Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
snowwhit3 · 09/07/2021 17:14

How many kids do you have OP?

I'm your first post you say we have children (i.e plural) but then you mention in another post about potentially wanting a 2nd as if you only have one?

I'm asking as it sounds like you may have step children making this more complicated?

girl71 · 09/07/2021 17:46

Op, only read all yr posts but it seems to me you feel " hemmed jn".

I am assuming yr home is quite small? You enjoy being with yr children but DH is encroaching on you? With kindness, that is also DH's home. If he is working from home now , that may be something out of his control. Your whole environment sounds claustrophobic.

You say you won't be leaving as you have young children so could move to a larger property benefit you all?

My now ex DH used to work from home 3 days a week, yrs ago. I did not love him anymore and so having him there jarred on me and the kids every time. I was working FT but he still annoyed me. He was a bit highly stung , not practical in terms of DIY, ( i did it all) he was messy and expected the children to behave like 1930's kids. He added to my mental load significantly. I was no longer attracted to him. I left and bought my own house for me and the DC's and it has been much better. We are not in a relationship anymore, we are divorced and single, he is a good hands on Dad but, i have my own lovely home and my own space.

With respect, i just don't think you are in love with yr Dh anymore , hence yr "i wont be leaving as we have young children " comment in yr first post. You are not happy Op. His constant presence is affecting you as , you do not want him there. He is basically getting on yr nerves.

Having young children does not stop you from leaving and having yr own home. Being attached to a certain lifestyle that yr DH's salary may afford you, does. Sounds to me like you will be happier in your own place. You need to either move to a bigger property, that gives you that space ( ExDH and I had a seriously massive large house but he still annoyed me) or you need to set up on yr own. This is not a space issue, this is not a wfh issue, this is a you are not happy in yr marriage issue.

Creamsoda77 · 09/07/2021 19:48

This is still going? Im amazed some don't think the OP is being rude, her replies have so far been overwhelmingly rude and just a bad attitude. Again, why are you asking for help OP as you just dismiss every single piece of advice.

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 19:54

She’s been super rude. She’s either rude in real life so this is her normal; or she’s angry and depressed and lashing out here.

Doesn’t mean posters shouldn’t try and help her.

normanpricesmother · 09/07/2021 20:20

I don't understand why some posters keep coming back if they think OP has been so rude? Other than just to pile on again. If you don't like her responses then just stop reading.

OP I get how you feel, I'm on Mat leave too and I wouldn't be happy with dh in my living space while I lounge about in my jammies and cuddles the baby etc. It's not that I don't enjoy his company but I'd feel on edge wondering if I could be seen on zoom etc. Thankfully dh has somewhere else he can go but even with that I still feel like I need space away from him. We don't have the usual after work chat anymore either because we are always together. I know you think it would be unkind to tell him how you feel but you really must, he wouldn't want you to feel this way and even though it may not be something that can be solved at the moment you're not going to feel better by bottling up your feelings on the situation.

SciFiScream · 09/07/2021 20:27

It's difficult to come across well in the written word.

I think the OP has demonstrated a lot of understanding and kindness towards her DH. I also think the DH is failing to show the same to her.

He's unaware or deliberately ignoring the situation
He's critical of her, she can't relax around him
He lacks the emotional intelligence to realise she needs a bit of space and time alone

OP has a DH problem and doesn't have the sort of easy communication with him to do anything about it.

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 20:35

I don't understand why some posters keep coming back if they think OP has been so rude

That’s a non sequitur to me, just because someone’s rude doesn’t mean they’re not deserving of help.

Christmasfairy2020 · 09/07/2021 20:44

My dh hates me working from home on Mondays as it means he is stuck upstairs all day and I'm at kitchen table. However I would happily work at my desk in my bedroom like I do 4 days per week when he goes to work. But he wants a lay in. Which means he is banned from the kitchen Mondays. I get right nasty when he comes in as I'm on telephone all day. I can imagine it is hard for you 💔

normanpricesmother · 09/07/2021 20:47

But she didn't want help, she wanted to vent about her situation which is quite understandably, very difficult. She is struggling to cope with the constant presence of another person and wanted to open up about her feelings to people she doesn't know because she doesn't want to upset someone she loves. I don't think there is anything wrong with that being the sole purpose of her post and not to be offered solutions.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 09/07/2021 20:55

Oh fgs, she's just straightforward and pissed off!

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 21:43

But she didn't want help, she wanted to vent about her situation

I use the word ‘help’ loosely - attention, support - whatever you want to call it.

She said she wanted ‘support’ and ‘sympathy.’

snowwhit3 · 09/07/2021 22:42

@SciFiScream

It's difficult to come across well in the written word.

