To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

I get you whitemirrors and you've got ALL my sympathy and support ! We are lucky to have a fairly big house, he's got his study and I can do my stuff downstairs but he's still here. All the time.

Also now he's not going to the office he gets his hair cut less regularly (even when barbers were/are open), doesn't shave for days, wears same lounge wear stuff until I take it to be washed... I really miss seeing him looking smart and smelling good.

I know I sound horrible.

I love him and would never leave but I need a break.

Has he always worked at home? Is his long term plan to work from a communal area? Is there literally no other place in the house he can work from?

Can he take the baby out one day at the weekend while you chill at home?
We have three kids, one toddler and two school age. Neither of us have been to the office since last Feb. I am currently working part time, DH full time. We each take all three kids out alone for a few hours at least once a week so the other can chill at home. It’s still shit, but that makes it a bit less shit.

My dh works from home and I don’t see him all day. He’s shut in a room working. I might sneak him in a cuppa and some lunch but I don’t see him until he finishes work

You sound unhappy and angry. Your replies on here are quite aggressive.
I'm not sure what lifestyle he's impinging on. What did you expect maternity leave to look like? Your posts are full of grumping about him but nothing about what you'd be doing differently if he wasn't there, and no acknowledgment that his WFH is helping to fund your family's lifestyle.

Would your DH not start a hobby or even better a routine catch up with his parents or a friend where he takes the baby with him

Op you are clearly frustrated. Is there any advice that you would find helpful?

I completely understand where you are coming from. My DH works from home permanently because he always has as he is self employed. I have a full time job outside of my home and continued to go into work during the pandemic because I would have killed him if we had to spend all our time together. My DH always wants to have a plan at weekends and to go out a lot. But I have chores I need to go and lots of garden jobs. He does not do any house or garden chores. Also I never get any alone time in my own house! This is not due to the pandemic. This is my life.

What did you expect maternity leave to look like

She probably thought he'd be at work and she could just chill with her kids in peace

I’m certainly not feeling better for responses like that thisplace

dishwasher difficult one. Oh wait. Every. Single. Day.

To be honest no I wouldn’t feel better with a designated office.

I realise my feelings may be wholly UR but they are my feelings. The sad thing is I love this man but I am just too close to him to feel anything right now. I don’t want sex with him as it’s close physical contact. I don’t want to hug or kiss him. I just want space.

Geez why are some people being so harsh. OP probably needs an outlet and was looking for a some support.
OP I get it, it's bloody frustrating. It's actually really stressful when you can't be alone.
My husband has always worked from home, sometimes the poor guy breathes and I want to stab him.
I have no suggestions just know you're not alone.

yeah I don't get it. When is he chilling at home and why don't you ask him to take the baby out during those times? If the baby's up at 7 he could go out to a cafe for an hour before his work starts, give baby breakfast out and let you start the day with a lovely solo bath.

Can you get him to take the kids out on Saturday so that you can be by yourself?

The husband is wfh.

OP is on mat leave and under pressure to be out all day to facilitate his wfh.

Of course she is going mad from that.
What the hell is so difficult to understand.

Then at the weekend he wants to be out and about so again she is out of the house.

It sounds like absolute hell and you are not alone.

This is a very hard time for families whose employers have just assumed they can take over homes indefinitely.

I think they are major CF's.

I am so sorry for you.

Being able to lounge about in your pj's during mat leave with the baby is probably the best bit.

Being forced to leave the home every day must be so stressful.

You need to tell him he needs to take the children out of the house at the weekend on both days for a couple of hours to give you some mental health time to decompress from your week.

It will be cheaper than divorce.

glass some of my replies are aggressive because some responses are unpleasant and I’m not meekly accepting it. I don’t see why I should tbh. If someone wants to be an arse they have to expect it back.

I’m not looking for solutions.

what did you think maternity leave would look like

Here’s one day I’ve had. The only day he’s been out in over a year.

I got a load of toys out and let DD explore them in the lounge chatting to her in an excited high pitched voice and letting her squeak and squeal back. I put some nursery rhymes on Alexa and danced round with DD in my arms in my pyjamas. I don’t tend to count my omissions but if I needed to fart I did so.

I had a shower. I came out of the shower in a towel and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

While DD napped I watched Netflix.

We went to a baby group and out for a walk and came back and played with the toys again. Did some sensory play. Drew the curtains and put the light machine on and ‘discussed’ the colours and the movement.

Then DH came home. It was lovely to see him.

I honestly don’t get it. If he wants to be out at the weekends why can’t you have time alone in the house then?
My dh has always buggered off with our dc in a Saturday morning and breakfast and tv alone is pure bliss.

@whitemirrors

He can hardly be happy either

What makes you say that?

He gets up at 815 for an 830 start, he gets all the time in the world to chill at home alone.

Ah so I think we're getting closer to the crux of it op. When DH worked from home, he was up with the babies in the morning and he was on til he started work. He made us lunch. He finished at 5 and was in Dad duty. If the babies were asleep at school run time, I left them with him. Basically he made my life easier.

You need to talk about equalising your workload now. He doesn't get to lie in bed whilst you're up for 2 hours wrestling several children. Or expect you to be his tea maid. You have to share the house not you be locked silently in one room with the kids. He has to step up and parent ewually

Given you wouldn't even be content if he was away in a study, I think YABU - he surely has the right to enjoy his home also, and as long as he's not acting in a way that's getting under your feet, then I don't see why he should leave the house every weekday so you can enjoy home time (that he can't have). Sorry, but I think if you need alone time, you need to talk to him and work out something which works for both of you.

I really sympathise with you. I do work and have kids at school but I used to have enough time home alone to recharge.

It’s all gone tits up really for me. It’s kind of given me a glimpse of what the future might be like once the kids leave home and it leaves me feeling panic stricken and tbh I’m really not sure of the future of my marriage.

The normal business of life has meant I could ignore lots of things but they’ve all been brought into sharp focus during the pandemic.

And now just the icing on the cake is we are all having to self isolate for 10 days. No work me, no school and DH working from home. It’s excruciating.

I don’t have any suggestions but having a frank and open conversation with him about how you’re feeling and hope that your DH listens (mine doesn’t, always turns it back to himself).

Is he doing his fair share at home of chores and child care? If not he should be. Hope you feel better.

Get your DH a bike and a trailer for the baby. Send them out for the day at the weekend.

Do whatever you want alone.

With any luck he'll love it and want to do it every weekend!

I really do feel for you. My DH and I share the dining table as work space every day.

I'm an introvert and need time alone to recharge.

Talk to your DH ask/tell him you need time alone.

Good luck and please be kind to yourself.

It really isn’t a workload thing. Nor do I particularly want to send DH out on weekends. I want to enjoy my babies. I just don’t always want to be out of the home I used to love. That’s all. That is really all that it is.

Have you told him that you feel suffocated, some people need some breathing space, maybe he'll agree to go out more. Worst case you're gonna have to vent the stress somehow or you'll end up resenting him.

@whitemirrors

It really isn’t a workload thing. Nor do I particularly want to send DH out on weekends. I want to enjoy my babies. I just don’t always want to be out of the home I used to love. That’s all. That is really all that it is.

Same. Going out isn't the same. You just want to chill without feeling anyone is watching you...even if they're not, if you see what I mean

Rent an office space. He can just rent a desk. There are loads about, quite affordable. Worth it.

But why can’t you do all the things with the baby that you did on that day you describe.

He’s working from home but you don’t have to be silent. Just crack on with what you want to do