Please help me get over him, I am broken

[Summerdaysx]

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

1. Rejection + feelings of abandonment = panic = obsessive and desperate need to contact him.
2. Lack of hearing from him = an overwhelming feeling of being alone and thoughts of the future being a huge void.
3. I have counselled for many years. If men do decide to come back they do it after a period of time, never in the eye of the storm and never while there’s desperate pleas.
4. Giving him time is not your enemy, you are. Want him back, back off. Cling and he will push u away more adamantly.
5. If he left he was unfulfilled. Not necessarily your fault but your life is ur responsibility. You probably feel drunk on the dizzying sense of loss. If he comes back now nothing in the relationship will change enough to sustain for the long run. He needs to want you again so u need to be wantable.

Grief loss rejection him being with someone else can ansnoften does make one physically sick and feeling like going insane. It doesn’t last. Get some meds to help calm you. Get a vision of a beautiful you and by that I mean light and happy. Grieve, mope but know it will not always feel like this and when uve sobered up from the pain u will stand strong. Pls don’t mumsnetters don’t blast for the ‘nevers’. Your loving new man (or when this one comes crawling shd u want him back) you’ll be loved and held. Later look how u contributed to the negatives in the relationship. Every minute feels like an anguished eternity but in a blink time will have past and I’ll feel differently or be stronger. He’ll be realusing the OWs breath smells, annoys him, he’ll miss you. Wait.

@LesleyA thank you, you have reassured me again (like others have) that I'm not going off my head!

Yes I feel in panic mode, so so used to having him here, telling him everything & anything & now he's just gone!

I promise I really am trying my best to back off and not contact him, I hadn't contacted him at all for 24 hours, sounds pathetic but was a major accomplishment for me! Then contacted him about something important, said what I had to say then left it at that.

I'm just so scared I will be so easily forgotten just now, while I'm trying to get through this horrible time he is just living his life as normal, no emotion! And that is breaking me even more.

Thank you for you're advice.

And thank you so much to every single one of you who have commented on this thread, yous really do keep me going.

Don’t text him op it achieves the opposite of what you want. He knows how you feel, it will push him away more.
I find it hard to believe he hasn’t done any physical cheating being out all night. I would have divorced my dh over even a couple of those things on your list!
I think you have a dependence on him more than anything, I had this type of relationship once. The pain was awful but when I’d broken the dependence I felt 100x better. I’d say it took a month or so. My depression also improved. I had to go to work and interact which really helped even though I dreaded going out each day.
You know what after that he wanted me back and I said no thanks!

@Summerdaysx

Sooo desperate to text him and tell him I miss him . What is wrong with me!!!

your texting him wont help you. it will stroke his ego. but not good for you. keep your dignity.

I am trying so hard. Today I feel again like my insides have been ripped out.

Why does he hate me so much to do this to me? I felt stronger last night, today I feel so so weak. This should be getting slightly easier by now, but it's getting harder. Every minute I am thinking about him, the pain inside my body is so bad I feel like I want to be sick. Dd is with him today for a few hours. All he wants to do is be as far away from me as possible someone who gave him everything & anything. I would do anything just now for him to want me again, I still can't fully accept the fact he doesn't & he won't again.

I just don't want any social contact just now I just want to shut myself off and grieve for this as much as I can.

I am shutting myself in the house away from everyone and everything. Dd is fine, still playing outside with friends etc.

This seems like a really bad idea.

You need time out and distraction from the pain & grief sometimes.
You're not helping yourself doing this,

he doesnt hate you i am sure of that.
he just doesnt want that life with responsibilities.
he doesnt look at you maybe because

• he doesnt want to give you any false hopes in any way,
• or he feels guilty but cant change the situation,
• or sometimes men do this when they cheat.

Also your dd may be playing outside but you could be doing things with her, lovely things together in this good weather.

It's the height of summer, she's on school holidays and you could be doing nice things with her.

Nothing you do or feel at this point will change whether this selfish, faithless bastard gets back into a relationship with you. You need to give yourself some distraction and timeout and have some quality time outside with your dd.

Why does he hate me so much to do this to me?

Not wanting to be in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you hate them. It means you don't want to be in a relationship with them.

I'm not sure this guy wants to be in a relationship - a monogamous, serious, committed, family unit type relationship with anyone.

For whatever reasons he doesn't want to be .. have you ever been involved with someone you didn't want to get into or stay in a relationship with? The other person doing everything and going on about how much they love or need you doesn't change that. It has to be two sided, it has to be 50-50.

If a woman ended a relationship with a guy and he kept talking aout how much he loved her and how much he's done for her, and how good he's been to her etc. We would be thinking - "mate, it doesn't actually matter, you can't provide both sides, it has to be two sided and she has to want to be in a relationship with you too".

You suffer from anxiety, depression etc. so this situation is even harder o you than on someone who doesn't ... you need to be kind to yourself and you need to take a break from the hair tearing and wallowing.

Nothing you do or feel will change his feelings and decisions.

The thing most likely to make him see you positively, is you not being like this.

But seriously, why would you want him to want back - it'll probably just be more of the same. He's not good relationship material.

There are other blokes in the world, you know.

This isn't even a particularly nice or good one.

Thank you @bluebell34567 and @WhiskeyGalore212 I am deeply depressed, not just to do with him leaving but this has heightened my depression. I think that's why I'm acting so irrationally. I am going to write some feelings down just now, try and process this in my head. He couldn't be any more clear, he does not want me!!! Why can I not accept it? Why am I so messed up in the head that I can't see this??

