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Original poster

To be disgusted with dp checking out someone else

312 replies

Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 13:23

Me and dp have only recently reconciled from nearly breaking up. I've recently had our first born and he knows me confident levels have been rock bottom. I look a mess and feel just as worse. I'm not asking for sympathy for it, but he is aware. Dp is a natural stare. He is always side eyeing people when we are out and when i ask him why he is staring at someone he just says his eyes trail off. Well me and dp and baby are all in the car. We were sitting in a car park when this lady comes out pushing her pram. She is wearing a nice tight dress and even I could see she had a nice figure. I caught him staring out of the corner of my eye and when I went to face him his eyes darted away. He then did it again when he thought I wasnt looking. She turned around and she was heavily pregnant. Aibu to be disgusted by this? I know people look, and it may of not been a sexual thing in his mind he may of just generally been staring. But given the fact we were only just on verge of a break up, and our baby was also in the back of our car, and she was very much pregnant, I think it's enough to warrant some silent treatment?

OP posts:
Waitrosedisaster · 04/07/2021 14:37

It sounds to me like this is an abusive relationship all round. The OP has stated her DP is abusive and the OPs own behaviour is abusive. I'd be less concerned with your baby swing their father glance at another woman and more concerned with bringing up a baby in a house which sounds toxic. Maybe it's his abusive behaviour that has brought you to this? Who knows. Maybe therapy would help. If my partner sulked every time I glanced at a member of the opposite sex, he'd no longer be my partner.

Waitrosedisaster · 04/07/2021 14:37

Seeing not swing Confused

Maggiesfarm · 04/07/2021 14:38

PS: I re-read Lavender's first post and see they were 'nearly breaking up', not actually broke up.

Her saying 'past abuse which would be a whole other thread', definitely leads me to think it was a previous relationship. Of course such experiences colour our views and affect subsequent relationships and the post partum period does heighten feelings.

DismantledKing · 04/07/2021 14:39

Maggiesfarm

The OP confirmed that it was her current partner at 13:41

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/07/2021 14:39

@Maggiesfarm op has confirmed it's her dp who was abusive to her.

slashlover · 04/07/2021 14:41

I didn't get the impression that the op has been abused by her partner, her baby's father, but that it happened in the past (with someone else).

Her saying 'past abuse which would be a whole other thread', definitely leads me to think it was a previous relationship. Of course such experiences colour our views and affect subsequent relationships and the post partum period does heighten feelings.

At 13:40 Seesawmummadaw says Did the abuse come from him?
At 13:41, OP replies with yes

Chloemol · 04/07/2021 14:43

You have a choice

Accept he is not going to change so either it’s a deal breaker, or you live with it

Lemonwoe · 04/07/2021 14:43

Sorry OP, but the relationship seems to have a lot of issues: your DP sneaking a look at another woman is not the worst of them. I have a decent relationship with DH. If i caught him looking at another woman I would probably nudge him and joke about it

1forAll74 · 04/07/2021 14:43

Are you saying that he is not allowed to look/stare, at any pregnant woman, or look or stare at any women at all, Men and women look at all sorts of people when they are out and about. You can't blinker people for doing what is quite natural.

Rhiannon13 · 04/07/2021 14:47

Nothing warrants silent treatment OP.

We all notice people we find attractive don't we (male and female)? I know I do but it doesn't mean I want to shag them, just that they're temporarily eye-catching. Some of us can be subtle about it -(women)- and some can't -(men)-.

The two issues that are glaringly obvious here OP are your low self-esteem and the fact your relationship has run its course. It's very obvious that you don't respect each other.

GCAcademic · 04/07/2021 14:47

It is never a good idea to start a thread like this on AIBU, OP. There are vultures who only come on here to use the AIBU board to get some sort of sadistic kick, treating it as akin to a bloodsport entertainment. The Relationship board is the place to go for advice. I'd suggest starting a new thread about your relationship on there.

