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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

261 replies

love15 · 07/07/2021 12:12

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 18/07/2021 21:24

I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow..

OP posts:
opinionminion · 18/07/2021 21:32

Itried88
I will cherish your words.

Original poster
love15 · 18/07/2021 21:33

Thank you so much @Itried88 - honestly. And to every single one of you. I keep reading these messages over and over x

OP posts:
Kevinbaconsrealwife · 18/07/2021 21:50

Oh sweetheart, youve had so much fabulous , sound advice I’ve got nothing new top add but what I will say is I was widowed at your age...33 I was....I never thought I would be able to raise my head and smile again...never imagined a time that I would love and be loved again....but I did and I was.....it took a bit of time but with hindsight I’m glad it was a couple of years before I met the lovely man whom I married as I needed to dig deep and start to heal myself - and be kind and gentle to myself-.... you have been through a horrible experience , please believe you are worth so much more than this total sack of shit....deep breaths and sending gentle hugs to you and DD...

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 18/07/2021 21:51

** to add, not top add xx

Itried88 · 19/07/2021 08:37

It always feels like everything is the wrong way round in these situations.

You feel rubbish. You feel not good enough. You are trying to figure out what you could do. Because if only he could change. Realise. Appreciate. Stop. It ends up with you feeling like you wish you was prettier and funnier and more confident. Because then he wouldn't notice these other women. But none of that is the case. It's his problems and it all lies within him. The hardest part to do is to realise that you are good enough. You are too good for him. You are just unlucky you stumbled across one of these men. But they are allowed allowed walk the streets because they are not classed as a danger to people. It's funny because my Ex was a danger to people. He's left one women on antidepressants and has other women he's humiliated and Hurt. It was all done emotionally. So nobody sees it. But why should he get to ruin peoples lives. When I see him chasing after beautiful blondes ten years younger I end up feeling so mad. Because it feels like he keeps aiming higher and higher. But like my therapist said. Not all of these women will fall for him and the ones that do won't get any better. He can only keep his act up for so long before his real self starts to show. Again a hard part is separating the fake from the real. For me it was like two separate people. I still think where the heck did that lovely man go that I felt so safe with? He had a way with me like no other had ever had. But I know now he knew what he was doing and actually that was a mask that slipped.

Did he put you down? Gaslight you etc? Just wondering if he's done abit of narcissists stuff on you. Not saying he's one. But they work in a pattern that will leave you very very confused. If that's what is going on here it's not wonder you feel so mixed up.

Please let us know how today goes. Maybe get yourself a reward later even if its a yummy box of chocolates. Remember everyday to do something for you. It's all about you now. Not him and you are going to get the things you deserve and the life you want.

Sending you a hug. Has he contacted you anymore?

Original poster
love15 · 19/07/2021 18:57

Thank you @Itried88 - I had my first counselling session today. I always knew it would come back to my parents relationship (me having attachment issues) so that wasn't a surprise. She mentioned that I may have 'generalised anxiety' too - meaning the world always seems a scary place. You then mix that with a broken heart and no wonder I panic! She suggested that couples counselling could be something to consider if I truly want to try? But I'm just not sure? I have another session next week too so I'll keep these up! Oh, she said it's possible he has ADHD and clearly addiction issues (women, drink, drugs!) x

OP posts:
category12 · 19/07/2021 19:11

Where did you dig her up from? Sounds well dodgy to be suggesting possible diagnoses for someone she hasn't met.

What's he doing while you're going into therapy and considering relationship counselling?

category12 · 19/07/2021 19:25

What I'm trying to get at, is that even if he does have these problems, is he even interested in addressing them?

He's blamed drink and said he'll get help if you think that would make a difference - that's not exactly acting like he's devastated and desperate to fix himself with or without you.

To conquer addiction issues, he has to really want to do it, for himself.

You can't do it for him. He has to really want it.

And frankly I'm not getting the sense that he's that bothered that you're gone, nor that he has any genuine heartfelt motivation for change.

Original poster
love15 · 19/07/2021 19:46

@category12 - yeah I really don't know how to take he's feeling? He messaged every night to say goodnight and that he loves me. He briefly saw me and DD on Saturday as I had to get her swimming stuff. That was hard. He messaged after that he was really happy he got to see us both...

