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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
TheDevils · 09/07/2021 10:12

I think what some are missing is that talking to him would be akin to telling a husband going bald you don’t find bald men attractive. It would be making him feel bad for something he’s no control over.

Only if you frame it that way. If he's got an ounce of emotional intelligence then he will understand how suffocating the situation is. You need to give him a chance to understand things from your perspective.

I'm really honest about needing alone time - My DH doesn't seem to need it as he grew up in a busy house whereas I find it all a little overwhelming at times if I don't get time to myself. DH does his best to facilitate this for me because loves me.

I tell him when he's annoying me and vice versa . Believe me, my DH can be really annoying!! But it's about honest communication. We've made a bit of a joke about how i've ended up with a really annoying colleague who I can't get away from!!

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:13

I think there is something in that foundations but the problem is that if there is nothing that can be done then an uncomfortable atmosphere has been created for no reason.

maddening you have rather maddeningly made it sound as if I have a problem with DH being in the house full stop which is rather unfair. It is the relentless nature of it. One or two days a week to make a mess and a noise with my baby without his presence is not the same as demanding he is never in, which is how you have made it sound.

OP posts:
TheDevils · 09/07/2021 10:16

Oh and I suggested DH might want to start going into work a couple of days a week now that he's allowed so that I can work in peace at home (I've always wfh some days and i'm not allowed back in yet) and most weeks that's what he does. He wasn't offended by the suggestion as he understands how challenging it's been.

MaMaD1990 · 09/07/2021 10:17

I think there is something in that foundations but the problem is that if there is nothing that can be done then an uncomfortable atmosphere has been created for no reason.

Maybe you should give your husband the courtesy of letting him offer up solutions by actually having a conversation with him.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:17

Someone pass Lady Bracknell a cucumber sandwich, I think she’s hungry and cranky Hmm

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 10:21

@whitemirrors

Nope. I would find everyone draining if I was with them 24/7. Comparisons don’t work because different people are different.
Perhaps, but would you actually feel ‘stifled’? That’s a very specific problem. People who report feeling drained around other people in general don’t necessarily feel stifled by them.

If you do find everyone draining, there’s something within you that’s draining your energy - that can be addressed with therapy.

SeeYouInFive · 09/07/2021 10:22

I think what some are missing is that talking to him would be akin to telling a husband going bald you don’t find bald men attractive. It would be making him feel bad for something he’s no control over

It’s not the same thing. He can absolutely control whether he comments on your parcels arriving, or your farting in your own home, or your second breakfasts. He can also control, to a certain extent, where he works. No reason why he can’t say to his employers that WFH is not possible so they need to offer him an alternative solution.

All of those things are well within his control. You just need to talk to him. Are you afraid to talk to him? If you mentioned that him WFH is negatively impacting on yours and your daughter’s enjoyment of your home, would he play the wounded victim and twist it to make it seem like he has no control over it?

I think the thing is that most of us on this thread can understand how you feel. During lockdown there wasn’t a single room in my house that I could go into and there wasn’t someone else there working. I thought I would lose my mind at one point. So, we get it.

But there were things I did to try and mitigate how shit I felt about the situation and try to get some control back over my environment. You may not feel there’s a work around that means you don’t find his 24/7 presence draining, but there are things you could do (including talking to him about it) to mitigate how much this is getting to you.

But every suggestion or enquiry is shot down with ‘no, no, no’. It’a awful and this is it and it will never be different and there’s nothing I can do. Which screams depression to me.

There’s a lot in your posts that’s worrying.

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 10:22

One or two days a week to make a mess and a noise with my baby without his presence is not the same as demanding he is never in, which is how you have made it sound.

You say he’s out at the weekends because he’s in all week - so you have that anyway, no?

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:25

It is quite fascinating that so many are convinced I am in need of therapy. I thought the general MN consensus was that people who needed others and relied on them for happiness were the ones in need of therapy.

I feel stifled because of lack of time to myself.

I feel drained because I am never apart from my husband and therefore I don’t really enjoy or look forward to spending time with him, which is sad really.

Because I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind.

And also it is not as if he’s been working home for a week and I’m fed up. This is after months and months and I’m also missing my friends.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2021 10:26

It isn't unkind to say I miss my friends and want some time out to see them, can you have the kids Sunday or can you take the kids out Sunday so I can do something

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:27

I think comprehension needs to be taught at school.

