted at all, although you have justified yourself in subsequent posts. You can never know the future, and as I said, other people's experiences only suggest what could happen- there's a good balance of 'fors' and 'againsts' anyway. But most couples do not have such large age gaps and at 28 you will have plenty of opportunities to meet men closer in age to you. Don't ignore your doubts, because if you later have cause to regret marrying him, they'll come back to haunt you.

You have a good one OP. Keep him and enjoy a stress free loving relationship. I realise on MN people sometimes don't have good intentions and are quick to tell people to leave happy relationships just so they can be as miserable as them. You know your man better than the Internet people, he would tick all the boxes for me so I would say embrace that happiness. Close your eyes and imagine him doing what you do together with someone else.

I agree with Nanny0gg.

He sounds like a keeper but go into this with your eyes open. My MIL (early 60s, full of energy) has been my FIL's carer for the last 3 years. She hardly leaves the house. But she had the life she wanted and a great family, so it is what couples do.

I think you will have 20 good years, then your paths will start to diverge.

To put it bluntly, he is getting a better deal than you, even now. You will start to get a raw deal in 20 years. He will gain youth from you but he will probably age you before your time.

It is just a factor to bear in mind. Life has no certainties. If he is so right for you and there no other viable options, it will be very difficult to let this one go because then you will end up with the 'what ifs'.

My ex-husband looked pretty good at 43. By 49, he looks dreadful and I can see his family genes taking over (they have poor health and weight issues). I would look at his family to see what you are in for - a lot changes between 40 and 50 and some people age better than others.

You will also end up hanging around with his older friends and their wives - when you should be enjoying your 20's, not living like a 40 something. Don't do it.

You will also end up hanging around with his older friends and their wives - when you should be enjoying your 20's, not living like a 40 something. Don't do it.

That’s a good point, in both directions.

I was 28 and DP was 48. We’re still very happy 8 years later. I wouldn’t worry about it - no one knows what the future holds.

It's tricky, you could be blissfully happy until one of you dies (not necessarily him! Although I grant the odds are higher) or he could become one of the legion of grumpy old men in the next 5-10 years.
My own experience is as follows, 15 ish year age gap. Been together 17 years. He got to about 45-47 years old and a health condition changed him from man in his prime to grumpy old man seemingly overnight.
I'm 37 now and had I married someone my own age I do think my lifestyle would be a lot 'different '. Alternatively I could be going through a divorce so who knows.
Just make sure you go into it with your eyes open.

Oh, and just my opinion of course but I wouldn't be listening to advice from anyone who hasn't been with their partner for less than 10 years....from my experience and a few other people I know it was after the 10 year mark that the older partner started to slow down....purely anecdotal of course!

*more than ten years!

OP you do you!

Many things can happen to a couple even if they’re the same age. Illness, change of priorities, mental health issues, ‘slowing down’ list goes on. The important thing is whether they can weather the storms together and that depends on the individual circumstances, and dynamics. Not all younger people want to party, not all older people want to ‘slow down’!

When you put up a post like this you’ll get everyone’s individual experiences which is interesting but not a blueprint for your particular relationship.

Personally I’d go for it. It sounds to me like you’re both exactly on the same page atm re settling down and children. Enjoy your lovely relationship and the healthy way it’s developing!

@workshy44

I wouldn’t have gone out with someone 15 years older at 28- men get old v quickly once they hit 50. I personally think it is too great a gap and you are at totally different stages in life.

Men get v old quickly once they hit 50 Just kill me know then.😧

Really What a load of crap..

Hmmm I'm not so sure OP, when you're 45 in your prime he would be 60 almost pension age.

It's not a dealbreaker but can see why you're cautious.

Even 35 and 50. I'm 35 and wouldn't like to be with a 50 year old.

@workshy44

I wouldn’t have gone out with someone 15 years older at 28- men get old v quickly once they hit 50. I personally think it is too great a gap and you are at totally different stages in life.

Exactly this.

I think your heart has already decided.

Just go for it. There are no guarantees in life. The main thing to be clear about is that you want the same things and that you’re both ready for them. Really spell it out in detail with each other: how many children, exactly when, etc.

And don’t fall into the trap of waiting for perfection: you might suddenly wake up and find you’re 43 yourself and that things are much more limited for you.

And I say this from experience.

I think it’s fine, especially as you say he’s young for his age.

In your late 20’s you have still got loads of men who are fighting being adults and have problems with commitment etc. You’ve found a man who knows exactly what he wants. The question is: do you want the same and do you want it right now?

He will be wanting to get on with children and marriage as you need energy for it! So do you though and you could wait around for the right guy and find yourself if your mid 30’s with fertility problems.

I think you should crack on!

(PS I also thought you were going to say micropenis 😂)

I think the kids dictate what life stage you're at to quite a large degree

There was a 14 year age gap between me and my ex and it wouldn't have mattered but for the fact I had a young child and his was grown up. So while he was looking to retire, travel, downsize house etc. I was still very much at home prioritising her.

As your kids would be together I don't think the age difference will matter.

I would plan for retiring together though, or as close as you can, if at all possible

I personally think that men who want to be with women who are so much younger than them are creepy and have red flag written all over them. Sorry

With so many marriages ending in divorce I really wouldn't worry about what may be in 20+ years time. Anything could happen between now and then, and the age gap isn't that bad anyway.