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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me get over him, I am broken

350 replies

Summerdaysx · 09/07/2021 10:48

Making a new thread as I need help.

Dp of 8 years left me & dd. (Have another thread - don't know how to link but it's called dp night out I don't want him to go).

I am completely broken. I can't accept that it's over, I am still hoping he will come back. Although he's telling me he won't.

I am in a permanent daze, crying when dd is out of sight. Constantly texting him telling him I miss him.

What can I do? Please help me. The pain is so bad

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 14/07/2021 02:55

It's like a scab: no matter how much it itches, you have to let it be.

thats a good definition.

my prayers are with you op. Flowers

Smidgexxx · 14/07/2021 03:05

Sending you a hug. Have you tried writing things down. I have a second email account and I type out exactly how I feel and save it to drafts.
I've recently had a toxic man mess me about and it's very different to your situation but I had to end it after discovering more and more lies. I wasn't in the best place recently.

In all honesty it starts of painful. Then gets a little easier. Now I have mostly good days with the odd bad one. So time is a biggy.

Keeping busy is another biggy. I remember feeling much more positive after a day out shopping and giggling with another recently single friend.

Eventually i started to feel more positive towards the future and now I'm open to the idea of another man and appreciate there are alot more people in this world to meet.

Podcasts really helped me.
Heartbreak to happiness is a good channel.

It will take time. I actually wished I could go to sleep some days to stop feeling. It has to get easier. 8 years is a long time. Not sure why he left but it's alot for you to process.

Wishing you all the best.

Summerdaysx · 14/07/2021 04:16

Thank you all. I'm sorry I am not replying individually, I promise I am reading every single comment and taking note.

I am really struggling. I feel like I no longer want to be alive because the pain is so bad. Only reason I am still here is because of dd.

Everyday the pain gets worse. I am obsessively thinking what is he doing and with who? Surely this isn't normal that I am so hung up on him and what he's doing when he has absolutley no thought for me at any time.

OP posts:
whichwayisup · 14/07/2021 05:09

Hi Summer

Sertraline makes everything worse before it gets better. The anxiety and fever pitch emotions peak and then they subside. Just think of it as a biological process. Don't dwell on it. Accept it's part of recovery and just try getting through each day. When it kicks in (5-6weeks) you will feel calmer.

I'm so glad to hear you have got rid of this man from your life. Well done.

This man you have had the misfortune of living with for 8 years sounds like the worst type of man. You need to spend time figuring out why you were even drawn to such a lowlife. You need to stop this pattern or your daughter will end up exactly where you are now. The cycle has to stop.

This is going to sound really daft in the same way that when I used to smoke and I read Alan Carr's The Easy Way To Stop Smoking where he says the secret way to stop smoking is just to never have another cigarette... I thought aye, really, does it aye? Fast forward to a year later when I had stopped smoking easily and I would hear myself saying... It really is just deciding not to smoke another cigarette.

You just have to make a decision. Your decision has to be that you will never go back to the person you were that brought you to this breaking point. It's nothing to do with him. He is just the manifestation of disordered thinking on your part. You need to change your internal voice. You are focussing on how broken you are because you are telling yourself over and over again that you are broken. Change the messaging. Everytime you hear that painful, pathetic voice jump up shake about and shout... I am strong, I am resilient, I will protect my daughter from a life of feckless men. I am changing my future and my daughter's future by being strong and finding real happiness. Or whatever statement works for you. Your brain will do what it's told. It's a magic trick.

You are stronger than you ever knew. You are about to start building an incredible future for you and your daughter. You have taken the first difficult steps, by letting him know that his behaviour was not acceptable. He left because he wants to be with someone who will accept his very poor behaviour, and he will find someone as broken as you were who will comply. Believe it or not, you are less broken now that you are free of him and able to heal. You know that you and your daughter deserve better. I can imagine just how incredible you both are and I guarantee you that in time, when you've found your strength and know your own worth, you will be so proud that you took these first difficult steps.

