Please help me get over him, I am broken

[Summerdaysx]

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

@Funk2funky I have been trying for 2 weeks now to get myself off the floor and get on with my life but the pain is so bad. I can't seem to get over him, I can't think about all the bad things he's done to me, all I'm thinking about is the good and how he made me happy. Surely there's something wrong with me that I can't see any of this x

@love15 sending love to u & Hope u are stronger than me. It's been 2 weeks and I feel everyday I get worse x

I can't think about all the bad things he's done to me

Why don't you list them here.

It'll help you focus on them and you'll get more perspective on it from MNetters.

From this thread alone, he:

1. Walked out on you, his child and his stepchild (who he's been around for 8 years presumably) a few years ago. Causing you pain & stress and anxiety. Confusing and destabilising his child and stepchild. Presumably leaving the bulk of parenting your child together to you.

1. Decided to go on a lads night out with strip clubs involved.

1. Decided to go ona lads night out drinking and going into strip clubs when your household is struggling for money and your mum had to lend you money.

1. Has walked out on youm your child and his step chld again ... supposedly cause he was challenged about the above. Causing you massive stress and pain, and your children confusion & instability.

1. Left or 5 days before bothering to arrange to see his child after walking out.

1. Seems to have lied in order to not bother to see his child once so far.

......

What "disrespect" has he treated you with over the 8 years?

@WhiskeyGalore212 years ago he used to go out on nights out and turn his phone off, strolling in at like 5am lying about where he had been (I should have left him then but I thought he would change).

Having an emotional affair with a work colleague. (This was around the time he walked out on us 3/4 years ago)

Texting people numerous times while living under the same roof as me and his dd. And by people I mean other woman and not in a friends way.

Lying numerous times about silly stuff (nothing major that I know of).

Not actively being a good parent!

Not helping me around the house etc.

But still I am hung up on him like a total mug! I crave his company, I want him to want me again. Just to have his presence here again.

I know I'm a mug and know I will be flamed and told I should have left him years ago.

Where’s your anger ? He’s treated you appallingly, he’s a liar, cheat and bad father. Why oh why would you want him back. There’s definitely some kind of unhealthy dynamic going on and it’s for the best you aren’t together ( and the best for your dc)

I’m annoyed that I can’t find the link I wanted on YouTube.

10 years ago, I went round to my boyfriend’s house while he was at work. We’d known each other for years and I often called in to let the dogs out or take the washing in if it was raining, or to make lunch if his teenagers were at home poorly.

His ex wife had moved back in. He hadn’t mentioned this was going to happen. It’s making me feel cold now, remembering the utter horror. I did a U turn in the garden so she didn’t see me.

For 2 weeks, I thought I would have a heart attack and die. I had chest pains and felt mad.

Anyway, I was looking for ANYTHING that would help online and found a video clip of a young and rather nervous looking Paul McKenna! The idea was you thought of 3 incidents which were awful in the relationship. You had to think of these in details, the sights, feelings etc. So I thought of his ex wife in the kitchen, how incredibly weird he’d been on my birthday the week before (he just left a card on my doormat at 10pm) and a third incident that I can’t remember now.

You had to think of a fourth nice incident, so thought of when we went to the seaside.

You have to shorten the incidents to a little name like “wife”, “birthday”, “betrayal”, “holiday”.

You basically relax then go through the nasty incidents saying the short word, letting the full awfulness wash over you. Then quickly nip through the nice bit!

This worked surprisingly well.

I also put a list of his “faults” on my fridge and it was literally a list of everything that irritated me about him, so it included things like “wearing a short sleeved shirt under a suit” and “unnecessary changing up and down gears all the time instead of leaving it in 5th like a normal person”. Then of course lies, deceit, unfaithfulness, crap with money, runs away from problem. drank too much.... I loved that list!

And stop texting him. The last thing you want is to get into trouble for harassing him.

*he used to go out on nights out and turn his phone off, strolling in at like 5am lying about where he had been

Having an emotional affair with a work colleague. (This was around the time he walked out on us 3/4 years ago)

Texting people numerous times while living under the same roof as me and his dd. And by people I mean other woman and not in a friends way.*

I'm not trying to upset you but from your other thread onward I had a feeling there would be cheating or some thing like it in the background with this guy.

Going out til the morning .. where was he staying until 5am? Turned his phone off - he didn't want communication with you, or to be seen/heard communicating with you.

Was the emotional affair really only emotional?
You might not ever know, but it's infidelity whether it was or wasn't.

Texting other women in a flirtatious, sexual, suggestive, whatever way. More sort of cheating or attempted cheating.

Again, I'm not trying to upset you but id probably put more money on him cheating during his out til 5am nights out and on that affair being physical to some extent too, than the opposite.

He's a cheat.
He's never been committed to your relationship & family. It was obvious from the second he walked out over the lads night out incident (which is really , selfish, irresponsible shitty behaviour as well). It wasn't surprising when you said he'd walked out before.

He's been cheating or nearly cheating for what seems like most of the relationship.

He doesn't want to be with one woman (at this time in his life anyway) by the sounds of it.

It's also not surprising to read he's not an active parent and does next to nothing around the house - because he sounds extremely sexist and also like he doesn't want to be in a family.

This is not good for your kids.

Your daughter is seeing you do everything around the home, like you're a domestic slave. Him not helping you or pulling his weight.
That's not a good example.

Same for your child from a previous relationship.

Even worse is his lack of parenting effort. Is that what you want your kids to think is normal for a man. Disinterested in them as kids and has everything done for him.

Also you can try your utmost to be positive and upbeat etc for them when you're upset and anxious and stressed (when he's staying out all night with his phone off, when he's caught having an emotional (?) affair and then then actually leaves, when he's caught texting other women inappropriately; but that inevitably affects you and kids are very perceptive and instinctive.

