To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

[Lavenderfields2]

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

The abuse is totally relevant to the relationship. There’s no such thing as a relationship with abuse, the relationship is the abuse. It colours every interaction and sets the tone for the entire relationship even if it isn’t happening at every moment.

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I would definitely feel a bit put out if my partner was looking at someone else with a decent figure while I had just had a baby and felt like shit about my own body.

Don't know why everyone on here acts like they wouldn't care at all. Straight after having a baby when you feel like you look horrific, you w

Again your not quite acknowledging this is about you and how u feel about yourself. It's naff all about the fact you've just recovered from a break up. It's insecurity and hyper vigilance. You need to see it for what it is and stop making it about all these other things.

This and until you start to focus on the real problem, which is how you see yourself you're not going to get anywhere.

You may find once you're no longer dependant on someone else validating you and your insecurities, you'll not need this person at all.

You wouldn't mind your partner staring at other women!!

Look OP. It’s who he is. I think it’s nasty. I wouldn’t put up with it.

He knows you hate it. He carries on regardless. You’ve hinted at him being abusive.

Why are you still there? You clearly don’t like him and he doesn’t respect you. Call it a day.

Oh, get to fuck with the ridiculous comments about silent treatment being abusive. Assuming the OP doesn't do it all the time, that's a load of crap.
OP, I get it. And I think he has been insensitive too. In the ideal world, you and your baby would be the centre of his world and he wouldn't feel the need to stare. But unfortunately this just isn't the case.

[quote moynomore]@Blossomtoes DH and I do the same. We know what each other likes! [/quote]
I've heard my mum say plenty of times that she'd dump my dad if Bruce Springsteen as much as looked at her, he's fancied Kylie Minogue for about 20 years.

They've been married for 46 years.

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Blackwidow47 no I refuse to accept it when we are together. He can look all he wants when we arent but if we are out of respect I wouldnt drown over a guy infront of him and I expect the same[/quote]
but it is unavoidable surely ? A person comes into view and it just happens ? I get what you are saying about him looking again . It just sounds as if you have no trust in him at all and that this is not a place to rebuild a relationship on.

You’re the toxic one here

You asked if someone else would be ok with this. I genuinely do not pay enough attention to my DH to ever "catch" him doing this, I'm sure he looks at attractive women with or without me as I do attractive people, it's just a natural thing to do I think. It's not a normal thing to a) so intently observe this b) react in this way. All of this is a reflection of you and how you feel, not him.

@Lavenderfields2

Maybe I'm overly sensitive because of the abuse I've suffered and I dont look my best since I've given birth my body has changed and I cant afford new clothes. But I think it's a respect thing not to check people out so blatantly infront of your partner.

I agree with you, it is sleazy and you know your partner and are able to gauge the difference between a glance and eyeing someone up. On the other hand, women are more sensitive to many things after giving birth. What does he say and does he have form for this? You say he is a 'natural stare' but that doesn't necessarily mean at other women, it could just mean he stares vaguely into space thinking (I do that, shortsighted).

You say you've only just got back together but you have also only just had a baby; how did you manage to part, did he leave or you and where did you go? I am not actually being nosey for the sake of it but wondering about the logistics. Splitting up is difficult enough (unless one party's parents live nearby and are happy to house them for a while), at the best of times, never mind when a small baby is involved.

Please don't worry about your appearance at the moment, Lavender. Most people feel a bit of wreck for a while post partum but it doesn't last (& most husbands who love their wives and babies think they are gorgeous regardless).

Look after yourself. This is a difficult time for you and your distress is palpable. You need some TLC.

the context of the abuse has no relevance to this situation

In the kindest possible way, the abuse you've been through has everything to do with what's happening here.

You're expecting a normal relationship and response from someone who has abused you. It won't happen. Unfortunately, your idea of a lovely family day out can never happen because your partner is abusive.

Please leave him - for your childs' sake if nothing else.

I’ve no doubt my DH has found over people attractive over the 16 years we e been together, but I’ve literally never caught him looking elsewhere. And I don’t either.

The fact is after a reconciliation his attention should be solely on you abs your child by default - not in a weird obsessive way, just because you’re trying again and it’s high stakes.

Yep, mine’s a Kylie fan @slashlover. I’ve got a free pass if Martin Kemp ever came my way!

The abuse is totally relevant to the relationship. There’s no such thing as a relationship with abuse, the relationship is the abuse.

I completely agree.

Honestly OP you are kidding yourself if you think this is a proper relationship.
Your reaction to something that you found unacceptable was to give him the silent treatment instead of have a conversation or leave him - this is a toxic relationship on both sides.

It can feel like a lot of posters are attacking you on AIBU - but just because they’re not saying what you want to hear doesn’t mean they’re not on your side.

@ohthatbloodycat

Oh, get to fuck with the ridiculous comments about silent treatment being abusive. Assuming the OP doesn't do it all the time, that's a load of crap. OP, I get it. And I think he has been insensitive too. In the ideal world, you and your baby would be the centre of his world and he wouldn't feel the need to stare. But unfortunately this just isn't the case.

Actively choosing to give someone the silent treatment is abuse. Whether you like that or not.

Meh. We both look at people all the time and comment to each other on them. Occasionally one of us will joke about a threesome.

Your problem is that your DP is an abusive cheater and therefore you can never fully trust him. The relationship sounds doomed.

Past abuse and your relationship as a whole will influence your reactions - of course it is relevant.

I don't think glancing twice at a woman is drooling and doesn't necessitate any reaction at all.

However whatever has happened in the past means that you are on high alert - so he may not have changed sufficiently for you to trust him and:or your self esteem issues means that he can't persuade you fully to trust him.

I think you need to go back to the beginning to consider whether this relationship will ever bring you the security you need. I'm sorry it must feel quite overwhelming but the glancing at other women isn't the problem, his past behaviour is.

Your problem is that your DP is an abusive cheater and therefore you can never fully trust him. The relationship sounds doomed.

Exactly this - why the abuse is very relevant. This man is not making you happy. He should be, but likely won't change.

It’s normal to stare and you are controlling him. He has every right to stare at a female rather then looking at you or the ground the same way you have thay right. This all comes from your insecurities and self confidence. Until you get better it won’t go away. If this man has abused you like you say then your relationship is over and you need to leave. Don’t become an abuser like him. Take your child and get away.

OP, you've said many times about the abuse you've suffered - why on earth are you with him?

Madness is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. He is never going to change,

@CharlotteRose90

It’s normal to stare and you are controlling him. He has every right to stare at a female rather then looking at you or the ground the same way you have thay right. This all comes from your insecurities and self confidence. Until you get better it won’t go away. If this man has abused you like you say then your relationship is over and you need to leave. Don’t become an abuser like him. Take your child and get away.

Er, no doesn't. If men stare at me they get short shrift.

I’m not sure why the fact that she was pregnant or the fact you had your baby in the back of the car is any way relevant. It also doesn’t sound as if he was openly leering or sleazy.

In your own words, a woman with a fabulous figure and a very tight dress has walked past while you’re just sat there and he’s glanced sideways. I’m totally straight and I’d do the same. Not all looks are salacious, other people catch our eye - it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re leering.

In the gentlest possible way, I think you’re overreacting. And I get it. I overreact to stuff like this sometimes too. For me, the key is acknowledging to myself that I’m being a bit touchy. You can’t help how you feel but you can talk to your partner about it “I know you didn’t mean to make me feel bad but I saw you noticing that woman’s ass and it made me feel insecure. I know I’m being oversensitive but I’m struggling a bit right now”. If I said something like that, my DP would give me a hug and tell me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I don’t think it’s fair to “punish” him for something innocent and natural, and probably unconscious. If however he was leering, that would be a different matter - but that’s not what your description suggests.

If you can’t talk openly with your partner then maybe your relationship has run its course. The silent treatment is not helpful or healthy.

OP, you are not wrong and this is a strange space. Trust yourself and your instincts.

Staring at women on the street in a way that anyone else notices the staring is not the act of a man with any character. In fact, I don’t know any men in my life that do that. My own brothers wouldn’t do it in front of me even when they were young and single.

I don’t have any advice about your situation, except to listen to your own inner voice.

I didn't get the impression that the op has been abused by her partner, her baby's father, but that it happened in the past (with someone else).

People should not stare at someone else for any reason, it's unsettling for them. It's natural to glance but then you look away. If you are naturally someone who gazes vaguely, you learn not to fixate on another person and if you are with somebody, you concentrate on them. That's basic good manners.

I don't know what to think but the op is obviously distressed and needs our support, not criticism. It does help to talk.

Hopefully she will come back and we can unpick it or she will unpick it all herself. I am more concerned about her recent break up with him, and getting back together, both so quickly with a small baby involved.