Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma All you can do is meet in a public place and tell someone where you are going and the time.

I think you mentioned sausage fest so if you're planning to go off alone with him you need to ask him for more proof of who he says he is.

A driving licence means nothing as it could be fake.

I'm not trying to mother you but checking in with your cousin the day after a date is not very safety concious, you should be checking in after 1 or 2 hours and at agreed points.
Anything could have happened in that time.

@BelladiMamma, what does he already know about you? I can completely understand your need to check him out given your previous experience. Are you meeting him in a public place? Which part of meeting him is causing you concern? That he’s who he claims to be? Obviously you’ve already established quite a rapport over FaceTime etc already, could you maybe slip into the next conversation about how personal safety is important in dating. I’d say that genuine contacts wouldn’t have an issue with reassuring you in some ( concrete) way.

@Dancerinthemoonlight and @troobleflooble i never hear of this BBC comment? there are some right weirdos on the apps aren't there. And who talks to people like that IRL. So vile! Sorry about the way those chats went trooble and the whole monogomy, non-monogomy discussion is so much more frequent these days as well. I have a friend who ideally wants a 'fixed' boyfriend but wouldn't ever entertain the idea of only having him. He too would be free to see what else is out there. I'd never cope with that type of situation i think at some point someones feelings will get hurt...
@WeWantTheFinestWines seems we're on the same page for dates and paying!
@BelladiMamma i have never googled/researched any iron i have ever met. I've let people know where i'll be, always meet somewher public and have sometimes given a friend the phone number of the person. I've no social media so no one can research me either. I like to be surprised. I think some men have unmatched me because they can't find me on other platforms so are wary i am who i say am.

Hi. Can I join, again?
So, I got back with a guy I dated 4 yrs ago. He said he'd changed his outlook on life and I was absolutely the right girl for him. He was even mapping out our future!
Just 2 mths in and he goes on a w/e to London with his DD and his ExDW! He said it was for his DD's benefit, she likes her parents to get on etc. The next w/e he wanted to go out for drinks in my town but didn't want to stay over as he had a lot to do at home the next day. He msg late afternoon to say he wasn't coming as couldn't get a lift home. He does shift work so not easy to see him during the week. I told him it was over, that I wasn't prepared to wait around for yet another week to go by and not see him. He told me his world doesn't revolve around me!!! Not seeing him for 3 weeks is hardly him making an effort is it! Needless to say I blocked him.
I'm now on POF, Match, OKCupid and Happn. Not much going on. The ones I like are miles away, the ones that like me look about 60+ despite stating they are my age (I'm 53).
Guess I'll just concentrate on giving my DS a great summer holiday and try not to let the apps occupy too much time.

Re:safety - I guess meeting in a public place and watching initial alcohol intake/keeping judgement/own transport/confidence over just walking away is the key thing?

The nutter I met actually had impeccable LinkedIn and social media trail? 🤷‍♀️ Decent job, charity work, lots of validation from colleagues and friends.

Ditto a couple of controlling/abusive guys I’ve dated - very “impressive/decent” on paper

Or often creeps have online how they volunteer for children’s charities in their spare time - then on online chat they’re sending obscene messages to complete strangers and trying to turn coffee meets into hookups!

Ok we've had a chat about safety - we'd had an initial one anyway a few weeks ago and now another one today. I've had drivers licence, address, work details. Cousin and friend know where I am and I'll up the check in time to eg 8pm, 10pm, next morning. So I have two people watching out for my whereabouts.

Thanks everyone. No health and safety - no sausage fest

That all sounds good now @BelladiMamma. Excited for you and what may, or may not, be a sausage sizzle.

@SpringlikeBunk yes good point. How some people think it's ok to behave on these sites compared to their professional lives is mindblowing.

Welcome @ItsNotLoveActually. I'm the same age as you and definitely feeling it's a hard age for traction on OLD sites. Absolute yes to the number who are, or look, much older than they claim. And lots who clearly are setting their parameters for a much younger age range. In fairness I have done things (including away stuff) with my ExH to make things easier for my children but I would deffo be pissed off on the other stuff about not making enough of an effort to see you. Good luck with the new sites - I'm not on any of those so will be interested in your views.

@SpringlikeBunk

Re:safety - I guess meeting in a public place and watching initial alcohol intake/keeping judgement/own transport/confidence over just walking away is the key thing?

The nutter I met actually had impeccable LinkedIn and social media trail? 🤷‍♀️ Decent job, charity work, lots of validation from colleagues and friends.

Ditto a couple of controlling/abusive guys I’ve dated - very “impressive/decent” on paper

Or often creeps have online how they volunteer for children’s charities in their spare time - then on online chat they’re sending obscene messages to complete strangers and trying to turn coffee meets into hookups!

My stalker also had impeccable social media & website credentials. I later found out how he did it - when he ripped off a load of photos of my house and garden and put them up on line saying they were his work. He just moved from woman to woman and faked his life to be their lives. Very dangerous man whom I'm delighted has disappeared from my life. These people are bad news Nik so pleased you didn't get sucked in ♥️ cos they're really hard to get rid of xx

@SpringlikeBunk not sure who / what Nik is?!!

I'm still juggling things, still no front runner Mr HT is .. we'll just his usual self.

