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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't pay, heavily pregnant

284 replies

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:21

I've been with my partner 2 years and recently moved in, heavily pregnant now and still paying everything.

Tried and tried and tried. Today I tried some more and was called a cow, nasty, horrible woman even though I've paid everything until now (I do have family money) -have de camped to the spare room as BP sky high. I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like.

OP posts:
Melitza · 08/07/2021 23:39

Tell him on the advice of family you have invested all your money and will no longer be funding his lifestyle.
He'll be gone for good in a month.
He is using you and you know it.
Don't give him your money, you will need it yourself.

CJsGoldfish · 08/07/2021 23:52

Whatever made you decide to have a child with a useless twat who lived at home and spent all his money on rubbish? Did you think it would 'change' him?
Time to start putting your child first. She deserves more and if you continue to let him come back and treat you like this, just know that you will be shaping her in a way she does not deserve. YOU are the one responsible for modelling good and healthy relationships. You can put her first and do that or you can put yourself first and not.

Bythemillpond · 08/07/2021 23:54

hattmancockk

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this

Are you suggesting that you would rather pay him to be there and choose him over your dds well being?

You are already alone even if he was lying next to you in bed because he isn’t there for you. Also you will not be alone when your dd arrives.

Do you want her life to be that of shouting and nasty words because that is what you are going to give her. People have their children removed because they don’t want to be without their abusive partners because they don’t want to be alone. Is this the choice you are going to make.

You talk about protecting your unborn dd but then want to have her grow up with an abuser.

I think you need to decide what is more important.
What you want, what he wants or what your unborn dd needs.

EileenGC · 09/07/2021 00:00

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this

Yes you can. You have listed all the negatives of being with him. You have listed all the names he calls you, and all the unkind and selfish gestures he does while you’re heavily pregnant.

Go back, read it several times, and remind yourself why it’s better if he’s gone.

You can do this, you’re strong and you’re enough for your child. Ask for help, say yes when it’s offered, but don’t get back with him.

Your child needs a strong mother who puts them first and doesn’t allow anyone to disrespect her or her children. Be that mother - put your child first and teach them what respect and love is. You can only do this if he stays gone. Please keep him gone.

choli · 09/07/2021 00:10

OP by kicking him out you didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged an atomic bomb.

RickiTarr · 09/07/2021 00:13

@hattmancockk

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this
You know what you’re risking if you carry on like this? You could end up losing custody of the baby. The baby could end up psychologically scarred.

There are women who can’t leave arseholes like this because they are penniless.

Time to woman up.

Muddydoor · 09/07/2021 00:15

Really truly honestly, you are do much better without him. Find something that reminds you of how mean he was, so you don’t fold and take him back. I have a mug I bought for 20p that he was mean to me about. Looking at it reminds me how much happier I am now.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/07/2021 00:15

@hattmancockk

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this
I can pretty much guarantee that your life will be much easier without him.
rosalie11 · 09/07/2021 00:26

Listen to me

HE IS A BUM
A SPOUNGER
A WORTHLESS INDIVIDUAL WHO IS USING YOU

let him see his kid but with you and him in a relationship not in the picture

JeansShirtJeansJacket · 09/07/2021 00:30

Oh wow, get him out. Do it today.

Call a family member or close friend for support. If he refuses to leave, call the police.

LadyGAgain · 09/07/2021 00:37

Right. Call me harsh.
He's a fucking idiot and he won't be a "good daddy" or whatever stupid label you're giving him whilst you try and convince yourself that you should stay with him or give him another chance or whatever.
You need to get a grip on reality.
You're growing a human. That's your focus. So get a grip. This isn't about you and your dysfunctional relationship anymore. This is about that baby.

PrincessNutella · 09/07/2021 00:50

Oh my another cocklodger!!

galaxyfairy · 09/07/2021 01:06

@hattmancockk

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this
OP, gently, you're already on your own. He verbally abuses you and doesn't contribute financially. Do you really think he will help when the baby comes?

