To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

I’m not trying to snap. Tone can be hard to convey. No he can’t work in a cafe.

It is all well and good saying ‘get a job’ but really all that this means is that I am out of the house as much as possible.

And to be honest that is not what I want from my life. I want a life where I can enjoy being in my home.

Oh OP! I feel your pain! I’ve really had a few Ugh! He’s doing that thing again… breathing! moments of despair.

So what exactly do you want?

Possibly just a bloody decent moan. It’s not always about solutions… just venting can be cathartic.
OP

I also get mightily pissed off at the mess he will leave behind just after I've cleaned somewhere. Will be much easier to just clean up after myself and DC when he (hopefully) gets back to the office!

@whitemirrors
Wasn't clear from your op. Does he want to be out all day on wekeends or does he want you to be out?

That's suffocating though. I really feel for you. I find it hard with teen dc being home for too long, I'm sure it's worse with a dh stuck at home all day.

Nothing is forever. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Good things don’t last and bad things don’t last.

He can hardly be happy either. Could he bring a child out at the weekend and leave you at home?

It’s just that it’s going in so long that it feels like you will be stuck like this forever but you are not. Do not lose hope.

Talk to him tomorrow, tell him you need a break and see what he says. He might be equally unhappy.

How have you looked after yourself lately? Write out a list of 10 things you enjoy doing and try to aim to do one every day, small things that make you happy. If you can’t think of any, then you have been really neglecting yourself.

I hope things brighten up for you soon.

I have the opposite problem with the mess. I just want to be able to make a mess and then have it cleared up by close of day. As it is I feel I can’t do that.

He can hardly be happy either

What makes you say that?

He gets up at 815 for an 830 start, he gets all the time in the world to chill at home alone.

No I don't think you're unreasonable to be reconsidering your relationship if your husbands presence upsets you so much. You sound incredibly frustrated in your responses. I don't think its something that can just be attributed to the pandemic, sounds like there's serious issues with compatibility and communication. Does he have any idea how you feel?

My husband also works from home currently and I'm off work on paid pregnancy leave due to a high risk job. I'm so thankful that he is home with me and we are both loving all the extra time together.

I’m lost now. Are you all in the house together every day?

He gets up at 815 for an 830 start, he gets all the time in the world to chill at home alone

I'm guessing you don't work and you have the classic misconception that working from home is the same as 'chilling at home'.

What made you lost 3?

I’ve made it clear I am not considering seriously ending the relationship but seven months into my maternity leave and I NEED TIME ALONE!

Is he working in the living area all day, so you’re having to tiptoe around? That’s not sustainable long term and certainly not with a newborn.

He needs to find an alternative solution, can you clear some space in a room where you can close the door on him, even if it means a compromise somewhere else?

Why can't he rent a desk somewhere a few times a week? Lots of co-working space about. Talk to him about how you're feeling. I'm sure there's a solution.

But he’s working. He’s not chilling.

If he’s going to wfh forever then could you move home so that you have more space. An office in the loft etc

Yes I am a lazy twat who lounges in bed until at least 7am on a good day.

I know he is working. I was responding to the poster who believes he must be unhappy at the situation. He isn’t.

He gets a fair amount of chill time in the house alone dishwasher

Is this making you feel better OP or are you just getting more wound up?

And why can’t you make a mess/ chill at home?

He’s working. You shouldn’t be having anything to do with him during the day- he’s working

When does he get alone time?

If he does then swop send him out with the kids and chill yourself

I lost it this week and told Ketchup Man he had to find a solution that didn't involve our home becoming an extension of his workplace which meant he can't ever relax here nor can I enjoy my home. He was adamant there were no other solutions but after seeing the impact that it's having on the family then lo and behold he's looking at options.

PS. people are trying to be helpful OP and I understand your frustrations

Your frustration is definitely coming through and I’m sorry it’s so difficult for you right now.

Would you feel any better if he did have a designated office in your home that he could go in and shut the door and work and it was segregated from the rest of the house? Is it just him always being in the house or his work being all over the house?

Also, people may be asking about you going back from maternity not because work is a “break” but because then the situation might feel more normal. Your husband would then be no different than any other stay at home parent, in terms of how much he’s in the house, and you would see him on evenings and weekends like normal working couples do. Being on maternity during a pandemic with a WFH husband could leave you more than a bit crowded; it’s like you’re never without your baby OR your husband.

Also, I think people are a bit confused because you said he’s in the house all week so wants to be out of the house all weekend. So can you maybe be home alone during the weekend?

OP, I’ve been working from home full time since the start of the first lockdown so I can completely sympathise with your DH as as much as it sounds amazing waking up and rolling into work and then finishing up and being home, it’s depressing as hell just being cooped up all day and night in the same place I’m like a caged animal dying to get out whenever I can!

But I also sympathise with you, my DH works shifts and constant overtime so when he’s off he often likes to relax at home while I’m dying to be out, we just try to compromise and see it from each others point of view. He initially thought working from home was just ‘off’ and didn’t understand why I found it depressing and likewise I didn’t understand why I found him lucky to be able to leave the house to go to work. It’s just hard either way and i think it’s just the hard times at the minute hopefully as things start normalising he will potentially get to be back at work even for a couple of days a month (I know not a lot but it’s a start)

@Dishwashersaurous Ketchup Man works incredibly hard and is happy with the situation but that doesn't mean we don't cross paths and irritate each other for a good chunk of the day

I'm with the PP who suggests he might be equally unhappy. There's no way with your strength of feeling that he can't feel your resentment every single day.

I completely get it. My husband rarely leaves the house.

I need time alone. Properly alone, in my own home. Not locked in another room knowing someone could just walk in, really empty home with just me. That's how I recharge. Between the 24/7 company of my family (who I really do love), the pressures of the last year including at home learning with 2 children whilst trying to keep my job and all the personal crap happening to my wider family I'm breaking apart piece by piece. The only real solution would be a nice big 5 bedroom place with a garden and a lockable room for me. Sadly short a lottery win that's not happening so I'm trying to endure.

Sometimes that's what we need to do. Nothing is forever. Jobs change, affections change, families change. If it's not broken you can ride it out. I love my husband enough that I'm doing my best to ride this out. It's not his fault WFH is required for the forseeable for both of us. It's not my fault that as a natural introvert I recharge alone. So I endure.

Only you know if this is something you can endure