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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New man hates himself. Advice please.

153 replies

Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 15:02

Hi I'm starting to date again after being unhappy for a long time with stb ex h.

I've reconnected with an old uni friend who I used to get on with so well but nothing actually happened with in the past, just a flirtation.

This guy, let's call him Gary, is lovely and really my kind of man except for the fact he has very low moods and hates himself and life in general when he does. I just don't know whether it is best to leave it alone as sometimes I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling eg he finds it too emotionally overwhelming? If that makes sense?

We've been chatting on the phone and through messenger but it's starting to become crunch time eg whether we should meet up and I'm so torn as to what to do. On one hand j know it could be amazing... on the other hand I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself.

Does anyone have any advice please?

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 18:01

People are sometimes unfaithful because they feel shit about themselves. It doesn't mean they are not responsible for it though.

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 05/07/2021 18:02

Why are you up in arms when someone questions you? Blaming self esteem issues when explaining why a serial cheater cheats is pretty weird.
But it's your problem, not mine...

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 18:04

No you just like to kick someone when they are trying to understand the mess they are in. Unnecessary but thanks for your input I guess?!?!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 05/07/2021 18:23

@bringincrazyback

Wow. Reading these responses all I can say it's no wonder the country is in the grip of a mental health crisis.

Is this really such a widespread POV these days, that anyone with mental health issues is automatically more trouble that they are worth and should be avoided like the plague?

OP your concerns are legitimate but I think some of the responses on here are painting an overly bleak and tbh intolerant picture. It's healthy you're thinking this through, but I'd be wary of basing your final decision on just this thread.

Being so mentally ill that you make others feel terrible means that no, you can't be in a relationship. Already he is making the OP feel shit about herself at times.

It doesn't matter if it is because of a mental health condition or for any other reason. It's not okay to expect someone else to feel terrible and shit in order so that you can be in a relationship. It's not fair. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who sucks the joy out of life.

Doesn't mean he doesn't deserve help/treatment/support.

Notaroadrunner · 05/07/2021 18:33

@Santocristinio

No you just like to kick someone when they are trying to understand the mess they are in. Unnecessary but thanks for your input I guess?!?!
Now that you have gained some understanding and have many posts telling you to run, I gather you are going to do just that and stop making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour. And really, you aren't in a mess. You haven't even met up with him so it'll be very easy to cut ties via messenger/whatsapp now. Just do it.
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 18:35

Beastlyslumber thanks yes I agree. People need support of course. I suppose because I dont have mental health issues and am not self obsessed I dont understand this need to swing from total adoration to cutting contact. I think he definitely means it when he is adoring and when he is low I feel this 'dont come near me' vibe which makes me feel so shit. When he is up he is incredible and energizing and it feels amazing but then he turns and you feel awful. Its horrible actually. I want out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 18:37

Notaroadrunner thank you. Yes I am going to do a fade out while he is in his cave. When he comes out I will be gone.

Thanks mumsnet, honestly I am very grateful to you for helping me crack this code!! Xx

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 05/07/2021 18:47

OP, I could be wrong but I think @GreyhoundG1rl has picked up on the 'self esteem issues being to blame' for infidelity/treating his previous partners badly and possibly the implications of your statements around being worried about 'overwhelming'. FWIW, my take isn't so much a lack of charm, rather a concern that he might have baked in no expectations of treating you well/adequately and that for future relationships, you might benefit from an expectation of being treated well pretty much all the time.

Good luck.

beastlyslumber · 05/07/2021 18:49

@Santocristinio

Beastlyslumber thanks yes I agree. People need support of course. I suppose because I dont have mental health issues and am not self obsessed I dont understand this need to swing from total adoration to cutting contact. I think he definitely means it when he is adoring and when he is low I feel this 'dont come near me' vibe which makes me feel so shit. When he is up he is incredible and energizing and it feels amazing but then he turns and you feel awful. Its horrible actually. I want out.
Well there's always the possibility that he's not mentally ill at all but in fact is just a narcissist. What you describe here is a standard pattern of behaviour for toxic manipulative men. Love bomb you and shower you with romance, rush the relationship and make it seem like they are 'the one'. Then go cold, make you wonder what on earth is going on, make you feel confused and horrible - the idea being that you'll be so desperate to get the 'real' person back, to get back to the wonderful, romantic, loving relationship you thought you had, that you'll do anything. It becomes a very effective means of control.

Either way, whatever's going on with him, you know how you feel and what you want. Well done on getting past this guy. You will meet someone lovely! Flowers

YeokensYegg · 05/07/2021 18:53

Women aren't rehab centres for broken men.
You may have known him years ago, but he's a stranger now.
He's a serial cheat which also means he's a liar.
The rest of his life is likely as messed up.
Steady employment? Home owner?

The problem with chats and phone calls over time without meeting up is its easy to fill in the blanks with fantasy.
There is nothing good to be gained from this. He's likely a walking cesspool of STIs

bringincrazyback · 05/07/2021 18:56

It doesn't matter if it is because of a mental health condition or for any other reason. It's not okay to expect someone else to feel terrible and shit in order so that you can be in a relationship. It's not fair. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who sucks the joy out of life.

