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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner won't pay, heavily pregnant

284 replies

hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 19:21

I've been with my partner 2 years and recently moved in, heavily pregnant now and still paying everything.

Tried and tried and tried. Today I tried some more and was called a cow, nasty, horrible woman even though I've paid everything until now (I do have family money) -have de camped to the spare room as BP sky high. I just want to protect my little baby now but am in complete turmoil as do love the man and he will be a good daddy. I don't know if I can do this on my own as I suffer depression, lingering from a breakdown 2 years ago.

I am not money orientated if that's what it seems like.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/07/2021 22:54

@hattmancockk

* I expect he will return once he thinks he has taught you a lesson and you are ready to beg him to continue abusing you. *

Please remind me of this. He has done this many times before and I've fallen for it

Am I right in thinking you already have a child OP? You need to focus on them and your baby to stop yourself taking him back. It would affect them both. And if you already have a child he's been taking resources - financial and emotional - from them already since you got together and he started freeloading.
CrotchetyQuaver · 08/07/2021 22:55

OMG, I hope you can see the patterns of his behaviour and realise he's not a good man but using you and your money .

Please look at counselling going forward to stop you being vulnerable to more of the same type of men in the future Thanks

YourWinter · 08/07/2021 22:58

He is NOT going to be a "good daddy", he is a revolting, rude and unkind waste of oxygen. And smoking and drinking instantly rules out any idea that he could be a good daddy, even if he were not rude and cruel.

It's too late to do anything about the fact that you're pregnant with his child, but it's not too late to do anything about the future. The best time to end this relationship was before you got pregnant. The next best time is now.

Lilyargin · 08/07/2021 23:01

Well done for telling it how it is. Sounds like he’s making you ill as well as everything else - the stress has made your blood pressure rise. You don’t want that in your life any more than you want to be sponged off, gaslit (you hid the bills?) and verbally abused.

CorianderBee · 08/07/2021 23:01

He only comes back when he's sure you'll give in OP. If he's not willing to change then you'll end up doing all the work raising your children, paying all the money for the whole family until eventually he's rinsed you completely and you don't have any money left.

Then, he will leave...

Bythemillpond · 08/07/2021 23:01

Please do not let him back in. Get him off the lease and concentrate on you and your pregnancy.

He has gone quite easily. If you let him back in when you really really want him gone because he is wrecking both yours and your Dds life he won’t be as easy to shift.

He is only gone because he wants to teach you a lesson and is wanting you to beg for him to come back. Then he will really start turning the screw on you because he will know you want him.

Make sure he never comes back and don’t put him on the birth certificate

Once your little girl makes an appearance he will be a distant memory and your life will revolve around her and the fun times you will have and not having someone call you horrible names will do wonders for your blood pressure and any depression.

TalkingOutYerArse · 08/07/2021 23:02

Well done OP. You will be a million times clearer in the head with only you and the baby to think about. You dont need a man in your life to be fulfilled and happy. Rest up and stay strong. Your baby needs you to be.

Patapouf · 08/07/2021 23:07

@MrsWooster

You say you want your girl to “have a daddy”. What you’re actually going to give her is a view of relationships that will colour her entire life and lead to her growing up and thinking that being treated like you is the norm.
Exactly!!
Ninibest · 08/07/2021 23:08

You will be better off on your own and your child will be more happy

Cranberrygin · 08/07/2021 23:10

Unbelievable- what a sponging freeloader! You don’t need to be called nasty names and bullied when pregnant. Or at any time. This treatment will only make your depression worse. You will cope better without this man in your life. Enjoy your baby and kick him out. As it sounds like he has no legal right to be there -he’s a ‘licensee’, which means you can get rid of him now. 3 days notice should be sufficient - he can move back with his parents.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/07/2021 23:13

He is not a good Daddy already. He stresses you out while carrying his baby. To test if he is a good Daddy, separate and claim child maintenance from him. I totally understand that being pregnant makes you feel vulnerable. However, your principle duty of care is to the baby and not the cocklodger freeloader who thinks you are the bank. Think about 20-30 years from now and you seeing your child with someone treating them like an ATM. How would you feel? Make a plan, leave and understand it is easier being a single parent to one baby, than two babies....one of whom is a grown up...

