To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

[Lavenderfields2]

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

Regardless of what possible reasons you could have had for getting back together with, and having a baby with, an abusive man, I don't think restarting your relationship on the basis of you monitoring where he's looking, and expecting him to tailor his behaviour to his knowledge of how low your self-esteem is at any given time, is going to work.

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Waitrosedisaster I think you should leave your not helping nor do you have anything else to say other than I'm abusive and when I ask why and counteract your points you have nothing to say but the same thing[/quote]
You haven't counteracted my points but ok I'll bite.

The way you have written your OP makes you sound incredibly controlling. Not only are you 'catching' your partner looking at someone out of the corner of your eye but then you're surveilling his behaviour to 'catch' him doing it again like it's some kind of crime. You even say in your second post he's 'allowed' to look anywhere but a 'pregnant persons ass'. What do you mean 'allowed?', can you not see the problem there? You then ask if you should give him the silent treatment, like this was a normal run of the mill punishment. I wouldn't say to someone 'does it warrant a punch in the face' as a joke, so why is your 'joke' about the silent treatment ok? Silent treatment is a form of abuse, a different type of abuse to physical, but abuse nonetheless. The fact you fail to grasp that suggests you don't actually see silent treatment for the manipulative behaviour it is.

Then come the dramatics and you've lashed out at posters who have disagreed with you, showing your personality a little bit. Protesting he should be on his 'best' behaviour because you've taken him back. Again, this is you expecting him to act in a certain way to please you, why? Why should he do this?

All that aside, you talk of him being physically abusive and can't understand why that puts your baby at risk. You express confusion when people have pointed out your baby shouldn't be in a house with physical abuse, like WE are the ones with the problem to tell YOU that you are being unreasonable.

Seriously OP, the level of defensiveness and/or denial on this threat is another level. I recommend some therapy asap

[quote Lavenderfields2]@RaindropsOnRosie @RaindropsOnRosie being abusive how? I never gave him the silent treatment. I am simply upset by his actions and expected more respect than that. So how am abusive exactly? Abuse to me is rape. Hitting someone. Emotionally belittling them. Not being upset because your partner should be making an effort after potentionally ruining his family but instead wants to stare at women infront of his partner. You know nothing.[/quote]
I don't know everything, but I certainly don't know nothing. Your partner looked at a woman and look how freaked out you are about it. It's unlikely that you take everything he does to mumsnet before reacting to it, so what do you do when he does other innocent things like looking at people?

Even if he is abusive to you, that doesn't mean you can't also be abusive.

You have asked opinions of others and the majority are telling you that, yes, you are being unreasonable.

You are being super defensive in your responses so obviously not interested in listening to the reasons that you could potentially be being unreasonable...

Was your partner actually eyeing them up or did he just look a bit longer than you'd have liked to? I think there's a difference in how his actions were. Honestly, if an attractive woman walks passed me I end up staring a bit longer than I should. I'm not a lesbian and not attracted to them or checking them out, I'm just looking at how attractive they are. I'd probably do the same if it was a man. Does this mean I'd cheat on my partner? Absolutely not.

However, as you seem to have issues with this I think you should express it to your partner but in a reasonable manner and not accuse him or kick off at him about it. It's important he knows how you are feeling - doesn't mean he is in the wrong though.

It's not nice at all when you think your partner is checking someone out or interested in someone else and as you have just had a baby I can only imagine how insecure you could be which adds more to this for you.

I guess without completely context it's hard to know. If it was just him looking a little longer than you'd have liked then you are unreasonable. If we was looking and getting all excited and making comments then your less unreasonable for that and I'd understand

I think you're being massively unreasonable OP - however, it sounds like you're having a really difficult time at the moment so understandable maybe. Try to get some therapy to unpick why you're feeling this way about something that is relatively minor. Maybe, it's a battle between your head and heart which is causing you this conflict - with a new baby of course you're going to want to make your relationship work, however it sounds like your brain isn't on board with it. You really need to speak to someone and sort this out

YANBU to be upset, OP.

When a relationship is so unhealthy that partners don't trust each other then these things can be disproportionately upsetting.

It doesn't matter that he was looking at a woman; it doesn't matter that you are upset over it.

What matters is whether your relationship is damaged beyond repair.

I gather he was abusive and controlling? Has that actually changed?

Buy him some blinkers that racehorses wear!
It's human nature to glance at others.

I think you are projecting.. You are more obsessed with this than he is.. Sorry, but I really think that this is your issue.. It was you who noticed her figure, you who decided he was checking her out, and you who mentioned it. You need to let it go.. Noticing is one thing, if he made sleezy comments, thats another thing. But it sounds like he was just being, and u decided he was ogling because u felt insecure

You mention abuse. Did your current partner abuse you or was this a previous relationship? If it’s the latter then you need to stop punishing your DP with your controlling, jealous actions. Why did you nearly breakup?

