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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To be reconsidering my relationship because of lockdown

813 replies

whitemirrors · 07/07/2021 21:31

I won’t be leaving because we have young children.

But I am increasingly frustrated with DH wfh and I feel it’s forcing a lifestyle on me I just don’t want.

He’s at home all the time. It’s rare he leaves the house. When he does it’s only for short periods like to go to the supermarket to fill the car with petrol or to go to the dentist. Those sorts of things.

Then at weekends because he’s home all the time he wants to be out of the house. I’m exhausted with it.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Just feeling so stifled.

OP posts:
Creamsoda77 · 08/07/2021 22:53

I tried to help but was accused of trying to cause a fight, OP's attitude is coming across as rude and angry, I would second the therapy option as you clearly have anger and resentment issues as this is coming across in huge neon lights I'm afraid.
I really do hope you sort this out as it isn't a good way to live, for anyone.

pallisers · 09/07/2021 00:38

It is funny how people look at things. OP may well have been rude and snappy (I didn't see it myself) but then she posted on AIBU (big mistake) when stressed and dealing with a newborn and a ruined maternity leave and a husband who is present 24/7

But plenty of people who replied were even ruder and snappier - what is their excuse? if they didn't like the thread they could not respond - but they did and got the boot in. you need therapy, you are angry, your poor husband, why did you marry him if you don't want to be with him 24 hours a day every day, why don't you answer ALL of our questions.

honestly I can understand the OP. Can't understand the mindset of many of the posters whining about "but why doesn't she listen to us and understand that our advice matters and can solve all her problems" weird.

The op is in a stressful situation. All of us know that. Her biggest mistake was posting in AIBU instead of relationships. When she proved equal to the push back of AIBU people got arsey with her. says more about them than her imo.

timeisnotaline · 09/07/2021 00:39

@TatianaBis

Moving house isn’t a solution, no.

We will move in the next year or so but firstly, he will still be there, constantly. This has its advantages and if it was three days a week would be lovely, before anyone starts and decides I’m just irredeemably horrid. It is constant.

But I won’t be, it’s back to work, and any holiday I do have is just taken up with him There.

I know some of you are very fixed in the view all is solved by placing him in a bedroom and closing the door and I am afraid it is not.

I think if this problem cannot be solved by his working in a garden office - so he literally won’t be in the house other than when he comes in for lunch; and you say that he’s out all weekend because he’s home all week, so you effectively get the house to yourself on the weekends; and when you return to work you still won’t be happy because he will be there when you are on holiday -

Then basically this relationship is over.

That is why no door, no wall, no garden, no weekend will ever be enough distance from him. You simply do not want to be around him enough to stay married to him.

That or she genuinely does need therapy. It’s in her head that she can’t have second breakfast with him at home, or that him working in a bedroom still doesn’t mean she can not get dressed till lunchtime… half of this is in the ops head. (Totally agree someone working in the living room gets annoying, but not with all of the issues and how unfixable they are). I think the op might be a bit depressed.
TwoBees · 09/07/2021 06:28

I understand the need for alone time, OP, can't you ask him to take the kids out for a day/half a day at the weekend because you'd like some alone time? That shouldn't be an upsetting conversation for anyone because even if you were both currently working outside of the home, it would be reasonable for you both to want alone time sometimes to recharge a bit.
I felt a bit of a loss when my mat leave was coming to an end, almost like a panic because you start thinking of all the things you wanted to but haven't done and now can't do without taking annual leave. I think you should talk to your partner, it's not healthy to keep this kind of frustration inside.

WaterBottle123 · 09/07/2021 07:08

OP

I 100 percent understand why this upsets you and I'm sorry. I'd feel the same.

CaribouCarafe · 09/07/2021 07:19

I don't think this is really about introversion vs extraversion - I'm an introvert (and score higher than 70% of introverts in that respect) married to an extrovert. We both work from home and barely leave the flat (it's a 2 bed open plan design). We both manage to get alone time as well as time together - one of us will hang out in a bedroom with the door closed while the other gets the main living space.

Tbh what some of the "introverts" have said above sounds more territorial than stemming from introversion - it makes very little difference being in a whole flat by myself vs being in the main living space with my husband hanging out in a bedroom.

