Please help me get over him, I am broken

[Summerdaysx]

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

*3/4 years ago

Look in the absolute kindest/nicest opinion of him (not the true one but let's just say he's not a bastard) .. he has been involved in some very suspicious behaviour (the all nighters and going out of contact), he's gotten involved with a work colleague and left you for her (and why did you get back together, did she actually end it with him as much as the other way around?), and he's been messaging other women in a non platonic way. He's now left you again and doesn't want to discuss getting back together ..... so the guy (for whatever reasons) keeps looking elsewhere, has actually left you twice, and cannot commit properly to a relationship with you. He oviously cant and doesn't want to. No-one committed would walk out over what he walked out over (he was completely in the wrong too but that's another subject).

What is the point of trying to make him commit to someone he doesn't want to/can't commit too? There's just no point.

Only he knows why - and he's hardly likely to give you an honest kind explanation.

Fwiw I think he'd be like this to some extent with anyone after the honeymoon phase.

Back on "why is he moving on so quickly?" - he had an affair and formed a relationship with another woman before he left you the last time ffs.

How more quickly can you move on than that?! He'd already got a new woman before he even left!

Why would it be surprising if he was involved with someone else quickly this time - seriously.

There's a line in the surprisingly good book "he's just not that into you" about women trying to make relationships work with men who are not committed and the author says "she focuses on all the times he's come back" - "what i focus on is how many times he's broken up with you/left you". It's a sign the person is not settled/committed and will probably do it again sooner or later.

Oh and him acting like he hates you ... he probably feels guilty and uncomfortable .. he knows he looks like a shit walking out on his partner and child, he knows you're devastated, he doesn't want to deal with it so his reaction is angry and pissed off.

You're a reminder that he's hurt and disappointed you and is breaking up your family in its nuclear form. That he's got to show an interest in and make time for his dd on his own, whch he probably can't really be bothered doing, but he knows he;; look bad and get hammered for more child maintenance if he doesn't. That all probably puts him in bad twist. Poor guy .

Also men who cheat or leave tend to have to make out the woman is a nightmare to justify it to themselves and others. So they'll act like she's unbearable or a bitch.

Thank you all. I picked up dd and he was a cu*t to me. No emotion and didn't even want to speak to me. Need to move on with my life now. The amount of hurt he has caused me is unbelievable and I truly hope that 1 day he feels the way I do right now as he clearly doesn't understand and doesn't care about how I feel. Thank you all for the support honestly it's much appreciated. I will keep reading this over and over and pray I will get through this.

Keep posting. He will be different next time and the time after that depending on his mood. You will go back to feeling shit and then full of resolve again, you will also notice a change in his treatment of you when you start to get your shit together again

I've been where you are too. Begging, taking responsibility for absolutely everything that went wrong, apologising for things I hadn't done, apologising for behaviour I hadn't done. I truly felt my heart was broken and I would never love someone else like that again. It absolutely killed me to think of him with someone else. He was emotionally abusive in the extreme and I believed him when he said it was all my fault. He would CUT UP MY CLOTHES to stop me going out without him!! I mean, wtf?!?! And I accepted this was my fault! It's laughable, it really is. But he's so charismatic that people fell over to spend time with him, so I genuinely thought that everything that went wrong was my fault!

It took me a long time to get over him. It happened in stages, like one week I would miss him less, two weeks down the line I needed him less, etc. I'm now 5 years on. Last year he got married and had a baby - that hit me hard, more so than I expected. I'm in a relationship with a lovely, kind, gentle man who I am head over heels in love with. A gradual falling in love, not a heady, passionate, quick way.

And you know what? I wouldn't get back with my ex if he was the last man on earth. He will never change, he will treat his wife the same way he treated me, to some extent or other. I actually feel repulsed by him.

You WILL get through this. Take it day by day, hour by hour if necessary. You'll find your self respect again, your dignity will re-appear and one day you will look at him and think - WTF?! He's not treating you like a decent person would - he lies, he's flaky, completely dismissive of your emotions.