The BBC did a survey/investigation a few years back and found that women mainly look at other women and men look at other men. Lots of people claimed to check out the opposite sex but the findings consistently showed that we are more interested in observing the same sex.I think there is a lot of psychology research that shows the same thing.

[quote Lavenderfields2]@warmfluffytowels please dont start about abuse when you have not the slightest clue the amount of abuse I've suffered.[/quote]
I'm sorry about any abuse you may have suffered Lavender, but it's not an excuse or reason to become abusive yourself. It's human nature to involuntarily look/stare at something attractive, even babies do it.

You are being controlling by telling him what he can and can't look at and you are being semi abusive by giving him silent treatment whenever he does something you dislike.

Work on your self esteem. But if you relationship is a part of that low self esteem, then you need to recognise that, be brave and end it. For both your sakes. And your child.

@CoralSparkles OP has clarified the abuse was from her current partner.

If you have been subjected to abuse why did you reconcile and have a baby with him?
Go your separate ways, you obviously aren't a good match and you sound very angry with your current situation.

Silent treatment is abusive because, again, it's a method of control. 'Behave exactly as I say or i'll ignore you'
Can you honestly not see that?

@Twickytwo interesting. I definitely "check out" women more than men (I am a straight woman). I think sometimes I'm comparing myself or getting style ideas.

Bloody hell.

People need to stop now.

She has told us she was abused by him, that also includes physical abuse. Maybe if she wasn't 'pounced on', this thread could have actually been supportive to a woman with a young baby who is with a man who abuses her.

I wouldn't want my husband checking someone out openly when he is with me, he wouldn't want me to do it either. OP has clarified that she hasn't given him the silent treatment or said anything to him, but still keeps being called abusive or controlling. Think about the impact that can have on someone who is with a man who has abused her, just think about how damaging that can be.

OP, I do agree that your relationship is very unlikely to work out and I have never known someone who is abusive to their partner to change their ways. It doesn't happen. I think you are focusing on this but know there are problems that are much bigger and more important for you to focus on. If you would like support, It may be better to start another thread in relationships

Op instead of arguing with posters on here who have responded honestly to your question, I would listen.

Your reaction is extreme, even if it is internal, it is not justified and could be a red flag for abuse- I have been in an abusive relationship where my ex would have extreme anger and falsely accuse me of looking at other men. This is common behaviour amongst abusers.

Now let's look at what the problem is - is it your
Relationship and the effort he is putting in ?
Your feeling of helplessness that you can not control his behaviour?
Etc etc

You
Are
Being
Unreasonable

If you can not have a calm, mature reaction to him looking at other people, it's natural. I check out women and men without meaning to, ie as in if someone looks good, smart, etc etc

@Miiaaoow

Silent treatment is abusive because, again, it's a method of control. 'Behave exactly as I say or i'll ignore you' Can you honestly not see that?

Right, but she hasn't done that. She came here first to see if she was over reacting. Do you not understand that?

Your relationship sounds really toxic. Time to call it a day. End it for the sake of your child.

What would the point of a bit of silent treatment be? He probably wouldn't even notice. End this relationship it's not good for anyone involved.

@Flugbusiness

Your relationship sounds really toxic. Time to call it a day. End it for the sake of your child.

What would the point of a bit of silent treatment be? He probably wouldn't even notice. End this relationship it's not good for anyone involved.

Maybe RTFT. She didn't use the silent treatment against him. She read some responses and acknowledged that this wouldn't be a mature or measured.

Their relationship has been toxic and they're working on that.
They want to make it work, probably in part for their child.

@girlmom21 I did read her comments, my point about silent treatment was kind of rhetorical but I see how that might not be very clear.

I do stand by my comments about the relationship being toxic though. I might be wrong but according to some comments her current partner has been abusive.

I don't really think it's worth pursuing a relationship that has become abusive and toxic. Better to split when the child is very small, but that's just my opinion.

Didn’t want to read and run OP. I think you need to reflect on how you feel about the issues that have lead to your almost break up eith your DP. Being a new mum is difficult with the emotional and physical changes to our bodies. I hope you feel better soon x

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Rubyrecka so your telling me if after a hard break up you and your partner finally go to enjoy a nice family day out with your baby and you catch your partner rather obviously eyeing up a woman you'd be content with that? Really? Because I'm sorry random stranger on the internet but I dont think youd be so pleased or telling yourself the same thing.[/quote]
My husband wouldn't do that because he's not a disrespectful arse. Why are you getting back with this man?

Time to leave, especially if he's not allowed to look at someone else.

@gillysSong he isnt not allowed to do anything. I never said that stop putting words into my mouth this thread is becoming exhausting. HOWEVER out of respect I dont want him to stare for a long while at a woman infront of me. Given the fact we have only just gotten back together it upsets me more. He has alot to make up for and checking someone out infront of my face isnt the best way to start