He's been affecting you as a person and a parent, detracting from your happiness and relaxation and confidence and stability for years.

You are so caught up with trying to win with him .. you can't see he's not worth winning. You shouldn't have taken him back after the suspicious nights out with phone turned off and lies about where he's been, and then the emotional affair.

He's not a good dad or stepdad either and doesn't pull his weight or help you at home.

This is not minor, it's major.

Any one of them is major, but especially the cheating.

And he keeps walking out! He's now done it for the second time.

How many more times do you want to be put through this?

Are you hoping he'll finally settle down and stop looking elsewhere and leaving every few years? Maybe he will but I wouldn't be putting any money on it.

And he'll still be a lazy, selfish, bad parent, expects to be catered to, sexist/disrespectful wanker.

If having a lovely little child with you hasn't made him settle and stop leaving, what would?

@Funk2funky I honestly have no idea where my anger is. I am depressed (have had issues with mh for years). I don't know if this is clouding my judgement or something but I do feel angry but at same time want him to come back, although I know he would most likely do it again. Him coming home would relieve this pain, even if it was for a while.

@WhiskeyGalore212 I know he is a cheat, maybe not physically cheated but I know everything he has done to me is just as bad.

Why do I not value myself enough to accept that he has treated me like absolute s**t for years, why did I keep taking him back? I honestly hoped he would change, I hoped he would grow up and we would be this perfect little family unit that I really really wanted . I wanted my dd to have both parents together, happy, nice big fairytale.

Yes I am so caught up with winning him back at the moment I can't see clearly! I wish I could give myself a shake and see this for the reality.

I have absolutley no self respect, I know this!

Thank you so much for the support.

I really am ashamed of my behaviour regarding all this .

Also I have crossed wires somewhere in the post, we only have 1 dd, 1 child between the 2 of us.

@Hen2018 thank you so much for the advice. I will try looking for this on google and YouTube and will try using these steps.

Your story is so sad, can't believe his ex wife moved back in and you went round and seen for you're self rather than him telling you, people can be nasty nasty creatures at times!!

Oh sorry, I don't know why but I thought you had a child from a previous relationship.

You've got caught up in the ideal, traditional family thing, but that only works with a man who's capable of it, who's a good partner and parent.
Even with you taking his shit behaviour and doing everything at home, he's still walking out.

In terms of dealing with the pain;

Tell yourself that you're not going to think about him and the situation for half an hour at least, and then stick to it. Do something, anything to distract yourself - learn how to do something new on youtube etc, like a language or make something or a hair tutorial or something with your kids (even better a take up a physical activity outside, I saw mums go outsit on kayaking with their kids ta my local club) - keep building those half hours.

How much pain you're in, how much you think about - won't change what's happening. It won't change him. It won't change whether you get back together.

In fact you being not a wreck and enjoying things is far more likely to make someone regret leaving & look at someone positively than the opposite.

Fact is though; I hope if he ever does try to come back; you've moved on and don't; take him back. He's not worth it.

@WhiskeyGalore212 thank you .

Yes I was so caught up in the idea of having a happy family that I overlooked all the flaws.

I am in no way innocent here and did have trust issues with him going out "with the boys" but this is due to his history. Things had been good recently, I started to trust him more again etc, then he does this .

The way he has handled this full situation since leaving is just horrible, he is so cheeky with me and just tell me "he's had enough". No proper explanation etc.

I really just think he wants to have the single life, out partying etc whenever he wants, with no bills to pay and no1 to answer to.

Just a shame that he stayed around for 8 years and I continued to (stupidly) love him more everyday.

Sorry this is from the DM scumbag paper but it might be useful.

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-165247/10-steps-heal-broken-heart.html

@Hen2018 thank you hen I will have a look just now

did have trust issues with him going out "with the boys" but this is due to his history.

That would be kinda understandable with a guy who stayed out til 5am on nights out, lied about where he was, turned his phone off .. later had an emotional (?!) affair with a work colleague, and kept messaging other women inappropriately!!!!

You'd have to be inhuman (and stupid) not to have trust issues.

It just seems like hi behaving v badly, you being affected by that, then you being blamed for being affcted by it, and that being used an excuse for why he doesn't want to be with you etc.

HOw can you possbly win with such a twisted nasty dickhead who doesn't take any responsibility for his behaviour. I'd like to see how well he'd have trusted you if you were doing what he was!

I really just think he wants to have the single life, out partying etc whenever he wants, with no bills to pay and no1 to answer to

Yup.

Seems like he's been like that along.

Oh i forgot to say; it would also be understandable given he and his mates activities on nights out ... I don't many women who'd be ok with their partners going into strip clubs on nights out (it's not even a stag do).

@WhiskeyGalore212 thank you. That makes me feel a bit better as he says I'm paranoid! No I'm not, you made me like this and instead of walking away from the relationship I chose to work at it, strted trusting you again then this happened.

No wonder my head is so messed up .

But I do feel guilty, I think if I hadn't put my foot down about the money situation regarding the night out and hadn't acted jealous in the past regarding nights out then he wouldn't have left.

But he would, or he would have continued doing it all to me over and over again.

Very sad when you love someone so much & they continually treat you as a doormat but you still can't seem to forget about them

can your mum help you op?
you said she helped financially before, so she must be around.

also women's aid have help about such situations.
if i remember correctly it is called 'Freedom Program' something. it is for women who were abused but still couldnt leave/forget their abusive partners. maybe available online.

You don't miss him you're just lonely. This is why it's so important for women to have friends.

I'm surprised at the gp visit and meds.. since when do doctors indulge heartbreak as a medical issue?