Bubbles1st · 08/07/2021 23:13

@hattmancockk

* I expect he will return once he thinks he has taught you a lesson and you are ready to beg him to continue abusing you. *

Please remind me of this. He has done this many times before and I've fallen for it

Screen shot this and save it as your phones home screen. Remind yourself all day everyday not to fall for any chance of reconciliation. This is the time to out you and your baby first.
Original poster
hattmancockk · 08/07/2021 23:23

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this

OP posts:
jellybe · 08/07/2021 23:25

Why can't you be on your own? He isn't leaving you, you are going to stand up for yourself and make him go.

Don't let him make you think you need him to get by.

Make a list of all the crap he does and the things he doesn't do so you can see it in black and white what a waste of space he is.

Coyoacan · 08/07/2021 23:28

The best thing I ever did was split up from my ex before my dd was born. Life was is much better with only one baby at a time, OP.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2021 23:31

I can't though I can't help it I can't be on my own I can't have him leave me like this

Yes you can help it. Slap yourself upside the head really hard and take a deep breath.

You can be on your own.

He absolutely can leave you and in fact he is doing you a favour.

Him leaving you is not the problem here.
The problem is that you believe a heavy drinking, abusive freeloader getting out of your life is a disaster.

Yes, you are almost due to give birth and you're feeling vulnerable.
No, you don't need him.
He is not there to support you.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Leave a message. They will get back to you.
You need counseling, You need support. You need someone irl to tell you that you are enough on your own, that you can make it, that your mission in life isn't to fix a damaged and incapable man, that actually your number one priority in life from now on is to protect your baby from this abusive waster.

Opalfeet · 08/07/2021 23:32

@hattmancockk. Nice name btw
It seems like you have a lot to lose in terms of inheritance etc and he does seem like a leach. You also sound quite clear in terms of you understand he is not good for you and you feel like you'll go back. Be strong! You can do it.

Graphista · 08/07/2021 23:33

Of course you can be on your own, millions do this.

You just have to believe it.

He is NOT good for you he is NOT good for your baby

You have a financial cushion, I am sure you have friends, you can access professional support where needed.

He is no good to you, to anyone.

You will do your child harm by allowing him back into your home

I am really hoping that while the above is blunt, it keeps you from taking this excuse of a man back

Opalfeet · 08/07/2021 23:33

Spot on post @mathanxiety

Flatflatflat · 08/07/2021 23:33

Be brave you can do this. An ex I had years ago made me believe that only he could fix my life but really he was the cause of all of my esteem issues. It was like a fog lifted a few months after I left him. You don't need a knight in shining armour you can save yourself best xx

Funnylittlefloozie · 08/07/2021 23:33

Youre already on your own, love - he doesn't have your back, he isn't your partner and he probably only really likes you for your money. I'm sorry, those are awful things to hear, but they're not as bad as continuing to live with a lazy, unkind, verbally abusive arsewipe of a man. You can do this alone.

Umberellatheweatha · 08/07/2021 23:34

You can still be alone with some people. Just because he is there, does not mean he is there for you. Don't confuse the two things.

He is selfish and cold. He is only there for himself. Better on your own and learning to love yourself than all alone with someone who hates you and wants you to hate yourself.

TalkingOutYerArse · 08/07/2021 23:36

@Funnylittlefloozie

Youre already on your own, love - he doesn't have your back, he isn't your partner and he probably only really likes you for your money. I'm sorry, those are awful things to hear, but they're not as bad as continuing to live with a lazy, unkind, verbally abusive arsewipe of a man. You can do this alone.
Exactly. OP, I say this gently and with good intentions but please, get a grip! Your baby needs you more than you need any man.
PersonaNonGarter · 08/07/2021 23:36

Put your child first.

You can do it - and it will be so much better.

thenewduchessofhastings · 08/07/2021 23:37

🚨 COCKLODGER ALERT 🚨

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