Sorry x post whiskey.

I can honestly see him getting into another relationship soon, he's messaging someone else already, the thought of that makes me so sick.

I do think he hates me, his attitude towards me tells me it.

I know nothing i can do will change his feelings etc.

I just feel so lost today I want to scream, I am crying again, I need help

@Summerdaysx

Sorry x post whiskey.

I can honestly see him getting into another relationship soon, he's messaging someone else already, the thought of that makes me so sick.

I do think he hates me, his attitude towards me tells me it.

I know nothing i can do will change his feelings etc.

I just feel so lost today I want to scream, I am crying again, I need help

there are some thoughts that we need to avoid and give no importance at all. yours is one of those. dont get stuck on it. you know it is irrational. keep always good thoughts. that man is not what you imagine of. he doesnt hate you. he just wants another life.

try to reaad everything carefully so it helps you.

*read

He couldn't be any more clear, he does not want me!!! Why can I not accept it? Why am I so messed up in the head that I can't see this??

You are finding it hard because while he has been very dodgy in his behaviour for years, and left once before; You have been living together in a serious relationship etc for a long time and you naturally felt like he must want to be there to some extent, and must have some commitment etc.
But this latest walk out on top of everything else ... would suggest he's not.

Fwiw I think it's perfectly possible he might try to come back after this phase of singledom and "dating" but who knows how long taht would take, and most importantly you may not want him back and probably shouldnt' him back.

In terms of him getting involved with other people - look, he's been staying out to the early hours and turning off his phoen and lyig about his whereabouts in the past, he's had an emotional affair (at teh very very least) with a work colleague, he's been caught messaging other women in a sexual/romantic way; all while in a relationship with & living with you; so it's hardly fky surprising that he's involving himself with other people now he's walked out and considers himself single!

He acted single when he wasn't so what's he going to act like when he officially is?

What are they getting though?

He's lazy and sexist around the house, he's a poor parent, he's inclined to cheat, he goes into strip clubs, he lies ..... what a prize.

Oh and he can't manage money so he's out spending money he hasn't got on drink and strippers.

He's a fkg mess an a really shit partner. I pity any woman who gets with him. If they have any sense they'll move on when they realise what he's like.

He's lazy and sexist around the house, he's a poor parent, he's inclined to cheat, he goes into strip clubs, he lies ..... what a prize.

agree. they wont give him much time.

@WhiskeyGalore212

Oh and he can't manage money so he's out spending money he hasn't got on drink and strippers.

He's a fkg mess an a really shit partner. I pity any woman who gets with him. If they have any sense they'll move on when they realise what he's like.

so true.

Let them be a Jeremy Kyle contestant with him if they like, associating with and even fighting over scummy unfaithful, sleazy men; you don't have to be one.

dont waste any more of your time and energy for him. yours and dd's lives are precious.

instead enjoy your lives. think only of happy thoughts.
be happy with what you have.

Thank you again @bluebell34567 and @WhiskeyGalore212 I am sorry I keep repeating the same stuff over and over again. It's just so hard and writing it down in here and reading the replies does give me some strength.

I know he's not good for me, I really do. But I can't get this out of my mindset, why is he treating me like this? Why is he moving on so quickly? Why do I mean absolutley nothing to him after 8 years? I honestly just want him to realise how much I love him, how much I done for him, I want him to feel the pain I feel just now and I do hope that one day I am strong enough to reject him the way he has rejected me.

I feel if I hadn't moaned so much etc then I wouldn't be feeling like this today, he can't see my point about the money and the trust issues.

I really believe he wouldn't treat someone else the way he has treated me, at the start it was amazing! He would treat them amazing while I'm just kicked to the kerb.

Why do I mean absolutley nothing to him after 8 years? I honestly just want him to realise how much I love him, how much I done for him

You didn't mean nothing to him before and you don't mean nothing to him now, you have always meant very little though and at no point has he been as focused on you as you have him. because you've never let him worry he isn't good enough for you.

Why would he realise anything right now? you're doing what you've always done, waiting for him to throw you some crumbs as reward for your adoration and sacrifices.

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else, the 'new woman being treated amazingly' that you are so fearful of has likely already happened before now and you were likely oblivious to them.

Try to focus on that reality because he is likely to drop a 'new bird' bombshell soon.

Not to worry too much as men like him tend to carry on nipping back to the ex for some old familiar sex whenever they fancy it.

Get angry. Please.

why is he treating me like this? Why is he moving on so quickly?

No offence but you say "is" like this is something new or recent

But it's not.

When was he staying out all night, turning his phone off and lying about where he'd been?

He had an "emotional" affair and left you 4/4 years ago.

When did you catch him messaging other women romantically/sexually?

He's been acting like this and treating you like this, off and on for quite a long time - most of the relationship (?)

You said he tretaed you amazingly at the beginning of the relationship; it's highly likely he'll be like with any other partner too, that's what they're in for .. treated like shit or discarded when the honeymoon period is over and the novelty wears off.

You're asking the wron questions like many women - instead of "what's wrong with me, why's he treating me like this" ... "what's wromg with him, why does he avt like this, is he good partner material?"

Instead of why doesn;t he love me; "why do I love him when he's not good partner material and hasn't been treated me decently for a lor of the relationship/since the honeymoon period".