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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

261 replies

love15 · 07/07/2021 12:12

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 16/07/2021 21:11

@love15

I think I have an issue with change... it scares the hell out of me!
Even change for the better is scary! Tell yoursel you're excited
Hawtain86 · 16/07/2021 21:30

I’ve had a few relationships since to some really great guys but I haven’t had that spark with anyone yet. My ex still wants me back but I’ve had a taste of what a real relationship should be like so I would never go back. I couldn’t be less interested. I thought it was the end of the world at the time I really did. It’s only when you look back after a bit of time you realise how wrong it was and I’m better off now than I ever was with him.

I love living on my own, I have so much more freedom now, I’m out of a toxic environment away from all the negativity. I have absolutely no regrets.

It doesn’t feel it right now but in the long run you’ll be much happier without him xx

Feminem · 16/07/2021 22:18

You are in a tailspin at the moment op - things will ease and calm. You are young and will undoubtedly meet someone else but you need to respect yourself first and make you and your DD the priority. It's not uncommon to feel panicked at being untethered from what you're used to but that doesn't make it right. Your life will be one of conflict and mistrust with him. Give yourself time to grieve that relationship but hold on to what's best for you both, however hard that might feel. See a doctor if necessary to get something to help the panic & anxiety. Don't let it drive you back into a toxic situation.

NewlyGranny · 17/07/2021 06:59

You're wasting your time and emotional energy trying to figure him out, OP, which is exactly how he intends to wear you down and hoover you back up.

Close off the channels that he's using to reach in and mess with your head. You're at your mum's - could she or a trusted friend be the contact for any essential talk about your DD? You need someone who will filter out anything irrelevant and just not tell you.

Meanwhile, I recommend you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you see his manipulation clearly and strengthen you to resist being drawn back in.

3Lions · 17/07/2021 07:02

@love15

It's his house. So I'll have to leave and go to my mums for a while.

I'm lucky in the respect that I have a deposit saved and generally earn quite well.

I'm 33 and I just want that happily ever after you know. But at the same time I find this so hard!

What would you all do?

Leave him op.
love15 · 17/07/2021 07:24

Am I stupid for even questioning if there's a solution to this?

Is it possible to say to him, we either do this together, buy a house and he gets help etc or it's done?

OP posts:
category12 · 17/07/2021 07:37

What's in it for him?

Currently he cheats, lies, takes drugs, does whatever he wants, treats you like crap - and the worst that happens is occasionally, you leave or there's a big bust up - but in the end you back down and stay.

He gets to have everything his way at the low price (to him) of you being upset and miserable.

Why would he change? He doesn't give a shit. He might pay lip service to change to get you to come home this time, but basically you have taught him over the years that no matter what he does, you'll stick it out.

You'll just be back in the exact same pattern with him.

category12 · 17/07/2021 07:40

You'll just be back in the exact same pattern with him. Except older and having wasted more of your precious time with an arsehole.

sakuramiyagi · 17/07/2021 07:44

Please for the love of all that is holy, do not buy a house with this man! As other posters have said, he will not change. You may get the crocodile tears and lip service but it won't last.

You have been so brave and have done the right thing for you and your daughter. Stay tough and start working towards your future, you don't need his baggage dragging you down.

Itried88 · 17/07/2021 07:53

It depends. Do you want the lifestyle he's offering? If you are prepared to share his attention then go ahead. But you need to be a very thick skinned person because he will always be looking. He won't give that up because it's more important to him than what he's got. He wants more. He sees a pretty woman he needs to see if he can pull her. He thinks about them sexually and if they are willing to give him photos, see or any attention he will weaken. He goes out actively looking and puts himself in that situation. If he wanted to stop he would have after the first time. He likes you out the way so he can go into his other world. But then he thinks oh no. I still need her for shopping, cooking, see and I don't really like being alone. He doesn't have a plan past getting the sex and attention. No doubt as soon as one of these women want more he blocks them or runs. But what if one day one of them convinced him to start a life with her and you get ditched?

