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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everytime my back is turned.. how would you leave?

261 replies

love15 · 07/07/2021 12:12

We've had issues for 9 years since we've been together - we have DD.

Issues: Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Disrespect

Everytime I spend a night at my mums (generally to keep her company and my DD loves it) my partner is on Facebook messaging other women. Half the time he gets no response but it's things like "boo" "hello gorgeous" "oi oi" - just for the record I guessed his password and so I sit and watch him sending these messages from my phone.

I have to leave, it's more than time. But one, why do I find it so hard regardless of him being a complete and utter

How do I go about this? Tell him I've been looking at his Facebook and I've seen the message?

I'll have to go back to my mums for a while which at 33 is really rubbish!

None of this feels easy.

Advice needed xxx

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 07/07/2021 15:53

@love15

Thank you Thanks

Why do some men act like this? Is it drugs? Is that nothing is ever enough? They crave attention? I just don't get it?!

Some people (not just men) are stupid, idiotic, selfish and oblivious to the needs of others. Unfortunately you found one!
Fluffycloudland77 · 07/07/2021 16:06

He does it because you stay. He thinks he can do what he likes and so far you’ve proved him wrong.

TheFoundations · 07/07/2021 16:19

I thought my dad was amazing when I was 6. He's actually a manipulative abuser who used to beat my mum up. He's told me he's glad he had a child, but he wishes it wasn't me.

I wish my mum had left him when I was 6. I was raised to think that a man mistreating a woman was the norm. I used to aspire to a relationship where the best bits would be fighting and then forgiving. I was not given an example of what 'content' looked like.

I've sorted it all out for myself as an adult, but it took me a while to even realise that my view of relationships was unhealthy, so, all my relationships were traumatic until then. I quite probably would have had healthy relationships from the start, had my mum left my dad when I was 6.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/07/2021 16:23

I just pack my bags and go. No discussion, no negotiating. I've done it 3 times with different DPS. No one shits on me twice. Try it. It's easy.

AmberIsACertainty · 07/07/2021 17:40

@Dillydollydingdong

I just pack my bags and go. No discussion, no negotiating. I've done it 3 times with different DPS. No one shits on me twice. Try it. It's easy.
I agree that in some ways it's precarious not to be married, jointly own property or have your name on the tenancy. Buy having no ties makes it very easy to leave and I've been grateful for that circumstances myself in the past.
MondayYogurt · 07/07/2021 18:32

@love15

Thank you Thanks

Why do some men act like this? Is it drugs? Is that nothing is ever enough? They crave attention? I just don't get it?!

It's for him to figure out the reasons why, when (IF) he ever wants to. Not for you. But just generally, it's often because of what he may have learned early on. The same type of thing your daughter is learning.
PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 23:51

I left at 37 with two young dc, so I think you're in a good position.

From the moment you leave, every decision you make can have your needs and your best interests at heart. Every cent you save can be to feather your nest. It will be ok! Not overnight but you will be ok.

I think that the ''anaesthetic'' that we unconsciously administer to our psyches to help us endure the humiliations and indignities of a really bad relationship, they also paralyse us from taking steps to leave.

So it's hard, but do it. Once it's done, it's behind you. xx

KopparbergCazza · 07/07/2021 23:54

@Theunamedcat

Stealthily move out then say im staying at mums wait for him to start messaging women jump in on there conversation saying this is the reason why she left me I can't keep it in my pants you should see how many girls I message

OK probably not but I would be tempted

Get anything you value out and at your moms with your daughter then show him screenshots of his messages and tell him your leaving he will either let you or kick off so get what you value out first

I was thinking the exact same as you! If you know his password, start sending messages off his account. I am that fucking petty though.
Original poster
love15 · 08/07/2021 11:59

... it gets worse! Found on his iPhone he sent an explicit picture to his mums boss! WTF! I screen shot everything so I hope he's humiliated when I send them to him along with a photo of my bags!

I'm going to get my stuff together and get organised over the weekend then do it Monday morning!

