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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New man hates himself. Advice please.

153 replies

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:02

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:

Wavypurple · 05/07/2021 15:07

Hi, you sound like a lovely person.
However what I will say is that be wary of the fact that you might be this man’s emotional crutch/unpaid therapist for a long time if you enter into a relationship. I’ve been there, done that.
Is he receiving professional help?
I think perhaps it’s best to avoid any kind of relationship until his mental health is better. It sounds as if he has some health issues to work through and it’s usually not a great time to enter into a relationship with someone.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2021 15:08

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

You can't fix this man.

ThePearlOfDumbarton · 05/07/2021 15:09

Bail now.

If he hates himself, that is a five year project for a good therapist and even then, only if he really committed to it.

You cannot make a man who hates himself love himself.
And a relationship with a man who hates himself will be hard work.

emmetgirl · 05/07/2021 15:10

Seriously- this will turn into very hard work very soon. Get out now while you can.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2021 15:10

Leave it here. Even if you were a trained mental health professional, you wouldn’t be in a position to deal with this.

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 05/07/2021 15:11

It sounds like you’re already bending yourself to shape around his moods/mental health… if that’s happening before you even get together, I’m not sure that bodes all that well for the future? I say that as someone with chronic depression and anxiety, controlled (mostly) by meds. Does he take responsibility for him own wellbeing, or are you going to end up tiptoeing around/coddling him?

CharlotteRose90 · 05/07/2021 15:11

Not what you wanna hear but you need to run. He will bring your mood down as well as his. Till he gets more help you can’t do anything or go anywhere. Stay friends but don’t think about anything more.

FinallyHere · 05/07/2021 15:14

Absolutely.

Run

By all means stay friends waste hours as his emotional crutch who is too flaky to support you when you need it.

Original poster

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:17

Thank you wavypurple.

It's such a difficult situation in that I do feel that we do have this big connection and flirtation but that he due to his make up has crushing lows when I feel that he really questions what he wants in life... he has time on his own then he comes back to me. I just am in two minds.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2021 15:19

Just because you have a "connection" with someone does not mean you should be in a relationship with them. Honestly, op. Be sensible and realistic. This man needs serious help, and not from you. He will be an anchor around your neck.

TiredButDancing · 05/07/2021 15:20

Oh god, this sounds awful. Why why why would you even consider entering into a relationship with a man who is already causing you to question how you act/behave/ thing. Whose moods are already impacting what you do and when you do it?

No, run now while you still can. Because this is the "best" of him so it's only going to go downhill from here.

HappyWipings · 05/07/2021 15:21

So he blows hot and cold then blames it on depression? Yeah , I'd leave it if I were you.

Original poster

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:22

Wow thanks everyone for the responses!!

Shall I have 'the night' with him to put it to bed? There has been a build up of sexual tension going back many years. Serious question.

OP posts:

HappyWipings · 05/07/2021 15:22

No!

Inthesameboatatmo · 05/07/2021 15:22

Leave well alone ,for the sake of your own mental health as well as his .
You are not his therapist, it will be very hard work .

WaterBottle123 · 05/07/2021 15:23

Ah 'time on his own then comes back'

He's ALREADY training you that he's self indulgent and your needs will always come second. Also this sounds boring,

RUN RUB RUN

Original poster

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:23

I think the emotions of the connection overwhelm him.

OP posts:

HappyWipings · 05/07/2021 15:24

You're making bs excuses for his shitty behaviour op. It sounds like you like the idea of him rather than the real person.

ufucoffee · 05/07/2021 15:26

''I think the emotions of the connection overwhelm him'

They don't OP. Honestly. He's just not that into you. Get out now.

ihavespoken · 05/07/2021 15:26

No! Run away

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/07/2021 15:26

I would probably keep him as a friend, support him as a friend in seeking treatment for his MH issues. But take any idea of a romantic relationship off the table.

Possibly this could be revisited in a couple of years once he's been through therapy. But I wouldn't tell him that. He needs to seek help for himself, not on the future promise of a relationship.

ThePearlOfDumbarton · 05/07/2021 15:27

no don't!
he'll make you feel like you OWE it to him to see the best in him, overlook his moods and depression. that'll be worse if you sleep with him. don't do it.

WaterBottle123 · 05/07/2021 15:27

@Santocristinio

I think the emotions of the connection overwhelm him.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

No they really don't. He's just setting the ground work to be constant disappointment to you. You won't be allowed any emotional needs or you'll be 'stressing him out and he'll need space'.

FluffyPersian · 05/07/2021 15:28

Don't bother.

You're potentially in love with the 'thought' of Gary, whereas the reality of Gary would be very different.

He hates himself and life in general? How can that be attractive? Surely you'd want someone who compliments you / you can do fun stuff with? especially in the early stages of a relationship?

Can you imagine... you're the fun one, the one who is upbeat, the one who always looks at the positive - and he hates himself, hates life.. and is moody.... I've had friends very similar, I wanted to 'support' them, I wanted to 'help' them and be a 'good friend'.. I ended up exhausted and they sucked the joy of life out of me.

I'd never, ever go back to that again and I really think you should think again about meeting him.

Original poster

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:30

He hasn't said that the emotions overwhelm him!! That is what I deduce from how he behaves. He acts incredibly romantically towards me but already I've seen how he is up then down and when down and feeling low I can tell he feels overwhelmed.

OP posts:

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