OP posts:
category12 · 19/07/2021 19:53

Not exactly beating down your door, is he? Can't you see how minimal the effort of texting I love you at night is?

Do you remember how you posted about how he put off seeing your dd?

What he's doing is absolutely minimal, and he's basically just waiting for you to give up and go back, like I presume you've done before.

Itried88 · 19/07/2021 22:28

Imagine how long it's going to take for him to remove all 3 bad habits from his life and turn it around.

Nobody can force someone to change. He's got to want it for himself. He chooses to drink knowing it changes him. He takes drugs even though he's a dad. He chooses to hurt you emotionally so he can get women to fuss him.

He would need to give up social media. Stay off all platforms that could lead him to flirt, cheat and lie.
Get therapy.
Quit drinking and ideally go to aa meetings or have a sponsor.
Drugs are another difficult thing to quit.

I'm not judging you as my ex was a dry drunk with an obsession for women. He also took prescribed opiates but never took them safely. But its not very appealing is it?

I would much rather be with a nice stable man. I'm at the stage of life now after the last idiot I was with where I just want a good guy. someone kind. Sweet. Funny. Honest. Easy to talk too. I want to build a home with someone and have a nice little garden that we do together. I want someone stable and solid.

I cried so many times over my ex and his behaviour. I bet he's made you cry more times than you can count? You've had enough of that rubbish and you deserve so much more. You need to give it time to feel better and stick to not going back to him. There's no way he's going to sort himself out anytime soon..if he does plan on changing its going to take him years!

Well done on your first session. Keep it up x

QueenBee52 · 19/07/2021 22:36

Sorry to be harsh, but he's a waste of space.

Imagine how many woman, he is messaging, now he is sat at home alone, with all the time in the world. All you get is a good morning and good night.

You cannot enter into Therapy with this man.

Stick with the Therapy yourself, find your strength dignity and self respect.

Glad your Session went well Flowers

Original poster
love15 · 20/07/2021 06:32

The second I wake up.. my heart sinks and the anxiety kicks in.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/07/2021 06:41

You realise your anxiety has probably been caused in great part by living with someone you cannot trust? Certainly can't have helped, can it? Wink

Anxiety is like your own internal abuser - it makes threats and promises and it lies to you. It wants you to take the path you know even though it's bad for you, because it starts to lose its power if you do.

Sit with it, breathe through it, you can beat it.

category12 · 20/07/2021 06:44

Don't not do, typo.

Itried88 · 20/07/2021 07:20

The sinking feeling when you wake up again is normal. You are just days into this. You have years of hurt to work through. Don't expect to feel good right away. It's a gradual thing that will take a while.

I still think of mine everyday several times. But I know it's not forever. It's just a big thing that happened to me. I think about all the unfair things he did. I no longer think of him in a sexual or loving way. It's more a why did he do that and what's wrong with him.

Emotional abuse is incredibly hard to get over. Being around toxic people is very damaging.

Anyone who has a family member who's a drinker will tell you how miserable it is.

Cheats never stop. It's just the way they are. He will be a cringey 50 year old man one day trying to pull women in their early 30s. It's all about sex and what he can get a woman to shoe him.

He lacks emotionally. When you love your partner you don't constantly feel the need to be online trying to find people. These women will know he has a child and you. They will be thinking that woman is so stupid putting up with him. His poor child. What a horrible man playing his partner. He obviously can't see how women actually operate. Men like him are disgusting.

Keep strong. He's broken your heart let it mend. X

Original poster
love15 · 20/07/2021 07:28

@Itried88 - thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 20/07/2021 07:28

@category12 - thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 22/07/2021 11:55

AAARRRGHHHHH....

OP posts:
zippityzip · 22/07/2021 11:59

@love15 are you ok?

HeartShapedBalloon · 22/07/2021 12:07

@love15

Had anyone else been here? Early 30's... did you start again and find happiness? Is 33 too old to even think about meeting someone nee and having more children etc? Finding a nice home...x
I met my second husband when I was 34, had DC at 35.
Original poster
love15 · 22/07/2021 12:12

I just hate this anxiety and uncertainty- I Can't relax or think straight x

OP posts:
Original poster
love15 · 22/07/2021 12:28

Feel sick all the time and just want to sleep x

OP posts:
category12 · 22/07/2021 12:37

It'll pass - can you speak to your gp?