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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't pay, heavily pregnant

284 replies

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:21

I've been with my partner 2 years and recently moved in, heavily pregnant now and still paying everything.

Tried and tried and tried. Today I tried some more and was called a cow, nasty, horrible woman even though I've paid everything until now (I do have family money) -have de camped to the spare room as BP sky high. I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 09/07/2021 08:49

You should be delighted he's gone. Bet you will save money as you said you were giving it to him, he isn't worth it.

toocold54 · 09/07/2021 08:50

You can still be alone with some people. Just because he is there, does not mean he is there for you. Don't confuse the two things.

Absolutely this!
There is nothing worse than being with someone but still being alone.
Time to put your child first. You may find that once you stop playing his games and put your foot down that he’ll eventually come round and start acting right and he the partner and dad that you and the baby deserves.

MondayYogurt · 09/07/2021 10:31

Well done on getting him out of your space. Did he give you the keys back? If not you need to get new locks and inform the agents.

He has done this before - it is abuse. Please tell your midwife and someone in your family or friends. To get support you need to ask for it.

You're on the right path, keep going.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/07/2021 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Umberellatheweatha · 09/07/2021 10:38

**oops wrong thread, will report

Though funnily enough the advice sorta works xD

BeepBoopBop · 09/07/2021 10:57

Well you are mature enough to grow a baby inside you. Thinking you want this POS in your lives is insane. Do you really want your child to grow up thinking that having a lazy, disrespectful, useless piece of shit to cling on to through their lives is a good thing? Get some self respect back. You are an independent woman at the beginning of becoming an independent mother. Have some pride FFS.

  • Harsh I know, but I'm heartsick of decent women being delighted to have a wink from these fucking cockwombles.
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/07/2021 12:15

I have an inheritance and a small business that ticks over while I'm out of action. Plus a divorce settlement

Clearly he saw you as a nice rich plum, ready for the plucking
It'll also be why he keeps trying to reel you back in, but you might as well end it permanently while you have some security left ... because once that money's gone I guarantee he'll be off anyway

Wallywobbles · 09/07/2021 12:21

You know sometimes all you have is your self respect. And it's more important than anything else.

So ask yourself "Will I respect myself if I do this?"

If the answers no let that be your guide.

SVRT19674 · 09/07/2021 15:27

Wow. I am at a loss as to what makes you think he will be a good daddy. A free loader who insults the pregnant mother of his baby, who drinks heavily and smokes like a trooper...Prince charming.
But until you stop seeing him as how you would like him to be (good partner, perfect dad) and see him for what he is (total looser), I really fear for you and am really sorry for your baby.

Bollindger · 09/07/2021 15:55

If he smokes 2 packs a day that's £140 a week add in the drink and it's £200 a week, £800 a month, that he TREATS himself to .
Your cock lodger is using you, the baby is a classic control exercise.
He can try to guilt you, about the Darling baby needing both parents, one who will NEVER do anything except make work for the other. Do you really need two children.
Please, tell him he can't move back in, Change the locks. Tell him he can date you, and see if he even bothers.

layladomino · 09/07/2021 17:01

He isn't leaving you. You've told him you won't put up with his abysmal behaviour anymore.

What does he bring to the table that makes you so frightended of him not being there? You haven't said anything that makes me think he's a good partner, and everything you have said screams that he'll be a dreadful father.

He's tight, he's selfish, he thinks you should fund his lifestyle, he calls you names when you put any of this out to him. I think he saw you as a meal ticket - he could sponge off you and not have to work hard or worry about money again.

Do you honestly think he'll be a good father? Can you imagine him getting up in the night with a crying child? Getting up early every day with a toddler? Changing nappies? Being home every night to look after his DC? Giving up smoking because it's bad for the DC? Toning down the drinking so there's more money to spend on the DC? Telling you to go and put your feet up while he cooks tea after a hard day?

No I don't think so. He's treating you like his Mum, and that's going to wear very thin when you have an actual child depending on you.

You will miss nothing by having this man out of your life. In fact your life will be cheaper and easier to run. And as for your DD, her life will be SO MUCH BETTER without this awful role model for a father.

Stay strong. You've done the worst bit.

AnotherGo · 09/07/2021 17:37

I had a boyfriend who freeloaded for 5 years. The more I worked and the more I tried, the less he did. It was like the more responsible I tried to be the more like a teenage boy he became. And just like a teenage boy he would be abusive if I asked him to get a job or pay his way. He said he couldn't work because he was depressed, anxious blah blah

Anyway my point is that it's so hard to walk away from. I literally ran away one morning with just a bag of clothes. He always persuaded me to stay if I tried to leave. Imagine if someone could click their fingers and you'd never see him again or never have these worries...would you do it? You can't change him. You can only change your response to him. Good luck. I know its so hard.

Wizzbangfizz · 09/07/2021 18:32

Jesus Christ OP he saw you coming didn't he. Raise your bar woman and if you won't do it for yourself do it for you daughter!

choli · 09/07/2021 19:39

OP I am curious. How did you meet this prince among men?

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2021 22:23

@hattmancockk

I'm renting this house after a messy divorce and obviously pay the rent but his name is on the tenancy as the agency said any adult who lived here had to be named.

Apart from leaving him, I want to know how I can salvage things as I'm a complete soft touch and I want my little girl to have a Daddy

You can't salvage what isn't there.

He's a pig. You need to get aeay

RaginaFalangi · 09/07/2021 22:26

Get rid you and baby deserve better

StarsandStones · 10/07/2021 11:29

Please let us know how you are doing Flowers

RandomMess · 10/07/2021 17:28

You need to do the Freedom Programme and fast.

This isn't live it's co-dependency and utterly toxic.

lap90 · 10/07/2021 17:48

@QueenBee52

Is this a WINDUP 🤔
Don't think so.

You read about it all the time on here, the desperation of some women wanting a partner and kids that they will put up with trash men like this.

Another man who has it very good - moves into the OP's house, sponging off her divorce settlement and inheritance and is getting laid.

Original poster
hattmancockk · 11/07/2021 15:22

Thank you everyone. My BP has gone down. He is backwards and forwards just claiming I'm being nasty and horrible and in a bad mood so I'm having to dig my heels in but trying to rest and look after myself. I do feel like I am in hell so trying to concentrate on sorting everything out for the baby. I do already have a child who is 19. I'm a 41 year old woman for gods sake Blush

OP posts:
Stressybetty · 11/07/2021 15:55

Just throw his stuff outside for him and change the locks.

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/07/2021 16:30

Your 41? Has there been another thread about him when you were first pg?.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/07/2021 17:43

@hattmancockk

Thank you everyone. My BP has gone down. He is backwards and forwards just claiming I'm being nasty and horrible and in a bad mood so I'm having to dig my heels in but trying to rest and look after myself. I do feel like I am in hell so trying to concentrate on sorting everything out for the baby. I do already have a child who is 19. I'm a 41 year old woman for gods sake Blush
Confused
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 11/07/2021 18:33

Oh Sad you will be amazed at how your depression lifts when this guy is not sponging off you. A good Dad supports his child equally. If he wasn’t with you he’d have to pay maintenance as well as his own living costs. Why shouldn’t he contribute now? I know you want to salvage things but think about your precious baby girl - is this what you’d want for her in years to come?

di2004 · 11/07/2021 21:24

If you think it’s bad now then it will only get worse once baby is here.
What an horrible atmosphere to bring a baby into the world.
I just hope you can get support from family and friends and move on x