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Original poster

To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

312 replies

Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 13:23

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

OP posts:
5128gap · 04/07/2021 17:32

You shouldn't have taken him back in the first place. You are still angry with him about what he did before and for this reason will have no patience with his faults going forward. Everything he does that's annoying is going to grate on you very badly, because you think he should be perfect to make it up to you. He won't be able to be, and this will keep happening over one thing or another. You might be better off apart.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 17:36

CAN PEOPLE PLEASE READ THE FULL THREAD.

TWO THINGS

I have NOT told my dp off. I have not given him the silent treatment. I posted on here to gauge if my reaction was over the top. I have recognised this and have taken it onboard. I feel like I cant do any right from wrong on here. I am not abusive for not wanting him to look at a clearly attractive woman that was wearing a tight dress infront of me. Because to me that is a respect thing!

Which leads to my second point
I DONT CARE what he does with his eyes without me! However, we was meant to have a nice family day out. We are trying to rebuild our trust and family. I'm working hard to do so but I feel like him doing that so BLATANTLY infront of me was disrespectful and it upset me. He knew he what he was doing because everytime I looked at him he quickly looked away to hide the fact he was. I dont ever usually have a problem with this. But today meant something to me. It's the first proper day we have got back together. So yes it "disgusted" me. Because i expected better of the day.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 04/07/2021 17:37

Well I am confused as to whether it was a "nearly broke up" or a "hard break up" as both have been mentioned. Or was it a break up, a got back together and then broke up again??

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 17:37

@starfishmummy we broke up. I moved out with dc. We have recently got back together. I moved back in today.

OP posts:
TotorosCatBus · 04/07/2021 17:39

If if you stay with this man then you need to accept that he's a sleaze and abusive. Is this what you want your son to see?

I know that many women feel pressured to stay with crap dads because they think it's best for the kids but it's really not. Lots of people are better parents when apart. Staying with him will lead to resentment abs your son developing a warped view of adult relationships. Basically if he sees you stay with a man who ogles other women then he's more likely to expect the same from future partners.

You're obviously not unreasonable to expect your partner to focus on you and the baby but you can't force another adult to change. I suspect you will feel better sooner if you find some self respect and dump him. You deserve respect and happiness and this man offers neither.

Bluntness100 · 04/07/2021 17:40

Well it’s not going well op to be honest.

TotorosCatBus · 04/07/2021 17:40

As the saying goes- he's shown you who he is so take note. 🚩🚩🚩

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 17:40

We are trying to rebuild our trust and family.

You can't do that with an abusive man.

He's not going to change.

billy1966 · 04/07/2021 17:41

OP
I wouldn't have any expectations of decency or respect from a man that has abused you.

He sounds like a complete sleaze and you and your baby deserve better.

Why would you bother getting back with him?
Flowers

TotorosCatBus · 04/07/2021 17:44

We are trying to rebuild our trust and family.

He is clearly not.
Can you move out again?

TotorosCatBus · 04/07/2021 17:45

Why do you think he's changed?
Has he done any work on himself like go to a course for abusers?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/07/2021 17:46

and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment so it might not be sexual but you're going to give him the silent treatment anyway, not even talk like an adult to discuss why you're upset? What's the issue of its not sexual? If it is sexual why is it worse that's she's pregnant than not?

U2HasTheEdge · 04/07/2021 17:49

@warmfluffytowels

We are trying to rebuild our trust and family.

You can't do that with an abusive man.

He's not going to change.

Exactly this.

OP I don't think you are abusive at all. You have stated many times that you didn't act on how you are feeling. Although, if my husband was openly eyeing up another woman I would have something to say about it as I find it disrespectful, as does he. I don't care if anyone else thinks it is controlling.

The point in, he abused you and that won't change. He is not going to change. You can't rebuild a family with an abusive man, not a healthy one that will give you and the children happiness Thanks

suspiria777 · 04/07/2021 17:52

@emilyfrost

YABVU and controlling. What exactly is the issue here?

