Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

[love15]

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

I'm also out of a similar situation. 2 years later, so much happier. Loved being single for a while, got my confidence back and have now met a lovely man who treats me exactly as I wanted all those wasted years.
You can do it too x

@Rainydayss - did you really struggle at first when you split from your ex? Did you have children? x

@love15

Hey everyone.. Really appreciate your messages.

I haven't heard from him, but I feel sick, I can't eat and I just keep looking at my DD thinking how much it's going to devastate her to not have life with both of us everyday.

I just don't know what think right now I hate this feeling!!

Listen love, you have to stop the catastrophisation

Your dd won’t be devastated, she will be fine. You’re young and you’re acknowledging that you deserve better than a lying cheating no hoper.

If anything what you’ve done will help her learn how important it is to have standards and to value yourself

I know you’re scared, that’s perfectly normal. There’s more “unknown” in your life than you would want

But it won’t always be like this. You’ll get a routine

You have a supportive family

That’s worth diamonds and gold! Some of us had abusive idiots as partners and really shit unsupportive family, who side with the abuser and not their daughter/sibling.

You will get through this, you’re not alone, you have the family, you have us too.

The one thing you’re doing that will make the most positive change is leaving this awful man.

He’s a fool, but you’d be a bigger one for going back.

You have a chance to lead a happier life now, grab it with both hands

When I split from my ds dad the mental side of things was terrible, ok so he’d gone, left the country so in some ways it was easier, but I honestly felt like the biggest idiot who had ever walked the earth.

10 years on- living a complete dream of a life.

I didn’t even have my ds until I was 38, so trust me, you have time

So heal, breathe, cry if you need to, but keep walking forward in your life. There is hope ahead, behind you is a life of suspicion, stress and sadness

Well the situation was a bit different in terms of I fell out of love with him long before we split through lack of effort/respect. Initially the first few days felt strange and I had doubts, mainly due to uncertainly and how I would be, however once I sorted the logistics (money, house etc)....after about a week I felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. Little things helped me move forward (painting bedroom, new bedding, buying shoes he would hate etc). Plus friends were very supportive.

It was only after we split I found out what he had been up to (double life almost!) so that put the nail in the coffin and helped the sense of relief. I had counselling which also helped a great deal, it helped me work through my own issues on lack of self esteem/confidence and to confirm that yes, I could do better. I feel great now, dress better, look better and feel completely independent. I learnt about boundaries which I wish someone had told me as a teenager and how I wouldn't tolerate certain things in my life now. (good book I can recommend).
33 is so young to start again (Im 45) , potentially you could be happy for another 50+ years and you'll look back at him in years to come as a very small chapter in your life.

This is what is so strange... I was so confident last week that I didn't want to be with him. Too much had happened and was happening. I could see a bright future, knew that being at my mums was just a stop gap and wouldn't be the situation forever. And I believed there was someone out there who would make me happy.

Now I've removed myself from the situation and said I need some time away... it all feels like the feelings above are something I can't even begin to imagine I ever felt?

He's obviously messaged to say he loves me. That he's ashamed, that it's drunk that causes him to do these things. That he'll get some help etc if that's what I think is the solution.

Such a strange time... I feel totally lost and the world suddenly feels like a scary place! I keep picturing all the good times, us and our DD..

@love15

This is what is so strange... I was so confident last week that I didn't want to be with him. Too much had happened and was happening. I could see a bright future, knew that being at my mums was just a stop gap and wouldn't be the situation forever. And I believed there was someone out there who would make me happy.

Now I've removed myself from the situation and said I need some time away... it all feels like the feelings above are something I can't even begin to imagine I ever felt?

He's obviously messaged to say he loves me. That he's ashamed, that it's drunk that causes him to do these things. That he'll get some help etc if that's what I think is the solution.

Such a strange time... I feel totally lost and the world suddenly feels like a scary place! I keep picturing all the good times, us and our DD..

He'll get help if that's what YOU think is the solution? You see what he's doing there? He's putting it back on you and making it your problem to resolve, not his. If he was serious about getting help he'd be doing it of his own back because it's what HE thinks is the solution.

The doubt is probably from his emotional manipulation, I have had this years ago with exDH and I stayed out of guilt and fear of the unknown...and wasted more years of my life. Its an emotional rollercoaster but you'll come out of it ok - you just need to acknowledge that you'll have a range of emotions.

That he's ashamed, that it's drunk that causes him to do these things. That he'll get some help etc if that's what I think is the solution.

he's a cheeky git...

blaming alcohol.. bollocks, he does it because he wants to do it.. blaming the alcohol puts distance between himself and his shady actions..

He'll get help if YOU think that is the solution... jesus christ it gets worse, he's not even accepting any responsibility for his shady actions.. nothing is his fault.. poor me you need to fix me from chasing all these other women..

what a disgusting weak pathetic cringer he is... he is desperately trying to manipulate you and I hope he is failing...

imagine your dearest best friend was in this situation... what advice would you give her....

hold your head up high and see this loser for who and what he is... 🌸

His intentions have slipped out in the words he's chosen .
He has as good as admitted there that he could try to change but hasnt SO FAR because it's what he thinks you want. He doesnt want to change himself. He's putting it back on you now. He'd be trying to change for YOU. Arghhh

What a prince :-/

He said he's a sociable person... it's just flirting?

Been here once in a long term relationship and once in a shorter term dating phase. Both had almost an endless supply of women to message and they did it regardless of my feelings. They didn't care about me enough to not hurt me. That's the bottom line.