I think the OP has demonstrated a lot of understanding and kindness towards her DH. I also think the DH is failing to show the same to her.

He's unaware or deliberately ignoring the situation
He's critical of her, she can't relax around him
He lacks the emotional intelligence to realise she needs a bit of space and time alone

OP has a DH problem and doesn't have the sort of easy communication with him to do anything about it.

Yeah OP has demonstrated kindness and understanding to DH....shame they same can't be said for how she's spoken to other posters on here.

Her DH is the one causing the issue yet she tip toes about him walking on egg shells then speaks to 90% of people who have replied to her post like complete shit......

SciFiScream · 09/07/2021 22:49

It's easier to be blunt with strangers on the net! Don't take it personally.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2021 01:50

OP has a DH problem and doesn't have the sort of easy communication with him to do anything about it.

Her problem is basically that her H isn't a mind reader and she won't enlighten him, for reasons that could be elucidated and cured in therapy.

Therapy is a lot cheaper than divorce.

Plus we only have one life to live.

Cloudninenine · 10/07/2021 05:45

If a woman on mumsnet shows even the smallest amount of backbone she’s diagnosed with a mental health condition needing therapeutic help. Absolutely ridiculous.

TheFoundations · 10/07/2021 07:41

@Cloudninenine

If a woman on mumsnet shows even the smallest amount of backbone she’s diagnosed with a mental health condition needing therapeutic help. Absolutely ridiculous.
Not really. OP has stated that she feels it's unkind to express that she's unhappy due to her needs not being met. It's a good idea to speak to a professional about that, because generally that kind of thought process stems from childhood.

You seem to think it's an insult to suggest to somebody that therapy might be a good idea. It isn't. People are trying to help, which isn't ridiculous at all.

bumblingbovine49 · 10/07/2021 08:56

You sound depressed to me. I don't understand why leaving your DH because of this will help? If you don't have enough money to buy a solution ( several have been suggested) then splitting up will cause worse financial problems

Is your DH likely to work from home permanently? If so you need a longer term solution ( a new house with space for an office, rented space etc)

Surely your maternity leave is temporary?

Why can't you discuss solutions with your DH if it is not working for you.?. Are there other problems than this? It sounds like it

CaribouCarafe · 10/07/2021 11:07

@Cloudninenine

If a woman on mumsnet shows even the smallest amount of backbone she’s diagnosed with a mental health condition needing therapeutic help. Absolutely ridiculous.
The problem is the OP hasn't shown any backbone to her DH and can't even bring herself to raise the full extent of the issue with him.
Ninkanink · 10/07/2021 11:07

@Cloudninenine

If a woman on mumsnet shows even the smallest amount of backbone she’s diagnosed with a mental health condition needing therapeutic help. Absolutely ridiculous.
This comment makes no sense at all.
snowwhit3 · 10/07/2021 12:47

@Cloudninenine

If a woman on mumsnet shows even the smallest amount of backbone she’s diagnosed with a mental health condition needing therapeutic help. Absolutely ridiculous.
It's her attitude and the way she's replying to other posters makes her sound like she has depression/frustration/anger issues. Not the fact she's showing a bit of backbone to her DH

If anything she's tip toeing around him unwilling to communicate her feelings - that's mot healthy either. I don't see where she's showing backbone?!

Sakurami · 10/07/2021 13:04

The op has said that at the moment there are mo alternatives and she is venting. And I completely understand.

'We all need a little space to mentally process life and recharge so we can function at our best and enjoy time with others. It's just that introverts may need more of it. For introverts, time alone is as essential as sleeping or eating. Not getting enough can cause frustration, resentment, and fatigue to set in.'

BadNomad · 10/07/2021 13:35

But, like she says, what's the point in telling her partner how she feels about this? There is nothing he can do about the situation. All that will change is he will know his presence is making her miserable. Why is that a good thing?

SheABitSpicyToday · 10/07/2021 13:39

@BadNomad because there will probably be something he can do to ease it. Plus we’re supposed to talk to our partners about these things. That’s why they’re our partners.

BadNomad · 10/07/2021 13:44

[quote SheABitSpicyToday]@BadNomad because there will probably be something he can do to ease it. Plus we’re supposed to talk to our partners about these things. That’s why they’re our partners.[/quote]
She says there isn't. There is nowhere out of the home he can go and there is nowhere inside the home he can go that will give her the space she needs.

SheABitSpicyToday · 10/07/2021 13:49

Just because she perceives it that way doesn’t mean tk say that’s absolute. Op is clearly quite depressed and it’s hard to see solutions when you’re feeling that way. She needs to take about this regardless as it will ease her suffering and it may give the husband the kick up the ass he needs to do something about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread