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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

261 replies

love15 · 07/07/2021 12:12

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

OP posts:
category12 · 16/07/2021 13:31

You are effectively on your own emotionally even when you're with him, though. Worse than on your own, because you're always waiting for the next shit thing he does.

It can be addictive, living with high levels of stress and intermittent reinforcement. You might want to look into co-dependence.

You will never have the kind of family life you want with this man, because you can't trust him and he treats you badly. And he's shown you he'll do it again and again and again. You'll never have it with him.

You have a golden opportunity now you have left to find and make the family life you want with someone else.

PearlNextDoor · 16/07/2021 13:39

Im sure your little one is fine with just you though. Dont try and force a new routine. Just establist yrslf and see how that dust settles. Minimally im betting.

Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 13:41

He's trying to say he isn't ready to talk to me yet?

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 13:41

...as in where we go from here? x

OP posts:
category12 · 16/07/2021 13:45

As in he's trying to suck you back in and isn't above using contact with dd as a weapon. Which makes him still the shitbag you know he is.

I feel like you're going to turn round and go right back to him, and in a couple of month's time be crying over his faithless hound-doggery again.

Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 13:49

Trust me I'm definitely forcing myself to stay strong... I guess my comments on here are helping me understand the situation through a very messed up mind and emotions right now x

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 13:49

My comment below on understanding why he has messaged me this... is me trying to understand why or how he can turn this around and say we 'both' might decide this isn't working? Like I've done something wrong? Or he's admitting he can't change I don't know?

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 16/07/2021 13:55

This is hard. Walking away from a manipulative guilt-tripping entitled user is NOT easy

BrioLover · 16/07/2021 14:20

Hi OP. My best friend went through this at 35. One DS, never got married and lived in his house. She did everything but despite being the mother of his child and the apparent 'love of his life' he never did a thing to protect her financially and then tried to blame his cheating on her. Unbelievable. She's now 5 years on, has the most wonderful husband (who clearly wanted to protect her as they were building a life together) and a 1 year old as well as her fab DS. Funnily enough her DS is seeing less and less of his dad because he can see he's actually a manipulative dickhead.

Don't go back. He's already trying to twist things. He's not even truly apologised for messaging other women. Give it time and you will feel better.

You said you have a deposit saved up for a home already - can you talk with your mum about timelines for moving into your own little home with DD? I expect that by Christmas you will be amazed by how much better you feel. No more wondering what your twat of an exP is doing behind your back. No more spying on his phone. No more doing everything and getting fuck all back. This was not a healthy relationship.

BrioLover · 16/07/2021 14:21

*sorry in my first paragraph I meant my friend's new DH wanted to financially protect her as they were building a life together

Herecomesthesun70 · 16/07/2021 14:22

I started again. Left DD Dad at 37 before she was born. Met DH and now been married a few years. You deserve better than someone who messages woman and sends them pics. It's disrespectful and pathetic

Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 14:22

Thank you @BrioLover - did your friend have to move back to her mums too? x

OP posts:
Yasyasyasyasyasyas · 16/07/2021 14:38

@love15

Had anyone else been here? Early 30's... did you start again and find happiness? Is 33 too old to even think about meeting someone nee and having more children etc? Finding a nice home...x
I didn't meet my now husband till I was 32. Before then I was so depressed and lonely, now my life is my dream - beautiful home and husband who adores me. Don't worry about feeling old or that you are running out of time. You will meet the right person when it's meant to be. I PROMISE you will feel better one day, till then just take it a day at a time and be proud that you have walked away from such a worthless man
Hawtain86 · 16/07/2021 14:44

Ugh what a pig you need to get out of there. I did the same thing at 33 had to move in with my mum with my son. It was his house too and I left with nothing so had to start all again. It was so worth it though. I ended up getting a better job. Luckily my mum didn’t charge me rent so I could save up for house deposit. It all worked out for the better. The only way is up from that xx

Meme2019 · 16/07/2021 15:06

Man it's so sad reading posts like this. I always wonder if being with someone who doesn't respect or love you really scarier than being alone, more importantly what are you teaching your DD. If you love yourself, you would never allow someone in your life that doesn't respect you or love you.

In your situation you lucky that you have family to fall back on and support you, and sounds like you can financially support yourself so really why would you allow someone yo disrespect you like this.

QueenBee52 · 16/07/2021 15:23

Ooh he's a twat ...

Get your CMS claim IN TODAY 🌸

Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 15:39

@Hawtain86 - I'm so glad things worked out for you. Have you met anyone new? You all give me so much hope x

OP posts:
BrioLover · 16/07/2021 15:49

@love15 yep she went back to her mum's too. Ended up changing jobs because her ex had convinced her that part time was the only way (basically he didn't contribute to childcare) so with her mum's support went full time and then saved a deposit for a rental. She looks back now and wonders why she had such a low opinion of herself, and why she put up with her ex's shit for so long. She wasn't looking for a relationship when she met her now DH and had learned to be happy by herself (she also made sure that her DS was happy with her new DH - she'd never have moved forward if her DS wasn't in agreement too).

PearlNextDoor · 16/07/2021 17:10

I never found love again but im still happy. I have my own house, good job, savings, pension !! Friends! Freedom. Teenagers doing well. Thank god i left. If he'd kicked me out on his schedule id have nothing and id be too old to start saving for a house.
Meeting somebody else can be good but it is not the be and end all.

Leave because you know that being single is infinitely better than the wrong relationship.

💐

Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 19:21

I think I have an issue with change... it scares the hell out of me!

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/07/2021 19:29

Scares most of us love, but you can’t keep on like this and change in your case will bring hope.

Deep breath, keep breathing and keep putting one foot in front of the other

Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 20:30

Honestly life can be so hard... I just want to go home. Not to him, but that house is my home - it's where all my belongings are and my daughters belongings too. My mums doesn't feel like home to me x

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 21:06

@Hawtain86 - have you found love again?

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 16/07/2021 21:06

@Herecomesthesun70 - did you have anymore dc?

OP posts:
Herecomesthesun70 · 16/07/2021 21:10

[quote love15]@Herecomesthesun70 - did you have anymore dc? [/quote]
No. I was 38 having my DD and DH had 2 already. We just enjoyed each other.
It can happen you're still young. You don't need to put up with his disrespectful behaviour. That won't make you happy for the rest of your life. Find someone who treasures you every day