When you remove men like this from your life you feel better. Because you have been feeling so rubbish from never knowing what they are up too. You still grieve the relationship but I know I sat there and thought I'm still getting over stuff but I feel so much better not having to deal with it anymore.

I was having to do almost daily Facebook searches to see who he was trying to attract that week. It was miserable. He even shagged one from tinder. I thought wow thanks alot. Any old woman will do when I'm right here offering him my whole heart and life.

They don't tend to change these patterns. The one I was involved with for 6 months had an ex that was obviously the love of his life. But he could not give up his flirting snd chasing. He lost her in the end. Absolutely broke him to loose her. But did he learn? Nope! He met me and two other women in the first 2 years after her. Did the same to all of us. Since me he's had the tinder woman. He's added several women since her too. Usually blonde. He claimed blondes did nothing for him as I'm brunette. But he's clearly into them now.

The result of his behaviour is most his family don't like him anymore either.

Sending you a hug. You are really too good for him. He's too easy. Anyone who isn't fussed like that has low self esteem and needs constant compliments to feel more of a man. Just because they have to feel like they can still pull because that means they are not so bad right? They are just Pervy creeps. I'm so sorry he's done this to you though. X

@love15

He said he's a sociable person... it's just flirting?

okay... say this were true... (which it isn't)

look at what this 'social flirting' does to your mental health, to your emotions, to your well being..

you know as well as we ALL know.. he is wearing your boundaries down to accepting that he WILL continue to connect with other women for sex...

He is not even attempting to Stop betraying you.. he is minimising it to force you into accepting that this is normal....

it's NOT normal.. in a loving respectful caring relationship...

Please don't be the laughing stock of everyone who knows you both... because that's what you will be..

Look at your Child and imagine someone doing this to her.. in years to come.....

🌸

@Fairyxdance - can they change? Or am I being really stupid to even ask that?

Do men like this do this forever?

[quote love15]@Fairyxdance - can they change? Or am I being really stupid to even ask that?

Do men like this do this forever? [/quote]

No...

social media is here forever... so no this behaviour will never change..

He wont change, this is something he's being doing for a long period of his life .. walk away, any change from him will only be temporary or he will just get better at hiding it x

He's obviously messaged to say he loves me. That he's ashamed, that it's drunk that causes him to do these things. That he'll get some help etc if that's what I think is the solution.

He's ashamed he got caught.
Is he swearing off drink forever then?
So he'll get 'help' if you want, but he doesn't think he needs it.
Going back, if that's what you're considering, will just confirm to him he can do what he wants and nothing happens. Just has to say I love you and make some empty promises.

If he respected you, and valued you, he wouldn't even want to do it. He would notbe seeking other women's attention in that way. He only does it because he is permanently half-single in his head.

And of course you are confused and upset. The relationship you thought you had has just been declared dead. Just because you were also the medic on the scene who made the diagnosis, doesn't make it easier to deal with. It probably makes it harder.

But your diagnosis, sadly, was 100% correct.

... ok Sunday night he was saying let's have another baby, let's just do this properly and get married etc!

Why?!!!

On**

@candycane222

If he respected you, and valued you, he wouldn't even want to do it. He would notbe seeking other women's attention in that way. He only does it because he is permanently half-single in his head.

Spot on.

Instead of asking if someone could change, reframe it in your mind.

Do you think it's good for your mental health or for your daughters perception of relationships (which she is likely to use as a blueprint for her future relationships) to choose to remain with a man you have to persuade not to flirt with women and who needs help to stop doing something that repeatedly hurts you, help he hasn't ever actually got off his own back but is now saying he might if you want him to...?!

He's saying the bare minimum now to try and get you back. Once you're back you'll have reinforced that he can do whatever he wants, say he won't do it again, do it again and you'll always return eventually. Is that a dynamic you want your daughter to grow up having normalised?

He's an absolute, run of the mill, nothing special dickhead. There's no point over complicating this and trying to agonise over whether people like him can change / what the underlying cause is etc.

Your priority is your daughter and your own wellbeing. Being with someone who makes you insecure, anxious and confused is not healthy.

Stop focusing on him and start focusing on why you've put up with this to make sure it doesn't happen again. A counsellor could be a good way to talk through this and have a professional sit opposite you and say that yes, it's completely normal for this pattern behaviour to be a dealbreaker.

Staying for the kid(s) is unfair snd irresponsible of parents because it means shitty relationships are normalised to those kids who then go into adulthood replicating them and not knowing that couples should and can be kind, not hurt each other, not repeatedly do so, not lie all the time etc.

Don't take him back. He's an absolute run of the mill dickhead, like I said.

@love15

... ok Sunday night he was saying let's have another baby, let's just do this properly and get married etc!

Why?!!!

Because that's your role to him. The mother of his kids. Not a whole person with feelings that deserve to be respected and the agency to walk away. And having two kids together instead of one will make you feel more guilty about leaving, so he can get away with treating you poorly even more. And a baby keeps you distracted and busy while he acts out. And a baby makes you tired, being pregnant and post partum can hugely affect your sex life, the perfect way for him to continue this then blame it on that.

Honestly. He's a prick!!

@love15

... ok Sunday night he was saying let's have another baby, let's just do this properly and get married etc!

Why?!!!

because he's chucking crumbs at you to force you into falling back in line... and another baby brought into this ... insanity

I bet you do all the cooking cleaning laundry shopping... everything..

whilst he's online chatting up countless other women ...

THAT is what he wants back...

@QueenBee52 I do yes :( x