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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

261 replies

love15 · 07/07/2021 12:12

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

OP posts:
Phrowzunn · 07/07/2021 13:13

You are using your daughter as an excuse not to leave but she is exactly why you should leave. Think long term - she is going to be a woman one day and she will have learned from you what to look for in a relationship, where she should position herself in terms of expectations from a partner, what she is worth etc. What would you tell her to do if she was in this situation?

inappropriateraspberry · 07/07/2021 13:17

Just tell him you don't love him anymore and leave. You don't him explanations, reasons or excuses. I'm sure he'll work it out for himself!

inappropriateraspberry · 07/07/2021 13:20

You don't OWE him any explanations..

Sandra15 · 07/07/2021 13:32

Whoever these other women are, they must be thick as mince if they respond to his childish comments. He sounds about 12.

Doghead · 07/07/2021 13:49

You don't tell him anything. You just get yourself out of there. He's a disrespectful loser and you know you deserve better. He doesn't deserve any explanation other than you're not prepared to be treated like crap anymore.

Original poster
love15 · 07/07/2021 13:57

Thank you Thanks

Why do some men act like this? Is it drugs? Is that nothing is ever enough? They crave attention? I just don't get it?!

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 14:04

The right thing to do for your daughter is to ensure that you do not set the example that it's a woman's duty to stay with an untrustworthy partner.

It doesn't matter why some men act like this. You're not dealing with a concept - you're dealing with the way someone is behaving in your life, and impacting on you.

Would you ever do what he's doing? If not, it is never going to make sense to you. Don't look for logic or motivation, because he's not using the same standards as you. If you are able to understand (ie justify) his behaviour, you are one step closer to being like him. Do you want to be more like him? If not, be pleased that you don't understand.

Exeplify for your daughter that wronged women have the self respect to leave. It will provide her with the education she needs to form healthy relationships in the future, and to refuse to have her boundaries crossed.

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 14:06

Leave first and tell him afterwards. You don't need his permission to end it. A marriage or relationship is over when one participant says so. Both have to be committed for it to continue.

In your head, you left a long time ago.

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 14:08

And you don't need to understand him before you leave him, either. You just need to decide you've had enough.

If you want some insights, though, I recommend you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

2bazookas · 07/07/2021 14:19

How to tell him? I suggest " BYEEEE".

After his history, he knows why. You owe him no excuses, apologies or explanations for your departure.

VettiyaIruken · 07/07/2021 14:25

@love15

Thank you Thanks

Why do some men act like this? Is it drugs? Is that nothing is ever enough? They crave attention? I just don't get it?!

Some people are twats.
TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 14:29

With regard to telling him, talk only about your feelings. Tell him you've been feeling uncomfortable in the relationship, something is making you feel insecure, something is making you uncomfortable, and you just don't want that feeling in your life. He can't argue or defend himself against your feelings. He can't tell you that your feelings are wrong.

DO NOT MENTION WHAT HE DID WRONG. Not only does this save you from having to admit you snooped, but also, it means that you fully avoid any of the 'Yes you did' 'No I didn't' conversations, or him trying to defend or justify his behaviour.

Hagqueen · 07/07/2021 14:30

I would without hesitation move home to mum’s.

He has no respect for you, so make sure you have some for yourself. Moving home at 33 with a plan (you’ve got your job and deposit) is far more dignified than sitting in that house with a man who continually lies and cheats.

Jonjojobs123 · 07/07/2021 14:42

Sorry op, how sh*t

I think the fact you sit there reading them and you haven't reacted so far is proof enough the relationship is done but i get the fear of the unknown.

On another note why do these men do this? I have one particular bloke who messages me on fb every now and then. Hes a good friends husband. I have never responded and i delete them as soon as i see them but he'll send something like 'you're hot' just completely out of the blue. Never said anything to me or acted in anyway inappropriately with me face to face, its like it never happens??

ElizabethTudor · 07/07/2021 14:46

What would I do?
I’d leave by stealth ... prepare in advance, slowly move stuff to your Mum’s. Then leave for good, but on the pretext of another night at your Mum’s.
Then I’d send him a FB message :
“OI OI - you can now send as many FB messages to as many woman as you like, whenever you like. As me and DD will not be returning. Ciao ciao”

ElizabethTudor · 07/07/2021 14:47

And no, it’s not drugs. He’s just a twat.