OP posts:
TheBrynGhost · 08/07/2021 12:06

Good for you OP. Sometimes it takes a final straw doesn't it? Be prepared for him to minimise the fuck out of his behaviour though. Grow a tough skin starting now.

Original poster
love15 · 08/07/2021 12:20

.. I know. I feel sick!!! But I know this is the final nail in the coffin. He'll be a complete prick about it and no doubt it will somehow be my fault!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/07/2021 12:25

Doesn't matter what he thinks or says.

Grey rock him. "You contacting other women is unacceptable to me"

Down side of not being married is you have no claim on the house and no doubt you have been financially contributing as well as doing all the emotional support.

Onwards and upwards Thanks

TooBigForMyBoots · 08/07/2021 12:28

Does his mum know?Shock I would forward the picture to her @love15.

PearlNextDoor · 08/07/2021 12:32

Omg, OP, can you just stay with your mum until you get back on your feet.

There's nothing to be gained from returning.

HORRIFIED on his mum's behalf. She would be mortified if she knew.

PearlNextDoor · 08/07/2021 12:33

Screenshot the evidence, but I'd just tell him you don't want to be with him anymore and you're staying with your mum.

Don't even bother laying any ''charges'' that he can defend.

Mummyto4888 · 08/07/2021 12:43

Wow I don’t know how you’ve kept your cool so far. I’d be straight away screaming at him at the first sight of a message. You deserve so much better, just go, send the evidence and tell him, nobody deserves to be treated like that. Good luck

TheBrynGhost · 08/07/2021 12:46

I originally popped on to say that I don't think I would confront him over it. I think I would play him at his own game, move out and just say that the relationship isn't meeting your needs and you 'want more from life' . This way you get control. He will carry on his shitty behaviour with his next GF and your behaviour will have a really destabilising effect on him and have him scratching his head for years.

Loveabitofrain · 08/07/2021 12:51

I am where you are! Again! And I have kicked mine out for a second time. This time its for good. They don't change!

I could've written your post! Aren't they pathetic, attention seeking for any women that will engage! Its disrespectful, its selfish, its hurtful. They see it as silly banter!

I now know my anxiety was the thought of how I would cope. I am doing OK. Only a few days so far but I am OK. I was OK last year and I will be OK this year.

Some one mentioned on here its either stay and its hard, or leave and its hard. Leaving is the only option.

We deserve better than this.

You will get up and down days; thats OK. You will cry, thats OK; all part of the healing process. You've got this xx

Loveabitofrain · 08/07/2021 13:01

@TheBrynGhost

Good for you OP. Sometimes it takes a final straw doesn't it? Be prepared for him to minimise the fuck out of his behaviour though. Grow a tough skin starting now.
Ah classic! Yep my one used to send 'hey sexy' to his friends Mum (and she really wasn't sexy - bless her). He will likely kick off that you 'snooped'. They don't get the concept of our BS bells going off so we look to confirm our suspicions. Hey if you didn't do it there'd be nothing to see would there!!
Loveabitofrain · 08/07/2021 13:03

@love15 sorry that message above there was for you sorry @TheBrynGhost

Treacletoots · 08/07/2021 16:14

Go OP. The feeling of relief when you leave the house for good is better than anything 🙂

We're all behind you OP.

NowEvenBetter · 08/07/2021 18:42

There’s nothing to figure out and understand, he’s just a low quality, sub intellect failure of a man. Not worth a second thought, never mind throwing another decade of your life down the shitter for.

Original poster
love15 · 10/07/2021 21:05

Starting to feel really nervous! I've got this and it's the right thing..... right?

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 10/07/2021 21:28

It's normal to feel nervous! It doesn't mean you're wrong to leave.
It just means you're taking your own life seriously.

AmberIsACertainty · 11/07/2021 00:45

You're not happy with him. If you stay you'll continue to be not happy. If you leave you have the chance to shape your life and create happiness. You really can't lose.