To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

Even if there is nothing practical that can be done, in a healthy relationship you'd be talking to a partner about how you feel. If he can't 'fix' it, he can sympathise and support. It's not healthy for her to be this frustrated and for him to not know, or if he has picked up on it, for him to know something is bothering her but not what it is

Perhaps if the situation is genuinely not improvable OP's DH could possibly take a couple of days annual leave to allow OP's friends to visit before mat leave is over?

@deplorabelle

Perhaps if the situation is genuinely not improvable OP's DH could possibly take a couple of days annual leave to allow OP's friends to visit before mat leave is over?

Good idea OP will have a (secret) reason it won't work. Plus this would involve actually communicating with her DP.

Plus surely her friends can visit at weekends?

@girl71. I think this is very possibly the case -I alluded to this in an earlier post when I said being at home together all the time is all fine when there is no marital stress/ both are still loved up/ you enjoy lots of time with your partner—- not every marriage is like this and hence even if there is any tension or falling out of love , then being around someone 24/7 becomes purgatory— whereas it’s far more manageable if normally you get time /space on your own and see the spouse/partner for shorter spells — no amount of space/ garden offices etc will work if the relationship has other issues - it becomes the focal point but actually is a red herring

She says there isn't. There is nowhere out of the home he can go and there is nowhere inside the home he can go that will give her the space she needs.

I strongly suspect that is the perspective of depression.

It must be something like depression, because of her reluctance to do small things that improve it a bit. Like telling DH and the baby to go out for 3 hours on Saturday.

I'm wondering OP if you have been unlucky enough that Covid came along just when you were making the difficult transition to being a mother, and it sort of masked the big change that having a baby brings? This feeling that you need unlimited autonomous time where nobody knows what you're doing and you're not under someone else's eye - that is a pre-children feeling in my experience. I wonder if some of the lack of freedom feelings of having the baby has got rolled up into the general frustration with DH and working from home.

@mathanxiety

She says there isn't. There is nowhere out of the home he can go and there is nowhere inside the home he can go that will give her the space she needs.

I strongly suspect that is the perspective of depression.

Nope.

Same issue here and I’m not depressed. Not everyone has spare space for an office at home.

Plus as many other posters have highlighted, it’s not. the same to be in your home alone. And in your home with someone working in a room near by

Plus @Octopuscake, a break of 3 hours isn’t going to replace the other 5 full days where the OP cannot just sing along, put the radio on and generally not give a monkey about not making noise/not disturbing her DH whilst he works.

Her description of where she lives makes me think of a one maybe two bedroom flat. Try and live there full time with a young baby AND having the flat used as an office. I’m sure you would be stir crazy too.

I don't understand why people don't get this.

I have no issues in my marriage at all really. I've been married for many years, my DH is great and I like spending time with him. I do need time on my own in my house though, and when covid hit I didn't get this alone time. Some people just need complete solitude sometimes, just because it's the way they are and the way their brain is wired.

Did I mention my frustration at the lack of solitude to my DH? No I didn't. Not because I secretly hate him, because he is abusive, I am depressed, need counselling, am scared of him or denying my own feelings, scared to speak up or any of the other bizarre reasons stated on this thread.

I didn't mention it because there was fuck all he could do about it and I didn't want the way I feel to hurt his feelings and make him think that he was unwelcome in his own home. His hobbies were all cancelled and office closed anyway.

To those saying the OP can have friends over when her DH is there - it's not the same, having a gossip with friends when someone else is in the house, even if you know they aren't actively listening. Getting alone time by walking around the streets or going to a coffee shop isn't the same either.

I used to do yoga and mindfulness when I had my day off pre covid, but couldn't do it on Zoom when my DH was home all the time because I couldn't relax properly with someone else pottering around in the background. DH is considerate and stayed out of the way but it's not the same as being on your own. It really isn't, and I am lucky that I have a big detached house with study and garden. I just like to sometimes know that I am completely on my own with no other adults around. I need it for my mental health.

There really is no solution to the OP's issue apart from life returning to how it was pre covid, and even then she can hardly go back in time and get her maternity leave back.

There is a solution that I don’t think has been mentioned although I haven’t read every post; she could have a conversation with her DH and ask him about the possibility of him changing job. If his current company are forcing WFH he could look for something either hybrid or office based.

The OP has long left the thread.

@IllForTooLong, are you showing unusual levels of anger, sarcasm, and snark toward strangers online, are you talking about grief over loss of a longed for mat leave, unable to feel that any improvement in the situation is possible, not even the slightest improvement, feeling stifled and unable to communicate your misery to your nice, decent H because expressing your needs would blow up the relationship? The OP is not getting sleep and is the mother of a baby under age 1. PND is a possibility, as is non-baby-related depression, and the inability to talk to her H warrants therapy to unearth and address the reasons.

It is ok to seek help for depression!
Many people have been badly affected by the pandemic.

The problem is math, you caught me at a low moment when I was fed up and low and have diagnosed me with depression on the basis of that.

Incidentally, given that therapy would probably be online, I wouldn’t get to do that in peace either and I do think when someone has repeatedly said they have no interest in pursuing it, it might be good to stop suggesting it.

I would like to thank the poster who got it, I simply don’t want to inform dh that his presence is annoying me. And as to why I don’t tell him to leave the house with the baby for three hours at the weekend, because I am rather fond of my baby, funnily enough.

I really am also fed up with the endless ‘you are so rude’ posts. I think it’s bloody rude to not read a thread and then get the arse because you haven’t presented the magic solution. Your issues and problems, not mine.

