Please help me get over him, I am broken

[Summerdaysx]

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

I think if I hadn't put my foot down about the money situation regarding the night out

You were right to try to put your foot down over the boozy, strip club featuring, potentially expensive night out - while you were on your arses money wise and had loaned money off your mum. Totally in the right. If you have to take selfish, sleazy, inappropriate, irresponsible, behaviour to keep a relationship; is it a decent relationship?

hadn't acted jealous in the past regarding nights out

How would he have been acting if you'd done half of what he did? He wouldn't have hung around to feel jealous or insecure.
Noone normal or same would have felt secure in a relationship with the behaviour you've outlined.

... then he wouldn't have left.

I think he'd have left at some point again no matter what. He's been "looking", he's been acting like a single man for quite a lot of the time.

But he would, or he would have continued doing it all to me over and over again.

Yes.

since when do doctors indulge heartbreak as a medical issue?

When it's causing anxiety, insomnia and possible depression. Are you usually this obtuse?

When it's causing anxiety, insomnia and possible depression normal and temporary reactions to a big event in your life, rather than a medical problem

Luckily, medical professionals aren’t so judgemental as to withhold medication for people who are suffering, just because they don’t approve of the reasons.

normal and temporary reactions to a big event in your life, rather than a medical problem

I personally am against medication for anxiety and depression, however it does help some people through the worst.
Also gp's are the funnel for counselling.

You might also want to google “broken heart syndrome” that actually kills bereaved people - including my grandad.

(I should add that the reason I'm against it is that I find it sometimes makes people feel worse or increases anxiety etc. Prozac has warnings about suicide - it has an association with suicide in the early use. I also know of someone who overdosed while on anxiety and depression meds, and I don't think that would have happened had she not been on them).

How ever some people benefit from meds to jelp with anxiety, insomnia, depression etc.

In this case it seems like Op might actually benefit from a gp referring her t some counselling/CBT etc. to get out of the dysfunctional compulsion to stay in this relationship, and examine her love for this man.

Uing the word man loosely.

I have been in anxiety and depression medication for a while now, this isn't something new. I have recently changed medications as the ones I were on were no longer working for me.

Just happened to be that he left me when u had nothing in my system and it's taking a while to get back into my system with the new ones so I had asked gp if she could give me something that would be a short term help until my new tablets kicked in.

@WhiskeyGalore212 thank you whiskey, that has made me feel a bit better that I am not being unreasonable in my thinking as I do feel guilty just now thinking what could I have done to save this etc. I have self referred for counselling on my gps advice.

WhiskeyGalore212 yeah, excellent posts, happy for op.

That was my point. I believe antidepressants can be useful but seem a strange solution to what will be a temporary feeling, although I know how devastating it will be. I now see you were already taking them so I understand why you would be seeking additional support.
I'm all for counselling, support etc

Not talking about OP now: I'm glad mental health is talked about and considered much more nowadays but I do feel there's conflation with normal human reactions when something bad or stressful happens. You shouldn't need to correct the chemicals in your brain with drugs when you are greiving or under lots of stress at work for example. Maybe people don't agree but it's ok to feel bad sometimes when bad stuff happens. When it's every day and for no reason then that's a different story.

@thisplaceisweird

I definitely agree with you, that it’s okay to feel bad. There was concern here because the OP spoke about feeling suicidal, and at a time when she was already suffering from depression and anxiety, and was undergoing a change in medication. It always takes the body a bit of time to adjust to a change in medication. (I know this from my own experience.)

My feeling is that it’s the depression that’s making the OP feel as bad as she is as much as the painful break-up.

Yes I have felt suicidal at times, haven't done anything due to having my dd but feel I am well and truly at rock bottom and don't know how to pull myself out of it. I am shutting myself in the house away from everyone and everything. Dd is fine, still playing outside with friends etc. I just truly have felt so broken.

OP you'll need a few week or even months of just 'feeling it'. Get comfy in feeling pretty shitty for a while. You need to feel it all and after a while it'll start to get a bit easier every day.

Indulge yourself for a couple of weeks and then go on major distraction mode. Excersize and social contact is the way to go.