I know it's heart-breakingly tough. I know that your mind is taking you to the darkest places. Something did help me - that was thinking what I would say to a friend who was in a relationship like that, or my dds. What advice would you give to them?

Take care of yourself and keep posting here xx

@lilmishap thank you, I can't wait to the day where I don't feel like this again. I will keep posting as it helps me to cope. Thank you x

@JackOfGentleman thank you so much this gives me faith that I will feel better one day! Sorry you had to go through this and have the horrible feelings it brings, so happy to hear you have a new dp and are happy . I can't wait for the day to get my dignity, confidence and self respect back because I don't recognise myself at the moment and it is horrible. Thank you so much for posting, this has really helped me just now to know other people have felt the way I feel as was really starting to think something was wrong with me with how I'm blaming myself and can't see myself without him etc x

thats a very good one:

Something did help me - that was thinking what I would say to a friend who was in a relationship like that, or my dds. What advice would you give to them?

@bluebell34567 yes I agree. If it was my friend or my dd I would not be happy one bit! I don't value myself enough to do it when it's myself though. Have lost all my confidence etc in the last few years. I just want this to go away and focus on myself and dd from now on.

Well that a positive step - you’re already thinking of you and dd without him in the picture

Of course you will get through this. You survived perfectly fine before he came into your life and lied and deceived you.

Don't doubt your ability to move on with your life.

@Funk2funky I know, thank you. I have been a complete wreck today, all day. Can't stomach anything to eat again etc . I do know deep down we both deserve so much better. It's just trying to process it all in my head while he's out having the time of his life with god knows who.

@Windmillwhirl thank you so much. I am doubting every choice I make just now, doubting everything.

It's notable he's jumped ship just as restrictions lift.

Also notable he already seems to get "dating ", you have to wonder if he's been back communicating with other woman (but hiding it better) and already had someone set up.

*seems to be dating.

I think, with this sort of guy, there could be stuff going on behind the scenes you aren't aware of.

Have lost all my confidence etc in the last few years

He played quite a big part in that but the sounds of it.

@WhiskeyGalore212 I can 99% say I know he didn't have anyone lined up, he always let me use his phone, left it around etc.

Basically as soon as he left he made a new social media and was right on it adding everyone and their granny! Then told me he had deleted it as knew it was disrespectful to me, then reactivated it and told me he doesn't use it. He seriously thinks I button up the back!

But yes 100% someone new has his attention now, after 8 years he just moves on so quickly like that! Whilst telling me he's not talking to anyone and has no intentions of even as much as kissing someone else. That's really painful just now, the fact that I know someone else does have his attention & is probably getting the nicest words out his mouth whilst I'm getting the worst word and then silent treatment etc.

The escalation of the conflict over his boozy, sleazy, not affordable night out into him walking out could be part of some bigger picture. It's being used as a catalyst and excuse but it is really the reason he's left (again) now lockdown is lifting and social venues and open again etc.

@WhiskeyGalore212 yes he did play a good part in me losing my confidence and I have gained some extra weight in the last few years. So now I feel totally worthless.

It seems like he wants to be single as kickdown lifts, whether he had anyone lined up or not.

Lockdown!

after 8 years he just moves on so quickly like that

Well he wasn't faithful during those 8 years and he moved on to someone else (his colleague) while still with you, so not much of a surprise.

I have gained some extra weight in the last few years. So now I feel totally worthless.

I personally know quite a number of women who are easily 16s and who have apparently happy, devoted relationships. People have all different tastes and in my experience many men prefer the boobs etc that come with carrying a bit of weight over skinny Minnie's like myself. I generally get more attention from men the more weight I have on.

Your value to yourself, your family, friends a d to any decent potential partner is more than your weight or appearance.

If you really want up lose weight though, it lines up perfectly with getting out and doing some activities and new things and being active .. it would help.ypur mental health. It will help distract you from this situation.

A girl I knows friend joined a walking group, then hill walking/hiking and she says says the slimmest she's ever seen her.