But thought you guys would giggle as I got offered 2k a month to be a sugar babe yesterday ... yes me, a 44YO non monogamous gran

I don't think he expected my strongly worded reply to the effect of... I'm not for sale

Good news about the safety check BelladiMamma. It's definitely a concern having never dated strangers before - I'll be sticking to no alcohol, public places etc. Friends know where I'll be and have a picture of him (mostly because they were curious, but a nice safety net too... assuming the photos are true of course...)

Sugar babe! Yikes craving I'd have had no idea what to say to that, sounds like your response nailed it though, well done.

Good texting from tonight's date - not too much, but regular, mostly chatting but enough light flirting/teasing to keep it interesting. Heavy flirting would really put me off before we met. Looking forward to meeting him and trying to avoid any pressure or expectations - not overthinking clothes etc! Just hoping for a fun time.

Arf @cravingthelook

I got one of those on Fab (no chat or daylight before)

What cracked me up was it was a very “precise” figure, like he’d sat there with a spreadsheet and worked out he had £1255 to spend on a woman.

If council tax went up next year it would be adjusted to £1183 , but then inflation of 3% etc etc ...

*dialogue not daylight

@BelladiMamma Quite like Nik but no idea who they are either

Hi everyone, can I join? I've been lurking for a while and already picked up some very useful advice, so thanks all of you!

I recently took the plunge on Bumble and am completely new to OLD. I'm 49, single parent to a 13 year old who lives with me all the time. I got divorced a long, long time ago (2015) but due my very busy and demanding job and child care responsibilities I felt I couldn't even consider the idea of adding someone else into the mix.

And then! I ended up having a bit of a telephone based and rather half hearted lockdown romance with someone I worked with occasionally and met IRL. Despite getting along like a house on fire things just didn't progress. I'll call him Mr Breadcrumbs

I'll spare you all the gory details but there was a very strong physical attraction between us, we liked each other very much but there always seemed to be some reason why it wasn't going to work.

Initially, it was lockdown and we were both working crazy hours, he moved temporarily to another city, then he disclosed he had a FWB thing going on with someone else, he wasn't over his ex, he couldn't do relationships...you get the general idea. Finally he moved 3 miles away from me and against my better judgment we met up again. We spent the whole day talking, holding hands and kissing and finally it felt like there was some hope. We did not DTD, but it felt tempting tbh. Then, silence. Then he proposed a casual relationship (FWB 2.0) where we both get to sleep with other people. It was a no from me.

Sick of his constant trail of relationship breadcrumbs leading precisely nowhere, it did make me realise that I actually would quite like someone in my life, and I would be prepared to make space for them. I would have made space for him, a discovery which surprised me.

Which took me to Bumble. So far I am getting quite a few matches, had 4 text convos and have one potential actual date zero, details to be confirmed, so it may of course all fall through. I wondered if any of you have the premium version of Bumble and whether it's worth it?

I wondered if any of you have the premium version of Bumble and whether it's worth it?

I've never paid for any dating app, so can't answer, but I've also never had any problems getting matches so I don't feel I'm missing anything.

Welcome @Languidleopard

Yes MrBreadcrumbs sounds quite a familiar "flaky type" out there dating - good for you for sticking to what you want.

Bumble Premium - I paid for the updates last month.

Not sure it really gave me loads more impact if I'm honest? Others may have more experience.

I had a lot of matches showing up from outside my area or who just weren't suitable so not really much of any advantage, didn't find better quality matches really.

Given there's a limited amount of time to meet people anyway and a limited number of chats you can have at one time without burning out it just seemed "too much"?

Met someone nice last year on Bumble without paying just swiping, few more matches this year but found most fizzled out anyway!

(This is an open question, but if the serious guys are paying for upgrades too on Bumble/Tinder, then maybe just leave it to them to "see you first"?)

I'm thinking of paying for EliteSingles next time I'm out there dating as I haven't used it before.

@SpringlikeBunk and @cravingthelook I had the offer of £50k per year to be a sugar baby from PoF last year

Thanks @SpringlikeBunk and @VanGoghsDog, I see what you mean. Yes, it is time consuming. The guy I have a potential zero date with pays for premium and yes, seems quite keen. Keen in a good way, not too much iyswim.

sausage fest
Don’t get me wrong, I like a couple of Cumberland’s for breakfast, but an entire festival dedicated to the humble banger…, but then I like a Beer Festival, or is this a code for something else?

@JustAnotherOldMan

sausage fest Don’t get me wrong, I like a couple of Cumberland’s for breakfast, but an entire festival dedicated to the humble banger…, but then I like a Beer Festival, or is this a code for something else?

In non covid times we do actually have a sausage festival in my city but yes, it's code for something else...

Am currently waiting for Mr BE to come over for dinner and dessert we had a long chat last night and we'll see... I might experiment with having sex without expectations, who knows?!

Mr Specs was at the cinema last night.

I mentioned that it was ages since I had been to the cinema.

He said 'you'll have to take me then.' 😊

So who knows, a date might be on the horizon soon ❤️

@Misty9 sounds good, have a great evening

@Misty9

Am currently waiting for Mr BE to come over for dinner and dessert we had a long chat last night and we'll see... I might experiment with having sex without expectations, who knows?!

Good luck 🍀