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to? It helps x

@thisplaceisweird thank you. I am definetley comfy I'm feeling like this as I don't see it changing anti or soon. I just don't want any social contact just now I just want to shut myself off and grieve for this as much as I can. X

@Funk2funky yes I have good support just feel like everyone is sick of listening to me now. Everyone tells me I need to move on and pull myself out of this, believe me I am trying so hard I just don't know how to stop thinking about him and what he's doing etc. My best friends been amazing! But still can't get it all into my head.

No doubt he will be out again this weekend, living his life while I'm stuck feeling like this. My head is already doing overtime on who will he be talking to? Will he kiss or sleep with anyone else

Write down all the things that he’s done intentionally that he knows hurt you. Make a clear concise list and every time you find yourself thinking back to the good old days, take a hard look at that list . It will serve to remind you that he is not a good person, he has treated you appallingly. He goes out for the night and rolls in at 5 am, I’d imagine that there were plenty of times he had not long climbed out of someone else’s bed to come home to you.
Sorry I’m not trying to hurt you but you need to lose this mad idea that he was good to you. You don’t chat to other women while you are living happily with someone, unless you are a totally selfish wanker with not even a basic level of respect for them
It’s only been 2 weeks, it’s very early days you don’t be anywhere like over him . Give yourself time. I know you don’t feel like doing anything but try to find things to do so you have other things to occupy your mind. Lastly please don’t feel you did anything wrong. A healthy relationship can withstand disagreements without someone walking out the door. If my DH had behaved as he had I would have had massive trust issues too, nah actually I’d have walked long before this.
One day you will look back and you will surprise yourself at how little you feel for him anymore and the pain you are feeling now will almost feel like it happened to someone else. I’ve been in your exact position in the past , people told me that and I felt annoyed that they would say that and it showed they didn’t understand how devastated I was , but you know what , they were bang on.
Be patient with yourself , youlll get there . X

Sooo desperate to text him and tell him I miss him . What is wrong with me!!!

I understand how you are feeling. I've been there. It's absolutely horrendous. What worked for me was completely cutting all contact. I know you have a daughter but does she go to school / nursery? Could you do drop off and he pick up so you don't actually see each other?
I had a good friend who told me to text her every time I wanted to text him. She got a lot of texts!
It's so hard but you can do it. Now I am very happy with a lovely man and now when I see him around. He's just an ordinary bloke. Nothing special at all but infatuation isn't logical and at the time I thought I couldn't live without him. Stay strong. Lean on your good friends and family if you can and it will get better. Sending hugs x

@Bobbi73 thank you so much.

Yes she is in primary school but has finished up for the summer holidays and her dad works so wouldn't be possible that way. I am going to need to ask a family member if they could help with pick up/drop off as the pain seeing him is too much. I was doing a bit better today, tonight I'm a wreck again, desperate to text him telling him how much I miss him in the hopes that he will change his mind. I'm such a mug but can't help how I feel. X

Hi OP I've read the whole thread. A few posts ago you write a list of all his bad points, all the horrible horrible, things he had done to you. Write that down on a piece of paper and every single time you want to text him read it. Write another list of all the qualities you would want in a partner for your DD and compare them. I bet they look pretty different don't they?

You talk about what if he's out there kissing or sleeping with other people but he has been doing that while stringing you along for years. Get angry about that! Even if he came back nothing would be fixed, this horrible feeling you feel right now would last for EVER, knowing what he is out there doing. This horrible pain WILL fade I absolutely promise you. Just take it day by day.

@showmethegin thank you so much I am in tears reading you're reply. I just feel so so hurt. I don't honestly think he has ever physically cheated, but what he has done to me throughout the years is bad enough. I don't know why I can't process all this in my head. Why am I so obsessed with him I can't understand this. I know he's a di*k and the way he has treated me is terrible but I'm still hung up on him and secretly hoping he will come back

I finally had enough. Yes it’s been far too long.
I told him I’m done I’m out. We worked out that I can’t cope with his expectations of me and I told him not only can’t I cope I don’t want to either.
I told him that he had to accept that and be ok about it. Or it’s over.
Now he’s gone quiet. Which sounds ok in principle but it’s a tactic to get me to fix things. I hate being ignored and usually I pull out all the stops to fix problems.
Just need some reassurance that I’m doing the right thing and that giving in now will only cause problems down the line (like last time and the time before that and the one before that etc)

Sorry. I thought I was starting a new thread. So sorry.