To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

[whitemirrors]

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

DH works and he still understands I want some alone 🤣

I haven't mentioned working in a bedroom. I have RTFT. And I still have no idea why you can't talk to your husband about something that is making you feel so awful.

Because I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind.

If you say so.

It’s not unkind to say you’re not happy with the setup - as you see from the thread many other women have expressed just that to their spouse. So there must be something else.

Many women have a problem voicing their own needs in a relationship. Again, this could be an issue with DH’s personality or yours.

I have said that I am going to suggest he works elsewhere one day a week.

Apologies, I missed that. I think that's a great idea. Good luck with it.

I think the problem is OP has very rigid ideas about how things should be and how they should be done, which is why she frames the whole things as solution-less. Particularly since she believes that sharing hard truths with good intentions to those we love is 'being unkind'.

I wish you luck OP.

I feel stifled because of lack of time to myself.
I feel drained because I am never apart from my husband
after a week of going out ... I then am out all weekend... Can you really not see why this gets a little exhausting?

These are all things you can do something about if you're prepared to accept that your husband can handle the kids without you and that you're needs are important too.

Go to the cinema or out for a coffee alone. Offer him the same time. Tell him you don't want to be out all weekend. Tell him what you do want. Take some responsibility for your own happiness

@whitemirrors

I have said that I am going to suggest he works elsewhere one day a week.

If he can’t, we’ll, he can’t.

If he can, marvellous. All is well.

Shall we draw a line there —please—

Good op. Now keep communicating and let him know you have feelings and thoughts and opinions that matter too. Good luck

It is worrying that you think you cannot speak honestly about this. It doesn’t bode well for the relationship long term. And I also think your inability to voice your needs and wants might in fact be central to your feeling stifled.

If you never talk about about ‘negative’ feelings they don’t actually go away. They just linger underneath and poison everything.

But as you’ve said, you weren’t actually looking for solutions. And at least you might now have the chance to get a little time to yourself. Good luck with it and I hope the situation improves!

If you no longer want to hear people’s comments, suggestions or advice then I would genuinely say you might be best not returning to the thread, and even hiding it. Otherwise you will just feel compelled to argue back about things you don’t agree with or advice you don’t like and it will take way more out of you than what you get back.

I wish you well, and hope you can get your well-being back.

Because I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind

This is why people are saying you need therapy. I don't think you do, but I think it would be healthier and you'd therefore be happier if you'd recognise that you having needs isn't an unkindness, or you being controlling. A loving partner will recognise and accommodate your needs. With a respectful partner, you would feel that you could voice your needs without feeling you were doing something offensive.

It's not a healthy situation you're in, and I wonder if there's any pattern here in you feeling you can't be your 'full self' and have your needs met when your husband is present. I'm sure he loves you, I'm not disputing that, but if you're afraid to tell him how you feel because you think he's going to take it personally, that's likely to be a reflection of the whole relationship, and it's come to head with the 'I need more space' thing, rather than the 'I need more space' thing being the actual problem.

@TheFoundations

Because I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind

This is why people are saying you need therapy. I don't think you do, but I think it would be healthier and you'd therefore be happier if you'd recognise that you having needs isn't an unkindness, or you being controlling. A loving partner will recognise and accommodate your needs. With a respectful partner, you would feel that you could voice your needs without feeling you were doing something offensive.

It's not a healthy situation you're in, and I wonder if there's any pattern here in you feeling you can't be your 'full self' and have your needs met when your husband is present. I'm sure he loves you, I'm not disputing that, but if you're afraid to tell him how you feel because you think he's going to take it personally, that's likely to be a reflection of the whole relationship, and it's come to head with the 'I need more space' thing, rather than the 'I need more space' thing being the actual problem.

This is definitely worth thinking about.

I appreciate that you’re not necessarily in the head space to start taking advice about yourself or your relationship, but these are very important points.

Who taught you that nice, considerate people don’t speak up about their own wants and needs, likes and dislikes and what they would like or don’t like from their spouse or home situation?

I am a nice, considerate person. I’m also married to a nice, considerate person. We understand each other because we are honest with each other. We respect each other and most importantly we are both equally considerate and considered within our relationship.

You’re allowed to ask to have your needs met.

It’s worrying that you feel you can’t state your needs to your husband without coming across as ‘unkind’.

Would he make you feel like you’re being unkind or is that your own perception of stating your needs?

@whitemirrors

It is quite fascinating that so many are convinced I am in need of therapy. I thought the general MN consensus was that people who needed others and relied on them for happiness were the ones in need of therapy.

I feel stifled because of lack of time to myself.

I feel drained because I am never apart from my husband and therefore I don’t really enjoy or look forward to spending time with him, which is sad really.

Because I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind.

And also it is not as if he’s been working home for a week and I’m fed up. This is after months and months and I’m also missing my friends.

I’m a considerate person. My husband knows it drives me crazy if we are both wfh in the same room. I think it’s considerate to let him know how I feel, just like it’s considerate to be crystal clear on my thoughts on dogs so none of my inlaws ever think to ask us to have theirs for the weekend / while they go away. Saves everyone a lot of trouble really

Hi op. I totally get what you mean. My ex became self employed and started to work from home and even though he was at work trips, I hated him working from home.

But I stopped trying to get the kids to be quiet and making his lunch etc. I told him that the kids were kids and if he wanted quiet, he should make alternative arrangements.

It's the same when we were young and my dad was at home. We couldn't relax in the same way because rooms had to be tidy etc.

Some days you just want to be lazy and you feel you can't do that if your partner is there.

