Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man hates himself. Advice please.

153 replies

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:02

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:01

Fluffycloudland77 well that's the thing.. 70% of the time you'd have a happy fun to be with tigger... and 30% of the time youd have eeyore on a downer. The tigger times would be amazing.... but..

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:03

TheFoundations I feel great when it is great and shit when he is down and withdraws. That's the truth. Shit and like he I'm not his priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:04

I think he likes the fantasy of it with me as well. But maybe that's it.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 05/07/2021 17:05

"It's a real shame you've realised you're not ready after your bad experiences with your ex." Hope you keep the friendship. I expect you will have your feet on the ground when you meet the next person and see through any manipulation.

Good luck.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 17:07

@Santocristinio

TheFoundations I feel great when it is great and shit when he is down and withdraws. That's the truth. Shit and like he I'm not his priority.
Why do you think you should be in a relationship that makes you feel shit sometimes, even now, right at the start?

Why would you opt for that?

I'm not incredulous, I'm asking a genuine question. Are you able to answer it?

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:10

TheFoundations sorry there is a bit more to all of this I don't want to go into here... suffice to say that when it is good it feels really good and honestly I forget the shit times!! Is that strange? There are a lot more good times than shit times. Does that make sense. Also I know no one is perfect including me. Should all times be good times?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:11

Thanks for asking TheFoundations it's a good question that you asked!! Are you a professional therapist out of interest?

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 05/07/2021 17:11

@Santocristinio

TheFoundations I feel great when it is great and shit when he is down and withdraws. That's the truth. Shit and like he I'm not his priority.
Well that says it all. Don't sleep with him. Don't meet up at all. No need to remain friends as that will blur boundaries. Just tell him that you are not in a position to take things further, wish him well, and leave it at that. Then don't respond again.
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:12

When it's good he makes me feel alive?

OP posts:
PizzaCrust · 05/07/2021 17:18

You’re being bonkers.

Cut it off. I don’t think you will- first it’ll be a ONS and then you’ll be stuck with him and it’ll be a huge regret and a waste of many years…

Just don’t go there.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:20

PizzaCrust yes it has made me feel a bit nuts tbh.

My marriage was dead for a long time and then this has felt like emotional overload. I feel exhausted.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 17:25

@Santocristinio

Thanks for asking TheFoundations it's a good question that you asked!! Are you a professional therapist out of interest?
No, but I had counselling for a year because I kept having relationships that made me feel like crap. All of them were my dream partner some of the time. This is what I learned in counselling:

If someone makes you feel shit, you spend as little time with them as possible. Preferably none.

That's it. Took me a year (and all that money! And all those tears!) to realise that. It's all you need to know re boundaries. People make it so complicated, but essentially, feelings are signposts. Feeling shit is a great big 'Away!' arrow.

Should all times be good times

Pretty much consistently, yes. Obviously 100% is unrealistic, but even when things are hard in a relationship, you'd want to feel like you are a priority, and you wouldn't want your partner's behaviour to make you feel shit.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 17:26

@Santocristinio

When it's good he makes me feel alive?
So you need to get rid of him, and do other things that make you feel alive, so that you don't need a partner to fulfill that role for you.
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/07/2021 17:27

Ok. So my XH was down on himself. Kept wanging on about he must be ugly because women kept dumping him. He was actually quite handsome, years ago, when we first got together. I reassured him. A lot. So much so that he went off online dating. Turns out it wasn't his looks that were the problem, but his fucking awful personality.
Run. Run like the wind. He will suck your lifeblood out of you, and leave a shrunken husk in his wake.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:32

TheFoundations yes I am doing that as well. From a Male romantic perspective he has made me feel strongly about someone for the first time in a long time.

Feelings are signposts. That is great thank you. Yes people should feel good nearly all of the time in a relationship that is helpful.. I have honestly never heard that before and I have had several
Bouts of therapy!! Thank you. I'm glad it helped you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:34

Spongebobjudgeypants yes I see what you are saying. There seems to be a sort of self obsession that goes along with this personality. I need to let go.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 05/07/2021 17:38

@Santocristinio

For those of you saying don't get involved... is it best to have the conversation and walk away or to try and stay friends? I do have feelings for him so it might be easier for me anyway to cut off and walk.
I would just say you don't feel ready to be involved with someone, and then gradually just fade away. Don't let it become a big drama. If he gives you a hard time about it, then block.
beastlyslumber · 05/07/2021 17:47

Don't pursue anything further with a man that makes you feel shit. A new relationship should be fun, exciting, joyful, sexy, full of laughter and anticipation. You should like yourself when you're with him, feel that you bring out the best in each other - and if he is already making you feel terrible, when he should be doing everything he can to impress you, then it's only going to get worse when he gets comfortable and starts taking your attention for granted.

Whether this is because he is mentally ill, or whether it's because he's naturally self-obsessed and a loser, you cannot really know and it doesn't matter. A relationship won't help him get better. Maybe one day he will be well enough and self-reflective enough to make a relationship work, but clearly he's not there yet, and he may never be. Don't waste any more time on him.

Whydidimarryhim · 05/07/2021 17:51

Has he ever had a successful relationship?
You can’t fix him and you aren’t responsible for him either.
If he has issues then he needs to sort them out.
You need to move on and meet someone else.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:54

Whydidimarryhim no I think he has cheated in most of his relationships. Sorry drip feed. It's not looking good when you bring it all together. I think his self esteem issues have meant he hasn't been faithful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:54

Thank you beastlyslumber that all makes perfect sense. I need to be pickier.

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 05/07/2021 17:55

Wow. Reading these responses all I can say it's no wonder the country is in the grip of a mental health crisis.

Is this really such a widespread POV these days, that anyone with mental health issues is automatically more trouble that they are worth and should be avoided like the plague?

OP your concerns are legitimate but I think some of the responses on here are painting an overly bleak and tbh intolerant picture. It's healthy you're thinking this through, but I'd be wary of basing your final decision on just this thread.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/07/2021 17:57

@Santocristinio

Whydidimarryhim no I think he has cheated in most of his relationships. Sorry drip feed. It's not looking good when you bring it all together. I think his self esteem issues have meant he hasn't been faithful.
His self esteem issues are to blame?? Just listen to yourself 🤦‍♀️
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 17:59

GreyhoundG1rl which charm school did you go to?!??! Wow!

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 05/07/2021 18:00

If you want to feel alive I suggest wild swimming.