Almondcroissant25 · 04/07/2021 14:48
  1. Don’t post in AIBU for advice, then ignore perfectly honest and good advice just because you don’t agree with it.
  1. This isn’t a big deal, even in the context of what you’ve said. People in relationships check people out, it’s natural.
  1. It sounds like you need to call time on your relationship anyway. He sounds like a dickhead and you seem high maintenance and out of touch with reality.
Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 14:48

@Waitrosedisaster please explain to me how me being upset about my partner checking someone out infront of me is abusive and will affect my chils upbringing when I have not acted upon it and all I done was be upset and post anonymously on a website? I havent attacked my partner, I haven't given him the cold shoulder. We have continued about our family day

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 04/07/2021 14:48

Sounds like this relationship is definitely over. Why would you give him the silent treatment instead of talking to him about it? Also I think you are really overreacting.

moynomore · 04/07/2021 14:48

@GCAcademic

It is never a good idea to start a thread like this on AIBU, OP. There are vultures who only come on here to use the AIBU board to get some sort of sadistic kick, treating it as akin to a bloodsport entertainment. The Relationship board is the place to go for advice. I'd suggest starting a new thread about your relationship on there.
I'm not seeing too many "sadistic" responses here.
Blueskytoday06 · 04/07/2021 14:49

I've been there (my ex used to do the same). I think this isn't about him looking at someone else but the general state of your relationship and how you feel about yourself (not helped by his behaviour).

My now DP if he were to look (he doesn't) I wouldn't have a problem because we are happy & healthy. And we can both appreciate a pretty lady without me feeling threatened.

your relationship sounds like it's hanging by a thread. Do you want to continue this way ?

FatCatThinCat · 04/07/2021 14:49

I expect that if you felt loved and respected in your relationship this wouldn't bother you.

Waitrosedisaster · 04/07/2021 14:52

[quote Lavenderfields2]@Waitrosedisaster please explain to me how me being upset about my partner checking someone out infront of me is abusive and will affect my chils upbringing when I have not acted upon it and all I done was be upset and post anonymously on a website? I havent attacked my partner, I haven't given him the cold shoulder. We have continued about our family day[/quote]
The whole way you wrote your OP shows your controlling behaviour, you 'caught' him looking out the corner of your eye so 'turned to face him', he shuffles his eyes away. The whole 'does this warrant some silent treatment?', like silent treatment is some kind of suitable punishment for your partner. All very unhealthy. That being said, your posts on this thread show you are not very good at taking criticism and can be quite argumentative if people don't see things just as you do. It's quite telling, really.

Original poster
Lavenderfields2 · 04/07/2021 14:52

I'm leaving this thread. People seem fixated on calling me.controlking and abusive when I have done nothing of the sorts to either my child or my partner. As I've stated a thousand times I havent had a go at him for anything, nor ignored him. I am however upset. And I will not apologise nor feel bad for it. Being upset over something that I consider a boundary in a relationship isnt controlling, I am allowed to feel what I feel. None of this advice has been helpful. People have only picked apart the obvious. I'm aware I have self esteem issues. Mainly caused by suffering abuse from my dp and also coupled with giving birth. That is why I posted on this thread to get some insight and not take out my insecurity on my partner. Yet I get called controlling? So thankyou for all those that actually helped but I'll be coming off this now as all it's done is made me feel worse and I've sat here crying reading how I should just leave and how I'm subjecting the same partner who put me through physical abuse to controlling behaviour

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 04/07/2021 14:52

I would be annoyed if my partner knew I was not feeling great about myself and he was checking other women out in my presence.
I manage not to do it to him and I have an expectation he doesn't do it to me.

GenericUsername404 · 04/07/2021 14:53

I really don’t understand what the issue is. Unless he was licking his lips or rubbing his thighs or something else similar surely he’s just idly watching someone walking past? I do it all the time and I’d be mortified if anyone suggested it was because I was eyeing them up.

Having a baby can be really tough on self esteem. I think you’re blaming the wrong person here though. Ask for support from your husband, stop looking for things he’s doing wrong when you’re just out for a walk.

Fieldsofstars · 04/07/2021 14:53

I think your priorities are all wrong.
Why do you mention your son being in the car?
If your partner is abusive you should be more concerned about your child’s exposure to that than your partners eye exposure to pretty women.

zingally · 04/07/2021 14:54

To be fair, it sounds more like your confidence levels are the problem, rather than your DH checking out a pretty woman.

Hell, men look sometimes! I'd be out with my 60 year old dad and he'd having a good look at any attractive girl!

Don't do "silent treatment". I grew up with a mother who was a big fan of the silent treatment any time we annoyed her. It's immature at best, and abusive at worst.

OhWhyNot · 04/07/2021 14:54

You sound controlling yet his eyes are wondering Hmm

This type of behaviour chips away at confidence you split up recently did you really get back with him expecting to be treated with respect? I guess so but he isn’t that’s who he is

I manage to control where my eyes go it isn’t difficult

Seesawmummadaw · 04/07/2021 14:55

Do you think that this relationship can work @Lavenderfields2?

I worry that you need to work on loving yourself first. You deserve better from him but you also deserve more from you.

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