Littlepaws18 · 14/07/2021 06:45

You will get through this, I know it's hard to see right now, but just take every day at a time.... before you realise it it will be a week, a month where you haven't cried. Listen to Ben Harper walk away and lissie further away. Remember you weren't unreasonable, your 'mistake' wasn't an offence that should of led to this. He was treating you poorly long before now and most importantly... YOU DESERVE MORE. You deserve exactly what you put into the relationship. I have had 6 years of poor relationships poor choices every single one of them I thought was the one and every single one wasn't. It was hard a hard lesson to learn but I did and realised my standards I set for myself were so low. When I realised this I changed and only let people in who deserved to be.... now I'm moving house, having a baby (in the same week!) and getting married 2 weeks later to my soulmate. Which is just insane, but ask me three years ago would I ever be in this position and I would have told you the only path for me is crazy cat lady! Two more songs for you.... Adam Holmes people come/ people go and Adam Roa you are who you have been looking for.... listen to the lyrics you so need to internalise them x

It does get better ❤️‍🩹 your heart may have a few scars, but it heals and will always work. X

FlowerArranger · 14/07/2021 06:47

@Summerdaysx - I haven't read the whole thread, only your posts. What struck me is that you have not really said anything positive about this man. Even when you were tiptoeing on eggshells around him and putting up with his neglect, he did absolutely nothing that could be described as caring or considerate.

What did he actually add to your life? Is there no part of yourself that feels relief that he is gone?

Can you switch off your phone and only turn it on when you actually need it for something other than texting him, and ONLY when you are feeling in control and strong enough not to text him?

Also, I hope you'll give your meds a chance. Sertraline can take a while to show efficacy, but the effect of the propranolol (which is a betablocker, i.e. calming your heart rate) should be more immediate. What dose are you on - maybe ask your GP if you can increase it at times when you are especially stressed?

But above all focus on the fact that EVENTUALLY you will be so much better without this useless man. Flowers

Littlepaws18 · 14/07/2021 06:50

Oh and I took sentraline. You have not given it long enough to work- the side effects in the first six weeks are horrendous (for me sleepiness and nausea) but one day you wake up and those effects are gone and those deep emotions are dulled.

Most anti depressants take this time, it's not instant and the first doctor you saw gave you sound advice, no point in starting on a new drug from scratch. Perseverance is key.

But can I say don't become dependent on them, they dull the symptoms they are not a cure. Do you want to live your life with dull emotions??

What helped me far more was counselling, took two years but wow it gave me skills that I can use in an entire lifetime. I can't guarantee heartbreak won't happen again but I can guarantee I will cope if it does.

FlowerArranger · 14/07/2021 06:55

I second PPs' suggestions of calling the Samaritans when you're extra stressed and listening to podcasts about coping with heartbreak.

I'd also suggest a couple of books you may find helpful: Women who love too much, and The six pillars of self esteem.

Finally: do you exercise at all? Exercise can be very effective in promoting positivity. There are lots of fitness gurus on YouTube, but if you're new to this, try Lucy Wyndham Read, whose workouts are fairly easy, and I find her gentle voice very encouraging.

happybythesea · 14/07/2021 07:38

So very sorry to hear you are going through this!!!

I've been there and in the beginning, every moment feels like your soul is being crushed. I promise you, you will come out the other side.

For the moment while it's hard my advice would be to read some good books. There are some truly amazing self-help books or podcasts that focus on you and your own happiness. At least you will be distracted from the situation for a moment. I also find a long walk listening to my favorite music helps. Right now it's all about distraction, the pain will slowly fade.

Once you get a little stronger make a list of what you want for yourself and DD. Focus on where you see yourself 1,3,5 years from now. Then research how to achieve these things.

Trust me your self-esteem and confidence will bounce back when you work on and love yourself.

Right now if he was to do or be with someone else, that would show his true character. Is that really the type of person you want to grow old with?
When I was in your position many years ago i thought about what i wanted for my child, if my child was in this position with a partner what would i advise them to do. If this is not something you would expect your child to go through, you should expect the same from yourself.

I worked on myself and became happy for me and sure enough the moment i reached my own personal eutopia my Ex came knocking at the door.