Well done for telling it how it is and getting him to leave. I totally understand the devastation but keep reading back your posts and imagine a friend was asking you for advice in the same situation. What would you tell them? You'd tell them to stay well away, right? Take your own advice, you can do this alone, you are really bloody strong. You've got this Flowers

MrsPsmalls · 09/07/2021 01:18

This is not what your baby needs. He will be a rubbish dad of course, just as he is a rubbish partner. Do you plan to be a rubbish mum or are you able to be better than that? You need to prioritise your child over this wanker. Get him out. No one cares if it's hard or that you 'love' him. Get him out now and step up for your child.

QueenBee52 · 09/07/2021 01:22

Is this a WINDUP 🤔

me4real · 09/07/2021 01:23

Your brain isn't made wrong, you're 'just' in a stressful situation, on top of managing a pregnancy.

Best wishes for the hosp or whatever you do tomorrow. Please keep us updated as to how you're doing. Xx

timeisnotaline · 09/07/2021 01:34

Thank goodness you’ve told him. Can you change the
locks? You can’t afford to be a soft touch for a waste of space guy when you have a baby to look after. His smoking won’t be good for you or baby either.

Redruby2020 · 09/07/2021 01:39

Hi, I have had that in my life, 8 years I lived with it, and two years of our DS's life, amongst many other things. Lived apart over more than a year now and been properly finished since end of last summer, and I still have money difficulties with my DS's father 🤦‍♀️
Your DP doesn't sound very nice calling you names etc, especially as you are pregnant!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2021 03:28

You are already on your own. He offers you zero support and maximum stress. Your heart rate is sky high and part of this will be because of the way he treats you. This is putting you and your baby at high risk.

He is the opposite of a good dad. He is an abuser.

Please do not put his name on the birth certificate. He may try to get access to spite you. Your child needs to be a million miles from him. He sounds like the sort of person, who punishes you and he will be the same with your child. He may even try to turn them against you just to spite you. If you spend enough time on these boards, you will realise this is a common theme amongst abusers.

If he’s a permitted occupier only, get his name removed from the contract. If he’s a joint tenant, make steps to remove him. The ll was only protecting themselves in case of fire in the property as legally all adults have to be declared. Sadly the upshot is you can’t get rid as easily.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2021 03:29

*oops blood pressure.

Marty13 · 09/07/2021 03:39

Hey OP. Having a baby on your own must seem overwhelming right now - but you can do it. And it'll be easier than having to baby a useless partner at the same time as your actual child.

I had two kids on my own - by choice. I go to bed every night feeling the bliss of being alone and safe in my home, to be able to do what I want when I want, to raise my kids how I think is right.

Dragging along a free loader who contributes nothing and expects me to wait on him would be a nightmare. Especially if he could threaten me with custody issues, etc.

Leaving now is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your baby.

WeMarchOn · 09/07/2021 04:03

@hattmancockk

I really do appreciate all the replies despite my emotional state.

I read them and see the logic but then push it aside pretending it's someone else, like an illness. My brain is not wired properly. I agree with the poster who said once the baby is here I won't want to mother him.

I'm going to go to the hospital tomorrow. My BP IS 170/120 and I'm high risk anyway.

So you're autistic? If so maybe contact NAS to see what support is out there
Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/07/2021 06:53

Well OP

  1. you have ample evidence that this man will NOT be a good dad.
  2. you will either leave him now - feel pain and take a while to grieve his loss and save money and time and energy.
  3. you will leave him in a few years time - feel pain and take a while to grieve his loss and the loss of years of your life, money, and energy. And feel added guilt that you've kept some awful man in the life of your dd who has become a blueprint for how she should be treated by men and then when she has shit relationships with men as an adult, part of you will wonder if, even just a little, she's attracting fucking losers because of her dad.

Just LTB. Seriously.

SingingInTheShithouse · 09/07/2021 08:03

He is as far as it gets from a good partner, WTF do you think he's going to be a "good daddy" Confused

You are worth so much more, do it waste your time with this looser, you have easy options financially that many in your situation don't have. This is an easy fix. Walk away & do not look back. You do not love him, you just don't love yourself enough to know you deserve better. RUN

Justcallmebebes · 09/07/2021 08:48

I'm sorry but you are being slightly deluded here. A man who sponges off a woman, abuses her verbally when pulled up on this and smokes and drinks heavily does not a good father make.

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