Dating Thread 207 - hot summer of fun

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I don't blame you... I messaged saying it hurts still - he replied what have you done to it?! Hopefully not the same guy

Still undecided on how to tackle it... Urgh. Being single is less hassle I've concluded!

Being single is definitely less hassle!

The last guy I was dating was messy for various reasons but one of the things that put me off was when we were supposedly friends because he wasn't in the right place to date, he never actually checked how I was. Despite knowing I was on antidepressants. I mean...I know I'm not owed anything, but bit shit!?

In other news...matched with a guy tonight on Bumble, we had three messages before they got so long (lots in common) we switched to the phone and I've just had a lovely conversation with him for almost two hours...(!!)

Meeting up on Thursday. Eek.

Can I just ask, how long all of you waited before getting back on the horse with dating, so to speak? Im only 2 weeks out of a nine month relationship with a guy who was probably a bit of a narcissist, so know j need some time, but feel the clock is ticking at 36 about to be going on 37....

Hmmmmmm

Just spoken again to one of my irons. He is:

Nice
Defo single
Solvent
Intelligent
Good career
Nice about his kids
Not awful about his ex wife

But:
Bit of a mansplainer
Rambles and doesn’t really let me talk
Bit patronising
Gagging for a shag
Something slightly too polished about his shtick

He’s keen as mustard. I haven’t dated anyone at all since my divorce so I’m a bit skittsh.

Anyone have any thoughts?

@Shuffleuplove

Hmmmmmm

Just spoken again to one of my irons. He is:

Nice
Defo single
Solvent
Intelligent
Good career
Nice about his kids
Not awful about his ex wife

But:
Bit of a mansplainer
Rambles and doesn’t really let me talk
Bit patronising
Gagging for a shag
Something slightly too polished about his shtick

He’s keen as mustard. I haven’t dated anyone at all since my divorce so I’m a bit skittsh.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Have you met? If not, I'd do so and see what you make of him in person. So hard to judge otherwise

@StartingAgain33

Can I just ask, how long all of you waited before getting back on the horse with dating, so to speak? Im only 2 weeks out of a nine month relationship with a guy who was probably a bit of a narcissist, so know j need some time, but feel the clock is ticking at 36 about to be going on 37....

I waited a couple of weeks after a similar length relationship, but a few months after my marriage ended. It sounds like you want children though, so I can understand the pressure of time :(

@Shuffleuplove

Hmmmmmm

Just spoken again to one of my irons. He is:

Nice
Defo single
Solvent
Intelligent
Good career
Nice about his kids
Not awful about his ex wife

But:
Bit of a mansplainer
Rambles and doesn’t really let me talk
Bit patronising
Gagging for a shag
Something slightly too polished about his shtick

He’s keen as mustard. I haven’t dated anyone at all since my divorce so I’m a bit skittsh.

Anyone have any thoughts?

@Shuffleuplove I'd give him a chance. He might be different in person ❤️

@StartingAgain33

Can I just ask, how long all of you waited before getting back on the horse with dating, so to speak? Im only 2 weeks out of a nine month relationship with a guy who was probably a bit of a narcissist, so know j need some time, but feel the clock is ticking at 36 about to be going on 37....

@StartingAgain33 about six months or so ❤️

@flipperdoda

Being single is definitely less hassle!

The last guy I was dating was messy for various reasons but one of the things that put me off was when we were supposedly friends because he wasn't in the right place to date, he never actually checked how I was. Despite knowing I was on antidepressants. I mean...I know I'm not owed anything, but bit shit!?

In other news...matched with a guy tonight on Bumble, we had three messages before they got so long (lots in common) we switched to the phone and I've just had a lovely conversation with him for almost two hours...(!!)

Meeting up on Thursday. Eek.

@flipperdoda that's great news, Flipper. Good luck! 🤞🏻❤️

Yay flupperdoda

Lol @BelladiMamma that’s a thread social then to the next amateur football night! I’ll bring my best wannabe local WAG outfit

All quiet as a mouse here with dating.

Think I had romantic FOMO at start of summer when lockdown ended - I WAS going to have a wonderful summer romance and was trying too hard/over functioning a bit

And I think it can get into such a mental vicious cycle like gambling - one iron doesn’t work out “but almost there ”

so you reswipe and keep “chasing the emotional dragon”?

but much happier now taking a bit more of a holistic view socially and enjoying things like finding new coffee shops and updating my wardrobe.

Chat iron working away messaged to say he’d finished a book I’d recommended him.

He’s back close to when I move so would be nice to meet but not a must have (and that’s why I’m glad we haven’t been messaging every day and “building a bond”)

Good luck @flipperdoda and everyone with meets soon

@Shuffleuplove

I dunno - would you give the negative personality traits a chance if he didn't have the good career etc?