You have to go away and be the best version of you. When an ex see's you happy, progressing and no longer obsessing about them it hits their ego hard. Right now your fueling his ego as he feels he is in control of the situation. Please take back control.

I know it's hard and i am so sorry you're having to go through this.

FootieFever22 · 14/07/2021 07:43

I'm not actually sure that antidepressants that make you feel.even worse for a couple of weeks are a great idea in this situation.

You might feel better after a bit of time without feeling even worse and having anxiety due to medication now. I don't know.

Look.you want to tell him you're in pain probably because a. You think he might come back and that'll relieve the pain or b. He'll know you still feel.the same way and aren't getting over him/moving on/still care deeply etc.

But the fact is that, he's known you're in pain for a week or two and it didn't cause him to come back, and he knows how you feel and he hasn't come back
It won't change anything.

He'll come back if and when he feels like it, when it suits him.

Fwiw I think he thinks (correctly at this time) that he always always has the option of going back to you. That you will always take him back. No matter what. You are there as a permant fall back. So he has no urgency whatsoever in going back to you. And whether he does depends on other things that you gave no.control over (does he feel like staying single for quite a long time, does he have other people to fulfil his needs (home comforts, sex etc)., does he get into another "relationship" in which he gets challenged even less than in yours to act decently (that's perfectly possible given it would be a much more casual relationship without a child and without living with them).

Do you may think "how can he do this to me" - well, he sounds like a right *nt to begin with. And he sounds like his commitment level in relationships is very low. And also he thinks he can go back to you any time he feels like it in the future. He has no loss to process - because he believes that (correctly at time).

The thing is is this type of guy even truly bothered by loss of that type? He sounds v hard headed, selfish, laddy, disrespectful, and cavalier. You won't change that. He doesn't sound cut out for a real relationship or family life. He'll probably just flit between baby mamas.

It's very hard but if it helps you need to tell yourself that you're split, though it's not impossible you'll get back together in the future; but that wouldn't actually be a good thing for you even if you did. Allow yourself the out from thinking about the split and him. You have to limit it, you can't wallow or you'll go mad.

You need to fill you and your kids day with stuff and have plenty of things to focus on and distract you. Try new things - sports, hobbies, anything with the kids. Try things that force you to concentrate on them.tk.learj them and it will stop you thinking about it for those periods, it'll break the habit of repetitiive/compulsive thinking about it.

FootieFever22 · 14/07/2021 07:47

*allow yourself time-out

FootieFever22 · 14/07/2021 07:58

Also just to reiterate that for someone to walk put on their partner & family because they've been challenged on joining a heavy drinking and strip club crawling session at a time when their household is struggling for money (to me a decent man wouldn't be joining a strip club visiting session while in a steady relationship anyway, but that's another topic) .... His commitment level has to be very very low.
(He's obviously extremely unreasonable and selfish, but also he has pretty much no
commitment).

And he's walked out before.

It seems that in spite of you thinking things were good in the interim, his baseline had never changed. It always defaults back to almost no commitment. That's not s relationship, sorry. It can't be.

Why he's like that, is anyone's guess. He doesn't sound like a particularly good character.

But the bottom line is, he's not committed. You are just getting hurt and your kids are being destabilised by his behaviour.

FootieFever22 · 14/07/2021 08:06

You also sound like you've really got caught up in trying to win with this cavalier, laddy, commitment-less dickhead. Linked your while self esteem and happiness to it.

That's a good way to drive yourself insane and wreck your happiness. You won't change what he is. You set yourself up from the start to win something you can't win. You don't keep feral animals and then be surprised you keep getting bitten or they keep running off.

It's not you, it's him.

You can have a decent relationship with someone else eventually.

FootieFever22 · 14/07/2021 08:09

I also suspect this guy has cheated on you or something approaching it (?)

Smidgexxx · 14/07/2021 11:33

I promise you that you dont want to die. You want this sadness to leave and it will. It's very hard to see it. But it's not you. It's him. He is not going to go out and find his happily ever after and you will be left to rot. Do you know what? There are amazing men out there who would love to make you happy. You dont care about that right now. But one day your life will feel like your own again and youll meet someone and be so happy things changed.