I'm not saying this to be mean. But they only think of themselves! He's an oppurtunits. He's looking for something better. He's just too stupid to realise he already has it good.

Only you can decide the real reason you want him back. I think you are scared to be alone and are in panic mode. You don't really want this behaviour around you. How can you have sex with him knowing he's been touching other women? That's not love!

Men like him rely on women like you. Nice and genuine. Forgiving. I don't think you are a mug at all. I think you are a woman who's been massively let down emotionally and you can't separate your love from the problem. But if you go back there you are going back to the SAME man. He's not going to ever truly be anyone else. This is him. He might behave for a year or two. But one day temptation will be there again. Believe me it will. There's a never ending supply when you are not picky. They can always find it.

I've been where you are. I didn't go back on the third split. Best choice I ever made. Because he made me feel shit! I wouldn't have the energy for another round. He's burned his bridges with me now. There's always someone prettier out there and you need to find the man who still focuses on you. Love is meant to be solid and loyal. He's a horrible man. You do know that don't you? He doesn't respect women in general. Not you or the other women who he plays. They also get hurt when they realise he's full of it and has no intention of loving them. He probably washes in the tears of women he's hurt. It's just horrible.

Go to your councilling and please heal. You don't need this wasting anymore of your life than it already has. Get out there and live for you and your beautiful girl. X

Whydidimarryhim · 17/07/2021 08:02

You need to be asking why you want to get back with him - you are keeping your focus on him. He’s damaged and will need a lot of help to change.
You can move to your own place and ask him to do the work he needs to do and let your daughter see him.
I’d give it 6 weeks before he reverts to type.
You have your own issues which are fine - we don’t need a man- ask yourself why you need him - did you look up trauma bonding?
Are you listening. He’s only a man ffs - and not a good one at that.
I’m wondering if you had a poor relationship with your father.
In my eyes it’s better to be single than with a man like that.
You need to build up your self esteem - if you rush into a new relationship because you don’t want to be alone that will be disastrous.
You need to focus and you and your daughter - nothing else.
Good luck

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/07/2021 11:18

I guess it's just the panic in me thinking I won't ever get the things I want again

But really OP what do you have that you want now?? Being lied to made a complete fool of disrespected over and over? Is that what you Want?

You don't need this loser to have a house or a child you've said yourself you're a good earner and have a deposit. Get up off your arse and find YOUR house instead of crying, wheedling and dithering....

Why on earth would you tie yourself to someone financially who isn't even capable of the very basics like keeping their cock in their trousers???

For fuck sake come on now..🤦‍♀️

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/07/2021 11:19

May be harsh OP but I think you need to get a grip and shake off the little girl lost act.

QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 13:25

@Closetbeanmuncher

May be harsh OP but I think you need to get a grip and shake off the little girl lost act.

I agree... no offence OP but I keep asking if you have applied for CMS for your child and you sound as though you haven't...

please do not without delay.. your child needs this support and you do too 🌸

love15 · 17/07/2021 14:03

I wouldn't need to go down cms - he wouldn't cause any problems with this. He has two sons from a previous relationship and openly gives their mum money always has. He's a very high earner so no issues there x

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 17/07/2021 14:14

@love15

I wouldn't need to go down cms - he wouldn't cause any problems with this. He has two sons from a previous relationship and openly gives their mum money always has. He's a very high earner so no issues there x

good good 🌸

Sundancerintherain · 17/07/2021 17:15

He will promise you the moon and the stars with no intention of changing himself op.
I moved back in with parents in my late 20s after an abusive relationship. 20 odd years later I'm married with adult DC. Please dont go back.

Itried88 · 17/07/2021 19:11

I'll try explain with fake names what happened to me.

My name's Amy. I met Neil. Neil was lovely. Neil told me about his ex Jodie. She was still his friend. He told me about Emily. His old school friend who he had gone to catch up with after the split. She apparently forced sex onto him.

As time went on he told me about his ex wife Kate who he had two kids with. Obviously it was her fault and he walked away from his kids all innocent.