Agreed, but before the OP's subsequent posts I'd have said that maybe they could find a way through all this as a couple if the relationship was strong enough. Not everyone with a mental health issue is a headf*ck to live with, but OP's updates have shown the guy's behaving unacceptably, that's now not in question. What I was reacting to initially was the knee-jerk 'run' type responses based on initially not very much info.

OP, I'm glad the thread has helped you decide what you want. You deserve better treatment than what's being meted out by this guy.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 18:57

When he is up he is incredible and energizing and it feels amazing but then he turns and you feel awful. Its horrible actually. I want out

It's good you've realised this. If it feels like a code you've needed to crack, though, think about why that is. For me, it was having my feelings dismissed when I was a kid. So I learned that if something/somebody made me feel like shit, my feeling shit wasn't the important thing. There was always something more important than the fact that something was hurting me. Have a think about your relationship with your parents when you were growing up. Have a think about their relationship(s) and whether healthy connections were demonstrated to you.

What you feel like is the only thing that matters. Because people win the lottery and meet the person of their dreams, and find themselves feeling rubbish. Others have nothing, can't seem to meet the right person, and yet are still happy as larry. It's not about having the things/relationships that should make you happy - it's just about chasing the happy feeling, and avoiding the shit feeling taking up your time.

Also, baggagereclaim.co.uk is really good with boundaries. Might be worth a look, especially to galvanise yourself as you walk away from this guy.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 19:00

TheFoundations wow are you my secret twin?!?!? I had a similar experience as a child. My feelings weren't really bothered about. That's interesting. Maybe that's why I have put up with stuff not just in this relationship.

OP posts:
MareMare · 05/07/2021 19:08

@Santocristinio

I think the emotions of the connection overwhelm him.
No, OP, that’s classically self-deluding. Just leave well alone, and thank your lucky stars you have an instinct for self-preservation that stopped you shackling yourself to a chronically unfaithful man who can’t manage his own MH without regularly falling into someone’s knockers because of the ‘overwhelming connection’.
MareMare · 05/07/2021 19:08

Good call, OP.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 19:09

Yeah, it was a biggy for me, realising I'd essentially just been poorly trained. My parents used to fight, and then my Mum would lean on me for support. So even though I was upset, my priority was always 'Help fix this relationship issue' So when I started having relationships myself, and things went wrong, instead of accepting that things were not working, I would desperately try to fix things. With partners I was simply incompatible with. And then I'd feel I'd massively failed when they eventually broke up with me.

It's really worth looking into, the stuff you learned as a kid. Monkey see, monkey do. But when it starts falling into place, it's amazing. And enlightening. And terrifying, because you start to realise that everything that went wrong wasn't due to some unassailable fault in you, it was something that YOU DID. Ugh.

This was useful: What has happened is not our fault. But what will happen is our responsibility.

You have all the power to make yourself a happy life. All of it. Follow the happy signposts, heed the 'I feel shit' warning signs and back away... and Bob's your uncle.

TheFoundations · 05/07/2021 19:14

This stuff about 'He has been unfaithful because of low self esteem', 'Emotions of connection overwhelm him'... these are ways of making excuses for him. Trying to work out why somebody does the things they do is irrelevant. It's a waste of time. Look only at whether you like the things they do. So, he gets overwhelmed. He makes you feel like shit. He doesn't prioritise you. He has a history of being unfaithful. That's it. Does that make you feel alive? I hope so because you need to be alive to run away.

LadyJaye · 05/07/2021 19:16

NO.

This man is a long-term project for a therapist who enjoys a challenge, not an enthusiastic amateur.

Eviebeans · 05/07/2021 19:17

I might have missed this somewhere but is he on long term medication? Does he have a history of self harm? Any suicide attempts?
I think there might be a lot more to know about him...

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/07/2021 19:21

While he’s on low mood with you is he on a high mood with someone else?.

Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 19:22

Long term anti depressants. Suicidal ideation certainly. I was willing to support him with all of that. Like I said earlier I've been abused so have some understanding of the emotional pain and also some understanding of addiction. I would have been there for all of that and helped him with the pain. If he hadn't had a pattern of shutting me out in what has felt like an unpleasant way.That has been so painful. Really. It's the adoration / avoidance cycle that I know I cant live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 19:23

Fluffycloudland77. No when he is in a low mood with me he is in a low mood full stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
Santocristinio · 05/07/2021 19:25

TheFoundations I think you have a vocation as a therapist, truly. You've boiled things down to very simple terms which has been helpful thank you.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 05/07/2021 19:30

Does he have a diagnosis so that you can research and find out what it actually means in terms of how life might look if you were together

Verbena87 · 05/07/2021 19:31

“ I feel I am pressuring his mental health with our little fling”

“I'm worried about overwhelming him and then finding it hard to navigate that disappointment for myself”

“due to his make up has crushing lows when I feel that he really questions what he wants in life... he has time on his own then he comes back to me.”

I’m really worried about how much you’re feeling responsible for his feelings. Is he being equally careful with yours, or is he messing you about and assuming that because his uncertainty is linked to negative emotions on his part, he has no responsibility for the impact of how he’s choosing to behave on you and your feelings?

He can’t control how he experiences his emotions but he has a genuine responsibility to think about how he responds to them, and how he behaves towards others.

I’d run rapidly away.