You feel like you have lost control but it's only temporary.

I got punished in march for asking about another woman on my so called love of my life's Facebook page. He gave me the silent treatment for 7 weeks. I didn't understand how he suddenly didn't want me. In that time I spent a month miserable and three weeks lifting up. I found so much strength. When he returned for three weeks in may and June I could tell he was allover and things were not adding up. He had a new lady on his facebook that was very affectionate with him publicly. Could tell she liked him. So I messaged her to see how she met him. She was from tinder. Lived an hour away and whilst I was crying myself to sleep he was shagging her in his bed and falling asleep with her. No doubt cooking for her too. They only did 3-4 weekends and he made out he didn't want a relationship. He offered her friends with benefits.then slithered back to me to see how I was.

Some people are not worth the heartache.

What would you say to your daughter if she was 30 years old and sobbing at the table to you and it was her in your shoes?

You have got to find yourself again and it will be up and down. But you need to find it slowly. I did the most random things. Got a haircut. Got new earrings. Had takeaway on the sofa with the kids and watched silly films. Me and my friend went for walks and walked through the local industrial estate and just had a little giggle about all the lovely men in orange work scruffs lol. It lifted our spirits. It's all about finding thst happiness within and not letting him suck away your soul.

Don't presume you are the problem. Look at his behaviours. They are his problems that stem from himself. If some other woman gets with him he won't treat her at better.

You will get there. One day at a time. Keep your mind on other things. Whether that's s hobby or a good boxset. Invest in yourself everyday and realise you are precious jewel and he was bluddy lucky to have you. Don't ever doubt your own worth because his willy needs to feel desired (lol) we've all been here in some shape or form and we come out on top xx

bluebell34567 · 15/07/2021 00:19

op, i hope you are ok.

saw really good posts here.

when you find the strength can you search for or ask your gp about CBT. it may help you.

thinking of you. best wishes. Flowers

bluebell34567 · 15/07/2021 14:11

any update op?
i hope you are doing well.

Summerdaysx · 15/07/2021 14:29

Sorry everyone I am really really struggling. This feeling isn't getting any easier. The pain is so bad. I have no motivation. He is coming to visit dd today, I am dreading it so much. I can't stop thinking of him being with someone else, giving them all his attention while I'm not even in his mind. It's so hard and I would do anything right now to get this feeling away. I don't know how to pull myself together and stop feeling this sadness.

OP posts:
BackInBlackAgain · 15/07/2021 15:46

you will get through this, i know it hurts, i really do but you will get through it. One step at a time.

Hehx3 · 15/07/2021 16:23

You are doing well, try not to push out those feelings, unfortunately they will linger for a bit but will go eventually, promise (I have been there this year like you)Thanks

Summerdaysx · 15/07/2021 17:04

Complete mess when he came to visit dd. I am broken completely. My heart hurts so much. He doesn't care about me at all. I'm so broken and he doesn't care, showing absolutley no emotion

OP posts:
Tlollj · 15/07/2021 18:05

You’re not broken ffs.
He’s only a man. Buck up.

Summerdaysx · 15/07/2021 18:36

@Tlollj yes this is the part I can't understand myself. Why do I feel like this over a man? He spent under 2 hours with dd. And away now enjoying his life.

OP posts:
Funk2funky · 15/07/2021 19:26

I’ve been heartbroken like this but I made myself get off the floor and rebuild. I gave myself a week to wallow and then started to try to fix myself. I met a friend, I treated myself to things I liked. I still thought about him and talked about him all the time but I wasn’t such a wreck as I was initially.
Getting on with your life will surprise him and he’ll probably want you back , wallowing in misery when he comes round won’t. If he doesn’t come back you’ll still feel better for picking yourself up. Do you work ? Are there any distractions? Friends Or family ?
If it’s setting you back when he turns up can he meet your dd at your parents or can you arrange to meet a friend so you aren’t there?
Try to start taking steps to get better x

love15 · 15/07/2021 19:46

@Summerdaysx - I'm going through the exact same thing. I can't eat and I can't sleep - I don't know what to do x