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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man hates himself. Advice please.

153 replies

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:02

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 05/07/2021 16:09

@shuffleuplove.
That thought had crossed my mind as well.

Skyla2005 · 05/07/2021 16:09

He will drag you down with him

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 16:09

QueeniesCroft wow that is a cautionary tale.

OP posts:
ufucoffee · 05/07/2021 16:09

Let us know how it goes when you dump him OP. Good luck

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 16:10

Shuffleuplove that made me lol!! I will keep that image in my mind when I feel tempted. Thank you!!!!

OP posts:
IamThrough · 05/07/2021 16:11

Shall I have 'the night' with him to put it to bed? There has been a build up of sexual tension going back many years. Serious question.

If you already think the "emotions of the connection" over whelm him - and he has some mental health issues that you are obviously already aware of.... I think sleeping with him just to release some built up tension is probably the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. For probably the both of you. IMHO

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/07/2021 16:14

@Santocristinio

Fluffycloudland77 I think he is v sensitive for a man... a deep thinker. I think he does feel a lot of emotions.
Mostly sorry for himself.

Just bin before you end up being chewed up by the sheer unrelenting drudge of doing everything and paying for everything because he can't possibly manage such menial tasks when don't you know how his dog died when he was ten/somebody looked at him meanly in 2004 and somebody dared to tell him how fucking awful it was to be lumbered with a wailing and moaning addict instead of patting him on the head and saying 'of course you can help yourself to my purse and bankcard. You can do what you want with it because you're so very, very special and sensitive'

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 16:15

IamThrough I don't know... I would have been upfront and said 'this isn't going anywhere but let's have a night together to get it out of our systems' in a more subtle way. I wouldn't have done it and ghosted him it would have been a consensual thing.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/07/2021 16:16

Oh, and the sex will be shit.

LolaSmiles · 05/07/2021 16:19

Someone on here said something like women are not workshops for emotionally unavailable men. Some men are genuinely emotionally unavailable and have their own issues to resolve. It's not a woman's job to fix them. Other men like the idea of a relationship but don't see why they should be decent guys so they'll lay foundations for women to accept and excuse shitty treatment.

friendlyflicka · 05/07/2021 16:19

So this connection is all messaged or online? Perhaps you should meet him and see if it continues in real life or if you have built this up into something it is not.

Find it a bit horrible that people are telling you to get rid of him due to mental health issues. There are some people with mental health issues who are worth making the effort for.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 16:24

We've been around each other in the sense we had friends in common at uni but have never met up before alone just saw each other at parties etc. There was a shyness / chemistry between us then but nothing happened. I thought he was just shy then. I have always been someone who has let men chat me up rather than the other way around. Then he got in touch on fb and we've been in touch that way for ages but feels like its either time to fade out or meet up.

OP posts:
friendlyflicka · 05/07/2021 16:31

But can't you just meet up as friends and see how it goes and take things naturally. You can't decide in advance how you want it to and neither can he. If you like each other meet each other. Then if you find him too sensitive then don't date him, remain friends. And if that is not possible, then stop the friendship. It is a two--way process

IamThrough · 05/07/2021 16:32

The thing is you know he has some kind of mental health issue (that he is getting treatment for so could be significant).
You also know that you are recently out of a long term relationship "and empty marriage" as you describe it - so you're actually pretty vulnerable too I would imagine.

Even if you point out to him that a one off sh*g was just that - a one off - you could both get emotionally involved ( or worse just one of you) and before you know it he could end up being emotionally dependant on you.

If you've know this guy for a while he may well be worth keeping in touch with - but honestly I would keep a distance at least until his mental health is in a better place and probably until you are less vulnerable too.

friendlyflicka · 05/07/2021 16:36

I say this as someone with bipolar who is incredibly responsible about my own mental health. I have also had 2 alcohol partners who really were not - played the victim and tried to make me look after them and abused me. So I do understand that a man who plays on his vulnerabilities and tries to make your relationship all about his needs is not a good partner prospect. But there are people who have difficulties, who do try to help themselves and who are worth knowing, as either a friend or as something more.

But you will only know by taking the plunge and meeting him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/07/2021 16:38

@Santocristinio

Wow thanks everyone for the responses!!

Shall I have 'the night' with him to put it to bed? There has been a build up of sexual tension going back many years. Serious question.

Oh, of course there hasn't. Stop kidding yourself.
billy1966 · 05/07/2021 16:44

@Aquamarine1029

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

You can't fix this man.

This.

Haven't you had a hard enough time?

Leave it be.

friendlyflicka · 05/07/2021 16:44

If you just want to have sex with him, why are you asking and detailing his emotional state?

If you want to be friends meet and work out if there is more.

I don't see the issue. You know what you want to do, surely?

MadMadMadamMim · 05/07/2021 16:47

He's a joy sucker. Don't get involved.

Self absorbed people like this suck every bit of energy out of you and leave you feeling anxious and worried for them and utterly exhausted.

A shag's really not worth the agonising.

AzraiL · 05/07/2021 16:52

He's not overwhelmed. He's priming you for future shitty treatment.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 16:52

For those of you saying don't get involved... is it best to have the conversation and walk away or to try and stay friends? I do have feelings for him so it might be easier for me anyway to cut off and walk.

OP posts:
HappyWipings · 05/07/2021 16:54

You've answered your own question op. Trust yourself.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 16:55

Thanks HappyWipings. I need to walk don't I. I find it really hard to see this stuff for myself sometimes...

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 05/07/2021 16:59

Men aren’t that sensitive. We like to imagine they have hidden depths but what you see is what you get with them.

Sounds like your getting eyore out of Winnie the Pooh.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 16:59

@Santocristinio

Thanks I should say he has a psychiatrist and has mental health support.

When he isnt low he is fun and lovely and my perfect man. Honestly

So sometimes he's your perfect man, and other times he's something other than your perfect man.

Why would you choose this inconsistency?

All of your thought processes are about how amazing it could be (but actually isn't), and about tiptoeing around his feelings in order that he doesn't end up feeling bad.

How do you feel, when you think he's feeling pressured by your relationship? Does that make you feel happy? Excited? Content? Fulfilled? Or edgy? Guilty? Unsure? Anxious?