Please help me get over him, I am broken

[Summerdaysx]

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

You're not broken you're bruised. Horrible feeling but it will improve if you don't try to drag him back and in a year's time you'll be posting on MN saying its the best thing that ever happened to you. 8 years of gaslighting and betrayals. Look at what he's done to you. His leaving is a good thing. Focus on what you'll do without him.

@WhiskeyGalore212 I don't know where I would be without you're comments, seriously, you don't know how much you are helping me through this with all you're messages the last few days.

I am a size 16 just now, I am uncomfortable with my weight but I am quite tall so don't look really bad, just he is young and skinny and I know what he likes and unfortunately it's not a size 16. But I do want to lose the weight and I will do it.

Yes I know he wasn't faithful during the relationship, just hurts so much when I keep picturing him with someone else etc. I mean kick me when I'm down why don't u (him I mean, not you).

@longwayoff thank you, yes definetley a horrible feeling. I am in no way trying to drag him back now. I have not asked for him to come back since a few days ago (maybe even a week ago).

There are loads of decent videos on YouTube if you want to get exercise at home BTW, "fitness blender" is one I used to use but there are loads. They'll have a warm.up vid, a cool down abd you can choose whatever other bids you feel.like in between.

But honestly I think getting outside and even just walking or cycling would be helpful for your mental health.
Even just the vitamin d and serotonin.

OP, he's left his own flesh and blood because he wants to go out getting shit faced and keep all his money to himself.
Now I've just seen too further down that he wasn't loyal either!!?

In the kindest way possible if you're desperate for this piece of shit to come back you are not ready for any relationship not just this one.

Start getting up early and start working out before dd gets up, it will give your mind some focus and take it off the ruminating you're doing at the moment. You're self esteem will also improve as you get more toned. There are millions of videos on YouTube if you don't have the fitness kit.

After you've put dd to bed in the evenings spend some time on self care, even if it's just a bath, face mask, painting your nails etc.

I know these all sound like little things but dedicating some time to your own self care will improve your self esteem and general confidence.

You must respect yourself enough to walk away before getting into any relationship or you place yourself in an extremely vunerable position from the outset.

Let this fucking waste crack on, invest in yourself and someone worthy will find you!

*Walk away from toxicity

@WhiskeyGalore212 thank you I will have a look on YouTube tomorrow. I will start getting out more with the dog and dd as I know how good walking is for mental health. Thank you again . I will keep posting on the thread as it honestly helps me get through the days.

@Closetbeanmuncher yes he left me and his dd for a night out and to have all money to himself. I did initially tell him to leave because his priorities were all wrong regarding the money etc, I had to put my foot down or we wouldn't have had food etc for the rest of the month. I don't want another relationship, not now, not ever. I really do need to focus on myself for a while. Dd is always my priority, then it was ex, then myself. I just can't get over him treating me so badly, it's horrible, I would never treat someone this way.

It's an obviously shit possibility, that she was the reason for his insistence on going out that night.

Most adult women would be wary of "I left my Mrs and kid a week ago fancy a shag?" So he isn't out saying that to randoms, he will have lied somewhere along the way either to you or about you to her.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the not quite as bad the worst. It's going to hurt because he seems to get off on upsetting you, you need to get your game face ready for action.

I'm really rooting for you I know exactly how painful it is, you can barely breathe at times. It will pass

he seems to get off on upsetting you, you need to get your game face ready for action.
thats what i thought, too, from your posts.

let him go, do whatever he wants to do.

the thing you cant accept i think is 'how can a person can be so cruel?'. well as you see they can be. but its not because of / or about you. their character is like that.
so dont lose your self esteem because of him.

keep going, you will get there.

Game face is in action tonight.

Dd woke up feeling unwell again tonight, I messaged him to let him know it has been past few nights and I will either be arranging a covid test or a gp appointment. Dd was screaming upset for her df. I messaged asking if he was in house could he give her a quick phoned if not it's no probs. Read the messages and hasn't replied!!

About his own daughter!!!!!!

This is 100% not a trap or anything, if he phoned I would have held the phone for dd and I wouldn't have uttered a word to him. But yet again the selfish prick only thinks of himself and his night out!

Absolutley pathetic little boy

I've been through a similar experience to the one you're describing, it must have been nearly ten years ago and it was debilitating. I'd like to think I'm an old hand at break-ups, but this one hit me like nothing else. During some significant psychological help I learned about trauma bonding which was established because of the very on-off nature of the relationship.

If you really want to contact him, run through the potential responses from him first. He will either ignore (painful), be hostile (painful) or want to reconcile (dangerous). There are no good outcomes because all will end in pain, as you've already experienced. Save yourself that pain; at least that's something you can do.

I've found 'The Power of Now' a lifesaver for break ups and bereavements. Maybe it'll help you get through?

