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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:04

Some comments are nice.

I would probably argue that Jesus wept isn’t nice or supportive and nor is it intended to be.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 07/07/2021 23:05

Well if you say to your husband either he finds a solution- you could move house- or the marriage is over then probably a solution will emerge

Highfive2021 · 07/07/2021 23:06

So what does he do then? If he hasn’t got his own office at home it can’t be that he has a lot of equipment?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 07/07/2021 23:06

I get you OP. I do think some commentors greatly exagerate their own intelligence. I'm sure if the solution was as simple as him getting a fold out desk for the bedroom you would have bloody done it by now.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:08

dish but as I’ve made clear I don’t wish to end my marriage.

The conversations would be ‘but why can’t you wear your pyjamas and sing nursery rhymes to DD when I’m working’

He doesn’t get it. Neither do some people here (again meant nicely and not arsily) but how I feel is just that.

Not important highfive

imnot well indeed Grin

OP posts:
Palavah · 07/07/2021 23:08

@whitemirrors

Some comments are nice.

I would probably argue that Jesus wept isn’t nice or supportive and nor is it intended to be.

It's an expression of frustration because you keep insisting there are no solutions despite multiple posters suggesting them. I was supportive upthread, didn't seem to make much difference!
TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 23:09

You're being very aggressive, OP. You're saying you want time to yourself in the house, and people are suggesting perfectly practical ways to achieve this. Then you respond by saying there are no solutions.

Is your husband interested in listening to how you feel, and accommodating your feelings, generally? It sounds like there might be a bigger picture here where you're pent up because your needs aren't being met. Do you usually tell him how you feel? If so, how does he respond?

m0therofdragons · 07/07/2021 23:10

If Dh had wfh when I was on Mat leave I would have gone nuts. I totally hear you! I love him but that would have been suffocating. My Dh currently wfh but I work in a hospital and I’m so glad I’ve not been with him day in day out. He has also wanted to go out every weekend which is exhausting. His sports hobby is back on so the pressure is less as Sunday is match day and my chill day.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/07/2021 23:10

OP I feel your pain. DP is WFH but slowly (too slowly) going back to the office for a few hours here and there, I went part time this year and fully expected to have some time at home where I had space to myself which is what I needed, well nope, DP is here.

He has a study so we aren’t falling over each other but it isn’t the same as having the house to myself.

People are not meant to spend this amount of time with their partner. It isn’t healthy or normal.

I don’t have a solution, OP but I don’t think YABU and I feel your pain.

Highfive2021 · 07/07/2021 23:11

It’s important to you.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with ‘he doesn’t get it’

There are no solutions because he is not willing to change his behaviour, you feel like his needs trump yours and the kids?

m0therofdragons · 07/07/2021 23:11

I say chill day but I have 3dc so I use that loosely

PinkiOcelot · 07/07/2021 23:12

You’re rude!

RubyFowler · 07/07/2021 23:12

I get you OP. I would feel the same.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:12

I think you’ll just have to accept that the solutions are not viable ones in this particular setup @Palavah

I do think as very general point and not aimed at you that if a poster not taking advice you have posted causes such upset it is wise not to post it. No one is obliged to use solutions. Some situations do not have an easy answer. This is one of those situations.

My mum was always a night owl. Dad was a lark. It was who they were. She got fed up with him for falling asleep at eight o clock every evening. He got fed up because she was still in bed late at weekends. Neither were wrong. It was who they were.

OP posts:
SprayedWithDettol · 07/07/2021 23:13

💐 OP. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:14

I am extremely grateful for those who get it though. I really am.

The solidarity is very helpful.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 07/07/2021 23:14

I totally sympathise OP. Ask him to find somewhere else to work one day a week. There's all sort of spaces available, some free (our library has small rooms you can book) some low cost - hubs etc. You need some space. That's not unreasonable.

GettingUntrapped · 07/07/2021 23:15

I get it too, op. It's very hard and I admire you for voicing your real feelings, as opposed to what your feelings should be according to some self-denying cultural narrative that many buy into, and don't truly think for themselves beyond that.

hettie · 07/07/2021 23:15

Hmme, seems like you've got three options, 1. Find a compromise (you seem certain this isn't possible). 2. Leave because it's intolerable (you don't want to) 3. Put up with it (but complain and seek validation, which you are trying to do but AIBU often wants to problem solve so you are unlikely to get warm validation here).

m0therofdragons · 07/07/2021 23:16

Op flo and Joan have a song you’ll appreciate
fb.watch/v/1ITyt6KK7/

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:16

I’m not sure posting on AIBU counts as an ‘option’ in all honesty!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 07/07/2021 23:16

Most mornings now when I wake up I could fucking cry at the thought of another day with him...sounds absolutely awful. It's not him, it's me. This might suit some people but for some of us it's like absolute torture

BeeandG · 07/07/2021 23:17

To improve the situation something will have to change as otherwise you'll just get more and more frustrated and upset. Lots of others have suggested possible changes but only you know what you could actually do differently. I'd start by asking dh to take the children out at the weekend even if just for a couple of hours to give you some breathing space, see if it helps.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 23:18

This is the problem comedy. I feel so drained by his constant presence that it’s making me feel as if I don’t want him near me, don’t want sex with him, or him to hold my hand or touch me at all. Awful and I don’t like those feelings but it’s the truth.

OP posts:
IceLace100 · 07/07/2021 23:18

Sometimes it can be annoying / patronising when people suggest such obvious "solutions".

For the people saying "Can he work in a different room" or similar, OP is not thick. She would obviously have thought around a solution like this beforehand if it were possible.

Sending love OP