It’s interesting that you don’t recognise when you’re being rude OP. And won’t take any responsibility for it - blaming everyone else. It’s posters’ fault for not giving you the right answers.

Contrary to what you claim, this is all very much your problem and not ours.

It’s difficult to tell whether you are inherently stroppy or whether it’s borne of frustration and resentment at your situation which you can’t, or rather choose not to, share with DH. It would be so much more fruitful to channel this anger into productive discussions with DH about your situation rather than attacking randoms online. You can use that anger to find a voice.

No tatiana you are the ones who have spent three pages and three days discussing it.

It is your problem.

Nothing about your life, personality, issues is our problem OP. Many posters have offered support, but no-one here knows you so no-one actually cares one way or another how you choose to live your life including online.

The thing is whitemirrors this is a discussion forum . I have been here for 18 years and one thing I have learnt is that if you post on a discussion forum then people will discuss and suggest and try to help, partly because that is human nature.

I completely get much of what you say, I am also really struggling with the lack of ‘space’ , privacy and just my need to be alone and do my own thing without constantly feeling that someone is about to appear . I get it I really do and I would have been the same . However as an ‘old stager’ and a veteran of 3 babies now young adults, as has math (who by the way has also been years and been a mine of information and support on many threads) who has four, I do think there are some real red flags for PND in your posts and it would be irresponsible on a parenting forum not to encourage the poster to at least reflect on the possibility. It comes from a place of compassion.

Also I would just say as a veteran of both PND and counselling neither are things to be ashamed of. You seem to see them as a weakness when in fact the ability to reflect is a strength, and frankly PND is as common as having thrush in the first year post partum, it’s just one of those things that comes with motherhood along with varicose veins, sleepless nights and constant worry.

The OP hasn't been anywhere near as rude as a lot of posters on this thread. Also there have been a lot of posters making nasty and sarcastic comments and bitching amongst themselves. This thread is in relationships now, not AIBU.

Strange that a thread about the OP's DH not realising that his presence isn't welcome all the time and is stressful to the OP has attracted so many posters with the same mindset.

@whitemirrors just to be clear I didn’t mean you had to sit at home alone without your baby if you don’t want to do that...

More that if your DH took the other children out (I’m not sure how many there are or whether it is just the baby) or goes out by himself, it being just you and your baby at home even for a few hours weekly would be some respite, at least.

Also the fact that he wants to go out every weekend doesn’t mean you have to as well. You really should be able to say, ‘I don’t fancy going out this week. I’m going to chill at home, but you go ahead’ and he should be able to handle that.

But I think we’ve talked about this for too long now and if none of it has been useful for you then it’s pointless to continue. Hopefully the venting has helped a little for now.

Thanks sue

I had a moment on Wednesday of to be honest self pity.

I do get a bit fed up with DH at home all the time. It’s not a reflection on him, our living space or relationship. I’m in my 40s, I was single for ages before I met him, he used to work away a lot, what can I say, I was used to be able to watch My 600lb Life in peace.

Life has changed very rapidly for me with having a baby and lockdown and now it’s going to change again with back to work. I was disturbed several times that night and i had a self pitying moment where I felt I never got space or time and that DH was annoying me and I wanted more privacy.

It would still be nice.

What I haven’t spoken about is the many wonderful things about my life.

I haven’t spoken about the fact that DHs presence in the house has encouraged me to get out and about, losing weight and getting fit through walking.

I haven’t spoken about the fact that it’s made me join baby classes and groups - good for baby as well as me. I have made lots of new friends. As someone happy in their own company I probably wouldn’t have.

I haven’t spoken about the fact that he is fundamentally a thoroughly decent man and the insistence that I make him feel uncomfortable in his own home is a bit tiresome.

You’ve taken a moment and extrapolated it and decided it’s my life. It’s not.

I get you OP. I get what you are trying to say 500%.

My beloved started working from home 23 years ago. Since then I have literally never had the house to myself. I work part time and I make sure that I am at work around 7.30 for a 9 am start because that is the only alone time I get. I have to physically remove myself from my own home to get a bit of mental, physical and emotional space.

Does not mean I don’t like or love him, or that I haven’t discussed it with him. But boy, I am sick of it.

I was used to be able to watch My 600lb Life in peace

. Omg, same!

I've very much enjoyed your input on this thread, OP. I think you're very witty, and you write very well, and I feel you've been very hard done by: by your husband; by his work; and by a lot of deeply unpleasant Mumsnetters.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

I've very much enjoyed your input on this thread, OP. I think you're very witty, and you write very well, and I feel you've been very hard done by: by your husband; by his work; and by a lot of deeply unpleasant Mumsnetters.

Agreed!

I've really enjoyed the OP's posts. I admire the fact that she hasn't backed down. I thought she held her own when she was being told that her husband was unlucky to have married her ('your poor husband'), that she had depression, that her marriage was terrible, that she was aggressive and unpleasant etc etc

Some of the posts on here are really disheartening. Posters (#notallposters) are giving the OP a kicking for not taking insinuations about her marriage/ aggressive personality and/or mental health with graciousness and gratitude. Come on. We're allowed to disagree on an internet forum but we can't blame the OP for not liking our pearls of wisdom. Especially if our posts are judgemental at best and bullying at worst.

Anyway! That's my unwanted two cents! I'll get me coat...

I enjoyed your posts too OP and how you responded to posters who withered on advising you while not taking on board the facts you had already given. I was wincing myself at some of the replies.
Loved you line: 'Jesus would have wept too if his partner was at home all the time.