Coyoacan · 07/07/2021 14:52

She's 6 and she adores him

It is much easier for younger children to adapt to their parents separating than it is for older childen. Your relationship is obviously going to fail sooner or later, so it is better than it be sooner for everyone involved.

I do sympathise though, OP. Change is hard.

singlehun · 07/07/2021 14:53

She adores him now but she won't when she gets older and sees for herself what he's like. Then she'll wonder why you stayed

Calmdown14 · 07/07/2021 14:57

I agree with the person who said don't look at this as doing harm to your daughter but setting her the right example.
Would you want this relationship for her?
Leave now. The older she gets the harder it will become. She's very adaptable and in the long run better to just say it's not working, let's remain civil before it reaches the stage you can't even look at him.

infinitemadness · 07/07/2021 15:03

@love15

Thank you Thanks

Why do some men act like this? Is it drugs? Is that nothing is ever enough? They crave attention? I just don't get it?!

Because they can.

Not down to drugs no, it's attention seeking/ ego massaging and really just a bit pathetic.

Seems to have almost become a culture amongst certain men, probably down to porn and online dating/ social media being so easy to access.

You deserve better

AmberIsACertainty · 07/07/2021 15:07

I wouldn't give him a reason. He doesn't show respect to you so he doesn't deserve to get any from you either. That's how I see it. I'd say something generic like the relationship isn't working for you any more and I'd do it only when you're ready to make the break not in advance of that point. Again, it's about respect. You can't trust this man to do the right thing, so minimise his chance to do the wrong thing by telling him it's over as last minute as possible. Who cares if it comes as a shock? #1 it shouldn't, given his behaviour and #2 I'm sure you were shocked to find out the sort of person he is. Who cares if it leaves him up a creek without a paddle? I'm sure when you decided to have a child with him you didn't envision a situation where he's so awful you'd need to leave and be a single parent with all the difficulty that brings.

In an ideal world do you want to stay in the family home? That's going to depend on who owns it, is it rented whose name is on the tenancy, are you married etc . That's probably the first situation to figure out what's viable because then you know if you need to look for somewhere else live.

If you leave options include council flat, private rental, staying with family, purchasing. Decide what's the best option then look into what needs to be in place to make it happen. Eg can stay at mums but not much room for possessions so need storage unit or to sell it all. Eg if you have to leave family home and you're officially homeless and need to register with council but won't be considered homeless if you're staying with mum so need to stay put until eviction. Eg need to find private landlord who accepted benefits tenants or need a job before house hunting. Eg if you own the home and needs to sell it so you can both have somewhere else, get valuations as a starting point.

You need to get copies of his (or joint) bank statements , savings accounts and payslips etc for divorce or child maintenance. Check out your potential eligibility for benefits and decide also if you need a job or to change jobs or increase hours.

Look into childcare options and help with costs, if you're going to need that.

If you're going to be leaving the family home, start decluttering and moving your possessions to your mum's if she'll let you store things there.

AmberIsACertainty · 07/07/2021 15:12

have one particular bloke who messages me on fb every now and then. Hes a good friends husband. I have never responded and i delete them as soon as i see them but he'll send something like 'you're hot' just completely out of the blue. Never said anything to me or acted in anyway inappropriately with me face to face, its like it never happens??

I'd block him.

1forAll74 · 07/07/2021 15:13

You must plan to leave. Think it through. and surely you will see how pointless it is staying with this immature waster of a man. You can get over being worried and scared about leaving, and starting anew. Just imagine being free and having a more pleasant way of life each day.

Lots of people find it hard to break away from a rubbish relationship, as it brings new challenges all over, but it will eventually be, the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

Your partner seems to be very childish with his FB pursuits, I would not even confront him about it, it's all a bit pathetic.

ginghamtablecloths · 07/07/2021 15:15

It rubbish having to stay with your mum but it is worse rubbish to stay with this situation.

PurpleRainDancer · 07/07/2021 15:17

@love15

Thank you for reply.

I get so angry at myself for not being that women in 9 years that has the strength to just walk away.

I feel ready now but it doesn't mean the anxiety isn't cutting deep and the insecurities aren't there.

I never wanted this for my DD, and it just hurts that here I am in this position.

You deserve better than this OP. Take some legal advice about where you stand financially.