He eventually told me about Vicky. Another women who had come onto him through messaging and rude pictures. A friends sister from his school days. In the end he had to get his cousin to ask Vicky to leave him alone as he was ill after his split with Jodie.

At Christmas a woman called Anna was suddenly removed from his Facebook. He kept mentioning Emily again. She wouldn't leave him alone. He blocked her. Well he thought he had (bless him) but she kept messaging.

In February. He complained again that Emily had messaged him. Also his ex wives sister ebony. He also received a angry message from his ex wife Kate which he senr me screen shots of. Kate was warning him to focus on his now adult daughter. Who he had apparently been leaning on. The other adult daughter had cut him off.

A week later louise on his Facebook became single. For two weeks he shared and commented on everything Louise wrote. She got back with her ex. He left her alone.

About a month later he added Jenna to facebook. I already knew she was an ex school friend of his ex girlfriend. But he didn't explain why he had added her. He deleted her quickly when I asked why he was liking her half naked photos and then sending me suggestions to wear clothes similar to hers.

We fell out at this point.

Two weeks later he wanted to makr it right. So I listened. He told me I was insecure. He re-added me in Facebook. A woman called Linda had been added. Along with Jenna being re-added and three new girls millie and Jemma and stacey.

Linda was very interested in him. She seemed to suddenly know him as much as me. But she didn't live near us. I kept my eye on it. I watched him like the other threes photos. All blonde and way out of his league. I was hurt.

He started talking about Jodie all the time like he was stuck in the past. Then Emily was coming up. Emily by this point told me how he used her and broke her heart. They had sex for four months and he was starting a new life with her. But then his ex Jodie had contacted her to ask what was going on. Both women were played!

I started to get really annoyed at his attitude so I contacted Linda. "Who are you and how do you know Neil?"

Linda confirmed she was from a dating app and had been meeting up with Neil the last few months for sex. But he didn't want a relationship with her so they were now mates.

I dump Neil. But I find out through friends he's really eyeing up Millie. Millie gets comments on all her photos. He tells an old school friend Stacey she's hot. Another old school friend Claire is allover his photos. He's added a new lady Sammy who is liking his stuff. Then Caroline his old friend is suddenly getting lovehearts on her photos.

Neil unblocks me occasionally and then blocks me again.

This is aload of waffle but this is literally what it was like. I'm trying to make you understand the exhausting continued patterns won't stop. Look how many women Neil's hurt or lost. He still doesn't give a f!!! He sees women as objects.

His ex is trauma bonded to him. She can't get away. He attempted suicide when Jodie got sick of him. So I think she stays for that. He triangulated me and Jodie. Emily was brought up all the time because he was still messaging her when he was with me. He never gave her up despite telling me she's a stalking weirdo.

He was screwing Linda whilst I was trying to make sense of loosing him. He came back claiming he never stopped loving me and hadn't met anyone at all since we stopped speaking.

I could pour my heart out to him. Message him. But what's the point. He is always looking elsewhere. Before he unblocked me today he was writing on Millie's photo how amazing she looks.

Just keep going forwards now. You can join Me. I'm six weeks on now. I'm not going back. He can stay in the past where he belongs. He's hurt me too much.

love15 · 18/07/2021 14:06

I'm so stuck right now... im not happy there but then im so panicked about the future! I've said it before, I can't imagine feeling ok and settled one day?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 14:51

@love15

I'm so stuck right now... im not happy there but then im so panicked about the future! I've said it before, I can't imagine feeling ok and settled one day?

you've actually done so well this far.. I know it doesn't feel like it but you really have... the pain and the anxiety does ease given time ..

try not to think too far ahead right now.. focus on each day as it comes.. 🌸

category12 · 18/07/2021 15:59

@love15

How many people do you know that left one relationship and have never found another? Especially at your age? Please list them.

What makes you so awful and unloveable that your only possible partner for the rest of your life is someone who treats you like crap? I can understand that your self-esteem has taken a beating, but really, are you that worthless?