It sounds like OP is trying to be very considerate to her partner and is tiptoeing around him but as PPs have said it's primarily a home not an office - she should push back against DH if he is nitpicking at her activities and she should invite people round if she wants to. It's a question of reframing her thinking to help her service her own needs. If she has a frank conversation with her husband they can come up with a strategy together.

RubyFowler · 09/07/2021 07:28

I think the difference to being completely alone in the house is that you know you aren’t going to be interrupted.
My exDH always used to pop into the room etc. He didn't need alone time at all.

TheDevils · 09/07/2021 07:43

You need to talk to your DH.
Me and my husband have both been wfh since last March and fit a big chunk of that we had our 6 year old at home and we were trying to homeschool.

The only time I'm alone during the week is if I go out for a walk.

We have very different ways of working and we've had to have some very frank discussions about how to make it work. We've had to move furniture around to accommodate work spaces ( I literally live in our bedroom) and we've had to get noise cancelling headphones etc.

It's not great and I don't know when it will end but the only way we've got through it is by communicating honestly.

abiabib123 · 09/07/2021 07:52

For me it's perfectly understandable that you feel this way, I would be exactly the same. It doesn't matter what room they are in, you are still pretty much under the same roof 24/7 at the moment and that would kill me! I need my time apart from my DH, and he does from me so I can imagine how hard it is.

I guess you just want your own little uninterrupted routine whilst your on your maternity, I totally get that!

callmeadoctor · 09/07/2021 07:53

I know that you have said that you don't want to tell your DH you aren't happy with him being in the house, but if the situation was changed, wouldn't you want him to tell you? (You say he is a lovely man, then wouldn't he want to know?).
It surely is down to your DH and his employer to sort this, has your DH properly asked his bosses for a way round it? When he was initially employed, he wasn't working from home? Surely your DH should be telling his employers that this can't continue. Indeed it certainly sounds like there is no room to continue like this (and I would be pulling the plug on the wi fi if I was you! Absolutely). But there is most definitely a solution. You are not telling your DH that you don't love him, you are telling him that there is not enough room to continue like this...................................................

callmeadoctor · 09/07/2021 07:58

And I do understand OP, my husband has recently retired, I wish to god that he would take up cycling or something. HE PUTS THE BIN BAGS IN THE WRONG DRAWER!!!! FFS (he thinks that works better!) He constantly wants to make me cups of tea, yet still can't make mine how I like it. It all drives me insane.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 08:16

@pallisers

It is funny how people look at things. OP may well have been rude and snappy (I didn't see it myself) but then she posted on AIBU (big mistake) when stressed and dealing with a newborn and a ruined maternity leave and a husband who is present 24/7

But plenty of people who replied were even ruder and snappier - what is their excuse? if they didn't like the thread they could not respond - but they did and got the boot in. you need therapy, you are angry, your poor husband, why did you marry him if you don't want to be with him 24 hours a day every day, why don't you answer ALL of our questions.

honestly I can understand the OP. Can't understand the mindset of many of the posters whining about "but why doesn't she listen to us and understand that our advice matters and can solve all her problems" weird.

The op is in a stressful situation. All of us know that. Her biggest mistake was posting in AIBU instead of relationships. When she proved equal to the push back of AIBU people got arsey with her. says more about them than her imo.

I just want to thank you for this pallisers, and some other very nice and supportive posts from others. It is strange how when a complete stranger understands you feel better somehow.

DH isn’t as bad as some here - that husband with the breakfast bowl would have me wanting to smash it over his head! - but his constant presence is draining no matter where he is.

OP posts:
Flashblip · 09/07/2021 08:47

I totally understand you and I understand your frustration with people commenting,

You know you can't change the situation but your still entitled you feel the way you do you need to rant or you'll go crazy.

In the morning ask him to take DD out for a while and get your you time even if it's just a little bit

I worked from home for over a year I got no alone house time, I've changed my role but my marriage I don't think even now will survive

TatianaBis · 09/07/2021 09:19

I think the crux here is that you have married someone you find draining.

Whether it’s his personality or simply the combination of your personalities together it’s not possible to say.