I messaged asking if he was in house could he give her a quick phoned if not it's no probs so if it's a 'no probs' situation why get stressed about him doing this? Read the messages and hasn't replied!!

You told him he didn't have to reply and he doesn't give a shit about DD being ill because you're dealing with it.

You are very likely exhausted but expecting anything from him is wrong right now. Avoid giving him the chance to hurt/ignore you by not asking for anything. You're a single mum now.

STOP REACHING OUT

@Summerdaysx

Game face is in action tonight.

Dd woke up feeling unwell again tonight, I messaged him to let him know it has been past few nights and I will either be arranging a covid test or a gp appointment. Dd was screaming upset for her df. I messaged asking if he was in house could he give her a quick phoned if not it's no probs. Read the messages and hasn't replied!!

About his own daughter!!!!!!

This is 100% not a trap or anything, if he phoned I would have held the phone for dd and I wouldn't have uttered a word to him. But yet again the selfish prick only thinks of himself and his night out!

Absolutley pathetic little boy

Having followed your other thread and this one, I am so happy to see this post from you. I see real anger in this post, and that is what you need. You need to see him for what he really is, and it's starting to happen, finally. Keep this fire. Be disgusted with this assholes disregard for you and for his own child. You may have loved the person you thought he was for the last 8 years but he is showing you his real colours now and I think anyone would struggle to love someone like that.

And by the way, a dad who loves his child would call him/her when they're sick and need him. There are no excuses for it. It doesn't matter if the mum is taking care of the child.

Stand tall , feet apart , shoulders back. Breathe deep and get in touch with your inner anger. You are worth so much more than his treatment of you. Know you are getting stronger and processing your emotions whilst he is just running away from everything he has lost for himself and hiding from his emotions behind a tinder fuck.
This is your chance to discover your best self. Keep hold of how you are worth so much more than his treatment of you, because when it dawns on him what he's thrown away and he comes sniveling back, full of regrets you are going to have the strength to say no to him.

OP, Philippa Perry has written a fairly comprehensive reply to a question, from someone feeling similarly to the way you feel, in today's Observer/Guardian. I think her reply to him may help you forward in understanding your own feelings. It's free, Google it. Good luck.

I had to put my foot down or we wouldn't have had food etc for the rest of the month

He's a fucking liability and an absolute waste of oxygen. Get a CMS claim in and let's see how he likes them apples when they start dipping into his precious money.

Unfortunately OP some people really are that heartless it's a fact of life, it's fruitless trying to get your head around it because you never will. You have to look at this a different way.. All he is to you from this point is is a sperm donor no more, no less.

Get the CMS claim in, don't delay.

Seriously no more updates to him on dd. He knows where you are and can make contact himself.
Time for drawing a line under this toxic waste of energy and time to get selfish.
If your unhappy with your weight do something about it now. Change eating habits, exercise, drink loads of water. The exercise will burn off all that negative energy. Discipline your thoughts in that everything you think becomes about you (and dd). STOP thinking what if he meets someone bla de bla and start thinking what if i meet someone? What do i want? Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love dearly. Write it all down and you will begin to see your progress.
When you start learning to make everything about you and how important you are and how much you matter your self confidence will grow. You will be proud of yourself the wonderful human being you are and i promise this will make you strong.
Counselling would seriously help you and help you understand your feelings.
If you focus on you i promise you that by the time he does come crawling back you won't want him. This can happen and you can make it happen. Believe in yourself

Unfortunately OP some people really are that heartless it's a fact of life, it's fruitless trying to get your head around it because you never will. You have to look at this a different way.. All he is to you from this point is is a sperm donor no more, no less.

so true.

Thank you all for the support. Today has been up and down, well not up but I have been trying to be stronger. He told me this evening he doesn't hate me he just doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore.

Just can't understand why.

But after all the hurt and flyness etc over the years it should be me that doesn't have the feelings anymore.

I have been writing stuff done, my feelings, wrote a letter to him and binned it.

I was angry this morning about the way he was about dd. I wish I could be permanently angry with him just now as this would help me.

Tomorrow he sees dd, he is coming to mine until we can sort alternative arrangements for through the week. I will be going out when he is here to soften the blow of seeing him.

I have so much support irl and on here. I wouldn't be here today typing this if it wasn't for everyone.

So many hard days ahead but I am trying to focus on 1 hour at a time for me and dd.

Somehow him telling me he doesn't have the same feelings feels like yet again another set back for me. Feel like I have been kicked while I'm down again.

I'm hoping he does still have feelings for me, not for us to get back together!! And that he's just saying this to get me off his back. I feel worthless tonight

feelings sometimes die. we cant do anything about it.
we cant make someone love us.
its not only you. it can happen to anyone, even to someone married for so many years.
so its not your fault in anyway.
dont upset yourself for the things you dont have control upon.

@bluebell34567 thank you

How are you? @Summerdaysx

How are you @Summerdaysx?

How are you op x