I don't have a problem with my boyfriend being around but that's because he isn't at all judgemental and doesn't make me feel like I should or shouldn't be doing something.

Its interesting that you are "kind and considerate" to your DH by not expressing your feelings, and here, where you are anonymous, you are quite snappy and snarky towards other anonymous people who are trying to help. I understand this thought pattern, I think. I couldn't talk to my exH, for many reasons, and i vented my frustration online with strangers.

I am divorced now, I have a new DP who makes me happy and a relationship that improves my life, and am a nicer person generally, because im not that big festering ball of resentment.

I suspect that OP has a H who takes any comments or suggestions as a personal criticism and then huffs about it— which is why she feels awkward challenging the status quo or not disturbing his day with mess or noise. I may be wrong but I’ve experienced the ‘suggestion equals criticism’ and if you don’t like hurting people and are a bit of a people pleaser it’s easy to fall into a habit of simply end up altering your own behaviour.

@LittleBlackCat22

What time does he finish op? Can he go out with the baby for an hour while you have a chill?

When I want to chill out I say “oh, you’re going for a skate today?” He knows that means fuck off out for an hour and take the kids with you please I want to lie on the sofa and eat chicken wings.

THIS!!! Brilliant

It would be a nice idea for your dh to go out with the children on his own one of the weekend days then? (instead of both of you) then you could have a few hours every sat or sunday? Would that work?

I think it’s probably safe to assume by now that OP either doesn’t want her DH to have the child(ren) out/at home on his own, or that her DH would not countenance it. There has been no engagement on that idea at all from OP (unless I’ve missed it, which tbf is a possibility).

On the one hand OP has said she’s not looking for solutions, so perhaps the apparent unwillingness to engage is due to irritation at constant suggestions/advice, or feeling that they’re not actually relevant (even though some could be helpful, at least in part). Or it’s possible that suggestions/advice are making OP angry because she feels powerless to instigate them. That could be due to current mental/emotional state or due to the reality of what her DH is like. Or it could just as easily be none of the above, of course. In any case I wish OP well and hopefully things will improve with time.

I’m off to plan our gyoza menu for tonight! Happy Friday everyone and hopefully a good weekend to come.

Ooh that sounds delicious. I haven't had gyoza since the first lockdown.

I hope things improve for you OP. In whatever way they need to.

Its interesting that you are "kind and considerate" to your DH by not expressing your feelings, and here, where you are anonymous, you are quite snappy and snarky towards other anonymous people who are trying to help. I understand this thought pattern, I think. I couldn't talk to my exH, for many reasons, and i vented my frustration online with strangers

This. 100000%

I do feel for you OP and reading your posts it isn't your DH being home which is the problem. My dh is home all day and we don't even see each other. We have to sit down in the evening to discuss our days. So I think you could quite easily have DH separate during the day. I think you've just got the ick and whatever your DH does or doesn't do it's going to annoy you

I just don't know why you have kept responding when you are frustrated with the replies. If this was a conversation you were having in real life, wouldn't you just walk away?

OP I get it. My DH is working from home, has been since the beginning of the first lockdown and will be, potentially, forever. Initially he worked in the lounge (not open plan but a bungalow so very close to me and the kids) and I felt very restricted in what I could do around the house. We are very lucky that there is a small loft room that he has been able to adapt to an office so he is now upstairs. I still feel self conscious if the kids cry or I shout/sing too loud but it's loads better. Hopefully you'll get the same if he is able to work out the home one day a week! If not I'm sorry, it must be tough :(

In terms of not having stuff to talk about, this may be a totally ridiculous suggestion but since the first lockdown we have got into playing scrabble together once or twice a week! It means we've been able to enjoy spending time together without having to think of conversation topics, since every day is the same! I realise scrabble isn't everyone's cup of tea but maybe there's a game you could both enjoy!? Just to try and regain the feeling of quality time together even though you're in the same place as youve been all day!

I am basically a kind, considerate person I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind.

This narrative, this belief about yourself and about how relationships work, along with the fear of an uncomfortable atmosphere, is what you need to talk to a therapist about. You need to talk about the associated belief that you can't be truly yourself and must defer to your H's needs when he is there. Your beliefs are why you feel so stifled.

If you can't address the conditioning that has led you to state so firmly "I have not voiced this to him because it is unkind" and learn healthy communication skills, your marriage will never be one where your needs are met, and you won't be able to feel anything but stifled. This will be true regardless of where your H works.

Many of the elements of the intolerable situation are beliefs you yourself hold about what you can and can't do, beliefs about how your H would feel or respond, not immovable objects/ things that are objectively impossible.

TheFoundations Fri 09-Jul-21 10:56:05
Is the problem, as suggested in ^^ this post, that your whole relationship is affected by the belief that stating your needs is unkind? You say that your H probably believes you love having his company all day every day. You are talking about a belief that there is a complete disconnect between how he views the relationship and how you do.

...your inability to voice your needs and wants might in fact be central to your feeling stifled.
I agree with Ninkanink's comment there.

..........

The reason to talk to your GP as well as a therapist is possible depression. You are not getting unbroken sleep. You are living in strained circumstances. You are fixating on time alone. You are overwhelmed, and hopeless about the situation and the future. You are experiencing grief. Certain comments here have the effect of the proverbial red rag to a bull on you.

Yup. It’s driving me mad.if it were forever I’d be so fed up and depressed. Every phone call is so loud. Constant calls from 8am and then at the desk in our bedroom until 11pm at earliest.

Just want time alone.