Lachimolala · 18/07/2021 18:36

@love15

I'm so stuck right now... im not happy there but then im so panicked about the future! I've said it before, I can't imagine feeling ok and settled one day?
You will be okay @love15 pretty soon all this will be a distant memory, all this is just the trauma bond doing it’s thing. Once you’ve broken it you will be so bemused you ever felt like this!

Trust me, I tried to leave for two years and the trauma bond sucked me back in. It’s now bee 6/7 months since I finally left and I kick myself for not doing it sooner! The first few months were the hardest and I had many wobbles, was incredibly stressed and lonely and worried about finding love again like you. But now I’m so happy, I feel so much lighter and most importantly I feel FREE.

You can’t put a price on how I feel now to how I felt this time last year, it’s priceless. Stick it out and keep yourself busy, you will make it through this I promise.

Itried88 · 18/07/2021 19:04

The first few months are definitely the hardest. But that doesn't mean waking up miserable everyday.

I had a few weeks of feeling how you do. Then I had a week of feeling good. Then I'd have a couple of wobbly days. Then a few days of feeling good.
Now I simply don't like him. I think about him. But i don't need him. Yes he annoys me. I hate the fact he gets to compliment other women. I think he should be banned from bothering females. But that's not a thing that exists. So my biggest beef with him now is him having no guilt and continuing the same pattern of seeing what he can get.

It would be weird if you felt amazing right now. But take your time. Appreciate the small things . Buy yourself some new things. I got myself earrings and candles to reward myself. Turn a couple of new ornaments. Then a new top. It's good to treat yourself.
Also try and look for the small things that you find peace.

I remember last month having a cup of coffee on a sunny morning. Just flicked my kettle on and thought god it's so lovely not having to deal with him. I sat down in peace. Drank my drink and felt thankful I was no longer waking up thinking about what mood he was going to be in. What he was going to hurt me with this week. Having to listen to him talking about his ex.

You need to find the happiness inside of you. That means paying attention to yourself.

Councilling.
Therapy.
Relaxation.
Walks and exercise.
Podcasts.
Books.
New hobbies.
Read up on emotional abuse and narcissists.
Little baby steps to heal.

Put all your love and energy into yourself.

Your partner/ ex is a horrible pig. He knows what he's doing. Let him get on with his flirting. He's going to end up alone and you will end up finding a much better man. He might move on quicker than you because he's easy and anything with a pulse will do the trick. You have standards.

Make sure you always respect yourself even if it hurts.

Not sure if you know of Diana Ross. She did a song called do you know? Listen to the lyrics. That appeared on the radio the day I was ditched. I felt like it was a sign. I cried my eyes eyes out. But I needed to wake up and so do you.

This pain you are feeling will turn back Into an anxious feeling and insecurity if you go back. So if you go back you'll e penitence a temporary high followed by familiar feelings of regret, anxiety and nerves . You will never trust him again now. So you'll be miserable.

I'd rather take the next couple of months of sadness. Humans adapt quickly. The more time goes on the more your heart will heal and you'll be open to the idea of someone new. You'll get used to your new routine and life. Without the games. You have got used to playing his games now. They are unhealthy.

I wish you all the best. But please don't go back. Think of your daughter and your future. The longer you stick in his world the more time you'll waste. He made his choice. He chose other women.

Itried88 · 18/07/2021 19:06

Sorry for the errors. My new phone likes to change words.

0DETTE · 18/07/2021 19:52

You need to find the happiness inside of you. That means paying attention to yourself

Councilling.
Therapy.
Relaxation.
Walks and exercise.
Podcasts.
Books.
New hobbies.
Read up on emotional abuse and narcissists.
Little baby steps to heal.

Put all your love and energy into yourself

This is excellent advice. Focus on healing and looking aftre yourself and DD.
Work hard and build your career.
Get a place of your own.

Do not I repeat NOT date anyone. No FWB. Nothing. You need to fix your picker first and that’s going to take time and hard work.

You don’t need another man to be “ settled “ and happy. You need to make a good life for you and your child first .