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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

261 replies

love15 · 07/07/2021 12:12

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

OP posts:
Mumstepmum · 11/07/2021 00:51

I know this is easy to say but what advice would you give to someone who came at you with this issue, if it was your daughter or a friend. I know that’s easier said than done but it always gives me a little clarity x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/07/2021 01:25

LEAVE!!!!!

You only have to stay with your Mum temporarily. I moved back in with mine when I was 40 after a relationship fell apart (now back on my on two feet again).

You do not have to put up with this crap. He sounds like a right sleazy little shit. Do you really want him around your daughter with the drug use and everything else?

PearlNextDoor · 11/07/2021 14:21

Same

princesslarmadrama · 11/07/2021 14:23

It is definitely the right thing. You deserve so much better. Good luck tomorrow morning!

Original poster
love15 · 12/07/2021 17:08

I told him.. I feel sick. He says he only wants me it was drunken innocent texts. I feel like my anxiety is through the roof and I feel heart broken!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/07/2021 17:23

Don’t fall for that shit

reader12 · 12/07/2021 17:34

Well done OP! Don’t falter. It was sleepy, disrespectful and insulting, and he can’t cancel that out by saying random crap now to try to guilt you into staying. Go go go! Your daughter needs a mum who shows her how to respect herself.

reader12 · 12/07/2021 17:34

*sleezy

NewlyGranny · 12/07/2021 18:21

Drunken, possibly. Innocent, no.

malteserheist · 12/07/2021 18:30

@love15

I told him.. I feel sick. He says he only wants me it was drunken innocent texts. I feel like my anxiety is through the roof and I feel heart broken!
Where are you now? Still there? When are you leaving?

You need to put distance between you and keep moving forward with your plan. He "wants you", sure, like a possession, but he doesn't care for you, respect you or love you. And you can't care for or respect yourself if you stay in this toxic mess.

Those painful emotions will subside but only if you keep moving yourself forward so you can process things and let those emotions drain out of your system.

Emotions come in waves - no matter how unbearable or unending they feel, they always subside and change - they do not last forever because the body cannot sustain the intensity for more than a limited period.

Otherwise if you go backwards again you keep yourself trapped in a loop of perpetual misery. Leaving - actually leaving not just talking about it or saying it to try and change him - is the only way life gets better for you.

Keep going forward. Talk to us.

PearlNextDoor · 12/07/2021 18:43

Stay on course op.
You deserve better than these drunken innocent 🙄texts.

DoingItMyself · 12/07/2021 18:47

Don't believe a word he says.
Stay firm.
Well done.

PearlNextDoor · 12/07/2021 18:50

You wouldnt do this afterall. If you loved and respected a man u wouldnt send out bait on fb

Amdone123 · 12/07/2021 19:02

How's it going op?

Original poster
love15 · 12/07/2021 19:40

Hey everyone.. Really appreciate your messages.

I haven't heard from him, but I feel sick, I can't eat and I just keep looking at my DD thinking how much it's going to devastate her to not have life with both of us everyday.

I just don't know what think right now I hate this feeling!!

OP posts:
Bassetlover · 12/07/2021 20:57

You've made the first positive move. You should be proud. It will be unsettling for your DD at first, but do you really want her to grow up with parents in a loveless relationship and with a man who so obviously has no respect for women and no respect for you? You are taking controlof yours and your daughter's lives. Stay strong!

Echobelly · 12/07/2021 20:59

Rip of the plaster and do it - you're well set up to do so and once you've gone I doubt you'll look back.

Original poster
love15 · 13/07/2021 12:02

Argh I don't know if I can do this!!!

OP posts:
MotherOfGremlins · 13/07/2021 12:13

What would you advise your daughter to do if she was in your situation?

Drinkingallthewine · 13/07/2021 12:31

@love15

Argh I don't know if I can do this!!!
If you can't, the alternative is going back, right?

He will not change, he'll just get smarter and hide his actions more. Meanwhile the years will tick by, your gut will gnaw at you because you know he's up to his old tricks but now you can't prove it. And you'll be bloody miserable.

He is not your happy ever after. You know this. And as long as you are waffling around with this wanker, you'll never find that lovely, loyal, kind, gorgeous man who IS your happy ever after....

OrchestraOfWankery · 13/07/2021 12:40

He hasn't contacted you about his DD? Asked to see her?

Too busy with drugs and messaging randoms and wanking over them no doubt.

starrynight87 · 13/07/2021 12:47

You did the right thing, your daughter just needs love and stability.

Inaseagull · 13/07/2021 12:55

EVERY TIME YOUR BACK IS TURNED.

Drugs, lies, cheating, disrespect.

Take another look through all the things you took screenshots of.

Stay strong, picture a bright future without all that crap.

Ruby0707 · 13/07/2021 13:16

So sorry you are going through this. I had an ex who did this. Your self esteem will be in tatters if you continue in this relationship.

You are doing the right thing and you can do this x

missmarplesapprentice · 13/07/2021 13:46

OP, you know you are making the right decision but it is a scary one. Any poster will agree that it is and has your back.

Just keep reminding yourself that you are NOT happy now and what examples does this set to your DD. You both do not deserve to be treated like this....drugs, cheats, lies?

As another PP said, keep looking at all the evidence you have collected. Make sure you have everything you both need and walk away with your head high. Yes, you might crumble and cry but so what, it will make you stronger. Your self-esteem is rock bottom so the only way is up and the only way to do that is without him.