I've definitely found a lot of guys who have the good jobs/tick those initial boxes can get fairly "arrogant" online. Down to letting their dates know they're "desperate for a shag" in advance before meeting!

Could he be "keen as mustard" due to wanting early sex? (you may be comfortable with this of course yourself but just to be aware)

But only you can make the judgement really just food for thought x

@StartingAgain33

I don't think there's a right answer really, depends on a lot of things! Like how emotionally resilient you're feeling.

There's often a lead time between getting on apps and meeting guys. You could just have a look but not really aim to meet anyone for a while.

If you're going for the serious relationship The One guy rather than dates, I expect you won't be meeting a lot anyway as you'll be screening so much!

I came off apps recently as everyone seemed to be behaving like a lunatic maybe due to it being post-lockdown, but that could just be me.

@Misty9 only just got caught up, getting the right level of communication going is insanely difficult i've realised that i need a lot of reassurance so texts/calls were really important to me. But i started to let them take over my mood/my day so i realised i had to work on my own insecurities a bit and realise that people don't all communicate the same. Some people are permanently on their phones yet NEVER answer calls but will text. Others prefer an end of the day video call rather than a long text chat back and forth. I tend not to open/read messages until i can get into the conversation properly. I used to love the 'good morning' or cute emoji texts but my friend said these were useless messages no effort/thought behind them at all... and she was highly offended when she would get one.
I would agree though that you'd need to be a little more in contact with one another given how often you are able to see each other. The quick check-in txts/video calls would be keeping the spark alive. I did notice the "happy with whatever" I'm offering comment and thought to myself are you happy with what he is offering. It's so hard to navigate the limbo with someone you're invested in but haven't got the reassurance you need from them that they are as invested as you are. I guess a conversation may help. I'd have shyed away from having one in the past but going forward i really am going to be clear on how i want things to work in the relationship and not settle for something i'm halfway OK with. Keep us posted.
@Shuffleuplove love the list you made! You could definitely contribute to springs book that is too be a future bestseller! Definitely go meet him although put a stop to the 'mansplainin' early doors as that's just not on!
Hello @flipperdoda @Bbub!

[quote Myfabby]@Misty9 I know how you feel

I just ended my ' relationship' after 3 months for the very same reason. I made it very clear to him messaging was important to me. I don't need blow by blow of how your day is going, but I do want to know i am being thought of etc more than once every 3/4 days.

I actually said to him 2 weeks ago, I wasn't happy with crumbs of affection. He is a great guy and when we are together he is attentive and lovely but with childcare clashes we are averaging seeing each other once every 3 weeks.

We're just not compatible with the amount of communication between dates. He can't/ won't make the effort, and I so I decided to end it instead of kicking the can down the road. It's been 10 days since and he hasn't texted so there's my answer. Stings a lot but he was just not meeting my needs in that area.[/quote]
This sort of childcare clash has made me think I want to go non monogamous / have a series of FWB. Stops anyone getting too hung up on you ... I've veered between cock lodgers and the lovely MrBear who made it clear that we were Very Serious. Which also translated into constant texting, it almost felt like someone was interrupting me all the time. And it kind of killed it. Soooo hard to get the balance right.

[quote Myfabby]@Misty9

Are you sure its not the same guy???

I texted him saying I was suffered badly from my second jab. He replied saying sorry take paracetamol etc at 6pm on the day and I heard nothing for another 2 days until he sent a screenshot of his strava showing his PB for his daily run. It was the last straw for me...[/quote]
That communication is also crappy and selfish. Ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ just read the last few messages before you send your reply?? How hard can it be?

@flipperdoda

Being single is definitely less hassle!

The last guy I was dating was messy for various reasons but one of the things that put me off was when we were supposedly friends because he wasn't in the right place to date, he never actually checked how I was. Despite knowing I was on antidepressants. I mean...I know I'm not owed anything, but bit shit!?

In other news...matched with a guy tonight on Bumble, we had three messages before they got so long (lots in common) we switched to the phone and I've just had a lovely conversation with him for almost two hours...(!!)

Meeting up on Thursday. Eek.

Thursday's iron sounds good. I hate waiting too long to meet, you can get so invested in text otherwise. Good luck 🍀

@Shuffleuplove

Hmmmmmm

Just spoken again to one of my irons. He is:

Nice
Defo single
Solvent
Intelligent
Good career
Nice about his kids
Not awful about his ex wife

But:
Bit of a mansplainer
Rambles and doesn’t really let me talk
Bit patronising
Gagging for a shag
Something slightly too polished about his shtick

He’s keen as mustard. I haven’t dated anyone at all since my divorce so I’m a bit skittsh.

Anyone have any thoughts?

Tricky one. In some ways it's good to get back into it because if you go in with your eyes open then this guy might be 'ok to date and snog but not a total dickhead if I don't sleep with him'. Just meet for a coffee and see how you feel after that. Make sure you have a hard stop so it's not an open ended evening or weekend arrangement.