He is going to find other people attractive. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as he doesn’t act upon it.

Indeed; it's actually a greater testament to your relationship than if the only reason he wasn't cheating was because he didn't find anyone else attractive.
KnobJockey · 04/07/2021 17:52

I don't think it's right what he's doing, it's very disrespectful. Especially as you've just got back together.

Have you stated this as a boundary already? If you have, you need to think about your reaction. Not to sulk over it, as really that wouldn't achieve anything. But, as in, are you ready for him to trample over your boundaries on day 1 together? This might be a small one, but it's significant that he would do it- I think he's testing you on your reaction. If the only reaction is sulking, then he's just going to crack on regardless.

Ponoka7 · 04/07/2021 17:54

Silent treatment is emotional abuse. If you think it's normal then you need to read around emotional and non physical abuse. Showing this to your children is abusive, it causes anxiety. People get really fucked up by their parents using the silent treatment.

If you thought that it was a reasonable response to what happened you aren't at a place to be in a relationship.
You're right about the behaviour being disrespectful. You need to think about why you want to get back with him when he doesn't respect you or your child.

Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 04/07/2021 17:57

If he is abusive, he won't change. Why stay with him? Show your child how strong you are. You should never allow yourself to be in a abusive relationship and requiring therapy. M

MiaRoma · 04/07/2021 17:58

Your partner is abusive and he pervs other women

He won't change

Get rid.

Lostmyself86 · 04/07/2021 18:03

OP I am not going to comment on this situation because the truth is is that this is the least of your problems. You have gone back to an abusive man because your self esteem is at rock bottom. He knows this and that is why he will continue to do as he pleases. You are not abusive. He is. What steps has he taken to change? If none then I really hope you talk to someone, get out of this relationship, if not for yourself then for your children. You really don't want them seeing this toxic Relationship and thinking it is normal. It will mess them up and that's if SS don't get involved. You can leave op. Be brave. There is so much help out there x

summersolstice43 · 04/07/2021 18:06

But you were looking at her too so whats wrong with looking? I look at guys, doesn't mean I'm checking them out, just noticing them.

LittleNibbler · 04/07/2021 18:07

[quote Lavenderfields2]@mn2022 expect I havent guilt tripped him. I havent done anything to him. That's why I posted on here first. I heard you all say I'm being unreasonable and I've taken that on board. Yet that's enough and you and a few other posters keep badgering me about being controlling over something I have not done[/quote]
@Lavenderfields2 are you saying he raped and beat you? Please don’t stay if this is the case. Please.

SunshineCake · 04/07/2021 18:07

Your baby doesn't care who his dad looks at. Many people look at pregnant women as it is a lovely thing to have a baby coming. People look at other people. Sometimes they look again or longer if the PWR sin is attractive to them.

Teenagehorrorbag · 04/07/2021 18:09

I think you are being over sensitive here. There is a saying 'there's no harm looking at the menu when you're on a diet'. We all look at people who catch our eye - whether it's because they are attractive, or unusually tall, or wearing a scarlet bonnet - it's human nature.

You honestly can't expect him not to look. From your own description he wasn't blatantly leering in front of you, so he's not trying to make you feel bad. I know you feel rubbish and hormones may be playing a part too - but try not to let this escalate unnecessarily.

I hope you can resolve this and get your confidence back soon. Remember you are the mother of his child so he hopefully thinks you look - and are - amazing in every way! Good luck!

Thefaceofboe · 04/07/2021 18:09

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Rubyrecka so your telling me if after a hard break up you and your partner finally go to enjoy a nice family day out with your baby and you catch your partner rather obviously eyeing up a woman you'd be content with that? Really? Because I'm sorry random stranger on the internet but I dont think youd be so pleased or telling yourself the same thing.[/quote]
Why have you posted in AIBU? you obviously don’t think you are so what did you hope to achieve?

Maddiemademe · 04/07/2021 18:15

YANBU and not sure why it is so hard to respect your partners feelings. Maybe your self esteem will rise when you dump the sleaze x

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