By way of comparison - I genuinely don’t find my DH draining. I work from home, he has worked at home in the past when he was studying, it was fine. I find him very easy and relaxing to be around.

I have never felt stifled or suffocated in my house however much DH has been at home.

The best I can suggest is some kind of relationship counselling, and perhaps individual as well.

Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 09:29

Nope. I would find everyone draining if I was with them 24/7. Comparisons don’t work because different people are different.

OP posts:
TheDevils · 09/07/2021 09:38

You really need to talk to him.

Early in lockdown my DH decided he was going to start coming on my walks with me. I explained that I didn't want him to as I needed a break from him, DS and the house. He understood because I took the time to explain how having no time to myself was impacting my mental health.

maddening · 09/07/2021 09:38

But it is you who is the problem here op, you need to establish a coping mechanism or work with dh to do so. You are both entitled to be in the house 24 hours a day.

Comedycook · 09/07/2021 09:45

@maddening

But it is you who is the problem here op, you need to establish a coping mechanism or work with dh to do so. You are both entitled to be in the house 24 hours a day.
I don't think she's the problem at all. A home should generally not be a work place too...
Original poster
whitemirrors · 09/07/2021 09:45

I think what some are missing is that talking to him would be akin to telling a husband going bald you don’t find bald men attractive. It would be making him feel bad for something he’s no control over.

As I’ve said I will be suggesting he works elsewhere for one day a week so I can see friends.if he can’t then he can’t.

you are both entitled to be in the house 24 hours a day

What, permanently? I don’t think that is healthy at all: even prisoners are given outdoor activities!

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 09/07/2021 09:46

Well she is the problem if she refuses to raise any of this with her husband.

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 09:48

What time does he finish op? Can he go out with the baby for an hour while you have a chill?

When I want to chill out I say “oh, you’re going for a skate today?” He knows that means fuck off out for an hour and take the kids with you please I want to lie on the sofa and eat chicken wings.

CaribouCarafe · 09/07/2021 09:50

I think what some are missing is that talking to him would be akin to telling a husband going bald you don’t find bald men attractive. It would be making him feel bad for something he’s no control over.

Not really though, you've mentioned things upthread that seem to indicate that some of his behaviours make you feel on edge in your own home (e.g. commenting on deliveries, your food, farting, picking up your kid during work hours when you went to the loo). If you have a conversation about what boundaries can be put in place (e.g. a strict 9-5 work day where he doesn't interact with you, for the sake of your mental health and comfort) then he can modify his behaviour.

If he loves you, he will want you to be comfortable in your own home. Not talking about this issue is already doing harm to your relationship, what do you have to lose by being open and honest with him?

If done tactfully, it shouldn't cause any hurt - I wouldn't have any qualms about having a conversation like this with my DH. I also wouldn't feel offended if he asked me to act as if I was literally in the office and leave him alone during work hours if being constantly present was affecting his mental health

maddening · 09/07/2021 10:02

Comedycook, op would have a problem if her dh was completely out of sight but in the house, op would have a problem if dh was not working and wanted to be in the house, her issue is her dh being there,.regardless of whether she can see and hear him and regardless of what he is doing.

Comedycook · 09/07/2021 10:03

@maddening

Comedycook, op would have a problem if her dh was completely out of sight but in the house, op would have a problem if dh was not working and wanted to be in the house, her issue is her dh being there,.regardless of whether she can see and hear him and regardless of what he is doing.
Yep I have a problem with that too.
TheFoundations · 09/07/2021 10:06

I think what some are missing is that talking to him would be akin to telling a husband going bald you don’t find bald men attractive. It would be making him feel bad for something he’s no control over

It's not about 'missing' that, it's about recognising that that's how you feel, and being concerned that you think that that's healthy.

A comment about bald men to a man going bald is a personal comment. 'I need more space' isn't about him in any sense. This is basic boundaries. You seem to think that your need for space is an attempt to control him, when really, your need for space is something he should respect (and you should respect, rather than just allowing it to be steamrollered) You should feel safe to tell him about your need (and any other need) without fear of his insecurity causing an issue. What's actually happening is that, in your fear of being controlling, you are being controlled. That's why you're feeling uncomfortable. Your life is being controlled.