God I'm excited about my date. That and the concussion I got Friday are making me feel quite light headed!!
I'd better take it easy so I don't go backwards with my recovery.
Also, I've got a bruised pelvis. What am I thinking, hoping for a Friday sausage fest. I must need my head examined. oh, wait ...🤣🤕🤦🏻‍♀️

@Misty9 It was indeed me who said you're expecting him to change.

If you are not used to messaging and texting people it doesn't come naturally.
I think his mind works differently so he has his routine which involves getting up, work, home stuff, probably hobbies and texting you or anyone is not a high priority for him until he's thinking of you meeting up and then you're on his mind.
Maybe he can compartmentalise really well.

I think the difficulty is that on this thread we tell people not to change who they are just for someone else and one day you'll find someone who matches you really well but here we are expecting him to change.

I have no doubt he likes you but it sounds like you both have busy lives and maybe time compatibility should have been a priority before you took it further.

Never forget that good sex releases oxytocin and that plays all sorts of tricks on you hence him saying he'll take whatever you're offering.

What do you want right now?
Not with Mr Blue Eyes but in life. Do you want a relationship or do you just want an FWB.
Once you know what you want you can make a decision about him.

Are you and Mr Blue Eyes exclusive? Are you in a relationship or are you still dating?
What chats have you had so far about what you are?

@BelladiMamma your posts put me in such a good mood, you're so funny! I am crossing everything possible for your sausages fest this weekend FYI 'Mr Elf' and i had a very intense conversation last night. We were really open/honest about what we both will tolerate in the relationship. I've never really had someone be so willing to open up so early and it's a little scary. I told him that past relationships have never been like this one with him so everything i am experiencing is new and it'll take a while till the trust is there (a loooong while). And as much as i want to blindly believe everything he tells me i'm treading carefully. He's still here though, well just gone to get stuff to make pancakes!
@Heartbeats0708 how are you and MrD doing?

Thursday's iron sounds good. I hate waiting too long to meet, you can get so invested in text otherwise. Good luck 🍀

Thank you! Yes I'm glad we progressed rapidly through message to phone to meeting - just seems a bit pointless messaging for ages if you don't have to and I am 100% guilty of over-investing. Actively not going to message today apart from confirming plans and timings later on, unless he gets in touch of course. I have a life to live!

However...I am awfully excited still messaging others on the app though, I'm not sure I like the idea of actively dating more than one person at a time but I think it's good to keep your eyes open and not invest too early. Maybe!?

Also - what's an iron? I understand it in context of course but what's the logic behind the term? And why do people talk about date 0?? Help

@SortingItOut good questions. We've had quite a few chats about where we are, partly because when we first got together I freaked a bit and said I wasn't in the right headspace for anything, hence him saying he'd take anything I'm offering
Then, when we decided to give things a go, he said a few times that he'd settle for fwb, so I asked him directly if that's what he wants and he said no, he wants everything . I did respond to that by asking if he can give me what I need. He says we're in a relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend, and exclusive.

With regards to the messaging thing, I'm not expecting him to change but if we don't have contact then I just lose that excitement and desire for him, so I'm concluding that perhaps we're just not compatible, no matter how nice he is and how much we enjoy time together.

As for what I want? Good question! I'd resolved to be single for a while before things restarted with him. And perhaps that's what I need. Ideally I want it all - a relationship where we see each other all the time. But that would have to be the father of my dc, and that ship has sailed. So I'm not quite sure what the alternative looks like for me.

@Naimee87 oops, it was to you I meant to say, yes I did question if I'm happy with what he's offering. I've definitely worked on my insecurities about messaging - it's just I lose interest if I don't hear from someone!

Any man who makes pancakes is in my good books enjoy!

@Shuffleuplove

Hmmmmmm

Just spoken again to one of my irons. He is:

Nice
Defo single
Solvent
Intelligent
Good career
Nice about his kids
Not awful about his ex wife

But:
Bit of a mansplainer
Rambles and doesn’t really let me talk
Bit patronising
Gagging for a shag
Something slightly too polished about his shtick

He’s keen as mustard. I haven’t dated anyone at all since my divorce so I’m a bit skittsh.

Anyone have any thoughts?

I'd meet him.

Rambling can be nerves, or a bit of social incompetence. As can "schtick", just trying too hard, it won't last, it'll wear off.

Mainsplaining/patronising similar, but also doesn't know what you don't know and I do find men try to "solve" everything, so you tell them an insignificant thing and two hours later they're still telling you how to fix it when you don't even need to, or you know what to do, and they don't even have half the information they'd need.

If they are good guys they'll accept you telling them it's enough, or they will notice.

I'm a bit more 🤔 about him telling you he's gagging for a shag. It's unattractive (to me) to hear this from someone you've never met, plus it puts a focus on your meet up, but I'd still meet him.