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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 07/07/2021 22:40

I can totally sympathize OP. Having the house to myself without DH is really important and if it never happened I would be completely miserable - even though he can work in his study with the door shut and I would not see him. It's alone time, privacy.
When I was pregnant with DS1 I had a phase where around 7-8 months where I could not bear DH in any proximity to me. He was in my space. It drove me absolutely mad and I was really miserable. It was hormonal though- do you think that is having any effect on you?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/07/2021 22:40

Why can't you leave him alone with the baby op?

Is he having time alone when he's not working? Why aren't you getting equal?

You have to talk to him before your relationship goes too far past recovery.

Tell him you need him to parent equally. Tell him you need alone too.

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 22:45

@Dishwashersaurous

But why can’t you do all the things with the baby that you did on that day you describe.

He’s working from home but you don’t have to be silent. Just crack on with what you want to do

It's not the same. I feel like I can't do all the same things at home when DH is WFH that I would usually do. I don't know why...
Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 22:45

I didn’t say I couldn’t leave him alone with the baby. At no point have I said that.

The problem is people are twisting things.

I do not really want a life where I am out of the house with the baby during the day Monday to Friday and DH is out of the house during the day with the baby Saturday and Sunday.

That is not a solution.

There isn’t a solution. When this started it was fine, it was a novelty, I didn’t have the baby so the need to be quiet wasn’t there. All was fine.

Now things are different.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 07/07/2021 22:46

And I guess that is the numb of the question.

Why do some people feel unable to do what they want to do in their own home just because their partner is working from home.

Dishwashersaurous · 07/07/2021 22:48

Get him noise cancelling headphones and then crack on and make as much noise as you like

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 22:48

@Dishwashersaurous

And I guess that is the numb of the question.

Why do some people feel unable to do what they want to do in their own home just because their partner is working from home.

I know I can't. I like watching crap on TV while doing housework, have the radio on loud, walk round covered in fake tan!
Octopuscake · 07/07/2021 22:50

do not really want a life where I am out of the house with the baby during the day Monday to Friday and DH is out of the house during the day with the baby Saturday and Sunday

That's extreme though isn't it? How about a life where DH is out on his own Monday and Tuesday evenings, you get that time at home with baby/doing bedtime, then he takes baby out every morning for an hour and you can potter about... then he takes baby out for a couple hours either Sat or Sun.. etc etc.

We do get it, many of us feel the same, but the only solution is to find small ways to make it a bit better.

Highfive2021 · 07/07/2021 22:50

My sympathy OP.

Sounds like something needs to change, what does your husband say when you tell him you’re not happy with the set up?

Would it be possible to move so he can work in a separate room?

Can he go and work from a friend/family member’s house some days?

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 22:50

It is possibly impossible to explain to those who either aren’t in this situation or perhaps have a different sort of personality.

The fart thing was a joke but it is that sort of thing I am talking about. DD woke me very early this morning and for some reason when I get woken early I do sometimes get a bit of a dodgy belly. I am not normally this disgusting I promise. I did trump a few times not on purpose and they did smell pretty bad. DH wfh and going on about it (he thought dd had filled her nappy) embarrassing for me and it is that life, where you can’t even fart without comment. Order something from Amazon or eBay and ‘what’s this?’ Takes the washing out of the tumble dryer when it’s still wet so now it stinks and needs washing again. LOUD calls all the time.

Yes I’m grouchy. I get that. I hear how horrible and grouchy I sound, and I hate it. But that’s a reflection of how fed up I am.

OP posts:
Palavah · 07/07/2021 22:51

Ok, so you're totally reasonable to want him out of the house. What's going to make that happen? Can he borrow or rent a room? Ask to work in the office?

Comedycook · 07/07/2021 22:52

Well I must be the same as you because I only truly relax when he's not here and it's nothing that he does. I cannot explain it

AlfiesMama85 · 07/07/2021 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 22:52

I have said a few times now I am not looking for solutions here, I know there are not any. This will only be resolved by me going back to work and that makes me incredibly sad that I will never get to just enjoy being at home alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 22:53

Would you like some help with your reading comprehension there alfies because if you click on ‘show OPs posts’ you can see how ive said a few times I don’t think this is a problem with a solution. And now I’ve said it again. Just for you. Hmm

OP posts:
Palavah · 07/07/2021 22:53

I have said a few times now I am not looking for solutions here, I know there are not any.

Jesus wept.

Highfive2021 · 07/07/2021 22:53

There are solutions.

Dishwashersaurous · 07/07/2021 22:54

Right. He needs to work behind a closed door. By hook or by any other means put him behind a door. He is working. He should not be having idle chat with you.

You can have lunch together and then he goes back to the closed room. Even if that is the bedroom.

He can’t expect to work in a communal space

Thehop · 07/07/2021 22:55

I’m sorry you’re having a shit time Op. it sounds suffocating.

Freckers · 07/07/2021 22:55

@whitemirrors

It really isn’t a workload thing. Nor do I particularly want to send DH out on weekends. I want to enjoy my babies. I just don’t always want to be out of the home I used to love. That’s all. That is really all that it is.
YABVU then.
Dishwashersaurous · 07/07/2021 22:56

But there are solutions. Lots of people can see that you are upset and are trying to help you.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 07/07/2021 22:56

No need for attitude with others and snarky comments is there Hmm

Dishwashersaurous · 07/07/2021 22:57

It’s ok to be upset that mat leave wasn’t what you imagined. That’s been the case for thousands of people over the last couple of years

Highfive2021 · 07/07/2021 23:02

This is the opposite of a normal thread where the OP is snarky and the comments are nice 🙈

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:03

Jesus would have fucking wept if his spouse had WFH, I think.

There are no solutions that are remotely practical. Has it not occurred to any of you that perhaps I know my husbands work a bit better than you do, and that it does not lend itself to renting a desk, working in a cafe or even a bedroom.

I am sorry it that sounds arsey but it is extremely frustrating being told over and over that you are wrong when you are not.

DH work has always involved some WFH. That is fine. However it is the relentlessness of it that it making me so very unhappy.

I am not wanting him to leave the house at weekends or evenings particularly. Just a life where I can relax and enjoy my babies in my home. And it won’t happen and that does make me really sad.

OP posts: