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Original poster

To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

312 replies

Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 13:23

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/07/2021 13:56

Why have you got back with him if he’s abusive?

girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 13:56

@DismantledKing

Why are you ignoring all the posters asking about abuse?
Presumably because it has nothing to do with her post and people will just tell her to leave when they're trying to work things out?
GertietheGherkin · 04/07/2021 13:56

OP you need to get out of this toxic relationship. If there has been abuse reconciliation will never be healthy.
Separate and co-parent.
Work on your self esteem, and insecurities and let your partner get on with it.
This situation will not bring you security or happiness.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 13:56

@DismantledKing because that is a whole different thread. And the context of the abuse has no relevance to this situation

OP posts:
MondayYogurt · 04/07/2021 13:57

What were the reasons for almost breaking up? Was if mutual or from him or you?

Rubyrecka · 04/07/2021 13:57

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Rubyrecka I dont care if he does it as long as it's not so obvious infront of me and especially when I have OUR child with us! Yes people are attractive but surely when you are out as family you can control yourself no?![/quote]
But you at trying to control him!

Regardless of who's in the car with him. Your making it about all these other things - the woman was pregnant, you and your child were in the same car. What exactly does that have to do with the fact you just don't want him checking other women out becos it makes u feel like crap?

Ps. I didn't read the bit about abuse etc so if it's an abusive relationship that requires therapy then maybe for your own sanity start to look at an escape route.

Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 04/07/2021 13:57

I think its the most natural thing to do? I mean I do it, a lot. Especially when I see women as I just admire their looks/body. I think you are taking it way more personally because of the situation that you are in. You need to work on you, build up your confidence and then you won't feel this way.

moynomore · 04/07/2021 13:58

Presumably because it has nothing to do with her post and people will just tell her to leave when they're trying to work things out?

If the OP is this upset about her DP possibly checking out another woman and hinting at the horrible abuse she has endured, I think it does have to do with it. If my DH checked out another woman I couldn't care less. But that's because I am not being abused by him.

DismantledKing · 04/07/2021 13:58

‘Presumably because it has nothing to do with her post and people will just tell her to leave when they're trying to work things out’

Yeah, of course it doesn’t.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/07/2021 13:58

I think you should pick your battles to be honest, your marriage will not survive unless you both loosen up a bit.
I'm 60 and I often look at handsome 20 year olds, doesn't mean I'd touch them ever.

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 13:58

The fact that she was pregnant IS relevant to you though. The part of it, upset you.

You mentioned it twice. The question is, why did the fact that she was pregnant upset you even more?

I am not asking this to annoy you, but to understand.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 13:59

@Rubyrecka so your telling me if after a hard break up you and your partner finally go to enjoy a nice family day out with your baby and you catch your partner rather obviously eyeing up a woman you'd be content with that? Really? Because I'm sorry random stranger on the internet but I dont think youd be so pleased or telling yourself the same thing.

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 04/07/2021 14:00

@nimbuscloud

It sounds like your relationship has run its course really.
Charming considering the op has not long had a baby.
Blackwidow47 · 04/07/2021 14:01

You keep wanting to tell everyone you’re understanding that people find others attractive yet fail to accept this within your own relationship.

Just because you’ve recently reconciled doesn’t mean he has to spend the rest of his days on good behaviour. He is showing you who he is and from what is sounds has done for quite a while.
May I strongly suggest some therapy for you to improve your self esteem issues. Stop looking at what he’s doing and focus on you and your baby.

MartyHart · 04/07/2021 14:02

I think that in most relationships people still look at other people. Looking is ok just don't be too obvious aboutit.
If he knows you hate it then he should be more subtle but given that he is abusive I imagine he probably doesn't really care.
I'm not surprised you are upset but who the person was and them being pregnant is irrelevant here.
You don't like it, you have made it clear. He does it anyway.
Please get help and be safe.

toocold54 · 04/07/2021 14:02

OP you say he’s been abusive to you, that you had a really hard break up, just got back together and he’s staring at other women?!

In the nicest possible way you need to get some respect for yourself and realise this relationship isn’t working and that you need to leave.
It is going to end so either he’s going to leave or your going to. Stop wasting your life trying to make it work with someone when it obviously doesn’t.

Who broke up with who last time?

Grapewrath · 04/07/2021 14:03

You don’t sound ok, tbh. This is more about your own insecurities than your partner.
You sound extremely emotional and controlling and this must be very difficult for your partner. He wasn’t blatantly eyeing up this other lady by your description either.
I once had a very controlling partner who kept insisting I was looking at other men. If someone walks past it’s natural to look, regardless of whether or not you fancy them. It was very stressful and toxic.

Bluntness100 · 04/07/2021 14:03

I think why you’re trying to get back with an abusive man is a much bigger issue op. You were out, why didn’t you stay out?

On a side note your child won’t recognise what he was doing, so stop worrying about that.

Sadly your op is written in a very controlling and quite abusive way. It seems just a poor choice of words.

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2021 14:04

Not only do both of us notice and appreciate the way other people look but we draw each others’ attention to it - it’s not uncommon for me to say “Wow, she’s pretty” or for the bloke to say “Silver fox alert”. I guess we’re deeply disrespectful, we might even be perverts. 🤷‍♀️

moynomore · 04/07/2021 14:05

@Blossomtoes DH and I do the same. We know what each other likes! Grin

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 14:06

@Grapewrath yes poor him. He must escape me immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 14:07

@Blackwidow47 no I refuse to accept it when we are together. He can look all he wants when we arent but if we are out of respect I wouldnt drown over a guy infront of him and I expect the same

OP posts:
slashlover · 04/07/2021 14:07

OP, what do you want from this thread? If you only wanted people to agree with you then AIBU is probably the wrong place. You clearly don't trust this man so why are you trying so hard?

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 04/07/2021 14:08

Hi OP,

I've read all your posts and I'm sorry you're feeling so down with your self confidence and self esteem.

I personally think that your past with your husband is clouding you thinking - you're focusing on the wrong thing. You seem to be think that him "checking out" this woman is only bad because she is pregnant and because your child was in the car.

In many relationships people will be ok with this as like other posters have said, looking at someone is no indication that something untoward will happen, but it is perfectly fine for you to find him checking out other women unacceptable - however from what you've written it doesnt sound like her really checked her out, more that he glanced at her a couple of times.

I think if you've only just got back together you need to have much better communication with him and tell him your boundaries very clearly.

I hope he has changed from whatever it was that happened before you split, but from what I've read I wonder if you should have given him a second chance at all, it sounds like the relationship might still be a bit toxic (from both sides, although that is no excuse for any abuse from him) and that you may he better off apart.

If you were to split do you have support in real life? Friends, family?

Rubyrecka · 04/07/2021 14:08

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Rubyrecka so your telling me if after a hard break up you and your partner finally go to enjoy a nice family day out with your baby and you catch your partner rather obviously eyeing up a woman you'd be content with that? Really? Because I'm sorry random stranger on the internet but I dont think youd be so pleased or telling yourself the same thing.[/quote]
Again your not quite acknowledging this is about you and how u feel about yourself. It's naff all about the fact you've just recovered from a break up. It's insecurity and hyper vigilance. You need to see it for what it is and stop making it about all these other things.

Maybe the expectation of him not being allowed to look at another women is just another example that the relationship is over. Your clearly not compatible.