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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man hates himself. Advice please.

153 replies

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:02

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
MareMare · 05/07/2021 19:32

@Santocristinio

Long term anti depressants. Suicidal ideation certainly. I was willing to support him with all of that. Like I said earlier I've been abused so have some understanding of the emotional pain and also some understanding of addiction. I would have been there for all of that and helped him with the pain. If he hadn't had a pattern of shutting me out in what has felt like an unpleasant way.That has been so painful. Really. It's the adoration / avoidance cycle that I know I cant live with.
Well, his unpleasant shutting you out has saved you from the thankless task of becoming someone’s unpaid therapist and rescuer, so you should be grateful for it, OP. Far more dangerous is the ‘You’re the only one who’s ever understood me!’ and ‘You’re not like the other girls’ stuff, that sucks you in, gets you making excuses for bad behaviour (‘Threatens suicide if I go out with my friends? The poor man must just be so much in love with me!’) and then unable to leave because ‘he won’t cope without me’.
Tal45 · 05/07/2021 19:36

There are two huge problems that I see. Firstly he cheats because he has low self esteem, he still has low self esteem so how can you trust hi? Secondly when he feels low he pushes you away - imagine this going on and you ending up having kids with him, can you imagine him disappearing every time he gets low? Leaving you to deal with everything? Not only that but I bet when he's low is when he cheats, so every time he disappears you have that to worry about not to mention the fact that you don't know if you will see him alive again.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 19:36

@Santocristinio

TheFoundations I think you have a vocation as a therapist, truly. You've boiled things down to very simple terms which has been helpful thank you.
:) The things I learned in counselling were so valuable and life changing for me - I'm glad to boil them down and pass them on. I hope you move on from this situation and find happiness, first alone (you have to do it alone first, otherwise you'd never be sure whether you were relying on the other person), and then, if you still want to, with a partner. Flowers
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 19:47

I think for me it is not often I meet someone who i find interesting who can really make me laugh. It doesn't happen to me very often. I need to meet more people!!

I think I do need to be on my own for a while first. Just to reconnect with myself again. Maybe spend more time learning to trust my inner voice. Maybe try and 4encourage it to speak up a bit more.

OP posts:
OneFootintheRave · 05/07/2021 19:48

Long story short. Bail out now xx Grin

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 19:49

Onefootintherave 6 pages in and... bail out now!! Xxx

OP posts:
Hadenough21 · 05/07/2021 19:56

I’ve tried to have a relationship with someone just like this (3 separate times over several years) - my advice is run OP. You’ll never get him to be what you want him to be (the good version, all the time, or most of the time). In my experience as well the bad times increase as they get you more lured in. It’s like a test at first, they’re on their best behaviour as much as they can manage but as time goes on and you’ve shown that you’ll put up with the crap treatment and the withdrawal then he’ll do it more and more. You’ll end up tying yourself in knots trying to make him happy and get that lovely guy back that you KNOW is in there, and every now and then he’ll bring the nice version back (particularly if you show signs of having had enough and YOU withdraw) but it never lasts. And then it just spirals into you feeling shit about yourself all the time and wondering why you can’t make him happy. My self esteem has been left in tatters by all this. Walk away before you get emotionally invested. You can’t fix him.

knittingaddict · 05/07/2021 19:57

@Santocristinio

Fluffycloudland77 I think he is v sensitive for a man... a deep thinker. I think he does feel a lot of emotions.
My daughter has just had a second date with a self proclaimed "deep thinker", among other red flags. She will not be seeing him again.
TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 20:04

I think for me it is not often I meet someone who i find interesting who can really make me laugh. It doesn't happen to me very often

Because you have standards.

Trusting your inner voice is easier when you actually listen to what it's saying. Your boundaries are yours, and yours alone. And from today, from now, having made the decision that he has crossed your boundaries, so you are terminating the relationship, you never again have to 'put up' with anybody. If they piss you off, you tell them. If they continue, you leave them. That's it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/07/2021 20:04

Im too old and cynical to believe men have feelings like us. A lot of them are as shallow as a puddle on a hot day.

They will say anything when they fancy you.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 20:07

Writing stuff down is good. Think about something that's made you have strong feelings... anger or sadness or confusion... get some felt pens and write it down, the full story, capital letters, underlining, red pen, exclamation marks. Expressing it clarifies it, and it also gets you used to to feeling of expressing yourself at all. Then you can put it in the shredder. The stories die once you've written them. You don't want to keep them for reading!

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 20:09

@Fluffycloudland77

Im too old and cynical to believe men have feelings like us. A lot of them are as shallow as a puddle on a hot day.

They will say anything when they fancy you.

I think you have to look at what people do, not what they feel. I mean, if you're using what somebody might be feeling to excuse poor behaviour, that's very different from saying they feel things really strongly, not just because of having bought me the flowers, but what a thoughtful and loving note!

'Feeling things' isn't the point. Responding in a way that you like to those feelings is everything.

TheVolturi · 05/07/2021 20:20

I wouldn't get involved with this man. I would be a friend for him but nothing more.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 21:12

I'm not going to go down the friend route... it ends up going wrong because I become charmed and fall back into old patterns. I need to go cold turkey. I think I was falling in love. Feeling quite sad tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 21:13

Falling in love but there was a major power imbalance because of his mood swings.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 21:45

Also, friends don't make you feel shit and poorly prioritised.

Cold turkey does hurt though. What's the nicest thing you can do for yourself? What would your ideal partner do for you this evening that could make you feel better? See if you can do it for yourself.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 22:06

I've just got to look to the future and remember what you said about how things feel... using feelings as signposts and not let myself get into anything like this again. Too painful. Thank you for being so kind xx

OP posts:
thelastgoldeneagle · 05/07/2021 22:54

You haven't even met up with him and already it's this much angst?? No no no. I sympathise with him but it sounds as if he has problems you're not qualified to solve.

He's not your project.

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 03:11

Avoid 🌸

Original poster
Santocristinio · 06/07/2021 09:18

Unfortunately you don't see this sort of stuff straight away do you. People put their best foot forwards.

Am feeling better today. Things will be alright x

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 06/07/2021 09:18

@Santocristinio

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

Why jump out of one dreary relationship into another???

Why call him your "new man" already?

After a relationship breakup it's best to focus on oneself for a while rather than casting about immediately for the next boyfriend. Don't take a step backward.

Weirdfan · 06/07/2021 09:42

It's the 'hating himself' that really troubles me, I can tell you from experience how much that can affect a relationship and none of it will be good for you OP. Look for someone happy, someone who is already whole, it's not your job to make this man either of those things and trying will just leave you less happy and less whole yourself. You deserve more than that, you're not a rehabilitation centre for damaged men and this one is already casting you in that role. Be strong and want/expect more for yourself, you're 100% worth it Flowers

bibliomania · 06/07/2021 09:50

Too boring. Gazing at your own navel is one thing, but enforced gazing at someone else's navel - life's too short for that shit.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 06/07/2021 10:50

WeirdFan I agree... happy and healthy!! Amen to that. Whole. Someone where it doesn't feel imbalance xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 06/07/2021 10:50

Imbalanced.

OP posts: