New man hates himself. Advice please.

[Santocristinio]

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

Like pp have said I think this guy is setting you up for shitty treatment. Then he gets to blame his low moods and overwhelming emotions. Which he has already told you about so you can't really complain.

I'd give this one a pass.

Is he doing anything proactive to try and help himself OP? Or does he just wallow?

Are you content in an unbalanced relationship op? Do you prefer drama to a simple , happy life? I ask because this dude will always have a crisis , an issue...whatever. You'll rarely have a pleasant, easy existence with him.

I'll stop , because if you keep talking to him you'll see for yourself.

Thanks I should say he has a psychiatrist and has mental health support.

When he isnt low he is fun and lovely and my perfect man. Honestly

I think the emotions of the connection overwhelm him.

Maybe. Maybe another was to say that is that he is entirely self obsessed, and doesn't care too much about you except fir what you can do for him.

Not a good prospect.

This is why I'm single.

I am basically Gary in female form.
I have horrible, crushing depression (which I manage with medication and therapy) and self-esteem issues and imposter syndrome.

I won't allow anyone near to me so they don't feel like they have to deal with it. Truth is, I would never expect a partner to prop me up - I do my best to take care of that myself - but I know that someone who cares might want to try - and I'm not about to make anyone my unpaid carer like that.

So for the sake of the world. I stay on my own.

It is sad, but it is what it is.

Oh run op, he's going to be a pain in the arse. Life's too short.

Run.

It doesn't sound like it will be a promising relationship for you. Have you had some serious conversations with him, about his state of mind.and why he may have these problems. People should be able to kind of self analyse themselves, and see if they can work out what is causing their issues, especially if they are going to have a relationship with someone who matters a lot to them.

1forAll74 no we haven't had that conversation but j agree that that conversation would need to be had. I think some of the self hatred comes from his past... there was some sexual abuse and also addictions... questions about sexuality etc.
I've also gone through sexual abuse and gave up drinking a long time ago. So we have been through some of the same things if that makes sense but what I have been through hasn't made me a depressive xx

Nope. He sounds like he would drain you of your joy and spirit. Let him go and make space for someone competent and cheerful who you can have a laugh with.

Sorry but it won’t “be amazing “ - it’ll be a drag. Don’t bother pursuing this, save your energy for someone who brings something positive into your life.

Thanks beastlyslumber. I needed to hear that. I need fun next time!! :)

Run like the wind OP

Oh, I had one of these. He hated himself and was sure that I was too good for him.

I spent months building up his confidence (aka being trained to pander to his every whim). By the end of it, he loved himself and hated me. He was sure that I would never be good enough for him, and he was violent, abusive and generally nasty.

There is a certain type of man who is attracted to the kind of woman who likes to "fix" people. These are not usually good men. Even if yours is a good man, you are not his therapist. If he wants to help himself, he can do that and then afterwards try to build a relationship.

Thanks guys.

Your responses have been overwhelmingly negative. I needed to hear this today I think!!

Xx

@Santocristinio

Wow thanks everyone for the responses!!

Shall I have 'the night' with him to put it to bed? There has been a build up of sexual tension going back many years. Serious question.

Don’t be that person. Just be honest with him instead of manipulating someone that you can already see is potential vulnerable.

Nope get out now! I have just done this for the last 15 years and it drained every ounce of energy I had and I had to end it.

@Santocristinio

I think the emotions of the connection overwhelm him.

He’s a man, their really not that complex when it comes to getting their knee down.

I’m not 100% convinced they do emotions the same as us either.

2021DNA I don't think he is vulnerable sexually!! That suggestion was about getting it out of our systems... does that make sense? But yes could backfire.

Gonnabeok when yours is on the up does the relationship work? Out of interest if you don't mind me asking?

Fluffycloudland77 I think he is v sensitive for a man... a deep thinker. I think he does feel a lot of emotions.

Don't go there or in a few years time you'll be back on MN saying you're miserable too but afraid of what he'll do if you leave, that's he's totally dependant on you. Be kind to yourself and jusr stay friends

Don’t shag him. He sounds like that type that cry when they come. How mortifying will that be?

Thanks. I think its partly because I have come out of an empty marriage and this is the first time I've had fun with someone in a long time... when he's not down of course.