We go out at the weekends.

So after a week of going out so I don’t disturb him at home I then am out all weekend.

I’m also woken a lot in the night.

Can you really not see why this gets a little exhausting? Even if you think I am unreasonable, in need of therapy and my child in receipt of abject pity?

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:28

No it isn’t, however it also isn’t doable. Friends spend time with their own families at weekends understandably. Please can we not go back to ‘Mumsnet suggests something / op explains that wouldn’t work / op is piled on.’

I only came back to say thank you and I’ve been dragged into this nonsense again Sad

OP posts:
LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 10:28

But if you don’t say anything to him op how can it change? Just say no, I don’t want to go out at the weekend I want you to go out.

It’s more unkind to harbour these feelings because you will eventually burst and he won’t see it coming.

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 10:29

The things you say you can’t do with DH home:

  1. Make a mess then clear it up.
  2. Come out of the shower in a towel and make a cup of tea
  3. Dance around in pyjamas.

These are fairly normal things that I’d think most people would feel they could do with their spouse around.

So either he has a personality that means these things are not ok, or he would be fine with it but you have some inner constraint around him.

Having to keep the noise down because someone is working is one thing, but not being able to make tea in a towel is quite another.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2021 10:30

But why do you both need to go out every weekend? I'm not unable to comprehend your words, just your logic. You want to do something different to what you're currently doing. That is ok. You are allowed to say actually this weekend I need this not that. You are allowed to make your needs important. You can't solve the big issue but you can fit the edges. If you're feeling like you want some time away, be it a few days or a weekend, with or without the kids, communicate that need. He isn't the only one with feelings that matter. Your happiness is important too

MaMaD1990 · 09/07/2021 10:30

Because I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind.

But your silent resentment and irritation towards him makes for a 'kind' atmosphere...me thinks not.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2021 10:32

I don't think it's that there isn't a solution, I think you don't want to find one.

If you don't have a single friend who wouldn't do a few hours out even after bedtime or a quick coffee before lunch, go on your own! You can have time away from him but you have to actually do something about it. No solutions from me because for whatever reason you're determined to be helpless.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:32

I’m not expecting it to change that’s the whole point of the thread!

tatiana shall I get therapy for not wanting to dance around in my pyjamas when someone is at work in the same room as me? Hmm

Shall I walk around in my towel right through a teams meeting and explain to a head tired counsellor why I don’t really feel comfortable doing that?

The mess is just how I feel, it feels inconsiderate to create a tip. However even things like cleaning are harder when someone’s at work. I dread to think of the last time the dining area was cleaned, Christmas probably!

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 10:33

I think comprehension needs to be taught at school.

We go out at the weekends.

Attacking posters doesn’t do you any favours. Your OP describes your DH’s desire to be out at weekends and it does not say “we”.

If he wants to go out and you don’t, then you can stay at home.

beastlyslumber · 09/07/2021 10:33

Jesus, just talk to him. It's not 'unkind' to have needs and feelings. You are being a martyr.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:35

sleeping I go out every single day to meet local friends for coffee, to go to baby classes, to go for walks.

I do three baby classes a week, a mum and baby exercise class plus lots of social events in between those.

This is not about me not giving him space or not going out

If however a friend from a distance away (I don’t live near where I grew up) wanted to visit, then we’d have to meet at a pub i restaurant or cafe, which would be a couple of hours max. Understandably most people aren’t up for that.

OP posts:
PurpleSunrise · 09/07/2021 10:37

I don’t understand why your relationship can’t take you telling your husband you need a bit of alone time? Obviously you don’t just say “I don’t want to spent time with you” but it’s more about having some time to yourself which is important to lots of people. I’ve had the same thing with my partner and he understands that and we make it work. He also works hard from home all week.

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 10:37

If you don’t want things to change then what? You just want to live in misery? How’s that going to help anyone? Especially the baby. They soak up these emotions and energy.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:37

jesus just talk to him

Jesus, just RTFT.

I really must do something now other than argue with people who for reasons best known to themselves have moved on from obsessing about a bedroom that can’t be worked in and are now obsessing about me talking about something and making someone feel bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 10:38

I have said that I am going to suggest he works elsewhere one day a week.

If he can’t, we’ll, he can’t.

If he can, marvellous. All is well.

Shall we draw a line there —please—

OP posts: