To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

[Lavenderfields2]

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

Sounds like you want this relationship to be over. There is no trust and you don’t even feel you can talk with him about the things that upset you and make you insecure instead you bottle them up and have to post it on here. Think this was your spider senses tingling today that moving back in was a mistake.

OP, we've had a few reports about the posts on this thread from other Mumsnetters who were concerned that you weren't getting the support you're looking for.
We're going to move this thread over to our Relationships board now.

Men are visual creatures, you are totally overreacting. I don't mean this to sound mean but what you need is to work on being happy within yourself. If you suffered in the past this could mean starting with some therapy.

It's been a real eye opener reading this thread.
I cannot believe how many women are being nasty to another woman who is expecting a basic level of decency and respect shown towards her.
I've put up with some shit off blokes in my life (haven't lots of us) but I have no understanding whatsoever of how eyeing up other women while you are next to them is acceptable on any level.
I'm sorry op that you have had this reaction.
So much for the sisterhood, eh?

@FindingMeno

It's been a real eye opener reading this thread. I cannot believe how many women are being nasty to another woman who is expecting a basic level of decency and respect shown towards her. I've put up with some shit off blokes in my life (haven't lots of us) but I have no understanding whatsoever of how eyeing up other women while you are next to them is acceptable on any level. I'm sorry op that you have had this reaction. So much for the sisterhood, eh?

Totally agree whole heartedly. OP, please don’t take others rudeness to heart. The only person who matters in your relationship and your boundaries are you. I personally wouldn’t accept it either as that is one of my personal boundaries and what I expect is the same level of respect that I give my partner.

I am gay but I don’t sit staring at other women in front of my DP and she doesn’t either. I have had this in a previous relationship (with a man, not that it really matters) and it was horrible. Please take care of yourself and do what is right for you.

@FindingMeno

It's been a real eye opener reading this thread. I cannot believe how many women are being nasty to another woman who is expecting a basic level of decency and respect shown towards her. I've put up with some shit off blokes in my life (haven't lots of us) but I have no understanding whatsoever of how eyeing up other women while you are next to them is acceptable on any level. I'm sorry op that you have had this reaction. So much for the sisterhood, eh?

I don't see it that way at all! The OP is in an abusive relationship and it's turning extremely toxic. There is no way any woman in a healthy relationship would start a MN post about her DP looking at another woman. I am not blaming the OP, but she needs out of this relationship for her and her baby's own good. This man sounds horrible and is making her question everything.

The only person who matters in your relationship and your boundaries are you.

Almost every poster has told her to leave this man.

I have been really horrified by the attitude of many posters on here. I reported this thread.

There is no way any woman in a healthy relationship would start a MN post about her DP looking at another woman. I am not blaming the OP, but she needs out of this relationship for her and her baby's own good. This man sounds horrible and is making her question everything.

Which is why I said hours ago that people need to think about what the fuck they are saying, instead of piling in to call her an abuser. This thread has been disgusting and very few posters have shown her an ounce of support. Some people were too concerned with putting the boot in to think how damaging their comments could be to someone in this situation.

Some posters have been so focused on telling her how wrong she is they have glossed over the abuse she experienced from this man.

I am glad this thread has been moved and I hope if OP is still reading this mess of a thread, she gets some more supportive posts.

I'm so sorry, op.

I'm really sorry op that you've been given such a hard time on this thread, clearly there are many posters that have no idea how emotional abuse works within a relationship, or how emotional abuse can be different between the two sexes.

You are right, he was being very disrespectful to glare at another woman, especially as you were 'trying' as a family. I also can fully understand how you wish this relationship to work, he is the father of your child. This was a test, a test that he failed, all he had to do was be fully present and in the moment with you whilst on a day out.

It's not that he couldn't do it, he choose not to do it, now you have to question why, do you think he did it on purpose, because I do.

It's a form of triangulation, even with strangers, it is done to make you feel insecure and neglected. It has worked and it will do forever more.
It is also used to make sure you don't request family days out anymore as they become too painful for you, he is then able to do what he wants with his time and further neglect you.

Other pp's are correct in saying that any upset or silent treatment will go over his head, he won't be bothered. I don't actually think you meant silent treatment, people who dole out that don't post on mumsnet stating they are upset by feeling neglected and disrespected.

Op you would be far better off researching about abuse, looking up about narcisists, it would give you an idea on why he does that and his motives. I really don't think he will change, he will be insensitive, arrogant, selfish, untrustworthy and many more things forever more.

You will not change him, you gave him another chance, drop the rope, stop trying to make him 'nice', he likes it this way and he will not stop being the one who feels the best and takes the best out of your relationship.

He will suck the very soul out of you, gaslight you and make others apear you are the one in the wrong, just look at this thread. When you are in an abusive relationship your whole identity suffers because they have you analysing the small stuff all the time, it will send you crazy.

Look at the bigger picture and see this man is no good for you he is stealing your spirit.

I can see that.
Now op's back off, this woman is being damaged as we speak.

and I've sat here crying reading how I should just leave and how I'm subjecting the same partner who put me through physical abuse to controlling behaviour

So he physically abused you and controlled you, then you move back in with him and on the first day does something that you find disgusting.
Do you think he has any respect for you if he does that on the first day!
Are you seriously going to stay with him?

I’m not sure why you’re getting so upset with the replies.
You asked if you were BU some said you were and others said you weren’t - but all of them have said this relationship should finish yet you’ve chosen to ignore that part.

Why are you choosing to stay with him after everything you say he’s put you through and now this?

@moynomore

The only person who matters in your relationship and your boundaries are you.

Almost every poster has told her to leave this man.

Because many people on MN use 'LTB' as their immediate go to and think this platform is just here for their entertainment, rather than actually wanting to support a young woman asking for help.

Have those posters asking ‘why are you with someone who is abusing you?’ Stopped a second to think that if leaving were that easy then no women would be living with abuse?

The op asked for an opinion on a specific situation.
She is not a fool and knows how fragile the relationship is.
She didn't want to know if she should LTB. She wanted help on establishing what her boundaries should be.
The op is a brave woman. She's had a baby, her hormones are all over the place, and she's doing a lot of figuring out on where she stands with the father of her child.
If you are reading this, op, I really hope you are OK.

@BigButtons

Have those posters asking ‘why are you with someone who is abusing you?’ Stopped a second to think that if leaving were that easy then no women would be living with abuse?

They were separated.

OP willingly chose to get back with him.

@mn2022 it’s not that simple for a lot of abused women. Abusers are very skilled in the art of persuasion and manipulation . Op is very vulnerable right now and he has taken advantage of that.
Many women go back to their abusers time and time again.
Clearly many posters on here have absolutely no idea about the cycle of abuse and how hard it can be to leave it.

@mn2022 it doesn’t really work like that. Once you are separated it doesn’t actually always mean you have escaped the abuse. Many women stay or go back to men who abuse them for various reasons, it isn’t as simple as ‘well you left, that’s that then’. Abuse is complicated and delicate and anyone giving the OP a hard time for getting back together with her partner needs to refrain from posting.

I hope you are all right today Lavender.

I doubt the op will be posting here again after the shocking way she has been treated by some posters. I have been many many years on MN and have seen some pretty awful treatment of vulnerable posters in that time- this stands out as one of the worst.

@BigButtons @LittleNibbler

Fully aware of how abuse works.

Was in an abusive relationship for 3 years.

OP has willingly chose to stay in this relationship and willingly chose to have a child.

@mn2022 or maybe the abuse started once she'd already found out she was pregnant, or she chose to leave and then she found out she was pregnant and they decided to try and make it work.

Regardless, it's irrelevant to this situation. She wasn't asking about the abuse. She only mentioned it because people accused her of being abusive. If you're not willing to offer helpful advice get off the thread.

[quote mn2022]**@BigButtons* @LittleNibbler*

Fully aware of how abuse works.

Was in an abusive relationship for 3 years.

OP has willingly chose to stay in this relationship and willingly chose to have a child.[/quote]
and I stayed with my abuser for 16 years and had 6 children with him -So? Kinda proves my point.